


Let's Hold These Hearts For One Another

by MaryRhiannon



Category: HIM (Band)
Genre: Character building, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Recreational Drug Use, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Romance, Some Mention of Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:08:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 49
Words: 93,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27069880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryRhiannon/pseuds/MaryRhiannon
Summary: A chance meeting turns into something more for Ville Valo and Ella Hartmann. But will they be able to make it work, despite all their differences and past sorrows?
Relationships: Ville Valo/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 53
Kudos: 18





	1. This Is Only The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there!  
> I first wrote this story way back in… 2007, I think? Right at the prime of HIM’s fame and my teenage, angsty years (Yes, I’m old, I know.) 
> 
> Even after all this years, and even after them breaking up, HIM will always be a favorite band of mine. When I found myself stuck at home in Covid-lockdown, during the spring of 2020, new Ville Valo songs surfaced, and restarted my whole HIM obsession. I love reading fanfiction, especially the super long stories with lots of world and character building, a good, believable plot, and more than just smut. Not really finding too many online, I revisited an old story I wrote myself and posted way back in the day. Though I was appalled by the quality (I thought I was a pretty decent writer back then, but… no), there was enough backbone there to revisit this story and write it into something slightly better.  
> Since 2007, I’ve gone from angsty teen with loads of daydreams, to someone who has actually lived. I’ve lived, experienced, had actual relationships. I’ve travelled, even to Finland, and I’ve seen loads of gigs, even some HIM gigs. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting and hanging out with some of the people I wrote/write about… And boy does that make revisiting these stories awkward, but I think it will also enhance them, in some way, as I go about rewriting my old stories.  
> Since this is an old story, and I wrote it as time went by, it still features some (minor) characters that may not be in the picture as much anymore, or even in the relationships I mention. It would be too confusing, to change some things, so just bear with me. Also, this story is not explicitly set to a specific “era” in HIM’s timeline, though I wrote it initially with a “2007 Ville” in mind. It does mention and feature newer HIM songs however, because I like linking up lyrics to storylines, and making them work with this story. So, just go with the flow and bear with me, once again. 
> 
> I’ve loved rewriting this story so far, and I hope someone out there might get some enjoyment out of reading this story, and I’d love to hear any and all feedback <3
> 
> Disclaimer: None of the bandmembers or actual real-life persons belong to me (unfortunately), and neither do any of the songs and lyrics mentioned. They are mentioned only for entertainment purposes.  
> Also, English is not my first language. Sorry for any mistakes!

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/190626077@N05/50492395067/in/dateposted-public/)

** 1\. This is only the beginning **

Ella’s phone rang, practically buzzing off her nightstand and giving her a gruesome wake up. Grumbling, she reached for it, making sure her eyes remained tightly shut. No need to wake up just yet.

'Yeah...?' She managed to mumble, voice hoarse from the lack of sleep and the party last night.  
'Were you still asleep? What the fuck Ella, it's 11.30 already. I texted you 5 times already. At which ungodly hour did you leave Sam’s party last night anyway? '

Her bandmate, Dave, kept rambling and her brain had a hard time keeping up, still half asleep. Like Dave, Ella had been at her best friend Sam’s birthday bash last night. Unlike Dave, who had gone home sensibly a little after midnight, Ella didn’t find her bed before 5 AM.

'Shut up. It's never fun to be woken up by a phone call. Even if it's 11.30 already. Why the hell are you calling anyway?' Ella said, finally waking up.  
'Band meeting. You need to come over as soon as possible. I have amazing news, you'll never believe it!'  
She sighed, but realizing she had nothing better to do in the afternoon anyway she might as well pop by for a visit. As soon as she had tended to her hangover of course.

'Fine. But let me wake up for a bit, I'll be there in a while.'  
  
When Dave let Ella into his parents’ house two hours later he immediately ushered her to the garage, where all the band’s instruments and equipment stood. His parents were saints for letting the band use their garage as a rehearsal room, especially considering the fact he was only the singer and had nothing to do with the huge drum-kit taking up most of the garage.

Dave walked Ella to the other side of the room, making sure she sat down on the worn down but comfy couch she had spent so many hours on already, writing songs together with Dave. He stood awkwardly before her, rather agitated. Neither Liz, Paul or Richard, the other bandmembers, were around. Together they had formed the band back in highschool, when they were all around 16 years old. A project for their music class that had gotten out of hand. _Love’s Light Blue,_ some random name Dave had come up with at the time and which had stuck. Amazingly enough, they’d managed to lift the band above the level of normal high school band and were still doing gigs after quite a few years. Surely, their following was still mostly local, but they’d had some gigs out of their own region as well and had put out a few EP’s, which was a huge accomplishment.

'Where are the others?'  
'You're late, they already left. You ready?'  
'I don't know what for, but yes.' Ella rolled her eyes and made sure she emphasized the sarcastic tone. His rather unpleasant wake-up call had surely done wonders for her mood.  
'I finally heard back from the people at Palladium yesterday... They're letting us do the gig...'

Ella’s mood changed instantly.  
'Oh my fucking god...' she screeched, grabbing Dave's arms. 'You're kidding right?'

The Palladium concert hall was one of the bigger venues in Cologne, hell, Germany even, and was considered a hotspot of up and coming bands. Being able to play there was a massive opportunity for the band.

Dave laughed at her reaction and gave Ella a reassuring smile. 'No, I wouldn't joke about that. It's just a fill in spot as an opener for some other local band though. February 21st.'

Ella felt her face fall and her heart stop for a moment. 'But the HIM gig is also the 21st… '

Dave gave her an annoyed look, ready to give her the 'we can't skip this opportunity' look, but Ella beat him to it.

'But...No, wait, they're playing in Palladium as well…’ Ella paused for a moment, letting the truth sink in. ‘Dave! You bloody ass, it’s one of your nasty jokes again! That’s why none of the others are here. So not funny!'

Dave's face fell a bit.

'No, I'm serious, really.’ He started to look as if he was seriously doubting himself suddenly. ‘February 21st. I’m sure. But we're playing in the smaller hall. Maybe they're playing in the bigger hall... Has to be. At least they're not the band we're opening for, I would have recognized the name.'

'Well, maybe I can still see a bit of their gig then, if we're opening...'

'We'll be playing early, so I guess... If you’re sure you got the date right for the HIM gig.'

Suddenly feeling all warm and fuzzy, Ella got up hugged Dave, smothering him in the process. He’d spent a lot of time hounding the local promotors to finally get them a gig in Palladium. It would be amazing to get the chance to perform in such a big venue AND possibly see a band she really liked. All in one evening. Perhaps she would even get to meet the band backstage. Though it was almost too good to be true that it all worked out like this... What were the odds, her band scoring a gig at such a well-known venue, and being able to see HIM on the same evening. Though with her luck, they’d probably be playing at the same time, and she’d still miss all of the HIM gig. But there would be other HIM gigs then… For now, the euphoric feeling was too good to dismiss.

That same afternoon Ella called Sam, her best friend, to tell her about the small miracle destiny seemed to have thrown her way. If something good happened to Ella, Sam always seemed to be even happier than she herself was. Along with that, Sam had a terrific imagination, and as usual, immediately came up with all her typical plotlines and weird fantasies. A big shot manager would scout them. Preferably HIM’s manager. This could be the big breakthrough for the band, somehow being able to network their way into an opening spot for the rest of HIM’s tour, etcetera. Never mind the fact her the band’s music was a totally different style. Starry eyed Sam already saw Love’s Light Blue opening for HIM on their next world tour. Never mind that technically HIM and Love’s Light Blue weren't even playing in the same hall. Just the same building. Never mind that the chances of actually even meeting the band, or someone involved, were slim. But, according to Sam, this twist of events would definitely launch Love’s Light Blue into undying fame and Ella’s humble little band would be bigger than legendary bands like the Rolling Stones or the Beatles. And with better haircuts too.

'HIM’s that one Scandinavian band, right? The moody ones? Hey wait, isn't their singer like... totally gorgeous?! Oh my God, Ella, you have to look them up backstage. Hook up with him, please tell me you're at least giv...'

'Sam! Stop it! That last part is _definitely_ not happening.’ Sam had always fancied the leadsinger, rather than their music. ‘Your imagination is running off with you again... Wake up... It's just an opening spot for _another_ band in a _different_ hall.'

'Yeah, sorry I know. I'm just so happy for you! I knew how much you were looking forwards to the gig. Jesus, Ella, this could be your big break!’

‘I honestly doubt it Sam…’

Though nothing had been officially decided yet, the future of the band seemed to be on loose ground, with Paul, their drummer, trying to get into an American university. None of the bandmembers had mentioned it, but Ella guessed they all knew it would be hard to replace someone like Paul. They’d all been together for full on 9 years now, would they even want to replace Paul? Sam didn’t notice any of Ella’s doubts though, rambling on.

‘Do you know it’s in two and a half weeks already?!'  
'Shut up. I'm nervous enough already. It will be our first time in such a big venue.' She truly felt nervous, her inner perfectionist always afraid everything would go wrong.

  
But despite the nerves, time flew by. Getting all these little things for the gig arranged in time and rehearsing endlessly took up a lot of Ella’s spare time. Along with working almost every day, and doing her share in taking care of her younger siblings, there was hardly any time to feel nervous.

Until the day was suddenly there. That day. Strangely, Ella was hardly nervous on the day itself. It was a blessing she actually liked performing and the anticipation and excitement pushed away most of the nerves. She’d be dying right now if she had terrible stage-fright like Liz, their bassplayer. What also helped was that she was only the guitarist and backing vocalist. All eyes were on Dave most of the time, which suited her just fine. She liked performing, and the creative outlet, but the full glare of the limelight was a bit too much. After packing her stuff for the gig Ella tried to shove some lunch down her throat, to no avail and enjoyed the unusually calm house, mentally preparing herself for the night. Her parents and all of her four younger siblings were either at work or at school, providing her with a remarkably quiet safe haven before she left. It was nice, a bit of calm before the storm.

  
Together with Liz she finally made her way to venue, where the guys in the band and some friends had been setting up the band’s equipment. The two girls had no muscles whatsoever and were usually more in the way of the guys carrying equipment than being of actual help, they’d learned to steer clear of the roadie duties. So they arrived fashionably late, right in time for the final details to setting up and the soundcheck.  
The Palladium venue was quite familiar to her, Ella had been there before to see other bands, though she’d never been backstage before. The venue was a former factory, divided into multiple halls, or stages. The area normally visible to visitors already looked a bit shabby, though it had a sort of industrial charm. The backstage area was simply run-down though. The walls were all basic rough brick and iron scaffolding. The small dressing room was surrounded by a variety of other dressing rooms and storage rooms, and there was nothing but some very basic furniture inside. But it was clean and all privately theirs. Plus, Ella’s band definitely wasn't in the position to be arrogant, this definitely was still a step up from the “barstools at the back of the bar” days back from when they started.  
  
Even though Sam and some other friends soon arrived for moral support and pre-gig amusement, the nerves started getting the best of Ella an hour before the gig. Right before they went onstage the whole band felt ready to barf. Or simply to turn around, go home and call it all quits. Tonight would be a big, make-or-break night. The gig had already gotten some attention in the regional newspapers and there was always a chance someone who just happened to have the right connections would be in the audience. Besides that, Ella felt that tonight would somehow be the night it would become clear whether or not they would go on without Paul, whether it was worth pursuing, or if they should put the band on hold.

Once on stage though, all the nerves were gone, and the band shone. Albeit it small, the venue was pretty full with a few dozen people. Ella spotted lots of familiar faces, even though they were only the support that night. Friends and family, all gathered and spurring on the whole band even more through their short setlist. After 45 minutes of pure bliss, it practically hurt to walk offstage and leave something so wonderful behind. Backstage, the whole band was euphoric and ecstatic. There was a big, sweaty group hug for a moment, everyone momentarily forgetting about their uncertain future. A few close friends with backstage access joined the party. Dave cracked open a bottle of champagne, filling some fancy plastic cups before hushing the whole crowd.

‘Now that we have everyone in a festive mood anyway, there’s something Liz and I would like to say…’

Almost since the beginning of the band, Liz and Dave had been a couple, apparently still going strong, because Ella saw the two lovebirds exchange a loved up look, after which Liz exclaimed ecstatically: ‘I’m pregnant! We’re having a baby!’

There was a shocked response from everyone in the room, no one had seen this coming. Everybody was over the moon though. Though deep down inside, Ella knew, this complicated things even more for the band.

In the following commotion and celebration, Ella almost completely forgot about the HIM gig, realizing rather late she’d probably already missed the start of the show. Her whole body was still high strung from adrenaline and she felt a flutter in her stomach. Ready for part two of a great night.

  
After even more congratulations to the expecting parents, Ella said a quick goodbye to the rest of her band. After getting lost in the labyrinth of corridors she finally found the right door to the main hall, the bigger venue, where HIM would be performing. The support act was just finishing their last song, thankfully, because they didn’t sound very appealing. The HIM venue was packed and Ella stood in awe, comparing this crowd to their own just a little while earlier. After getting a rum and coke from the bar, she found herself a nice spot in the crowd. A row or eight back, where it was still comfortable to stand. The days Ella desperately wanted to be front row at a gig were far behind her. Nowadays she liked it better to stand somewhere in the middle, where she wouldn't be crushed to death by fanatics or beaten up by a moshpit. Though with HIM, it seemed more the case of avoiding losing your hearing because of the massive amount of screaming girls up front.  
While the waiting had seemed to pass by so slowly, the gig went by in a blink. It had been her first time seeing HIM live, somehow she always missed the band when they performed in her area. But she’d loved their music for years, so it was incredible to finally hear some songs come to live on a stage. The show had been a good one, although, truthfully, Ella had expected it to be better. The band was tight, and musically everything was top notch. But HIM’s singer, Ville Valo, had stood on stage passively, almost apathetic, as if he wasn't enjoying himself. Maybe it was due to her own euphoric mood but to Ella he seemed out of touch, even uncomfortable at times. He had just been standing behind his mic most of the time, singing with his eyes closed. But hey, there was something to that as well... It gave him the brooding allure of a heartbroken poet, which also matched the music. It did Sam’s words justice, “the moody ones”. But… it was a far cry from the guy she had seen in Youtube video’s, strutting his way across the stage, singing his heart out and playing with the audience as if it was nothing, making all the women swoon and all the men jealous. But then again, maybe Ella was just still so high on adrenaline she couldn't stop comparing and thinking back how it had been for her just an hour ago, standing on a stage, on top of the world, going mad with confidence. Two totally different situations, she assumed.

Halfway through the last song Ella made her way back backstage, beating the big crowd trying to get out after the gig. To her own surprise, she didn’t get very lost this time, and found the dressingroom rather quickly.

Things had obviously calmed down, most of the visitors cleared out and the rest of the band casually sitting in the dressing room, talking and having a few drinks, winding down after the gig. 

'Hey! How was the HIM gig?' Liz asked. She was curled up on the couch next to Dave, looking all flustered and in love, as if they had just found eachother.

Now it was just the band together, things calmed down quickly. They packed the last of their gear and hung out a bit more. Unsurprisingly, Dave and Liz soon announced they were going home. While Paul and Richard emptied a second bottle of champagne, Ella slipped away to the washroom, to freshen up after a warm and flustered evening. She was too engrossed with her own thoughts, filled up with sensations, about HIM, her own band, and what the future might hold for them, that she barely noticed how the lights flickered a few times. She couldn’t help but snort to herself. Some quality venue this turned out to be once you got backstage. The band had played at venues 5 times smaller than this venue, and some of those bars and venues even had backstage facilities. But hey, at least they had a shower here.

The lights continued to flicker as she made her way back to the sitting area of the dressing room, she ran into Paul, who was just about to leave.

'Hey, Richard just left, and I'm going to get a few beers at the main bar with some friend, care to join me?' He was taking quick swigs of the beer bottle in his hand, trying to empty it before leaving. The mini bar in the dressing room had been a blessing.

'I might in a little while.' 

'Alright, see you soon then, probably. This evening definitely calls for a celebration. I'll just go pack the last of my gear and shit and be off.'

He put his beer bottle down and ran off to gather some of his belongings, leaving Ella behind. She went quickly into the small bathroom to gather her own stuff as well, hearing a quick 'see you later Ella' before the door slammed shut.

Mere seconds later there was a knock on the door and she smiled to myself as she saw the half emptied beer bottle on the table.

‘Ooooh, looks like somebody forgot his booze….’ Ella mocked as she opened the door, until she saw a surprised face looking at her from the other side of the door, and it was definitely not Paul...  
She was staring straight at Ville Valo.


	2. Won’t You Come And Play With Me

** 2\. Won’t You Come And Play With Me **

'Uh...Hi...?' Ella finally managed to mumble, surprised beyond words.

Ville also seemed to be taken a bit aback, not knowing immediately what to say. Mige, whose shorter frame had been partially hidden by Ville’s tall frame, took a step forward from behind Ville, gave him a small look and finally nodded at her.

'Hi. Uh… We're from the dressing room right down the corridor. We just came to see if you had maybe lost power as well, because we just lost all the lights,' Mige paused for a second, glancing around the dressing room quickly, and Ville, who had suddenly woken up it seemed, interrupted him. 'But nothing seems to be wrong here.'

Ella nodded no. 'The lights just flickered here, that's all. You're completely in the dark now?'

'Yeah,' Mige took another step forward, closer to the door, 'our drummer is standing in the shower yelling and the rest is just bumping into everything by light of their cellphones. It's complete chaos.'

'Well, it's a shit backstage area for such a famous venue I guess,' Ella said, laughing, imagining the situation going on in their dressingroom. ‘Have you tried finding someone of the venues staff?’

‘Yeah, our manager. The staff seem to be… hard to find.’   
An idea popped into her head. Bold, but she was still high on adrenalin, and hey, she couldn't let this opportunity to meet a band she admired go to waste. Sam would kill her if she did.

'You can use our dressing room while the lights are down, if you want. Most of my band has already left anyway, and I’m heading out in a few minutes too, so there's plenty of room here. And light of course.'

Now it was Mige and Ville's time to smile. After a few ‘thanks’ and pleasantries, Mige walked off, probably to get the other guys.

'I'm Ville by the way.' Ville put his hand forward, which Ella took and shook firmly, feeling a bit giddy she was meeting one of her favorite bands.   
'I know. I'm Ella. Are there any people who still need to shower? Cause the shower's free as well, and it's no problem.'

Ville's face brightened a bit and he seemed to have regained his normal wit. 'Thanks, that's very considerate. I'll go rescue our naked fat drummer then if you don’t mind.'

Ella just nodded and watched Ville walk back into his own dark dressing room again, which was just a few doors down the corridor. Oh if only she had known about that in the afternoon. In a hurry she went through the dressing room, attempting to clean up some of the mess of empty cups, beerbottles, McDonalds leftovers, personal belongings and assorted trash. She hoped Paul wouldn’t mind her lending out their dressingroom just like that. But come on, it was HIM… And besides, if Paul even came back, he would probably be too wasted to care.

  
As soon as she opened the door, Ville knew he had seen the girl before, somewhere. It took him a moment to realize where he’d seen her. His mind was slow tonight.

Early in the evening he had wandered off, bored, knowing there were already too many fans outside the venue to go for a walk in the city. So he’d wandered around the building, until he had heard the distant sound of live music. The musician in him was immediately lured into the room, a smaller hall, to see a decent sized crowd, watching a band. Leaning against the banister in a dark corner of the hall, where no one would see him, he stayed and watched.

The band had been pretty good, very enthusiastic and playful, and the people watching all seemed to be enjoying themselves. The girl, Ella, had been the guitarist, doing backing vocals. He’d noticed her immediately, because he had walked in on some sort of duet between her and the actual leadsinger, some sort of tantalizing, somber and emotional song, on which she took the lead, mostly. Only two people on stage, and giving the choice between eyeing up a guy or a girl… Easy pick. The whole hall had been dead-silent, silent enough to hear a pin drop when the girl sang her somber tune and the other singer slowly joined in.

He stayed and watched the entire remainder of the gig after that, truly enjoying the young band’s honest, carefree enthusiasm, which was addicting to see. It tugged at him, because it was something he seemed to have lost recently.  
He did not understood a word the leadsinger was saying in between songs, but knew enough to tell when they were about to start on their last song, by the sounds of booing from the crowd. He waited another minute or two, and then walked off. As he turned to leave, the girl vocalist crossed eyes with him and seemed to look him straight in the eyes for an intense second, even from that far away. He immediately made his way out of the room. Call him paranoid, but he wasn’t in the mood lately to be recognized and to be called out or even recognized in his “private time”. In fact, whenever he could, he avoided social occasions like the plague these days. Just not in the mood to communicate. If only he could be invisible, some days.  
  
An hour later Ella was having more fun than she could have imagined. Even though it had been her honest intention to leave the band alone after a few minutes and let them have some privacy, she was still there. After the whole band had shown up and taken over the dressing room, along with their manager Seppo and some of their crew, like a storm, she had never really got around to leaving, despite honest intentions. Casual talks with one HIM member after another led to casual drinks, and before she knew it they were all hanging out, having drinks and a few good laughs. Everyone was just chilling in goodhearted chaos as the most random of people walked in and out of the room, it was an adventure in itself to see the logistics of a band like HIM.  
She’d half expected them to be a bit… well, arrogant, being quite a well-known band, but they were all incredibly down to earth and great, fun guys to spend some time with.  
As time went by, their party of people grew smaller. Paul had come back half an hour earlier, along with two of his friends, one of which had already gone home pretty soon after that. The crew and Seppo walked in and out, constantly arranging stuff. Linde and Gas had also gone away, to get an 'early' night sleep in the tourbus. Which left her with only Paul, his friend, Mige, Ville and Burton, and some of the crew.  
  


Ella had just opened a new bottle of wine, this one salvaged from the minibar in HIM’s still darkened dressingroom, and was pouring all the wine drinkers a new glass, or rather, plastic cup, when Mige turned to her.

‘So uh, Ella. When I walked past this room earlier today, I overheard some girls 'singing' and screaming to some music. I’m assuming that was you then?' Mige gave her a grin, and seemed to know damn well by then it could hardly have been anyone else.

Ella felt her face turn bright red and was thankful she could turn around to put the wine back, before she sat down in between Mige and Paul again. 'Yeah, we were uh... warming our voices. I had no idea these walls were so flimsy. Sorry if it bothered you.

'It didn't, we just wondered, it was funny to hear. You have a good voice,' Mige said, after which he said something in Finnish. It made all the Finnish men in the room laugh, giving Ella the idea the comment was not meant for her ears, though it made her feel slightly uncomfortable. Paul took the opportunity to say something to her in German, dividing the group of people into two camps for a while.

'Listen, we’re heading home soon. Do you need a ride?’

‘No, I’ll be fine, Sam offered me her couch for the night so I’ll make my way over there soon. For a moment the thought crossed Ella’s mind it would be just her and the HIM guys now. But she was having too good a time, so there was no way she was going home early.

‘I assume you want to stay here anyway, since they're like... one of your favorite bands. Are you sure you can handle three Finnish Vikings though?' Paul winked and she playfully punched him in the shoulder for the hidden innuendo she knew he meant.

'Oh please… If they’re Vikings I’m a Valkyrie… Of course I can handle them. They brought a chess game, for fucks sake. They’re decent. I’ll be fine. See you at your place tomorrow?’

‘Sure. See you at 8PM.’  
And with that, she was on her own.

When they had left, Ella just sat there for a while, chin in her hands, listening to the HIM guys talk in Finnish and trying to follow something of their conversation and sneaking a glance at Ville every now and then. Something was bugging her. While her band had been playing the last song, her eye had fallen on a lone figure, all the way in the back, standing on his own in the dark. When she’d squinted her eyes to see if it was one of her acquaintances, come to see the gig, he had suddenly walked off, as if in a hurry. The thought had crossed her mind that the guy looked an awful lot like Ville. She had written the thought off as her crazed imagination, but looking at him from up close now, she wasn’t so sure. He hadn’t said anything about it though, so she was probably mistaken.

Mige said something, after which the conversation fell silent suddenly, and Ella noticed all three men were looking at her. Fearing she’d been caught staring, she blushed a tiny bit.  
'What..?' she asked, 'Sorry, did I miss something? Why are you all looking at me?'

‘You looked so lost in your thoughts. I said it must be boring for you to hear us talk in Finnish to eachother.’

'Oh no... I was just thinking back of today and listening to your funny language.'  
Mige went on explaining how he still thought it wasn’t very nice of them, after which they all continued in English, even when they just said something to eachother. Listening to them talk in Finnish had been fine by Ella. She still found it hard to believe she was actually talking and having a drink with half of HIM. After the most perfect night with two gigs, one of which she played herself and one of another great band. Couldn’t be a better night. It felt like a dream she was surely going to wake up from, any moment now.

A while later Ville was talking about how he always wished he could see more of the cities they played in. He always tried to see more than just the venue, but often there simply wasn’t time or an opportunity.  
‘Well, let’s go then', Ella said, curious to see if he would tag along. She loved the city at night, but being a girl by herself, she rarely ventured out in the middle of the night. Ville just looked at her as if she was deranged.

'I'm serious. Come on, I'll give you guys a tour of the city.'  
Ville smiled, 'Ok then. I need to go out and buy some smokes anyway. Are you two coming along?' Ville looked at Mige and Burton. Burton nodded no, but Mige seemed at least to think about it.

'Oh come on... It's a nice evening, nice city...' Ella tried to get Mige to tag along as well, cause she doubted she wouldn’t turn into some antisocial and shy person alone with someone she admired like Ville. Who, on top of it all, was even more attractive from up close. Sam was definitely right about that. There was just something about him.

After thinking for a second or ten Mige made up his mind, and still said no. ‘Maybe some other time Ella. It’s been a long tour, I’m pretty exhausted, I really just want to crash into my bunk and drift off.’ 

Ville turned to Ella and shrugged. 'Just you and me then. Let me get my coat.' He said, and walked off to their dressing room.

Ella also grabbed her purse, purple scarf and coat, a black, tight fitting one, widening at the hips and pinching her waist, so it hugged her figure snugly, which was quite nice actually, since it was pretty cold outside. Ville came walking out of his dressing room at the same time she walked out of hers, and they met up a bit awkwardly in the corridor.

'And now the lights are back on of course,' he finally muttered, almost apologizing, ‘stupid venue. Ready?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	3. A Heart So Black and Blue

** 3\. A Heart So Black and Blue **

They had been walking around in _altstadt_ part of the city for a while, the old town centre, and Ville listened attentively while Ella told him some tales about the city and its history, until they ran into a man, dressed up as some sort of... princess on crack. He simply staggered by in a drunken haze, not paying any attention to them. Finally Ella noticed Ville was looking at her expectantly, after staring at the dressed up man for a while. 'Explain?'  
'Yeah...?'

'Why do I keep seeing these utterly moronic happenings? All day I’ve been seeing drunk people in the most random outfits. '

Ella laughed, at his choice of words but also because she realized he probably had no idea it was karneval weekend, when everyone dressed up and got drunk. Ville gave her a look as if he was hurt that she laughed at him.

'Well... It’s carnival, or _karneval_ in German. Pure madness really, suddenly the whole region turns into some modern day Babylon full of drunken morons who get to hide behind a mask and behave in the most debauched manner for five days a year, without guilt or consequence. Mask on, brain off.'

This time Ville laughed. 'How poetically descriptive. You have a lovely way with words.'

Beaming, Ella stared up at him for a moment. A moment too long perhaps, and she felt a blush rise to her cheeks.

'Thanks, though I have to admit I’m nowhere near as good with words as you.’

They were silent for a moment, walking on, in the direction of the waterside of the Rhine.

'Must suck, only to be able to see cities at night. Though also very interesting, in a way, to see these dark and seedy sides of debauchery to cities that are wonderful by day.’

‘Yes, true. Cities are always different at night.’

‘You should come here and be a real daily tourist, some day, it's such a different city in sunlight. A lot less… gothic.'

Again Ville smiled, as they slowly walked on at the waterside, along the different terraces and docked boats. 'I like gothic though. But, we might actually. There's an option to record the next album in Germany actually, I thought it was somewhere around this part of Germany, but I’m not really sure.’

Ella smiled, not really knowing how to respond, but then Ville started talking again. It was amazing to think he wouldn’t even know where he was going to record the next album. So many options to choose from, instead of begging tons of acquaintances with a network to let them record an EP somewhere local in a weekend’s time.

'I saw your band performing this afternoon,' Ville admitted, 'it was a good show.'

So she had seen right after all! 'Oh shush. It’s all kindergarten stuff compared to what you guys are doing up on stage.’

‘No, really, it was fun to see. Your band sounded great.’  
‘Thanks. It was our first show in such a big venue actually, so I'm glad everything went well.'

'Really? You all looked so comfortable in front of a big crowd.'

'Ha, big. And no... It may have helped that most of the crowd consisted of friends and family. But we were all nervous as hell.'

‘Well, you were good. I was impressed.’

Again Ville’s compliments made her feel all warm again. She’d have to make sure to tell the rest of the band about his compliments tomorrow. And now he had mentioned it himself, it seemed safe to ask.

'Were you the solitary guy in the back perhaps?'  
'Busted. You saw me, right?' Still walking, they had reached a crossroad. 'Which way?' Ville asked.

'Right. And yes I saw you. You kind of stood out like a sore thumb, lurking all alone in the back.'

Ville laughed to himself for a moment. ‘Just what I was trying to avoid,’ he paused for a moment, ‘didn’t spot you at our gig.’

Now it was Ella’s time to laugh. ‘Tough luck in such a big crowd. Though I have to admit I was in the back as well.’

‘Trying to be invisible as well?’

‘No, just trying to avoid getting my eardrums pierced because of all the screaming.’

Ville snickered and gave her a look as if he was trying to say he understood. By now they had walked pretty far, and it was cold along the windy waterside of the Rhine. Even inside her warm coat, Ella was shivering. Her teeth started clattering, which Ville immediately heard, but he just looked and laughed again, much to her annoyance.

‘What?! I’m not Finnish! You may be able to stand the cold, but I definitely cannot,’ she exclaimed, a bit annoyed.

‘Come on then,’ Ville was still laughing, but in an endearing way now, and placed a gloved hand on her back, leading her to a small, quiet-looking pub nearby.

It seemed Ville had found one of the only places where there wasn’t a _karneval_ celebration going on. The pub was warm, cosy and rather quiet, only a few other people inside at the late hour. None of them looked too interesting or interested in either Ella or Ville, for that matter.

Ella followed Ville and sat down at a small table at the window. Obviously remembering the fact that she’d been drinking wine at the venue, Ville went over to the bar and ordered a glass of red wine for them both. Normally, it nettled Ella if a guy ordered a drink or food for her without even asking, but with Ville, it was somehow… courteous.

'So you were already familiar with our music, I gathered?' Ville asked her when he returned, picking up the conversation where they’d left off.

‘Yes, I was,' Ella quickly took some sips from the wine, hoping the next comment wouldn’t make her come across as some sort of stalker now. ‘Bit of a fan, actually.’

‘So not your first show either then?’

‘It was actually. Somehow I always end up missing your gigs. Nearly thought I’d miss this one too because of our own gig.’   
Ville mockingly scolded her, with a big grin on his face though. ‘Some fan you are, only seeing this first gig. So did you enjoy the show?’

'Yes. It was… good.’

‘Good?’ Ville asked, obviously picking up on the hesitation in her answer.

Ella scooted in her seat, uncomfortable, knowing he’d picked up on it and knowing she couldn’t back out of it now. Luckily, she had the feeling Ville wasn’t one of those musicians who thought that every little thing he did was perfection.

‘Well, I was high on adrenalin from our own gig. So maybe my expectations were unreasonably high. Too high to be fair.’

‘No such things as expectations that are too high.’

She averted her eyes, looking out the window. ‘To be very honest... Musically everything was perfect, for as far as I know. But you almost… looked like you weren't having fun on stage. Don't get me wrong, your singing was epic, it was just as if you'd rather be somewhere else.'

_I can't believe I just said that._

She looked at Ville carefully, to see if maybe her gut instinct had been wrong and he was getting angry after all. But Ville was just looking at the table, leaving her hanging in the longest time he’d been silent so far.

'Damn you’re honest… Well, I asked for it I guess.’ Ville’s eyes went from the table to the window and back to the table again. It was still hard to gauge his mood now. ‘Sometimes I just forget people might actually give me an honest answer, instead of sucking up. Now I guess I have to be honest with you as well. Tonight was... not a good night for me. And that must have showed in the performance.' He paused for a while, adding with an afterthought, 'and in the whole tour actually.'

He looked up and looked her straight in the eyes, his eyes almost holding a dare. _Now respond to that_. Ella wanted to blink but found she couldn’t. His amazingly green, but sad eyes were keeping her in a deadlock, until she finally managed to respond and take a leap again, her voice irritatingly squeaky under his stare. 'What's making you so unhappy?'

She had no idea if he wanted to talk to her about it, or talk about it at all, but he really seemed to be troubled by it. Ville just sighed and looked out again, at the deserted street and the waterside outside.

'You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.' she added, hoping she had not offended him and that he hadn’t shut down on her entirely.

'I should talk about it really. But it's just...hard. I don’t talk about those kind of things easily.' Again he paused for a long time, emptying his glass and lighting a cigarette, while Ella waited for him to talk again. If he was ever even going to start again. She took a few sips from the wine as well and gave Ville a careful smile when he finally looked at her again, in obvious unhappy despair this time. When Ville saw her smile his lips curved into a careful smile as well, and finally he broke the silence.

'I had a really nasty break-up a while ago. My ex... she really… It really tore me apart. And I guess I'm having a hard time dealing with it.'

'Tore you apart? Must have been a really bad situation then.' She really wanted to reach out to him, place her hand on his arm laying on the table, but it seemed too much, too scary. Though it’d been fairly painless and comfortable, spending time with him, that was just a bit _too_ casual.   
Now Ville had decided he was going to talk, he needed no further encouragement.

'You see... I found out she had been sleeping with someone else for months. And when I confronted her with it, she made it pretty clear to me that I was, at least indirectly, to blame. And I’m sure I was. That I was never there for her and hadn’t been taking good enough care of her, while her new guy was taking care of her, obviously. I tried to have a decent conversation about it, but when she flung an ashtray towards my head I grabbed my belongings and left, expecting not to hear from her again. But it hasn’t been a clean break. She keeps saying she wants me back, now. But it… feels wrong. I think she wants me, the relationship, back for all the wrong reasons. And when I tell her it's over, all the cursing and screaming starts again.'

He really seemed to be on a roll now, the words pouring out. His sudden honesty shocked Ella, she hadn't expected this man, probably considered a celebrity in some parts of the world, and whom she had only known for a few hours, to tell her such personal stuff. And from the looks of it, Ville couldn't really believe he had told her everything either. Though after this he remained silent for a while, pensive, looking at his empty glass.

'That's terrible, really... I had no idea. Sorry I brought it up. And I'm sorry to say so, but she sounds like a bit of a... well… You're better off, I’m sure.'

Ville gave her another distant smile, still looking sad, and Ella couldn't help thinking what a bitch this girl must be, to get a grown man in this kind of state that it was obviously affecting his daily life and his performances in this manner.

'Maybe. Maybe not,’ He shrugged. ’It's just hard to get over someone you have been with the past couple of years. And to end things in such a way, to find out that all that you believed in… every belief is suddenly worthless...'

Whoah. This guy was getting deep. She’d heard before that Scandinavian people were like clamshells, found it hard to open up. But things had gotten pretty personal, pretty quickly. She honestly felt really bad for Ville.

‘I’m sure it’ll get better soon… Just, give it time. Think bright. Rainbows and sunshine and unicorns. And who knows, maybe another drink will help for tonight.’

Ville let out a laugh, and she looked at him triumphantly. 'See, it’s working.'  
Ella called the bartender to get another glass of wine, but Ville beat her to it, and told him to leave the bottle.   
'Well that's another way.' Ella deadpanned, and to her surprise Ville laughed again.   
'You're really funny, you know that?'  
'No, I should not be in situations like these.' she said, meaning it, inappropriate remarks when things got emotional were her forte. 'I make inappropriate comments and jokes at inappropriate times, like I just did.'

'Well, I don’t care if you do. It’s making me laugh when I’m being all moody and putting a huge downer on an otherwise great evening. So that’s quite the achievement. Honestly, thanks.’

For now, Ella believed him.

When the bottle of wine was empty, which happened rather quickly, Ella suddenly realized something. 'Don't you have to be on your way to the next venue already?'   
'No. We're leaving at 5 AM. We have the day off tomorrow, driving all day.'

'Oh in that way, I understand.'

'And how about you? Don't you have to go home? Wherever that is? Don't you have a gig tomorrow?'

Ella laughed at him, and he looked a bit confused. 'Noooo. We're not that famous. Our next gig is in like... 3 weeks or something. We’re just a highschool band with a very, very long last breath I guess. We’re nowhere near being able to do this for a living. And I don't have to go home either. No job tomorrow and just a short drive home.'

'Drive? You have been drinking. You can't drive now.'

'I’m crashing at a friend’s place nearby, if she picks up her phone. She knows I might come around to her place sometime during the night, but if she’s fast asleep and doesn’t hear her phone… Well, then I'll just sleep in my car, have a few coffees in the morning if I’m not sober enough, and be on my merry way home.’

Ville snickered at her choice of words, seemingly finding her funny again. Or the drinks were getting to him. They definitely were getting to her.   
By now they were the only people left in the pub, and the bartender made it rather obvious he was ready to go home, clearing and cleaning other tables already. 'Looks like we’re supposed to leave, I think the pub's closing in a while. Shall we go outside again?'

Ville agreed, and before Ella had the time to say anything else, he was up and heading for the bartender. He insisted on paying for both their drinks, despite Ella’s protests. It was bad enough that he ordered for her, but now paying for her as well. That really wasn’t something she’d normally accept. But despite everything she found herself smiling at his gallantry, and not for the first time that evening. Mr. rockstar, ever the gentleman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	4. With Tomorrow Quivering In Our Loneliest Lights

** 4\. With Tomorrow Quivering In Our Loneliest Lights **

The cold air felt like a smack in the face, but Ella didn't care, because her cheeks were warm and red from the wine. Once outside, Ville casually strolled in the wrong direction, telling her there was still plenty of time left when she tried to stop him. Somehow, she got the idea he wasn’t in the mood to go back to the tourbus and the good old routine just yet. He seemed to be truly enjoying himself, despite his sad episode in the bar before. 

They’d seen most of the city center by then, so they sat down on a bench by the waterside, talking freely, as if they’d known eachother for much longer, about stuff like how much they both loved cities at night, when even the busiest streets were deserted and everything got this surreal feel to it. It surprised Ella, how comfortable she felt. She was usually far from comfortable around men, especially around men she didn’t really know well. Let alone attractive singers in bands she admired. But somehow it felt good. The alcohol had loosened her tongue and eased her nerves. And then it was suddenly time to head back to the venue, because it was 4.30 already. On their way back, a very logical thought suddenly popped up in Ella’s head.   
'Why didn't you just go to the tourbus when the power went down in your dressingroom? A band like you must have a huge luxurious tourbus with all the comfort you need inside?'

Ville laughed, ‘ah, if only. The bus is pretty great, but pretty cramped. And we have this sort of unwritten rule that unless you want to sleep or be quiet, the tourbus is off-limits when we haven’t left the venue yet. And since most of us weren’t in the mood to go to sleep yet… Which is lucky, otherwise we wouldn’t have had this fine night together.’  
With every step they took Ella saw the venue get nearer, and oh, how she regretted seeing it again, knowing this would mean goodbye.  
  
An hour later, despite Ville's earlier protests, Ella was sitting in her car, preparing for the drive home, going over the night’s ending over and over again in her head.   
The goodbye had been warm but a tad strange. With some sort of sadness in his eyes Ville had thanked her for the very special evening, saying it wasn’t often he got to meet such pleasant, honest people. It seemed a strange thing to say, and it made Ella wonder just what kind of people you attracted, playing in a semi-famous band. Or if perhaps she’d been too honest and direct after all. But instead, HE had then apologized for being so honest with her, for being such a ‘bitter sourpuss’, as he put it himself, saying it must have been the wine talking. Though secretly Ella thought they both knew it wasn’t the wine, he’d just needed to vent. And then he had asked her number, promising her he’d make it up to her someday, if they ever came around again. She was still in shock. Ville Valo, asking HER phonenumber. They _did_ have a wonderful nightly walk and talk together, but surely it was just a formality. It was all too good to be true that she would ever hear from him again, she knew that right away. But still, the mere thought. And then, with a slightly awkward hug and some final goodbyes, that was that. They left, heading for England. 

  
There was no way she could sleep now. No use in bothering Sam by calling her as late as 5.30 either, Ella knew she had to get up at 7 again for her morning shift at work. So she made her way over to a breakfast place she knew that opened early, got a bagel and the biggest coffee they could pour her, and afterwards just sat in her car for a while, completely awake. The coffee, cold air and goodbye had made her sober again. This night definitely earned a spot in the top 5 nights ever. First her own gig, then HIM's gig, the party that followed, meeting the whole band afterwards, having a nice walk through the city with Ville... It had been great, but it also was a lot to process in one evening, and Ella felt restless and suddenly almost on the verge of tears, desperately wanting some peace and quiet. She needed to get home.

Since she was relatively sober, she decided to just drive home after a while. There wouldn't be anyone on the road anyway, and the cops wouldn't be giving out tickets at 6 in the morning, or so she hoped. And though she had promised Ville, it's not like he would ever find out. Irresponsible, definitely. But now, as morning came, she came crashing down to earth from cloud nine. And it hurt, to say the least.   
  
When Ella got home everything was still quiet. Fairly logical, since it was barely past 6 in the morning. She tottered about in her bedroom for a while, but quickly realized she was still too restless to sleep and might wake up the others. From her window she could see it getting lighter in the east, and the sky held the promise of a magnificent sunrise. So she dressed warmly once again and ventured outside, into the forest near her parental house, towards an old treehouse she’d built with her brothers when she was younger. Not much was left of it, except for the floor, sturdy, because her dad had built most of that. All the walls, which the kids had built, were more or less gone. So nowadays it offered a magnificent view and a place for her to go and put her mind at ease. Once up in the treehouse Ella leaned back against the familiar treetrunk, immediately feeling the turmoil in her head subside.   
  


30 minutes later the sun was up, winter birds were singing and Ella was chilled to the bone, but at least in a quieter, melancholy state of mind. She’d constantly been thinking about all that had happened that night, and especially about Ville. As a person, he’d exceeded every expectation she had ever had of the leadsinger of one of her favorite bands. Such a nice, interested guy, with depths in him that she couldn’t have imagined, despite all the heartfelt lyrics most HIM songs boasted. Though he also seemed to be a very confused man right now, who didn’t really know where to turn and who to be. It worried Ella to see how messed up he had been, and she really hoped he’d feel alright soon. The next album would surely be epically gloomy, if he stayed like this, but for his own, personal sake, she really wanted all the good in the world for him. He’d seemed truly heartbroken, and she knew all too well how that felt, unfortunately.   
But still, such good company. Selfish as it may be, she found herself wondering if he was maybe, perhaps even for the briefest of moments, thinking about her as well. But that was ridiculous, he was fast asleep, of course, like every other sane person in the world.

Deciding she’d had enough of her own melancholy, she climbed down from the slippery and cold treehouse again, looking for some warmth inside.

She found her father, sitting at the table, reading the paper and having his morning coffee.

Being a carpenter meant he always had to get up early, which also meant running into your own kids sometimes, just coming back from a night out. Hell, with 5 more or less grown up or adolescent children it happened more often than he would like.

'Morning Ella. Did you get home just now?'   
'No, I was here a while ago already. I just went outside to look at the sunrise.'   
Her father just raised an eyebrow at her. Given the choice between a cold sunrise and sleeping in a warm bed for a few more minutes, it was obvious what his choice would be. Her parents still didn't understand how she could just skip a night without being tired, or go outside in the middle of the winter to watch the sunrise. They valued sleep and comfort more than aesthetics, she guessed.

While Ella put the kettle on, to make tea, she quickly related the night’s happenings to her father. He’d been at the gig together with the rest of the family, and they’d spoken briefly backstage, but he had no idea about the party that followed. Knowing her dad was familiar with HIM’s music as well, she told him the main lines of meeting the band and spending some time with them. She left out the nightly walk with Ville, and mentioned nothing of just how messed up she was feeling. Ella doubted he would understand anyway.

After her dad had left for work she found herself finally growing tired enough to want to go to bed. A little after noon though, she was up and restless again, and figured there was only one way she would feel better; spending the day in good company. She’d agreed to meet the rest of the band later on in the day, but stopped by Sam’s place first, once she’d gotten off from her shift at work.

Her Ella did tell _everything_ , including how she was feeling. Sam understood, as always, and wallowed along with Ella. The epicness of the whole evening, the double feelings concerning the developments in Ella’s own band, seeing HIM live, meeting the guys, and how wonderful yet sad Ville had been.

‘It was strange, Sam. We had _such_ a connection. I actually felt comfortable around him.’

Sam knew how big of a deal that was for Ella, considering the dark place Ella had come from. It was a big deal for her, and it was getting to her more and more, with every hour that passed. Constantly she would find herself wondering… What would HIM be up to right now…? Soundcheck? But no, they had the day off. Dinner? More walks around a strange city? What would Ville be doing? What was on his mind? Had she been on his mind at all, maybe even for the slightest moment? Maybe, against all odds, would he still remember her as time went by...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	5. Icebreakers Infernal

** 5 Icebreakers Infernal **

Halfway through April, Ella had almost gotten Ville Valo out of her head. Almost.

The first few days had been hell, getting through the everyday routine after coming down from such a high. But it passed as time passed by. Days had finally turned into weeks, and the cold winter went away, clearing the way for spring. _Love’s Light Blue_ were going on an indefinite hiatus and as she’d expected, she’d never heard from Ville again. So nothing really came of the majestic, wonderful, too-good-to-be-true-evening after all, on both counts. She hadn't _really_ expected him to call or text. Nor did she believe he ever would. Still, everytime she checked her phone and saw she had a missed call, her heart would skip a beat.

It was the second day of Easter, the day everyone in her family traditionally spent either in front of the TV watching the millionth rendition of _Jesus Christ Superstar_ , or spent at the house of a respective boyfriend or girlfriend, after the obligatory Easter dinner at home on the first day of Easter. Since both her brothers and one of her younger sisters were dating, Ella was at home with just her parents and youngest sister, all watching TV and wasting time. Ella was in a particularly bad mood, having nowhere to go for Easter for yet another year. When she received a text message she opened it expecting it to be Sam, probably also bitching about how boring these ‘festive holidays’ usually were.

When, instead of seeing one of Sam’s sarcastic remarks, she saw something written in English her heart actually lunged.

_‘Hello Ella. Don’t know if you remember me?’_ was all it said. She looked at the sender, and then checked it again, and again, just to be sure. It definitely was Ville.   
_‘Of course (: why wouldn't I remember... How have you been?’_ She texted back, not really knowing what his goal in texting had been and what she should text back, beside the general small talk.

For an agonizingly long time, nothing came. Ella almost began to think she had imagined it all. Finally, more than two hours later, he finally sent something back.

‘ _Actually just landed in Germany. Going to record our new album here. In Dusseldorf, thought that was somewhere in your area?_ ’

She vaguely remembered him talking about recording the new album outside of Finland, “perhaps somewhere in Germany, somewhere around here I think”, but she had never expected they would actually do that. Germany, of all places. Why not go and record your album somewhere cool. Say, Abbey Road Studio, London? Or Berlin even, channeling David Bowie and Iggy Pop?

‘ _It is. Just a thirty minute drive from here, actually._ ’ It wasn’t before she had sent it, that she actually realized just how close they were, and what it implied. What were the odds?

‘ _Great! You should look us up in the studio sometime soon, come over for a visit, it would be lovely to see you again.’_

‘ _Sure, drop me a line when it suits you (:_ ’ She sent back, hoping it wasn’t too distant, but she didn’t want to come across as overly eager. Because she wasn’t freaking out. At all. No way. But oh boy, she was.

The afternoon had suddenly passed by much faster as well, and it was already 5 PM when Ella sent her last reply. She had expected that to be the last of it, at least for a while. He’d vaguely promised to be in touch if they were ever around, and he’d done his polite duty now. Though the prospect of meeting the guys again was wonderful, she knew she shouldn’t expect too much, Ville was probably just being superficially polite. And then her phone rang.

Seeing it was actually Ville again, calling her this time, Ella stared at her phone dumbfounded for a while, before she remembered she actually had to pick it up. She quickly made her way outside before she answered, her parents and younger sister had absolutely no business with this particular phonecall.

‘Hi.’   
'Hello,' she heard his characteristic deep voice say, and her heart fluttered.

'How about you come over right now?'  
A rather impertinent ‘huh, why’ was all she managed to blurt out at first, being too surprised by what he said and why he could possibly be in such a hurry.   
'Well, I need my personal German guide of course,' she heard him say, chuckling. 'And honestly, in all desperation… Because our great record company dropped me and Mige off at the deserted studio headquarters here. We seem to be in the middle of nowhere, don't know the language, we don’t have any food, don’t know what's eatable, and we don't even know the way out of here, to go to the restaurants or shops.' She heard a bit of embarrassment in his voice, and knew he was embarrassed for having to ask her this.   
'It's Easter Monday. Everything is closed anyway.'  
'Exactly, which is when I remembered you telling me you lived nearby and are a great cook.’

She laughed, surprised by how charmingly he still managed to make this downright abuse of a distant acquaintance sound. ‘Oh, you’re good Ville. Very cunning.’ 

‘And I’m also asking you because of the good company, of course.’

‘Of course.’  
'Because I really _am_ looking forward to seeing you again.'  
'That's just because I possibly have your dinner. Fine. Tell me where you are.'  
  


Within an hour, Ella was walking up to the building where Ville and Mige were temporarily holed up. Only a small, indiscrete sign next to the door gave away the secret that there was actually a studio-complex in there. She was dragging a bag full of ingredients with her, enough for a quick, make-shift pasta, some snacks incase the men got hungry before they could go out for breakfast, a six-pack of beer and a bottle of red wine. That ought to do it. Though with the Finns’ reputation for binge drinking, she wasn’t so sure.

She pressed the buzzer for the number Ville had given her, waiting an agonizingly few seconds before she heard his now familiar baritone voice respond merrily.

‘Good evening. I’ll buzz you up. Just come up the first flight of stairs.’

After which the front door quickly clicked open and Ella made her way upstairs, heart pounding in her chest once again. Ever since first meeting him, she had an enormous soft spot for Ville, and being able to meet him again against all odds was exciting. A pair of bright green eyes and a big smile greeted her at the top of the stairs.   
Her ‘hello’ was suddenly shy, while his was pretty merry and confident, followed by a hug, taking Ella by surprise. As well as she could with the bag of food still in her hand, she hugged him back, timidly, suddenly very aware of herself and how she tensed. Ville seemed to notice too, because he cleared his throat, while taking the bag from her and gesturing for her to follow her down the corridor ahead.

‘It’s just down the hallway. Studio is downstairs, living quarters for the recording artists are up here. A few apartments and rooms.’ He led her to an open door and gestured for her to follow him inside.   
‘I’ll just go to get Mige, I’ll be right back,’ Ville said, as he came back from the kitchen area around the corner, where he’d dropped off the bag. He smiled at her before going out, and Ella looked after him. Perhaps it was just her, but despite his cheerful manner, Ville seemed to look even worse than when she had last seen him in February. Scraggly beard, unkempt frizzy hair and a rather unhealthy-looking complexion, pale with dark circles around his eyes. She didn’t get much more time to think about it though, because before she knew it Ville returned from the neighboring apartment, with Mige in tow, who was more than happy to see her again as well, and before Ella realized, it was like they all just continued where they’d left off two months ago.

  
Not much later, after a drink, Ella found herself cooking the two hungry men dinner in the small kitchenette. It turned out neither of the men could cook very well, even if they would have had any food in the apartment, so she was the designated cook for the night. Though she actually loved to cook, so she didn’t mind one bit. She was keeping herself busy in the kitchen, simply enjoying herself listening to the two men in the livingroom, chattering away in Finnish, until Ville hopped onto the counter next to her, handing her a glass of wine and throwing a curious glance at the food.

‘How’s it coming along?’

She gave him a funny look, ‘it’s just some spaghetti with vegetables and pasta sauce out of a jar…’

‘Sure smells great.’

Ville sniffed audibly before dipping his finger into the sauce, which earned him a well-deserved slap on the hand. Ville laughed for a moment, before turning more serious again, and Ella knew something was on his mind.

‘Seriously, thanks for this. You’re our savior.’

‘My pleasure.’ 

'Ella… The fact that we’re here, recording… You didn't… Tell anyone we're here, did you?' He looked at her, slightly insecure. And Ella wondered when he got so paranoid.  
'No. I didn't tell anyone, Mr. Suspicious. Besides, this is not Finland, I doubt anyone really _cares_ about you being here.' She winked at him and turned to the spaghetti again with a smile.

Ville seemed relieved.

‘Shit. I forgot how honest you are. It’s just… the press has been hounding me, back in Finland. Part of the reason why we wanted to record somewhere foreign. Being anonymous for a while would be great.’  
'Where is the rest of the band, anyway?' She asked him after a while, seeing Mige come into the kitchen as well, realizing again it was only the two of them.  
'Mige just came to keep me company for a few days and to help set up some basic stuff. The rest of the guys don’t have to be here till I’ve finished writing the lyrics. Which I’ve been stalling, of course, so I figured a change of surroundings might do me good, and I came here early. '  
'Aha.' she said, as she drained the spaghetti and poured it in with the sauce and vegetables. Ville and Mige helped her take pot of spaghetti and a few more drinks to the table, which had been already set with plates by the two men before.   
Before Ella knew it, they were small-talking away again, hardly having time in between conversation to properly eat their dinner. She had to refuse when Ville offered to fill up her glass again, still had the drive home ahead of her, and she wasn’t planning on drunk driving everytime she hung out with them.  
'Now I know again why I don't have a license.' Ville joked, laughing at her for not being able to drink.

The evening went by in a blink, just talking to eachother like old friends. Mige was a delight as well, with his quirky sense of humour, he could easily keep the conversation going all by himself. Ella hadn’t really gotten to know him that well before, but he was very goodhearted and easygoing. Before she left, both men made Ella promise to drop by again soon, knowing she would probably be too shy to invite herself again, afraid to intrude.

‘We owe you dinner. And I still owe you some none-depressed drinks, too.’ Ville said. Ella smiled to herself. She liked the thought of that, but seeing the state Ville was in, she had a strong feeling the next drinks would be pretty depressed as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	6. When Doubts Arise The Game Begins

Ella’s week went by as usual, though she had to admit time seemed to go by just a little bit slower. She worked her normal shifts at the retirement home she worked at, but found herself distracted several times each day. She’d visited Ville and Mige again on Wednesday, meeting up with them for a few drinks in some random bar they’d found near the studio, and having the most fun she had had in a while. Both men were horribly funny on their own, but together, with a few drinks behind them, their comical interaction was hilarious, so Ella spent the majority of the evening laughing at their jokes and anecdotes instead of actually adding something decent to the conversation. 

Friday afternoons were generally a slow day at work. Administrative tasks, updating the patients’ care plans… There were definitely better ways to spend your Friday. Ella had been tapping her fingers on her desk for hours already it seemed, hoping time would pass by quicker. As soon as she got off from work she had to make her way over to some local venue, where Love’s Light Blue would play their penultimate gig. Just one more gig after that, and the band’s agenda was officially empty. Soon, Paul would be off to the States, and they’d be lacking a drummer, and since their bassplayer was currently carrying a +1... Honestly, Ella thought this would be the end of the band. 

Ella could hear her phone buzz in her backpack, and even though she wasn’t allowed to use her mobile phone at work, it was too tempting not to check who was sending her messages. Ever since Monday it had seemed especially hard for her not to check her phone constantly. She took out her phone, quickly sneaking a glance at the message. It was from Ville, again, and she barely noticed how she immediately started smiling.

‘ _Any plans for tonight? Care to come over?_ ’

Mige had left the day before, flying back to Finland before coming back with the rest of the band in a little while. She imagined Ville must be feeling a bit lonely without him. It was a shame she had to disappoint him.

‘ _Can’t, I’m sorry, I have a show tonight._ ’

She doubted for a moment, and finally added, almost with crossed fingers, ‘ _how about tomorrow?_ ’.

She could see one of her superiors coming in her direction, so she quickly put her phone away in her pocket, pretending to be busy. Unfortunately for Ella, her superior stuck around in the office she was working in for a little banter, which kept her in agonizing ignorance, all the while feeling her phone buzzing in her pocket. Of course, _now_ he had to call.

When she was finally done with her shift, she quickly called back, hoping she wouldn’t disturb him. He picked up after 2 rings.

'Hello.'  
'Hi. Sorry I couldn’t answer before, I was at work.’

‘Oh, so sorry to disturb you then. Are you off from work now?’

‘Yes. I hope I’m not disturbing you now?’

‘You? Never.’

They both fell silent then, and Ella thought she could hear him puffing on a cigarette. There was a faint twang of guitar strings too. She could just imagine him, sitting in the apartment, picking at a guitar in a cloud of smoke. It reminded her that he should be writing new songs, not texting her all week.

‘So how about tomorrow?' she finally asked, gently reminding him.   
'Tomorrow. Yes. Tomorrow would be good. And I was wondering...uh...' It remained silent for a while and again she heard him audibly exhale, as if blowing out smoke, figuring out his words, letting her dangle.  
'Yes?' she gently edged him on.   
'If you uh... maybe wanted to like...stay over? So um... we could go out for a few drinks in some bar and you don’t have to drive home again all alone in the middle of the night?'

Ella smiled to herself, it really sounded as if he had barely dared to ask her. But to be honest, her stomach flipped.   
'Sure,' she said, and this time she heard a small sigh of relief, or so it seemed. No time to dwell on it though. Listen, I have to run now, I gotta get to the venue. I'll be there around 7, ok?'  
'Great. See you then. Have a good one tonight…'

It wasn’t until she’d hung up that Ella really realized what she’d just agreed to. Staying over. Spending the night at his place. It wasn’t necessarily the fact that it was Ville, but a man in general. At first she had been all fangirlish, thinking ‘ _Oh my fucking god I'm hanging out with Ville Valo’_ , but that passed by pretty soon, on the first night already, when she cooked for him and Mige. He was in fact, just a normal guy, not very different from her other male friends. Just looking for some company in this weird ass country he didn't know. Looking for someone to cook him a nice dinner on his first night there and offering him a beer. Something like that. She was very sure he didn’t like her as anything more than a friend. Despite him being in touch with her all the time and sounding a bit nervous before. He’s was just reaching out to the only person he really knew in Dusseldorf. He’d probably just sensed her unease. She still found it hard to open up to people and NOT feel awkward.

  
But still she had to admit she found herself wondering what clothes to wear when she was going to see him, or how her face looked. No pimples, no messy top bun, make up fixed, etc. Bring _actual_ pajama’s, instead of an old, tattered shirt. But that could just be the normal female hormones...who knows? She certainly didn’t know anymore. She hadn’t casually hung out with an attractive guy since… well, almost forever. Since Kevin. And look at how much that had eventually messed her up.

The routine was becoming familiar now. She would press the buzzer at the studio building, Ville would say something witty and buzz open the door for her, after which she would make her way upstairs, already finding the door to his apartment slightly ajar, waiting for her.

‘Hello.’ She announced, letting herself in and dropping her small weekendbag in a corner next to a sidetable, seeing Ville hastily stubbing out his cigarette and getting up from the couch.

‘Are the stores still open?’

‘Yes, until 8 PM... Why?’

What an odd greeting. She frowned as Ville made his way over to her and gave her a light hug.

‘Good evening to you too by the way. We need to get some goodies.’

‘Goodies?’

‘Eh… Beer and wine mostly,’ he paused, looking away. ‘And food of course.’  
She laughed, and looked around the apartment. It definitely seemed that Ville had had other priorities than shopping for groceries and cleaning up after himself. The apartment was nice and messy, equal amounts of empty beerbottles, acoustic guitars, ashtrays filled with cigarettes and notes scribbled full with what seemed like lyrics, all lying around.

Ville himself looked as if he hadn’t eaten in days either, as he stood there pulling a simple black hoodie over his thin frame before shrugging on his coat. Although only marginally, he did look better than last weekend, when he’d looked utterly exhausted, to be honest. He looked slightly less disheveled. Gone was the messy beard, now only a light stubble darkening his chin and cheeks, and he had his hair tied back underneath his typical black beanie. His greyish pallor now a slightly more healthy complexion.  
'Why the rush?' She asked, although she knew she had pretty much guessed the truth already, when he added food as an afterthought.

‘I just realized I have nothing decent to offer you for breakfast tomorrow.’

‘Bad, bad host.’

‘I know, shame on me.’

They made their way back outside, and Ella snuggled deeper into her scarf. It was still damn cold, even though it was halfway through April already. She was ready for spring to start. Ville seemed unfazed by the cold, as usual. Though, to be fair, he did usually seem to wear layers upon layers of clothing.

‘So did you get some writing done the last couple of days?’

‘Bits and pieces, not much more unfortunately, nothing’s coming together’ he got a pained expression on his face, the lack of inspiration he had mentioned a few days ago didn’t seem to have lifted, and it was bothering him. ‘But enough talk of that. It’s Saturday. When we’re recording an album, we always try to take the weekends off. Though I struggle with it when I’m writing. It’s all or nothing, most of the time. So I’m trying to balance it out these days. Get some rest, have some fun. Get my mind off of things. Which I definitely need after the last few days. Might keep me sane.’ He turned to her, showing a devilish grin ‘Sort of sane, at least.’   
  


They found a small grocery store nearby, and once they were doing the actual grocery shopping, Ella was generally surprised about the amount of food Ville picked up. Or rather, didn’t pick up. He let her get whatever she wanted for breakfast the next morning, and insisted he could survive on Ramen noodles, take-out Thai food, some fruit, and a generous amount of coffee the rest of the week. After scolding him, he finally let Ella pick out some other basic stuff as well, easy meals he could make during the week, visibly amused with her almost motherly concern. 

On his turn, Ville took especially long in the liquor section, in complete shock they sold hard liquor in supermarkets, which apparently wasn’t allowed in boozy Finland.

‘Anything I can get the lady?’ He asked.

Ella couldn’t help but smile, he was always so polite and considerate. She walked down the store aisle, to find what she was looking for, with Ville following closely behind her until she finally found the particular red wine she was looking for.

'This is my favorite. It's a really, really smoky red zinfandel.'

Ville nodded his approval, and took two more bottles from the rack, before taking the third from her hands as well, making her chuckle.

After picking out a few general basics such as a six-pack beer, a bottle of Absolut Vodka and a bottle of Jack Daniels he turned to her. 

'We're done I guess.'   
'Good, because God only knows how we’re supposed to get all this back to your place...’   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments are always very welcome :)


	7. Let Me Know You

Ville looked at Ella from afar, who had taken it upon herself to clear away the groceries in the kitchen. What on earth had he been thinking, having the guts to invite her while everything was such a mess. Both literally as figuratively speaking. His manners seemed to have gone out the window with his self-esteem. And his talent, apparently. He had been slaving over songs and lyrics all week, but nothing decent seemed to come out anymore. He’d lost his touch, and it made him feel lost in everything, entirely. And he was dragging her through his mess, quite literally. Calling her up yesterday, in a few lost and lonely evening hours. He was on his own, always on his own these days it seemed. But he didn’t feel like just going out to some random bar, all by himself. And the thoughts of the last couple of months, all the shit he went through with Noora just overwhelmed him. But he had not called Noora, he had called Ella. He started clearing away some of his mess. Another empty winebottle, another ripped up paper with uninspired poetry in his scrawled handwriting. Though even know he was mostly just moving stuff around, getting distracted by some scrap of paper again.  
  


It surprised him that Ella was even here, surely he should have driven her away by now with his lame jokes and his moping around. Yet here she was again, humming in the small kitchenette. Without judgement, almost stoic and blind to the mess he made of himself and his surroundings, trying to create some order into it, even though he barely deserved that. When he first met her in that venue, back in February he’d have never thought it would actually come to this. Sure, he had already been pretty certain they would record their new album over here, and so he had asked her number at the end of the evening. Plan B, just in case he ever got bored while he was here and wanted to go out for a few drinks. But then, thanks to his _wonderful_ record company, she had proved to be his savior on his first evening already.

And as it turned out, it was so nice, having her around.  
Of course, they’d had fun that first post-gig evening in February, and he’d found her genuine and funny. But now he got to know her even better… Ella seemed to be such a genuinely good person, someone so honest and purely kind of heart. No hidden agenda. Even though they hadn’t known eachother for long, she seemed to support him, taking care of him in more than one way, no questions asked, in her own calm and accepting manner. Unfazed by who he was or the mess he created of his life.

He lit another cigarette as he once again eyed her up from afar, this fragile blonde girl with her sad grey eyes. There was something there, behind those eyes, he’d suddenly come to realize. Some sort of sadness. Sorrowful grey eyes, when she didn’t notice he was looking. Maybe he was just imaging things in his romantic, melancholy heart. He had no clue about her, actually, because even during that very first evening, after the gig, he hadn’t stopped moping long enough to really get to know her. Self-centered bastard. He knew so little about her actually… She could be a goddamn serial killer, for all he knew.   
Ella was still a mystery to him. But when she caught him looking from the kitchen and smiled at him, and he felt his heart stutter for a bit, he realized she was a mystery that was growing on him, luring him in. And a mystery he was determined to unravel tonight.

Ella was too caught up in her own thoughts to notice Ville staring at her from across the room, while he cleared away most of his notes and acoustic guitars, or at least moved them around. He sighed audibly every minute or so, she could hear it from the kitchen. Poor guy. Ella didn’t even have to ask to know that the songwriting was wearing him down. Despite his better appearances, his mood in general seemed to have decreased over the week. After his initial jolly greeting, he seemed lost in thought tonight, pensive. It seemed that he was rapidly becoming the Ville again she had first met, the troubled, heartbroken poet. Gone was the wittiness she had come to know over the last week. It bugged her that he was stuck in such a rut, and she had no idea what to do about it.

When her phone rang, it took her a few moments to snap out of her thoughts and pick up, almost missing the call.

‘Hi sis,’ she said, having seen her little sister’s number on the display.

‘Hey El, where are you?’ Her sister’s calm, soft personality almost burst forth from the telephone. God, never let that girl be hurt. Hanna still had that youthful naivety and cheerfulness that Ella sometimes regretted she had lost a few years ago already. Ville could use some of that too.

‘Uh. I’m at a friend’s place.’

Luckily for Ella, her sister didn’t pick up the hesitation in her answer. _A friend._ Sometimes it still suddenly surprised her that she could count Ville Valo among her friends. Not that her sister had any idea who Ville Valo might be… 

‘Will you be home later tonight?’

‘No, I’m staying over actually.’

‘Oh… I wanted to see if maybe you wanted to have a movie-night or something, but some other time then I guess.’

‘Sorry… But we’ll plan one soon, ok?’

‘Sure! Have fun tonight!’

‘You too. Bye Hanna.’

Ella hung up her phone and was surprised to see Ville standing in the doorway, looking at her with a weird pensive look on his face.

‘What?’ She asked.

‘Nothing… I’m just still amazed at your language everytime I hear it. All the _argh och skr_ sounds.’

‘Hey! No bashing my language!’ Semi-insulted, Ella threw a roll of biscuits his way, which he deftly caught and then opened.

‘Besides, you’re one to talk. You and your Finnish… It’s impossible to pronounce OR write down.’

‘Well, that’s true.’

Ville walked over, offering her a cookie as well while munching on one himself. Good to see he apparently still had an appetite.

‘Was that one of your friends on the phone just now?’

‘Hanna actually. Wanted to know if I was in for a movie night tonight.’

They ate in silence for a while, until Ella realized that he had probably never heard her speak of a sister, since she’d never told him of her home situation so far.

‘She’s one of my younger sisters.’

‘One of?’

‘Yes. I’ve got two younger brothers, twins, Tim and Tobias. And then two younger sisters. Simone, and then Hanna is the youngest.’

Ville whistled between his teeth, a familiar response when she told people about the number of people in her family.

‘Five kids! Must be a lively home you grew up in then.’

Ella laughed at his way of putting it, knowing he meant it half-sarcastically.

‘You can’t imagine. Utter chaos mostly. Which is putting it mildly, with all four of my siblings still in their teens.

‘They’re all a few years younger than you then?’

‘Yeah.’ She hesitated to tell him more, not wanting to bore him with all the details. ‘Mum got breastcancer after she had me, so it took a while before she got pregnant again. Which is why they’re all still in their teens and experiencing their respective angsty, angry or slutty teenage phases right about now. I swear, Hanna is the only relatively normal one.’

‘At least she has good ideas though.’

For a moment Ella couldn’t follow. ‘Good ideas?’

‘A movie night.’

‘You want to stay in tonight?’

Ella hadn’t thought of that possibility yet, she’d been mentally preparing herself for an alcohol-fuelled night out, since the day before he had mentioned going to a bar. Ville went on, voicing her next thoughts exactly.

‘Would be nice, after such an exhausting week. Just a quiet night with a few good movies, few drinks, few… cookies.’ He waved around the pack of cookies again, and she took the opportunity to grab another one.

‘Well, the cookies convinced me. That’s settled then.’


	8. And I Know My Weak Prayers Are Not Enough To Heal

Later that night Ella and Ville were sitting on the couch together, looking through the assortment of movies on Ville’s laptop and bickering about the superiority of horror movies over comedies. According to Ville, nothing could beat a good, old-school horror movie. Not planning on being scared out of her wits all night, Ella just couldn’t agree with him on that one. She liked the occasional horrormovie, but most of them just scared the shit out of her.

Suddenly Ville's phone rang, putting an end to their discussion. He looked at who was calling, and then denied the call, putting his phone back in his pocket again. A few seconds later it rung again. This time he almost yanked it out of his pocket, clearly irritated, switching the phone off and throwing it on the small coffeetable.  
'You don't have to answer that?' Ella tentatively asked.  
'It's the beloved ex again.' He threw a desperate glance at the now silent phone.  
'She's still bothering you?'  
'Yes.' Ville sighed and rubbed his forehead. 'She can't seem to get over it. And I still can't get over her.'  
Ella had been sitting on the arm rest, ready to get up and get some snacks, but now turned to Ville, who was looking downright drained suddenly.

'You have to try. It’s pretty obvious you’ve just gone from enjoying yourself to feeling absolutely miserable in a nanosecond, simply because she called.'  
Ville just showed her a sad smile before looking at the phone again. Evil ex incarnate.  
'I know. She just… sends me to the bottom. The only thing she has to do is remind me of her existence and I feel worthless.'  
'You shouldn't let her do that.'  
'Why not? Why wouldn't I believe it when she says I’m worthless? It's another failed relationship, another failed attempt. Another major fuckup. She's known me for such a long time, she knows me so well. So why not listen to her. Surely there must be truth in what she says? Why believe I'm better than what she tells me?'  
'Now that's ridiculous.' Ella scooted off the armrest, sitting on her knees in front of Ville, who was sitting sideways on the couch, forcing him to look at her.

'Listen. I may not have known you as long as she has, or I may not know you as well as she does, for that matter. But you seem to be a great guy, and deep in your heart you know that. There are so many people in your life who love you and value you. Family, friends, the guys from the band, I’m sure they’ll all tell you, if you tell them how you’re really feeling.’  
Ville still seemed unconvinced, taking his wineglass and taking another big gulp. But Ella was getting fired up now, she couldn’t stand to see him so torn up. He didn’t deserve this.

‘Hell, just think of all those girls in the audience, at every single one of your shows. Surely, to you that might be a superficial example, but they're there for a reason, Ville. They love HIM for a reason and for many of them that reason is what you give them, what you make them believe. You can say they don't really know you, but they know you better than you realize, and they wouldn't be so adoring if you were as terrible and worthless as she says you are.'  
Ville had been quiet all along, but by now at least he looked doubtful instead of downright depressed, biting his lip, deep in thought.  
'You still don't believe me?'  
'Not really.'  
She sighed, frustrated, not knowing how she could possibly convince someone so stubborn.

‘My God… Do you know how many women would kill for a guy like you?'

_Oh God. Did she really just say that…?_

'Why on ear..'  
'Quit being so stubborn. I know you’re always saying you’re a mopey bastard, but now you are _actually_ acting like one. Go… read your own damn lyrics or something. Take a look in the mirror while you’re at it.’

She was blushing madly by now, for telling him off like that and at the same time voicing her opinion of him in this sideways kind of matter. But Ville finally seemed to take notice of what she was trying to tell him. 

‘For what it’s worth… Personally, I think you're one of the nicest persons I've met in a long time. I value our friendship Ville, I value having you in my life. And I’m sure it’s the same for everyone who knows you. Convinced now?'  
'If someone would praise me like that every time I feel down, I'd never write a good song again.'

Ville looked up and gave Ella a small smile. Maybe she had finally gotten through to him, because he suddenly turned to her and pulled her into a tight hug, almost making both of them topple over because she was still sitting on her knees. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been hugged like that. A real, proper hug. She had been avoiding hugs. Oh, how good it felt.

‘Thanks for this,’ he mumbled softly into her ear, ‘I can’t promise I won’t let it get to me anymore, but I’ll sure as hell try.’

In the end, they were watching 1987’s _Hellraiser_ , an old classic, though he knew by now Ella was absolutely frightened of most horrormovies. She’d probably just given him his way to make him feel better. He stole a sideways glance at her, expecting her to be shivering in her seat or something. But while his mood had soared after her Oscar-worthy speech, _her_ mood had seemed to decline. Now she was the one looking absentminded and pensive. She didn’t even flinch at one of the scariest moments in the movies, biting at her thumbnail instead.

'At moments like this you really make me wonder what's on your mind.' Ville said, and Ella seemed to suddenly snap out of her thoughts.  
'Sorry what did you say?'

He chuckled, but stopped when he saw the serious expression on her face. He paused the movie and filled both their wineglasses again, handing Ella hers before he sat back and turned towards her.  
'Ok. Tell me what’s up. I think you have your own issues as well, judging by that look on your face. I just realized I hardly know anything about you. It's been all about me, me, me so far. Since you've had to listen to my sorrow until now, it's not more than normal that I return the favor now and try to cheer _you_ up for a change.'  
Ella sighed and gave him a skeptical look, before saying, 'well, well, where should I begin?' She tried to make it into a joke, but failed miserably. He didn’t cave and simply kept staring at her until she started fidgeting.  
'I have all night...'

She was getting uneasy now. He watched Ella bite her lips nervously for a few seconds, until he realized what an awkward position he’d actually put her in. He couldn’t expect her to just blurt out all her sorrow just like that, like he was obviously doing to her all the time. He understood enough of women to know that it didn’t always work like that, and it could require some gentle prodding to get them talking. And in some cases, you just had to back off. But something was definitely bothering Ella, and he wasn’t going to just ignore this big dark raincloud over her head. If he could just start her off, she’d probably find it easier to open up. Maybe he could talk her out of her rut too. He took a wild guess, mentioning the first thing that came to his mind.

'No issues with the boyfriend?'  
'Don't have one.'  
'Well that in itself is an issue as well.' Ville winked, making her smile. 'A pretty girl like you. There must be a young beau in your life?'

Her face turned serious again and Ville knew he’d struck gold.

'Well. He died.'

 _Whoah. Struck gold my ass._ He definitely hadn’t seen that one coming. And felt sorry already, for bringing it up so bluntly. He guessed he’d earned the equally blunt response. What an asshole he was.

‘Shit. I’m sorry Ella. I didn’t realize…’  
Ella looked away, angrily blinking at the tears that were forming in the corners of her eyes, refusing to cry.

‘Kevin turned out to have a congenital heart defect no one knew about. He died very suddenly.  
'That's horrible...I’m so sorry I mentioned it.'  
'It's ok. Like you said, I need to talk about it.' She took a deep breath and gave him a wan smile. ‘It’s almost been exactly two years now. So speaking of getting over someone…’

Ville felt the incredible urge to give her another hug but held back, not sure she would appreciate it right now. She suddenly seemed so closed off, hardened. He had noticed before how she always seemed to tense during hugs. For some reason it must make her feel uncomfortable. Shit, how had he missed all those signs? The kind, goodhearted girl had sorrow in her eyes for a reason… Instead he patted her knee, like the awkward asshole he was.

'And here I am, being all whiny about my pathetic lovelife and some bitchy ex, while you... Well. Damn. You've been through so much worse. I wish you had mentioned it before, then I wouldn’t have kept going on and on about such a sore subject. Jesus Ella, I’m sorry.’

If it had been him, he would probably still be a wreck even after two years. Though she only seemed to have cracked because he kept pushing. But Ella seemed to have regained her composure already, for as far as she had even let herself go. She just smiled at him. A little tearful around the edges maybe, but admirably still maintaining her calm.

'Tough girl you are.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it :)


	9. Trying To Find The Heart You Hide

That night Ella was trying to fall asleep, on the couch, feeling slightly tipsy from the wine. Ville had mildly argued with her for a while, feeling guilty for letting her sleep on the couch, offering to share the bed or take the couch himself even. But Ella would have none of that, basically kicking him out of the livingroom in the end, before Ville could keep on fussing over any comforts she might be in need off.  
  
In the beginning she didn't really feel at ease, awkwardly sitting on the couch in her PJ's, in a strange, dark livingroom, hearing Ville rummaging around in the other room and knowing he could walk in anytime during the night. She never slept easy in situations like that. After a while she started feeling more at ease, and even tired, but she just couldn’t sleep. Her mind kept wandering off to a variety of uneasy subjects, brooding over things in the past. Talking to Ville about Kevin had reopened some old wounds. Thoughts and feelings she thought had finally gone numb seemed to come back in full force, here in the dark. There was suddenly so much sadness, anger and guilt inside her again, filling her to the brim until she felt she was overflooding and going to let out a bloodcurdling scream. Shadows of familiar, old sensations. She’d had these feelings a lot in the first year after he died. This immense, powerless feeling. Very slowly, she had learned to deal with them. And now, it all seemed to be coming back. On top of that, there was a new kind of guilt. In a week, it would be two years ago that Kevin had died, yet she still felt guilty she was spending time with another man, enjoying herself.  
Being with Ville was confusing her. Even though there was nothing romantic going on between them, she couldn’t deny that she was attracted to him and was inevitably starting to develop feelings for him as she spent more time with him. Feelings she had only felt once before and which had been as confusing then as they were now. And things had ended so badly back then. Nothing good could come of her feelings this time either, she was sure of that. She had been tossing and turning for a solid 45 minutes, but Ella finally noticed she was starting to drift off, ready for some much deserved sleep. At least asleep it was quiet in her head.

Only to wake up again. At bloody seven in the morning. On a fucking Sunday. Well, at least she could make it to church now…  
Knowing she wouldn’t be able to catch any sleep anymore, Ella pulled out the book she had brought with her, snuggling back into the couch for a good read.By the time Ville walked into the livingroom, already showered and dressed, she had had breakfast and was on page 150 of 450.  
'Morning.'  
'Morning love.'  
Ella looked up from her book at that last word, but Ville just walked past her to the kitchen and got himself a cup of coffee. He came strolling back and plopped down next to her on the couch, after taking a look at which book she was reading.  
'What time did you wake up?'  
'At eight.' Ella lied, not wanting to make him feel guilty for sleeping in.  
'Fuck that's early.'  
 _If only he knew..._

Ella put aside her book and rubbed her eyes, which were sore after reading for such a long time. It was past eleven already, almost half a day gone already. She’d better get going so Ville could work on the songs he was still finishing.  
'So I'm gonna leave you alone soon, get out of your way so you can get some writing done.'  
Ville gave her a weird look. 'Did you perhaps look out the window? It’s pouring. You'd better wait till it clears a bit.'  
Ella walked up to the window, and looked outside. She had noticed the gloomy weather, but hadn’t thought much of it. But it was actually pouring down like crazy, windy to, from the looks of it, and she wasn't in the mood to walk through an ocean of rain. 'Ok. You're right.'  
‘Besides, like I told you, I’m having the weekend off. So you’re staying for another few hours at least.’  
‘Am I?’  
‘Yes, you are. I’m counting on you to amuse me, you see.’  
‘Well, I’m sure that will be a grand success…’ Ella said, remembering the night before and the immense fun they had had sharing their most painful stories and insecurities. Oh goody. But inwardly, she was happy to stay for the day, and spend a little more time with Ville.

  
Even though Ville had said he liked taking the weekend days off, not even a few hours later Ella found Ville with an acoustic guitar on his lap, scribbling notes and lyrics down on a stray piece of paper.  
After Ella had showered and they had had some lunch, they’d both fallen back into some sort of lazy listlessness, sharing some small-talk, some cups of cofffe, and glances at the gloomy weather outside. It seemed plain-old boredom was the key to inspiration this time, because not long after, Ville was tapping his fingers and obsessively humming some random tune. It didn’t sound familiar, so Ella was guessing it was a song Ville was working on. She was too afraid to ask, in case she’d interrupt some sudden burst of inspiration. After all, being a major fan of HIM’s music, it was in _her_ best interests as well that he got rid of that writers block.  
So she took up her book again, pretending to read, while secretly spying on Ville as he hummed and strummed, watching the creative process unfold before her eyes. The humming turned to chords and a few stray melody lines, which were soon replaced with bits and pieces of new lyrics, which Ville recorded on his own laptop. Et voila, the beginning of a new HIM song was born.

‘I was planning on looking around the city maybe, but looking outside I changed my mind,’ Ville said, after looking out the window for a while, where the rain was still pouring down. Obviously having managed to record what he wanted, Ville had gradually seemed less crazed with inspiration and seemed ready for a change of scenery.   
‘Looks like it’s going to be another afternoon in front of the TV…’  
‘Well, not necessarily. There are plenty of other things we could do.' Ella answered.  
'Oh?'  
Hearing the tone in his voice Ella obviously knew what he was targeting. Her cheeks flushed a sudden red.  
'Get your mind out of the gutter,' she scolded him, mockingly rolling her eyes at him. 'You could… I don’t know, go to the cinema? There’s one not far from here.'  
'Like that isn't just a giant TV.' Ville winked. 'But it sounds alright to me, as long as we can get out of here for a while. Will you join me? We could catch an early movie and then go for some dinner somewhere. Though I draw the line at German overdubbed movies.'

  
The best part of going to the cinema was _definitely_ Ella, squirming and cowering in her seat. Ville had seen the poster for some new horror movie he had his mind set on seeing, and it seemed Ella had been unable to refuse the puppydog eyes he had thrown her way. So here they were, and by now Ville realized Ella certainly hadn’t been overreacting when she told him last night that she couldn’t endure horrormovies that well. At all. Definitely not on the big screen. She was currently sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest, face turned away from the screen.  
'That scared?' He asked, his deliberately deep voice making her jump up in her chair, and he couldn’t help but chuckle in the dark. Despite everything, he took a morbid pleasure in scaring her with whispered remarks or “accidental” touches at the scariest moments. Though he may have pushed it too far this time, Ella was looking genuinely tormented and petrified.  
'Aw, come here you.' Ville pulled her towards himself, and put his arm around her shoulder.  
He felt her tense up, though she didn’t break away from him. Maybe it was too soon. Or maybe she was just too scared. Wrong time, wrong situation, who knew.  
After a minute, she finally relaxed, and settled back against his arm, already looking calmer. He felt the warmth from her body, which was something he hadn't felt in ages. He had not realized how much he had missed that feeling, or how much he had craved to hold someone again. Or maybe not just anyone. Maybe just Ella.  
She had finally opened up a bit the night before, and he really felt like they’d gotten somewhere, felt a connection. He didn’t know what it was about her, but whenever he was with Ella, he just wanted to be near her all the time. Though he had no idea if that feeling was mutual. He craved these little physical touches, but she always tensed up when he did something like that. He could sort of guess why, trauma hidden underneath her calm composure. But they’d gotten so comfortable around eachother. What was it that still made her tense up? He got the feeling he had only brushed the surface or her inner workings. She was a mystery, still.  
An intoxicating mystery, literally. Sitting this close to her, arm folded around her, he couldn’t stop sniffing at her hair, hopefully without her noticing.  
‘Your hair smells nice.’ He muttered, in a particularly boring part of the movie.  
‘It’s lavender,’ Ella explained, ‘I love lavender.’  
‘I thought lavender was supposed to help you relax? Not really working for you right now I guess…’  
Which earned him a well-deserved elbow in the ribs. He should definitely take her out to see a scary movie more often.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	10. The Commandments Are Of Consolation And Warmth

Two hours later they were back in the apartment again. The rain had cleared and Ella was gathering her stuff to go home, when her phone rang. Sam calling.

‘Sam,’ Ella said with a smile as she answered the call. 

Ville came into the room, talking, obviously not realizing Ella was frantically waving an arm at him to get him to be quiet. Ella hadn’t dared to tell Sam about Ville yet, he kept worrying about press or a bunch of fans finding out he was there.  
It was hard to lie to Sam about where she was and why she had such a busy social life all of a sudden. It became even harder when it turned out Sam had _definitely_ heard Ville say something in the background. Heard someone say something, at least.  
As soon as Sam had ruled out that either of Ella’s brothers was talking in the background, and Ella wouldn’t say who else it was, the conversation spiraled downwards.  
For a moment Sam even went as far as accusing her of having a boyfriend and not telling her, so it was safe to assume she hadn’t heard the 'boyfriend' was talking English and not German. Sam quickly realized how painful her remark must have been, and her fussiness over apologizing let Ella off the hook. After apologizing for being so absent, and with a promise to visit her soon, Ella hung up the phone.  
She sighed and rubbed her forehead, feeling immensely guilty for having to lie to Sam, knowing how worried she always got about Ella’s well-being. It was horrible telling her all these white lies. Ville had been watching Ella the whole time, and obviously understood something was wrong.  
  
'Bad news?' He asked.  
  
Ella sighed and nodded. 'No. That was just Sam. She heard you and got suspicious.’

‘Suspicious?’

‘About who I’m hanging out with. It's hard having to lie to her, not being able to tell her where I've been the past two weekends. She knows me well enough to know something is going on.'  
  
'Then why don't you just tell her?'  
  
'Because you asked me not to! Being all jumpy and paranoid about press and blabla.' She gave Ville a weird look. He burst out into laughter and shrugged.  
  
'Oh love… I didn’t mean it _that_ literally. I meant just don’t… well you know. Don’t go around posting it on internet or something. Don’t want any press or fans on my doorstep while I’m here.’

Well, how the hell was she supposed to know _that_. Ville had been so paranoid the first weekend he was in Germany, and he kept repeating he didn’t want anyone finding out he was there. 

‘But it’s all fine by me if you tell your friends. She’s your best friend, isn’t she? Or am I getting names confused?'  
  
'She is. And well, if you’re fine with it… I think I owe her a visit tonight after ignoring her all weekend. And the weekend before that. Though I’m not sure she’ll actually believe me...’

This earned her a smirk from Ville. ‘In that case… Guess I’ll have to invite both of you over for drinks soon.’

\-------

‘So… There is something I need to tell you.’

  
‘Ha! I knew it! I knew something was up!’ Sam, who had been sulking and moping for half an hour now, holding on to her grudge, jumped up ecstatically, promptly forgetting she was playing angry at Ella for ignoring her, ‘you _were_ with someone. You met someone!’

‘Well, not exactly…’

Once Ella started, she found she couldn’t wait to tell Sam everything that had happened so far, from the days and weeks following the concert to just that previous afternoon.  
When she was done Sam just looked at her in disbelief.  
  
'What? You don't believe me?'  
  
'Well, I think it's hard to come up with all this, and I wouldn't know why you'd go through all the trouble of making this up, so I’ll just assume you're telling the truth. Either that or you’ve _completely_ lost your mind. But bloody hell… It all sounds so...unbelievably too good to be true. I can’t believe my fricking ears.'

Ella laughed, realizing it was indeed strange and a huge coincidence things had turned out like this. Though Sam had imagined all these weird unbelievable scenario’s in advance, even she couldn’t have come up with this one. A text message shook Ella from her thoughts, and she had an inkling who might be texting her. She couldn’t help but smile at his impeccable timing, showing Sam the message.  
 _'Evening love. Drinks on Wednesday? Please ask Sam along if she doesn’t have plans. '_

Speak of the devil.

\--------------

Wednesday arrived before she knew it, and Ella found herself jittery with nerves all day. And not just for her evening plans, she spent her whole day in a rather… anxious matter. She’d accompanied her mum to the hospital, to get a mammography, just a routine checkup. But before either of them really realized it, her mum was rushed along to get a biopsy of a suspicious looking lump in her breast. Considering how her mother already had a history of breast cancer, Ella was instantly worried to death. It would be days before they would get the results back, maybe even a week. Her mum was not too worried, but Ella definitely was.  
A night out with the two persons who were currently her favorite people in the world was just what she needed to take her mind off of things, and both Ville and Sam seemed to be extra considerate that evening, after hearing about the sudden hospital scare. Besides that, Sam and Ville seemed to get along great, like Ella had already expected.  
Ella valued Sam’s opinion immensely, so it was great she finally got to reveal her big secret. Ville had been a great friend to her too, recently, and it would be nice to have someone to talk to about Ville, because it was affecting her more than she dared to admit.

Though, in a way, taking Sam to meet Ville felt worse than bringing a new boyfriend to meet her parents. Not that Ville was a new boyfriend, but Ella just knew Sam viewed every male in her life as a _potential_ new boyfriend. According to her, two years of mourning was plenty of time to get over Kevin. Someone new would be the perfect distraction. Sounds crude, but Ella knew Sam meant well. It was all done out of love, and out of a wish for her to be happy. They’d been best friends since kindergarten, and sometimes it felt as if Sam was the only one who really got her. Always there for her, in good times and very bad times, and not a lot of people could claim the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a shorty but might post more tonight. Thanks for reading!


	11. As The World Around Her Crumbles

'You're sure you ok with it?' 

'Yes! Just go...' 

Ella was bickering with Ville, trying to convince him to leave. They’d agreed to go out for a few drinks again, but as it turned out, by the time she got to his place, Ville had been lured into a last-minute business meeting over dinner, to discuss some things about the album. Producers were very busy people apparently, this Friday night meeting over late dinner was the first chance Ville would get to really talk in depth with the guy. 

'But I feel bad for getting you all the way up here and then ditching you. You sure you don’t want to come? I could pull some strings... I just don’t want to leave you alone on a night like this. I mean, that’s why we planned to go out in the first place. Distraction tactics.'

Ville was referring to the anniversary of Kevin’s dying day. Exactly two years ago that night. Anniversaries like that were still miserable and painful, and even after two years it still felt terrible, but she was convinced she’d be alright. She’d already had her private moment of memorial earlier in the day, visiting Kevin’s grave. It had been rough, she’d bawled her eyes out, but she felt relieved it was over. Another milestone she passed. And one less burden on her shoulders, one less thing to worry about. She’d been worrying intensely over her mum and the test results. They’d be getting them back early next week, so worrying wasn’t really doing her any good now, but Ella just couldn’t stop. It was her mother, for God’s sake. Things just had to be alright.   
  
'I'll be fine! Believe me.' Ella was still trying to convince Ville. 'I know you’ve been trying to get in touch with him for ages, you can’t miss this opportunity…’

‘Still, I could push the meeting back a few days...’

‘Don’t even think about it. You said you barely had the chance to speak to the guy face to face yet. This is important stuff. When the rest of the band arrives tomorrow and they find out you haven't even started discussing the songs... Besides, it would probably bore the crap out of me if I came along. I’ll be fine, I promise. I’ve got a book with me, I’ll just read for a while. ’

She looked Ville in the eyes and saw she had finally convinced him. He reluctantly gave in.   
'Fine. I’ll go. I’ll try to get back as soon as possible. '

'Don't you dare. I won’t open the door if you come back before 9. We can still go out for drinks after. Now go.'

Ville just gave her a wary look and sighed, clearly showing her he still wasn’t happy with the whole arrangement.

‘Make yourself at home. I’ll be back soon.’

‘Not too soon. Just… do your job. As a fan, I’m personally invested in this new HIM album too.’   
  
Ville smirked at that, but finally admitted defeat. He put on his coat and was ready to leave, glancing at Ella one more time, to see if she hadn't maybe changed her mind after all. She seemed on edge, and he didn’t want to leave her alone like this at all.

\-----------

Ville was feeling slightly tipsy, walking back to his temporary home. It had been a good meeting after all, they worked through a lot of stuff and generally seemed to have the same ideas about the musical direction the band wanted to take this album in. He could perfectly envision a particular sound he wanted to achieve, and the producer really seemed to get it. Expanded on his ideas and made them better. An exec of the German branch of the record company even dropped in after dinner and had stuck around for a few drinks. The record company seemed pleased with the way things were going too. So the meeting couldn’t have gone better, but it had gotten much later than Ville had planned. ‘Back by nine o’clock my ass,’ he scolded himself, still cursing under his breath for having to pull this asshole-ish number on Ella while he opened the door. He felt terrible about blowing her off, making her wait, tonight of all nights and he knew he should have texted her when it got later than expected.... Inside the apartment, everything was dark and quiet.  
  
'Ella?' Ville called. There was no answer from the darkness. He could imagine she’d gotten sick of waiting for him and went home. He would have given up on himself a long time ago too.

‘Fucking moron,’ he muttered to himself, switching on the lights, and immediately his breath hitched in his throat.  
There she was, sitting on the floor in front of the couch, her legs pulled up to her chest, all balled up. Her face was turned away from him, shielded by her hair, but he saw the tousles and how rigid her posture seemed to be.

' _Voi vittu_ …' Ville muttered as he walked over to Ella and crouched down next to her. There was no response.

'Ella?’ He carefully stroked some of the hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear, and tried to get her to look at him. ‘Ella, talk to me.’

She still didn't move or respond, so he gently turned her face towards him. Dull eyes staring at the floor, not even acknowledging he was there. Nothing seemed to register. There weren't even tears in her eyes, though he could tell she’d been crying. She seemed to be completely lost, hidden somewhere deep inside herself.

'Shit. I should have never left you alone tonight. I’m so sorry.' Still no reaction. 'Ella? Please say something.'

He needed to get her off the cold floor. God knows how long she had been there already, she felt cold to the touch.   
'Come on darling, let’s get you up and let’s get you warm.'  
  


There was no resistance at all when he pulled her up from the floor, but no compliance either. So he picked her up and carried her, bridal style. Thank God the shock of finding her like that had completely sobered him up. Without a plan really, just to get her warm, he carried her to his bedroom. When he stooped and tried to put her down on the bed, she tensed again, clinging to him. So he sat himself down instead, still holding her, and she finally seemed to snap out her numbness. He felt the desperation in her wordless agony, and wrapped his arms tight around her, pressing her head against his chest and feeling immensely guilty for leaving her in the first place. Ella finally started to sob, silently, barely making a sound. He felt it more than he heard it. He could feel the tears, slowly soaking through his shirt. It worried him, seeing her in this numb state. She always seemed so strong, but she seemed utterly broken now, lost beyond words. Still, she cried as if she barely allowed herself to cry. All silent tears and empty eyes. But all sorrow and hardship had to come out at some point, he knew that as well as anyone. And it seemed Ella had kept hers pent up inside for much too long.

He held her close, gently stroking her arms and back, trying to get the chill out of her. Somewhere deep inside his heart, he was secretly savoring the feeling of a woman in his arms, enjoying her familiar scent. He was starting to grow quite fond of it. Of Ella in general. He tried to push those feelings back, especially now, but being so close to her made it hard to ignore… Seeing this fragile, unguarded side of her that she normally hid so well even magnified this feeling. His heart shattered for her, and intrinsically he wanted to do nothing else than to make her feel better. But right now, he had no idea how to console her, or even get through to her.

\------------

Ville was being so sweet, trying to cheer her up, holding her and rubbing her back. She had finally managed to stop crying, after what seemed like forever, but it was hard to stop the tears from coming. They just kept flowing. Every thought was so fucking painful, she just didn't understand why it had to happen. Why her mum again? It seemed cruel and unfair that the same disease had to hit her twice. Had to hit her family twice. On this day of all days. What a strange and cruel coincidence. It was almost enough to restore her faith in God, or perhaps Satan, and accept that someone up there obviously had it in for her. It felt like she was falling into a bottomless black hole. She was all too familiar with this black hole, all the feelings of grief and confusion she had tried so hard to push away these last two years had come back in full force. Like she had been pushed leagues back into the blackest period of her life. Like the whole world was crashing down on top of her and no one realized it. Everyone around her kept trying to die, it seemed. 

Ville suddenly spoke, giving her a slight fright.  
  
'So, memories came rushing back?'   
  
Ella realized Ville still had no idea that she’d gotten the hospital call, as she’d begun to call it to herself.

‘This is not about Kevin,’ she managed to say, choking up on the next words she was about to say. It felt physically impossible to get them out. ‘My mum called. News from the hospital. It’s bad.’

Ville stopped moving completely and held his breath for a few seconds. After that he pulled his arms even closer around her, really tight now and sighed deeply, as if it was hurting him as much as it was hurting her.   
  
'Oh love… I’m sorry, I had no idea. I’m so, so sorry.' His voice sounded a bit strained, and Ella knew he was feeling really guilty, although he couldn't have done anything to change the news.  
  
She let out a sob again, and a single tear fell down her cheek, before she managed to stop it and could quickly wipe it away. They both just sat there, in silent contemplation. It was strange, to have Ville there, or to even have someone there, supporting her. Ella usually dealt with the bad stuff on her own. Retreated both physically and mentally. Despite all the sorrow, she really enjoyed the feeling that someone was there for her. Feeling someone's arms around her, Ville's arms, it made her feel somehow safe in all this mess, comforted. She could hide from the cold, harsh world for a while, pretend that everything was alright.

\--------

A while later, Ville loosened his grip on Ella, and finally let her go completely. But she had drifted off into her own thoughts again, not realizing Ville was yawning, the important night taking its toll on him after all. His voice startled her from another current of sad thoughts.  
  
'I'll um...You can stay here tonight. I'll take the couch.'  
  
'No!' It came out louder than she had intended. Already getting up from the bed, Ville gave her a look that told her he wasn't going to argue with her about this now. 'I mean.... Please don't leave just yet. Can you just stay here a while longer?' She carefully asked him, seeing his face soften.   
  
'Of course.' He said. 'But can I get you anything? A glass of water or something like that? Something stronger?'  
  
'Maybe a glass of water.' Ella admitted, and she saw him walk out, almost relieved he was finally able to help her in some way.

\--------  
  
When he came back, she had lain down, flat on her back, staring up at the ceiling. That strange look in her eyes was back and she didn’t react when he sat down next to her. After a few minutes of silence, he lay down as well, facing her, taking one of the hands she had held clutched to her chest. She’d gone off to her own safe place again. Or maybe it was a dark place? He guessed the latter, when after a few minutes a tear rolled from the corner of her eye again. He watched, helplessly, as she blinked once and another tear fell. It hurt him to see this wonderful woman, this… lovely girl, in such pain. Every little problem in his life seemed so trivial compared with what she was dealing with in her life. Here was pain, real sorrow and she dealt with it as bravely as she could. More brave than he had ever been, and suddenly all of the past months’ selfish gloomy behavior seemed utterly stupid to him. Utterly useless even. What was he even bitching about. Life was too precious to keep moping around. Everything put into perspective at once. Lesson learned. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading once again!


	12. She's Blinded By The Fear, Of Life And Death And Everything In Between

Ella woke up the next morning, next to Ville. For a few precious seconds she had no idea why she was in bed with him, but then the horrible truth came flooding back. Her mother. The cancer returning. And she understood again why Ville was still asleep, facing her, his hand extended towards her, as if it was waiting for hers still. She thought back at their conversation a few hours ago, in the middle of the darkest night, a bittersweet memory that would probably stay with her forever and would always serve as a reminder of just how selfless a friendship could be.

\-------

A nightmare about Kevin had woken her up somewhere in the middle of the night, and she had opened her eyes with relief, realizing it was just a dream, only to see another man in front of her. Ville was still holding her hand, but he had fallen asleep as well. She looked at him for a while, studying the delicate form of his face and the steady rhythm of his breathing. Despite this whole situation, it was nice, in a way, to be able to just look at him. It was nice that he was there. She wasn’t used to sharing in her sadness, had dealt with most of the grief for Kevin alone, feeling as if her family just wouldn’t understand. But it was different with Ville. Somehow he seemed emotionally capable to understand what she was going through, even though both his parents were still alive and in good health. And though it was hard to open up, she felt lighter now she had shared this with him. She tried turning on her side but accidentally pulled her hand loose, waking Ville up.

‘Hey, feeling better?’

‘Yes. Feeling much calmer actually.’

He smiled at her and carefully grabbed her hand again. Now she was fully… conscious again, Ella’s initial reaction was to pull her hand away. Ever since Kevin had died, she had been reluctant to even try to be close with someone, and somehow it had turned into an actual dread of physical contact. The occasional friends’ hug here and there was fine, but something as intimate as holding someone’s hand… it was enough to send her into a panic attack sometimes. But somehow, with Ville, after the initial second of panic, her body calmed, and it felt alright. There were no frayed nerves or panic attacks. She remembered the feelings of warmth and comfort from earlier in the evening. She left her hand where it was.

Ella had half expected Ville to fall asleep again within minutes, but to her surprise he was still awake, looking at her intently, searching her face for something. Maybe he was afraid she’d start crying again. Must have freaked him the hell out, to suddenly have a whimpering fool on his hands.

‘Ville, I’m sorry about before. I didn’t mean to be such a nuisance and turn into one big blubbering, sobbing mess.’

‘Don’t worry about it. I can only imagine how shocked you must have been.’

‘Yeah but still… I’m sorry I put you through that, I know it’s definitely not what you signed up for.’

‘Sweetheart… When will you learn that I _did_ sign up for it? There’s no need to ever apologize for feeling the way you do and letting it show.’

Ella smiled, grateful, and felt tears well up in her eyes again. Ville gave her hand a little squeeze, seeing she had trouble accepting his love. She was tensing up again, retreating from him again. Ella didn’t want him to see her cry _again._

‘I’m here for you, ok? Whatever you need. Just… let me try to help you.’

‘I…’ She paused, unable to continue for a while. It was hard telling someone things as private as this, or even just admitting them to herself, ‘I don’t know if I can. I deal with stuff alone. Have always. I mean… Growing up as the oldest of 5 kids… There’s just not enough emotional capacity in most parents to care for all of them at once. I learned pretty quickly to stop crying and suck things up…’

‘Wall them up inside.’

‘Exactly.’

‘Even after Kevin died?’

‘Yes… The only one who was ever really there for me on that kind of emotional level was Kevin… And Sam. But mostly Kevin. And well, once he was gone.’

Ella could see the understanding in Ville’s eyes, and knew that he understood how it had felt to lose Kevin. All that loving trust, the safety, suddenly gone.

‘It’s hard to let someone in again, isn’t it?’ He asked.   
  
She couldn’t respond, for fears she would start to cry, once again.

\--------

Ella carefully got up from the bed, surprised that all night, neither of them had bothered to even crawl underneath the duvet. A small luck now, she guessed, since Ville didn’t even stir when she got up and tiptoed away to the bathroom. She washed up and stared at herself in the mirror for a while, surprised at the blank face staring back at her. Thank God she looked calmer than she felt. Nothing from last night’s shock was visible on her face, except for her eyes being a little puffy still.

She had a few more hours to herself, Ville sleeping in. Hours she spent basically just staring out the window after she found out, much to her joy, that she could sit in the broad windowsill in the livingroom quite comfortably. She sat there, watching the street below. Watching the world casually wake up was enough to get her thoughts composed a bit more, and by 9 o’clock, she almost felt like her usual self again. She’d been texting her mother as well, as soon as she had woken up. Noticing how practical and down to earth her mother was dealing with the news, Ella realized things might not be as bad as they seemed. Things always looked much more optimistic in the daylight.

Though she wasn’t very hungry, Ella had enough presence of mind to check if there was _any_ breakfast in the house, remembering just in time that only a week ago, it had completely slipped Ville’s mind as well to get some stuff for breakfast. She had the feeling he usually skipped breakfast. And sure enough, Ella found nothing but some very stale bread, noodles, one egg and an apple the birds wouldn’t even peck at anymore.

\-----------

Ville was slightly surprised, to say the least, when he woke up and realized Ella was nowhere to be found. He tried calling her cellphone, only to hear a faint ringing coming from outside the door, quickly followed by a key turning in the lock.

Sure enough, a few seconds later, the door opened, revealing Ella with two cups of coffee, his key and a brown paper bag of, what he supposed were some fresh buns, clenched between her teeth. It finally dawned upon him. Breakfast.

‘Shit,’ he said, slapping himself in the forehead, ‘I forgot again, didn’t I…’

Ellla just grinned and nodded, still holding the paper bag between her teeth. Her hair was tied back in a casual ponytail, and despite crying half of the night, she looked fresh-faced and young. Almost painfully young, without any makeup, and it conflicted with something in his heart. Ville quickly went over and helped her, taking the coffee from her hands. The smell of fresh, warm bread and coffee greeted him, made his mouth water.

‘Ella, you’re a saint.’

‘I know.’ She smugly replied, dropping the key back in his other hand before heading over to the kitchen. It felt good to go back to daily life, pretend everything was normal.

\--------

After breakfast she had moved back to the windowsill, while Ville went for a shower. He came out 15 minutes later, without his usual beanie, hair still wet and slicked back. Her heart skipped a beat upon seeing him like that. It just did something to her heart, no matter how wrong it was to be feeling like that on days like these. But she pushed the feeling aside, shyly glancing away knowing it would only make things harder if she started having feelings for him. He was walking up to her, and she bravely turned her face away from the window, forcing a smile.  
'You ok?' He asked, studying her.  
  
'Fine.' She simply replied, and looked out the window, still smiling absent-mindedly. She knew he was still standing there, scrutinizing her and she didn’t want to worry him.

He finally walked off to the bedroom again, only to return moments later with cigarette in his mouth and his phone in his hand, obviously texting someone

‘I should head back soon…’

‘You’re welcome to stay a while longer. The rest of the guys and Seppo will be here soon. Their plane landed at 9 so they should be here any moment now.’ He took a puff from the cigarette and breathed out, while Ella looked at the clock, and saw it was half past 10 already.

‘Shit. I totally forgot about that… How are they getting here? Is someone picking them up?’

‘Management arranged a rental car. Thankfully I’m the only one without a drivers’ license.

'Fuck, not even a limousine?' She pretended to be shocked. 'What the hell am I even doing here, you call yourself rockstars?!' She giggled and saw in Ville's face that he was glad she was already joking again.  
  
'So you're ready to start recording already?' Ella asked after another moment, while climbing down from the window-sill.  
  
'No... Not even close.' Ville showed her some sort of shocked face and continued talking and smoking. 'First we have to finish the final arrangements, practice, change some final things, and then we'll start recording. _Initial_ recordings. Which we’ll fuck up dozens of times. So if you were hoping on getting rid of me anytime soon... Too bad.'  
  
'I'm not. You know that.' She playfully said, hitting Ville's arm playfully. He reciprocated the gesture, and general slapping around ensued, until he pinched his cigarette between his lips, leaping forward to try and grab her, to stop her hands from fluttering around. They were both laughing hysterically, but still Ella could hear the other men from the band approach the door, and they both backed off suddenly. Ville cleared his throat and immediately released her, to open the door and greet his close friends. It suddenly felt childish how they had just been behaving, and he almost seemed ashamed.  
  
It made Ella feel a bit uncomfortable, seeing how happy they all were to see eachother again and how natural it all came to them, hugging, slapping eachother on the back, loud laughter and smiles. It made her feel like a hanger-on, an intruder. They would probably think it was pretty weird, that she was hanging out here on Sundaymorning. What _was_ she even doing here…? But soon the guys spotted her, clearly remembering her, and treated her to hugs and smiles as well, as if they’d known eachother for years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	13. I See Through The Darkness My Way Back Home

Despite the fun Ella was having, just talking to everyone again, she realized she had to go home, and be with her family. Being with Ville had taken her mind off of things, but she needed to be there, be there for them. Her mum had been calm the night before and that morning, but she had no idea how her siblings were coping. Simone and Hanna were probably falling apart… Besides… Ella realized she wasn’t only a big sister. She was still a daughter herself as well. She desperately wanted to go home, and give her mother a hug. Be held by her, be told it would be alright. It was Sunday, and the train would only leave once on the hour, so she couldn't stay too long. If she hurried she could still make the 11.15 train and be home by noon.   
  
Ella walked away from all the noisy Finnish conversation, to gather some of her things and put them in her backpack again. But before she could come very far, one of the guys yelled, asking where she was going. She thought it was Gas, but she wasn’t exactly sure, and when she turned around they were all looking at her, her cheeks warming for getting so much attention suddenly, caught when she was quietly sneaking off.   
Because she didn't know who had asked, she just answered, looking at them one by one. 

'I should get home soon…’

‘So soon already?’ Gas asked, so it had been him.

‘Yeah… sorry. I should really catch the 11.15 train.'

'You're here by train?' Burton asked.

'Yes. My brother borrowed my car for the weekend. If I don't get on that train I'll have to wait for another hour. '

'Can't you just take your time and stay another hour? We don't mind, if that’s what you’re worried about.' Gas winked , causing her to laugh a bit. 

'No. I uh… have some things to take care of back home. If it were only 30 minutes I would just wait for the next train, but an hour is a bit too long. Which means that I now _really_ have to go and get my stuff, because I should have already left if I want to make it in time.'

Ella walked away, but again they stopped her. 

'Well I could drive you home.’ This time it was Mige who had spoken. ‘I really don't mind. That way I could see a bit of this lovely country, at least the things outside this building and the 50 feet surrounding it.'   
Ella just sighed, giving up, and accepted the offer, knowing that if she said no they would only try to persuade her, in which case she would have missed the train anyway.

‘Well, if you’re sure it’s not a problem…’

‘Not at all. I’d be happy to give you a ride.’ 

\---------  
  
Not much later she found herself being driven home by Mige, who was cursing in Finnish because he didn't like the way the car accelerated. Ville, who was sitting next to him, laughed every now and then when the car jumped, while Ella just listened to their weird language and told Mige which way to go.   
Ville had insisted on joining, wanting to see where she lived. While driving home she told them random things about her childhood whenever something she saw reminded her of a story. They all laughed and joked, and before Ella knew it, they were already driving on the road that led to her house. It got silent in the car as they turned into the narrow drive to her house, surrounded by old trees, only now getting their first spring blossoms.   
  
Mige parked the car, and together they just sat looking at the house for a while from inside the car. It made Ella look at her home with new eyes again as well. The house was actually an, old cottage. It was old, damp and rather cramped with so many people living there, but Ella loved it’s nostalgic charm and the green surroundings. All these little touches like the trademark blue shutters, all the added little crooks and nannies, chimneys, sheds and flowerbeds added to its charm.

‘Old house?’ Mige asked, looking at the cottage as well.

‘Quite. For as far as we know it was first built somewhere at the start of the 20th century. But of course, things were added, torn down and rebuilt again all through the century. The main part is old though, you can still see the old walls there,’ she pointed at the longer side of what was actually the kitchen, ‘the upper floor and attic were added much later, as well, at the little lean-to to the side there.’

‘It’s a gorgeous place to live.’

Ella smiled. ‘I know. That’s why I’m slightly reluctant to move out again, though I should really find my own place soon.’

She pointed out the pond and stables to the two men, and the small forest that encased the house from one side.

'Aren't you ever scared at night, living in the middle of the forest, where everything is so dark outside. Not to mention your house would also be perfect for a horror movie. The old witch’s house.' This, coming from Ville, of course. Right at that moment, a sudden gust of wind banged a loose shutter against the wall nearest them, causing all three of them to laugh.   
  
'Not really. It’s not as hidden as you’d think, the road back runs right behind those trees there. But when I'm home alone at night, and the moon is hidden behind clouds so you can't see a thing, I tend to get a bit scared. Especially because of the old house. You start to imagine all sorts of things. And on top of that, an old village tale does claim the forest is actually haunted. So it can be a bit spooky.'

She saw her sister looking out curiously from one of the kitchen windows at the car in the driveway, and decided she should get out before they drew even more attention. Of course, the sociable thing was to ask the men in, but with the current situation it might be a bit… tense.   
  
‘Well, thanks for dropping me off guys. Do you want to… come in for a drink or something?’

Ville caught her eye in the mirror and thankfully caught her intention as well, saving her.

'No. I think we should get going.' Ville gauged Mige’s reaction. 'Give Mige some time to unpack as well. And before we find the way out of here...' He added, with a slight chuckle.   
  
Ella laughed. 'I’ll draw you a quick map, don’t worry.’ She looked for pen and paper in her bag, ‘it’s fairly simple though.’   
She quickly drew a makeshift map, handing the paper over to Ville.

‘Here, navigator. If you get lost now you're both just plain stupid.

'Gee thanks for the trust,’ he looked at the map, while Mige turned around in his seat.

‘When will you come hang out with us again?’

'Next weekend? I don't have any solid plans so far.'

‘That’s settled then.’ 

\---------------  
  
‘Hey Hanna,’ Ella said, when she found her sister still at the kitchen window when she came in. 

‘Hiya sis.’

‘Where’s everyone?’

‘Mum and dad are out on some errand, Tim is with his girlfriend and Tobias and Simone went out together, don’t know where.’

Ella couldn’t believe they’d left Hanna all alone. Come to think of it, she was guilty of that herself too. Hanna showed her a tired smile, and gestured to the window, ‘so those are the friends you’ve been hanging out with lately?’

‘Yeah.’

‘They look… odd.’

Ella just smiled at that. They surely would, to Hanna. Her youngest sister was only 16 years old and still very much a young girl. Compared to her other younger sister, Simone, Hanna was a rather sheltered, introverted girl. There wasn’t a bad bone in her body and Ella always felt very protective of her. It was Hanna Ella had been the most worried about, and wanted to get home to. Hanna’s eyes were as red-rimmed as Ella’s felt, so Ella knew she’d been crying as well.  
  
‘How are you holding up, Hanna?’

Hanna just shrugged, avoiding Ells' eyes and turning away from her. Going over to Schatzi, their dog, who was sleeping underneath the kitchen table. She petted him a few times and tutted at him to get up, before she made her way to the door, giving Ella the cold shoulder. Ella guessed she deserved that.

‘I’m going to the stables.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a filler, sorry about that. More Ville in the next chapter, I promise!


	14. Your Home Is Where The Dark Is

Since no else was at home, Ella felt a bit lost. She dropped her stuff off in her bedroom and then went back down to put her dirty clothes in the wash. The washing machine was still full, so she hung whatever was inside up to dry. Once that was done, she went back to clean the general mess in the kitchen and livingroom. As usual, dirty cups and plates littered every table in the house. Honestly, if she thought Ville was messy sometimes… She cleared away the dishes, but felt kind of lost after that. Hanna was still outside, and Ella decided to head out as well. It was a pretty nice day out, after all. She almost automatically found herself walking through the forest, eventually ending up at the old treehouse. She clambered up the steps and a few branches, through the hole in the floor, till she was at her familiar seat. She could see Hanna in the distance, caring for her horse, Schatzi at her side as always. She had always been drawn to animals, and it was a small comfort to Ella that Hanna probably found more comfort with her animals than with her family at the moment. She rested her back against the trunk, and for a second her thoughts flew back to that early morning back in February, when she had just met Ville. She’d gone here back then too, to sit and think. He had been such a comfort to her the previous night. But she didn’t want to think about it too much, because her thoughts inevitably made their way back to the bad news from the night before, and without Ville’s presence, she realized she was quickly falling apart with worry again. How did he become so important to her, so suddenly?

\----------

‘Young man, focus please.’

Shit. Caught. ‘Sorry Seppo. My mind was elsewhere for a moment.’

‘We’ve noticed. With the girl?’ Seppo stared intently at Ville, but seemingly without judgment. They were discussing the following weeks, along with the rest of the band. The general schedule, allotted time for recording and mixing. Things were getting serious now, and Ville really needed to focus. His mind just kept drifting back to Ella, hoping she was ok.

‘Yeah… Ella had some really bad news this weekend. I’m worried about her.’

‘Thought something was off,’ Mige mumbled, next to him, ‘she was a bit gloomy on the ride back.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that, but can we please focus for a moment. I’ve got to fly back to Helsinki tomorrow morning and I’d like to at least get this sorted.’

Ville and Mige nodded their agreement, and the meeting went on, Ville doing his best to focus, though he couldn’t stop checking his phone. Apparently, Mige had noticed, because as soon as the meeting broke up, and the rest of the guys sauntered off and Ville went to check his phone once again for messages, Mige placed his hand over the phone.

‘Hermanni. I get that you’re worried. But stop checking your phone all the damn time, she’ll call if she needs you,’ as an afterthought he added, ‘or is there something else going on between the two of you?’

Was there? Ville felt an uncomfortable sensation in the pit of his stomach. His mind was torn, and he realized he couldn’t possibly give Mige a straight, truthful answer.

‘I… No.’

‘No… But there’s something there?’

Ville just shrugged, after which Mige continued. ‘She’s hardly your type, is she?’

That much was true. Ville usually fell for darkhaired ladies. Ella with her blonde hair and grey eyes was the exact opposite. But those eyes. He couldn’t stop trying to catch those eyes. Expressive, wonderfully, ever-changing grey, in that thoughtful little face of hers. That perky little nose. Her perfect lips.

‘And young too.’

That was also true, unfortunately. She was quite a bit younger than he was, though you wouldn’t know it, by her behavior. If anything, he was much more childish and immature than she was. But that didn’t change the fact that there was an age difference, and he realized he was reluctant to even think about it. What would people think. What was _he_ even thinking. He was nowhere near being over Noora, nowhere near being ready to be in a relationship again. But nowhere near being ready to fall in love again…?

‘Honestly Mikko, let it go.’

‘Fine, fine,’ Mige put up both his palms, to indicate he was backing off, ‘just saying, I wouldn’t blame you if there was something there…’

\------------

Ella’s week went by quickly, despite everything. She worked her shifts in the retirement home during most of the week, met up with her own band for some final rehearsals and accompanied her mother to the hospital again on Tuesday, to get some more tests done. All the while, she was in daily contact with Ville, mostly by text. It was nice, getting updates from him about the work they were doing in the studio. Trivial stuff. It kept her mind of off things, providing much needed distraction. Especially on Friday, when they were expecting the final test results back. Ella had taken the day off, knowing she wouldn’t be much use to her colleagues or residents with her jittery nerves. Ville didn’t seem to feel in the working mood either. He called early Friday morning already, to wish her and her family good luck. It annoyed Ella that Ville noticed she was almost crying while talking to him. The man could just see right through her, it seemed. Or hear right through her, in this case. She wasn’t used to people around her being so intuitive to her feelings.   
‘God… I wish I just… didn’t have to go through these last hours… Can I just… skip half this day?’

‘Do you know when they’ll call?’

‘Around 5, they said, end of the day. So that’s a whole fucking day of worrying myself senseless.’   
  
‘Shit that’s a long wait…’ She heard him either sigh or puff on a cigarette, she was guessing the latter, ‘if it’s any consolation, I’m feeling almighty restless too. Don’t feel like doing _anything_ in the studio today.’

‘Oh shame on you. You should get your ass to work Mr. Valo. I want to hear some results when I come visit tomorrow…’

\------------

After Ville’s phonecall, she hung around the house for a while. But since it was an important, scary day, most of her family was home too, crowding the house. Though Tim was at university, her parents were both home from work. As well as both her sisters, home from school. Even Tobias, her brother, was there, currently yelling at her father. It seemed those two were always fighting with eachother these days, over the stupidest little things. While her mother had been quiet and withdrawn all week. The worry and dread kicking in after all, after her first bout of optimism.   
Ella went to the livingroom, but found no rest there either, with Hanna and Simone playing games with Schatzi, lots of barking included. She fled outside with a book, to go sit outside in the treehouse and read a bit, for as far as she could focus. At least outside it would be quiet.  
She was still lounging there, enjoying the fresh breeze and the sights of the windswept clouds, when she heard familiar voices. More importantly, Finnish voices. And they were making their way through the forest, apparently looking for her. She nearly fell from the treehouse, looking around to see if she was right. And sure enough, there they were.  
  
Two familiar figures. Burton and Ville. Shit. What on earth were _they_ doing there? When they were near enough, Ella whistled, causing them to look up.

‘ _Saatana…_ ’ Burton muttered, ‘what the hell are you doing up there?’

‘Just… chilling.’ Ella responded. Burton looked genuinely surprised, while Ville just snickered. He’d heard about het tree climbing habits before.

‘'Now the real question is: What the hell are you two doing here?'  
  
'Picking you up so we could whisk you away,’ Ville said, before shrugging, ‘really didn’t feel like being stuck in the studio all day either, with Gas banging away at the drums.’   
  
'We met your mother.' Burton said. 'We left Mige with her.'

Ella stopped dead in her tracks as she clambered down from the treehouse.  
  
'Oh crap... Now she will start thinking _he_ is my boyfriend or something.' She looked at Ville and Burton. 'Or worse...'  
  
'How nice of you.' Ville said sarcastically, but it was mostly lost on Ella, who was already stomping back toward the house.

\-----------

She opened the kitchen door and walked in, being followed directly by Burton and Ville. Her mother looked at Mige first, and then at Burton and Ville, barely able to hide the smile from her eyes. Simone just sat there snickering at the table, grinning at the three men.

‘ _Also… Wer ist es_? (So, which one is it?)’ Her mother naturally reverted back to German, much to Ella’s annoyance. She was perfectly capable of speaking English, and had obviously been speaking to Mige before, because he was happily nurturing a cup of coffee.

‘ _Hör auf, bitte. Keines von denen._ (Stop it, please. Neither of them).’

Now her sister chimed in as well, still giggling. ‘ _Aber natürlich… Der da drüben sieht doch gut aus…_ (Yeah right… But that one over there is cute though…)’ She nodded towards Ville, who just smiled and nodded at her.

_‘Du hättest es mich sagen können, das deine neue Freunde männliche Freunde sind_. (You could have told us your new friends were male friends).’ Her mother added, with a snicker.

‘ _Nein. Weil ich wusste das dies ihre Reaktion wird sein…_ (No, because I knew this would be your exact reaction).’

Thankfully the guys’ German knowledge seemed to be truly non-existent. Ella guessed she had to be grateful for the fact her mother and sister at least had the decency to discuss this in a language the guys didn’t understand. She then turned her attention to the three men again, and spoke in English with them for a while. Her sister soon trailed off, apparently now the interesting part was over. Her mother trailed after Simone, yelling something after her about clearing away her laundry.

Ella just sat down and put her head in her hands and let out a big sigh, relieved the whole scene was over.

'What?' Mige asked.   
  
'Just...mothers...you know? She now suspects me to have sex with at least one of you.'   
  
They all laughed and Ville patted her back. 'You're not the only one. Do you know what was the first thing my mother said when I told her the other day that there was a local girl keeping me company?'   
Ella nodded no and he continued. 'Be sure to use a condom Ville! Ask your dad, he can give you some for free next time you visit!' He tried copying a shrill womanly voice, and ended with an almighty sneeze, causing Ella and the guys to laugh even harder.

‘Sorry, allergies.’

Ella threw a guilty look at Schatzi, sleeping underneath the kitchen table as usual. She had forgotten all about Ville’s allergies.   
  
'But now we have to get going. So go get the stuff you need to bring for the day and tomorrow.' Mige said, with an extremely excited look on his face.  
  
'What? Why? Where are we going?' She asked, already feeling a bit suspicious.   
  
'It's a surprise.' Burton finally said, while Ville finally added. 'We figured you deserved some distraction today.'  
  
A smile crept over her face. 'Really? That's seriously so goddamn sweet.' Ella couldn’t believe they would actually do something like that for her. After a bit more urging she went to pack her bag, after pouring a cup of coffee for both Burton and Ville as well.   
When she came downstairs again, her father was making smalltalk with the men, in his hacksaw English. Thankfully he was a lot less shady about the visitors than her mother and sister had been, and he was stumbling his way through a genuine conversation in half German-half English. It was safe to leave him there, while Ella went to find her mother, urging her to give her a call right away as soon as she heard from the hospital.

\-----------

‘So, where are we going?’ Ella asked, when they’d finally made it back to the car.

‘I was walking around the city center the other day, and saw some sort of… funfair going on. I’m not too big on heights actually, but I figured it would be a nice distraction to walk around for a bit and go on some of the rides.’ Ville explained, as both he and Mige turned to her from the frontseat.   
Ella could do nothing but beam back at them and Burton at her side. She loved funfairs, and hadn’t actually been to one in much too long.

‘So you like the idea?' Ville carefully asked.  
  
'Of course!' She almost yelled, still smiling. 'I love it. And honestly, this is the sweetest thing anyone has done for me in the longest time.'

Mige turned around again and started the engine. He drove off, asking the directions at every crossroad.   
  
'Dude, do you remember nothing from driving back last time? Just… read the damn signs!' Ella finally yelled, after 10 minutes. But still, Mige just smiled and shrugged and managed to drive in the wrong direction even after that, despite her directions.

'Fuck it. Pull over, let me drive. Otherwise we still won't be there 2 hours from now.'

Mige and Ella switched seats, Ella making sure everyone had their seatbelt buckled before she drove off. She was nothing if not safe. Just imagine she’d crash the car and accidentally kill off a good portion of her favorite band. She drove off, in the right direction this time. They soon arrived in the city again, and Ella swiftly made her way over to the city centre. She noticed how Ville occasionally grabbed onto the dashboard whenever she made a sharp turn.

‘You ok?’

‘Yeah fine,’ he let go again, self-conscious, ‘guess I’m used to Mige driving like an old lady.’

‘Hey!’ They heard from the backseat, and everyone laughed again, Mige included, ‘I do think you might be a better driver than I am.’

‘No shit.’ Burton added.

‘Love me a woman who can drive though,’ Mige concluded, ‘you can drive me around any day Ella.’

Next to her, Ville rolled his eyes, muttering ‘suck up’, under his breath, but Ella couldn’t help but notice he was also smiling. It was going to be a fun afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and thank you for kudos! Keeps a girl motivated :)


	15. It's Strange What Desire Will Make Foolish People Do

Once they’d arrived, Ella parked the car, and they all walked towards the funfair, which was already in sight. Mige and Ville trotted off as soon as they saw the flashing neon lights, while Ella stayed behind with Burton a bit.

‘Didn’t Linde want to join?’ Ella asked, ‘I know that Gas is recording drums, but doesn’t Linde want to be here?’

‘He’s not really into these kind of things.’ Burton explained. Which made sense to Ella, in a way. Linde was one of the calmest, laid-back people she had ever met. A spiritual guru, as Ville jokingly called him. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t imagine him on a rollercoaster… Meanwhile, Ville and Mige had put a good distance between her and Burton and themselves.

‘Look at the idiots.' She muttered. 'They're almost running to get there.'  
  
Burton chuckled. 'Yeah. Sometimes it’s like those two never grew up. And that insane, nerdy bantering they can both do, especially during interviews. Honest to God, they drive the rest of us insane sometimes. Thank god I'm more mature, right?' He winked, and they both laughed, finally reaching the first rides and booths as well.

\-----------

The afternoon was the most fun Ella had had in a long time. They ate apfelstrudel, cotton candy, and went on enough thrill rides to feel nauseous. Ella had such a good time, with her three men in tow. They probably made quite the sight. One guy extremely hairy and unkempt, looking a bit like a caveman. Another with long hair and a bit of a shady moustache and sunglasses, and the third extremely skinny, decked out for full-blown wintertime with his beanie and gloves, and well… extremely gorgeous? And all of them babbling in some alien language most people never heard of. To Ella, just looking at them in this foreign environment was one of the best parts of the whole afternoon.

\-----------

‘I’m sitting this one out guys.’ Ville said, slightly hunched over. Mige, Burton and Ella were getting ready to go on yet another deathtrap, but he’d had enough for a while. Being smashed to and fro and tossed upside down and upright again wasn’t really one of his hobbies, but it was fun for once. Last time he’d gone to one of these fun fairs was probably when he was still a teenager. It certainly was a different experience, as a slightly _less_ fearless adult.  
He watched the thrill ride his friends were currently one. Some sort of giant arm with 5 rows of seats suspended beneath it in a sort of general star-shape, the seats turning in all directions until the people were upside down in the weirdest angles, while the arm swung around. Definitely not his thing. He could just make out some blonde hair flying every now and then. He was glad Ella seemed to be having fun,. He’d been worried about her all week, and she had sounded so dejected in the morning that he knew he just had to do something. The afternoon of fun seemed to be working, because she looked exuberant when she, Mige and Burton joined him again after a few minutes.

‘God that was scary.’ She exclaimed, but he could see the sparkle of fun still in her eyes. All bright-eyed, red-cheeked and tousled hair.  
  
‘How about… that one next?’ She turned to him, ‘think you’re up for that one, old man?’

He watched where she pointed and saw a huge swing carrousel suspended about 200 feet up in the air. Just great. He hadn’t been planning on going on that ride either, because of well… heights. But old man? Ouch, that one kinda hurt.

‘Challenge accepted.’

\-------------

Ella watched with expectation as Ville clambered into the seat next to her, Mige and Burton taking the seat behind them. Before they knew it, they were about 200 feet high, suspended above the city with clear views. Ville’s leg touched Ella’s, and for a moment she felt really warm and hyper aware of it. _What the hell was going on._ It was probably just adrenalin, but her cheeks flushed. Meanwhile, Ville was fully focused on some point high above the horizon, never averting his eyes. The carrousel started spinning, slowly at first, but soon faster and faster.

‘Are you alright?’ Ella asked him, placing a hand upon his leg to get his attention. He finally dared to turn towards her.

‘Yeah… All good. Just don’t ever do this to me again.’

He was only joking, but there was still some pure fear in his eyes. The poor man. Whatever had she done to him.  
Ella watched the sky above and the city beneath her, as they turned round and round and round. Finally she burst out into pure laughter, as they reached full speed, the wind sweeping her hair back and the feeling of actually flying being totally overwhelming. It was a truly marvelous sensation, and despite his fear, seeing her joy, Ville had to laugh too. Once the initial rush of things died down, Ella started pointing out the different landmarks she recognized. It was amazing to see the city from so high up.

‘And that….’ She had to pause everytime they turned around and lost sight of what she was pointing out, ‘over there,’ pause again, ‘is my hometown.’   
  
‘Rheinturm, the tower, over there, of course,’ she continued, pausing for a moment, gaining her bearings, ‘and right about there,’ she said, as she leaned over, ‘that’s right about where the studio is.

Ville watched where she pointed, but was soon focusing on Ella more than on the city below him. 

‘It’s marvelous to see, isn’t it?’ She said, not quite realizing he was looking at her and not at the city below.

‘Yes, it really is. Gorgeous.’

\---------------

Once they were all back with both feet firmly on the ground, Ella was still exhilarated. She had been completely happy for a moment, and would be forever grateful for the distraction this afternoon had provided her. She could see the men were getting tired though, and to be fair, her feet and back were hurting as well. They all went for a drink in one of the biergartens, the drinking areas, surrounding the funfair, Ella opting for a coke, offering to be the designated driver once again. The guys all promptly ordered a half liter of beer, which they drank surprisingly quickly. Must be the Finnish heritage.

Ella drove them all back to the studio afterwards, everyone generally in a good, but tired mood. Once there, everyone gathered in the living room of Ville’s apartment. It had become the unofficial gathering place, even though the guys all had their own little apartments on the same floor, with the studio being conveniently located two floors down. Gas and Linde soon joined too, and all the men were mostly talking in Finnish, as Ella watched on, nursing a cup of tea. From the looks and sounds of it, Gas was explaining something he had recorded today, because he kept vocally imitating the drum sequences he did. She didn’t mind not being included in the conversation, she loved hearing their language, loved seeing them so relaxed amongst themselves, and she loved seeing them so passionate about their music. Some day soon, she’d ask Ville if she could watch them work in the studio for a few hours. What a treat that would be.

Unfortunately, her next thoughts were interrupted, by the sound of her phone ringing. She hadn’t even realized it was nearing 5 PM, the shrill sound of her phone bringing her back to reality. Her father calling. It dawned upon her that it might really be bad news, especially if he was calling and not her mother, so she made her way to Ville’s bedroom, to get some privacy. Ville just gave her a small nod as she walked past him, and even that small gesture made her feel better. Whatever the news, she could handle this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	16. With The Venomous Kiss You Gave Me

The door to the bedroom opened softly, and Ville peered in, carefully.

‘Ella?’   
  
She was sitting on the end of the bed, in silence, looking out the window, phone at her side.

‘Are you ok?’

She finally turned to him, while he made his way inside, softly closing the door to the bedroom. Behind him, in the livingroom, the other men seemed silent as well, except for some quiet mutterings. They must all have been listening, not actually to her, she didn’t get that impression, but just listening _for_ her, watching out for her. They must have taken her silence and subsequent failure to come back into the livingroom as a sign of sadness.

‘Yeah… I’m ok, actually.’   
  
‘Bad news?’

‘No… Not necessarily. I mean… It is cancer, what we all suspected. But it’s stage two. It’s treatable. Thank God it’s treatable.’

Ville seemed to have a bit of trouble realizing how this was actually good news, but Ella had been expecting the worst news possible.

‘Stage 4 would have been bad, basically untreatable. Stage 2 means it’s not metastised, not spread out yet. I’m so goddamn happy Ville…’ She desperately wanted to get up and close the distance between them, hugging him, but something held her back. ‘It’s actually treatable… She’s gonna need surgery and a lot of chemo, but they think she’ll be alright...’

‘Oh love I’m so happy for you…’ Ville did what she herself couldn’t do, and pulled her up into a hug, one of the tightest hugs she ever had. He actually went as far as slightly lifting her off the ground, turning her around.

‘Stop it, you moron!’ She called out, ‘you’ll break your back like this.’

He chuckled at that. ‘Don’t do yourself the discredit darling… My back will be fine.’

Ella laughed too, and blushed intensely, suddenly realizing how close he still held her. She got loose from his arms and hid her cheeks in her hands, making it seem as if she was still so shocked she still couldn’t believe the news. While in all actuality, the feeling of his body so close to hers made her feel things she realized she shouldn’t be feeling… What was she even thinking?! Her heart was suddenly thudding in her chest, cheeks aflame.

‘Well… Should we celebrate the good news then…? Ville asked, still slightly in doubt as to whether or not a confirmed cancer diagnosis could actually be cause for celebration. But it was to Ella. She had _really_ been expecting the worst, a death sentence.

‘Yes. This calls for a celebration!’

\-----------

Not much later she found herself being dragged to the nearby liquor store by Ville yet again. Within weeks, she had quickly learned that with Ville, there was always an excuse for alcohol. Mige had also joined, and between the two rather tall men, she had trouble keeping up with their long strides. Ville had noticed, and had linked arms with her, more or less dragging her along, at their tempo. Once they were inside the liquor store, Mige disappeared to the wine section, while Ville browsed the hard liquor section, with Ella in tow. She watched in amazement as he put several bottles of hard liquor into the shopping basket.

‘Wild plans Mr. Valo?’

‘Yeah…’ He turned to her, before picking up another bottle of Jägermeister. ‘It’s been such a fun afternoon. I think it just deserved a good night of celebration to end things. Just get everyone shitfaced and have a good time.’

‘Just because I had some relatively good news?’

‘Either to forget about bad news, or celebrate good news.’

‘So this was happening either way?’

He seemed to think about it for a moment. ‘Yeah…kind of. But we can pull it off. It’s Friday night. We’re in a rockband, etcetera etcetera…’

'You're nuts.' She simply stated.  
  
'Well, generally speaking, so are you. Birds of a feather flock together.' He threw back at her. 'Guess we make a great couple then.'   
He winked and turned around again, moving on, like that last bit meant nothing. Well, to him it probably _did_ mean nothing. She was only reading into things. But Ella found she had to move around the corner and peruse a different aisle for a moment, to regain her composure after that last comment. When she had turned the corner again, she saw Ville had joined Mige at the wine section, and was overtly struggling with his heavy shopping basket. She picked up another basket from the entrance and joined the two men again again. Upon seeing her and her empty basket, Ville put two bottles of her favorite red wine in her basket, the one she had pointed out to him last time.

‘You remembered.’

‘Of course I did love.’ He said, winking at her, before scurrying off again. ‘Oh, almost forgot to pay Mr. Daniels a visit.’

Someone was bound to end up in A&E tonight with alcohol poisoning…

\-----------

‘Here, for you.’

Ella looked up as Linde sat down on the couch next to her, and handed her a beer.   
  
‘I figured none of those geezers over there would remember bringing the lady a beer.’ He said, making her laugh right as she was taking her first sip of beer, so she almost sputtered it all out again.

They sat in relative silence for a while, watching and listening to the other guys, who were standing around near the kitchen area, chatting in Finnish.

‘I’m happy you got good news.’ Linde said, ‘or at least as good as could be expected.’

‘Thanks, ‘ Ella said, taking another sip.

‘No really. We were all worried about you. Ville most of all. But really, all of us. It has been great having you around, I’d hate to see you sad.’

‘Thanks Linde, I really appreciate that,’ Ella said, and she really meant it. She often wondered if she was imposing on the guys, but they honestly seemed to like having her around.

‘How were Maija and Olivia?’ She asked, remembering her had disappeared briefly earlier on in the evening to call his girlfriend and daughter.

‘Great. But I already miss them both like crazy.’ He also took a long drink from his beer, before adding, ‘that’s partially also why I didn’t join you guys today. Don’t think I could have handled seeing all these little kids at the funfair.’

‘It must be hard having to leave them behind all the time…’

Linde just shrugged. ‘It’s usually not so bad. Thankfully we don’t tour for months and months on end anymore, always some breaks in between. And with all technology these days…’

Still, she couldn’t imagine having to leave her kid behind. Before they could dwell any further on the subject however, the other guys made their way over to the livingroom area, and they were quickly caught up in general conversation and giddiness.

\-----------

After that first beer and another 3 glasses of wine, Ella was definitely starting to feel the alcohol in her system. Everyone had eventually moved from sitting on the couches, to sitting at the table, playing cards. Everyone had already won a game, only she kept losing. Just her damn luck. She was heading towards another lost game. And 5 minutes later it was over again.  
  
'Fuck this stupid shit.' She yelled, and threw her cards down on the table, all the guys laughing at her sudden competitiveness.  
  
'Let's have a break.' Mige said, and they all just sat there talking and drinking for a while. For some reason or another the conversation shifted from alcohol to other intoxicants, and Ella was quite shocked to hear about the different kinds of drugs the guys had tried. She guessed it came with the territory, the life of being in a relatively well-known rockband. Her own band had only ever been local, a smalltown band, and they had never run into actual rockstar debauchery along the way. She did have a few tricks up her sleeve however…

‘Hold that thought for a second.’ She said, trying to find her purse and rummaging around in one of the backpockets it had. It should still be in there… She got out the little plastic ziplock baggie and threw it right in the middle of the table.   
All the guys heads’ looked down at it and then snapped up again.

‘Well aren’t you full or surprises.’ Mige said, while Ville almost simultaneously spoke.

‘I thought you didn’t smoke…?’

‘Well… Not _cigarettes_ at least.’ She said, smugly. Ville just smiled and looked at her in surprised wonder.

‘So… Would anyone care to join me and have one?’ She asked. There were a few ‘hell yeah’s’, but Gas opted out and Burton seemed to hesitate still.

‘I don’t know… It’s been so long since I’ve smoked. Don’t know if I’m up for it at this ripe old age.’

‘All good, it’s your own choice. Could someone give me their smokes? I need some tobacco.'

Ville gave her his pack of cigarettes, and she quickly ripped two of them open. Luckily, the papers for the blunt were still in her bag as well, and she found an old train ticket as well, ripping up a piece.

‘What are you doing now?' Linde asked, and she noticed they had all been looking in silence.   
  
'Rolling a little tip, to fit at the back, like a filter.'  
  
Ella went on with her work in silence for a while, everyone just watching as she filled the paper with a mixture of tobacco and marihuijana, but began to explain while she deftly rolled the paper into a tight blunt.

‘Don’t get the wrong idea. I don’t really do this often either. Back when... Some time ago I went through a rough patch when Kevin, my then-boyfriend, died. I got it “medicinally” at first, unofficially of course. My wayward little brother hooked me up, actually. To help me relax, take the edge off of things, and the habit stuck. But it’s been ages since I’ve actually smoked. There, done.’

Ella held up the tightly rolled joint. She was quite proud of her work, she still had it in her fingers. Someone handed her a lighter, and she inhaled deeply as she lit the blunt, until it was burning properly. She then handed it over to Burton, who was sitting next to her, and still looked to be in doubt.  
  
'This one is not too heavy.' She said, finally breathing out again, blowing out the smoke, ‘try if you want.’  
  
Burton took the joint and still looked a bit insecure. But that was over as soon as he passed the joint. It passed around the circle for a while, and Ella started rolling a second, because it seemed to go down well. All the men were generally looking very satisfied and relaxed. By the time the second one had become very small, she had a great idea. No doubt fueled by the alcohol and the added relaxant.   
  
'Who here has won the last game of cards? I have a surprise for the winner...'   
  
She knew damn well Ville had won the last game, that was why she was suggesting this. Ville raised his hand and almost had question marks in his eyes.   
  
'What's the surprise?'  
  
'I'm going to give you a shot.'  
  
'A what?'   
  
'It's fun. I don't know how to explain.' She walked over to him. 'But I'm gonna have to sit on your lap, if you don't mind.'  
  
'Of course not love.' She saw Mige grin from across the table and couldn’t help but giggle herself as well, no doubt because of the marijuana she had just smoked. She couldn’t quite believe how quickly all her boundaries seemed to fade, with a bit of drugs in her system. She sat on Ville’s lap, facing him with red cheeks, although she was the only one who knew _that_ wasn’t necessarily due to the booze and marijuana.

'Now I'm going to put the joint in my mouth backwards, so the tip is sticking out. You then have to inhale, and I will cup our faces with my hands. It will get you very, very high.'   
  
'Wait. So the burning part is in your mouth then?' Ville looked utterly shocked.

'Yes.'

‘Is that safe?’

‘Well… no. But it is fun.’

‘Ok.' Ville said, smirking at her.   
  
Ella did as she had explained and placed the joint in her mouth backwards, careful not to burn anything inside her mouth. She held it between between her teeth and lips, and moved closer to Ville's face. Sensing the danger, he sat very still, until Ella’s face was near his. He moved forward very carefully, gently closing his lips around the tip.  
Their lips didn't touch, but the tension and intimacy was enough to make Ella’s heart pound in her chest. She cupped their faces and felt how Ville inhaled deeply a few times, while looking into his green, green eyes. He noticed and looked at her as well, though she could clearly see from his dazed look he was far from really seeing anything at this point, far from sober.  
After a while he finally moved away, throwing his head backwards while releasing a ginormous cloud of smoke from his lungs.

'Fuck that's good stuff... ' was all he could say for a while, while Ella carefully removed the joint from her mouth.   
  
The joint was long enough for another shot, but giving Ville another shot would do him no good. He was just smirking at her with a very happy expression on his face.  
  
'Who else?'   
  
'Pick me pick me!' Mige squealed, and everyone burst out into laughter. He had been looking on in slight jealousy and in very high interest. With aversion Ella got up from Ville's lap and moved over to Mige, who was in obviously in a saucy mood and grabbed her by the hips as she gave him the same kind of shot, almost making her laugh. Of course she didn't enjoy it quite as much as giving Ville a shot, but how could you top that...?

\---------

Looking at the guys a minute later, still from Mige’s lap, Ella saw the effect her “clever idea” had had. They all had little red eyes, and it automatically made her laugh. She knew her longing to laugh was because of the drugs as well, along with the loss of boundaries.. But she were still relatively sober and clear in the head. Mige, for example, was completely wasted already, almost unable to sit up straight as she left him alone and moved towards the bathroom. Finally realizing what she had been missing the whole evening though, she came back into the room moments later. Music.

‘Ville? Do you have any good CD’s here? Or on your laptop? Put some music on.’

‘Sure love. Anything in particular you want to hear?’

‘Nah.’

‘Oh! Ville! Play her the new The 69 Eyes stuff. All the chicks love that.’ Mige interrupted, before she could add anything further. Ella just shrugged and disappeared again, to really go pee this time, but she liked what she was hearing from the livingroom only moments later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a longer chapter to make up for a shorter one last time :)   
> Thanks for reading!


	17. Waiting For The Warmth Of That Tender Storm

'I'm going to give you a shot.' Ella said, smiling at him. He had no idea what she meant. _Shot of what? Shot at...? Is she going to give me a shot to get with her...? What the fuck does that mean?_  
  
'It's fun. I don't know how to explain.' She walked over to him. 'But I'm gonna have to sit on your lap, if you don't mind.' She looked a bit careful, shy, even now.  
  
'Of course not love.' He didn't mind. Not in the least bit…

She gently sat on top of him, and he couldn’t help but notice her eyes were burning almost as much as her cheeks. She was definitely less inhibited like this, and he loved it. Ella explained what she was going to do, and he finally understood and scolded himself for thinking what he had thought it was. Before he could dwell on it she had the last of the blunt pinched between her lips and moved closer to him, very gently. He understood he had to move forward and meet her halfway, very careful not to burn her though. As if he was moving for a kiss. But it was only a near kiss. If only. He carefully grabbed the tip between his lips, and felt Ella softly cup his face moments later. He inhaled a few times and noticed she was looking straight at him, so he did the same. For a while they just stared in eachother's eyes, and with the added effect of the drugs, he found himself lost in the grey of her eyes once again. There was a hint of blue to them tonight, like an ocean he’d like to drown in. Then the weed fully kicked in and he had to let go and sit back, reeling from the reinforced effect the weed had like this. Her eyes now fully turned to swirls of the deepest grey, like stormy windswept skies. But just when he was starting to get really lost, she got up. He nearly groaned with the loss as she moved away, a coldness in his lap and a sharp pang of jealously when she moved on to Mige, giggling, sitting on his lap too, and doing exactly the same to him.

He even regretted it when she left to go to the bathroom after that, and didn’t return to sit on his lap. Suddenly longing to be close to her, to hold onto her like Mige had done, smell her skin and perfume, get lost in those stormy eyes again. He shook the thoughts off, hoping it was simply an alcohol and drug induced side-effect, because he doubted there was anything on Ella’s end of the line… Though he had never seen her with so little inhibitions, there were still too many mixed signals.

\--------

The ceiling was just whirling around. Weird nightmare ceiling. Ella knew she was drunk, way, way too drunk actually. She’d had too much wine, even after smoking that weed. And now she was looking up to the ceiling, trying to make sense of the patterns, only for them to keep moving around. She swallowed away the feeling, hoping it would take away the queasiness with it, sighing deeply and realizing her heart kept on pounding, no matter how deeply she sighed. :Looking for some distraction, she looked to her right to see if Ville was still awake. He was.  
For some reason, she couldn't remember why exactly, she had ended up on the floor with him. She’d dropped down from the couch at some point and had stayed there, and he’d joined a while later. They had been talking for quite a while about several things, but now it had gotten quiet, so she had assumed he had fallen asleep as well. Linde and Gas had already returned to their rooms, and Mige and Burton were passed out, or almost passed out on the couches, muttering things at eachother in Finnish every few minutes or so.  
She looked at the ceiling again and thought for a while, about what a crazy evening it had been, when all of a sudden Ville grabbed her wrist and squeezed, almost hurting her.

‘Ow! What?!’  
  
'I can't get up. Can you get up? I can't get up anymore!'  
  
She laughed and tried to get up. She couldn't. She probably could, but her head was feeling so heavy, her neck couldn’t possibly carry the load. Staying down was just easier, so she just went along with the nonsense they had been talking for a while now already.  
  
'Can't either.' She giggled again. Ville still held on to her wrist, but he loosened his grip a bit.  
  
'Guess we're fucked then.' He also started laughing.  
  
'Yep... We're in deep shit now.'

‘Fucking deep horizontal shit. This shit goes sideways.’  
  
All she could do now was laugh, the whole situation was excessively comedic to her, the way Ville slurred his words most of all, and her whole body shook until she wasn’t able to breathe.  
  
'Now I've had it. I'll go kill myself.' Ville continued, stating it very calmly, but also as inarticulate as she had ever heard him. And he got up, almost falling to the floor again.  
  
'You liar! You could get up!'  
  
Ville looked down at her, thinking for a while as if he had no clue what she meant, and finally he just shrugged.  
  
'Will you please help me up then?' She asked, batting her eyelashes at him innocently, realizing belatedly it probably looked more like having a seizure, in het drunken state. Ville reached for her hand and she grabbed his, nearly pulling him over again because he lost his balance as soon as she tugged. Finally, they were both standing, and Ella pulled Ville into a tight hug.  
  
'Don't kill yourself.'  
  
'Why not? Ville asked, with a very low voice, and the tone told her he was suddenly serious again, maybe remembering his recent hardships.  
  
'Because I say so.'  
  
'Should I listen to you?.'  
  
'Yes.' She sighed.  
  
'Why?'  
  
'Quit being a petulant ass! I care. And I don't want to see yet another friend dead.'  
  
Ville suddenly realized the mistake he had made, because him talking about committing suicide, albeit only jokingly, reminded her of the dead, the death in her life.  
  
'I’m sorry.' He mumbled. 'That was incredibly insensitive. Different subject now.' He started spinning, whirling her around with him, almost making them both fall over again when they bumped into the couch Mige was now sleeping on. He just groaned and waved them away.  
  
'You're drunk.' She laughed.  
  
Ville said nothing at first, still not completely at a stand-still. ‘Well, then so must you be.'

‘Can’t deny that.’ She said, having trouble speaking clearly too.  
  
He pulled himself loose suddenly. 'I'm going to get more wine. Do you want some as well?'  
  
'Sure.' She replied, and watched him reel over to the wine. Deciding it was too much trouble to keep standing, she sat down on the floor again.  
  
When he came back he held the bottle in his hands. 'Couldn't find my glass anymore. No clue where yours is either. But you're ok with sharing a bottle, right?'

‘Sure. I assume we’re both disease free.’

Ville just took a few sips, shrugged, and handed the bottle to her. ‘Besides… It’s not the first thing we share tonight.’ He grinned at her, obviously remembering the drugs, and Ella found herself flushing red again at the memory, a feeling that was empowered even more when she took a sip next and realized his lips had _just_ been on that bottle. His lips. So many near-kisses tonight… If only. But she had to mentally kick herself for thinking these things. She might have the hots for Ville, but it would never happen. A guy like him, with a girl like her? Not a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! More soon :)


	18. Here We Are In The Maelstrom Of Love

Ella woke up the next morning and stretched herself underneath the blanket, eyes closed until she realized she was definitely in a bed and not on the couch.  
  
Shit.

She carefully opened one eye and saw Ville’s back turned towards her. He was still in most of his clothes, and so was she, after a quick inspection underneath the duvet. She’d apparently kicked off her pants, but at least she still had her shirt on. She carefully got out of the bed and put on her jeans, making her way into the livingroom. Seeing Mige’s and Burton’s sleeping forms on the couch, the memories came back and she realized again why she had been in Ville’s bed. She had woken up somewhere in the dead of night, still on the floor. Everything was dark and quiet, except for some snoring coming from the couches. Ville had gone, probably off to bed. She was cold and her back hurt from lying on the floor, but she saw Burton and Mige on the couches and realized she had nowhere to actually sleep now. But, since she was still inhumanly drunk, and very sleepy, she decided she just couldn’t care less. She made her way over to Ville’s bedroom, only having a moment of doubt when she opened the door, hoping she wouldn’t find him doing something she was not meant to see. He was fast asleep though. Kicking of her pants, Ella got into bed quietly, hoping she wouldn’t wake him up, because despite being drunk as fuck, she still blushed at the thought of sharing a bed with this man in her underwear.

\--------  


Since the livingroom was still being occupied by Mige and Burton, Ella went into the kitchen, but soon changed her mind. She needed some fresh air, she needed to be at home and disappear into the forest. If only she could sit in the treehouse for a while, think things over. Perhaps taking a walk was the next best thing. She quietly gathered some of her belongings, freshened up a bit in the bathrooom, and made her way out of Ville’s temporary apartment. She needed some time to think, some time to herself, without worrying she might wake someone up.

Everything was still quiet in the streets and the sun hadn't really risen above the buildings yet. Ella had never seen this city so quiet and peaceful. Though she cursed herself for waking up so early again. 7 AM after a night of drunken antics. Fuck it, why couldn’t she just sleep.  
  
Last night had confused her tremendously. Especially the part on the floor, talking to Ville, switching from deep conversation to stupid jokes in the matter of minutes, and back again. And after that, being hugged by him for minutes, his sudden seriousness.  
She had to admit it to herself, not being able to deny it any longer. God knows she had tried to deny it, to save herself from even more pain, but there was just no stopping it. She was falling for the guy, head over heels. Seriously falling. This was not some silly little fangirl crush anymore. She had tried, telling herself she wasn’t really falling for him as a person, just falling for the idea of him, the attention he had for her and how much he cared for her. More than anyone had cared for her in a long time.  
But still, this felt different. This was eating at her heart, and she’d only felt like this once before in her entire life. And just look how that had ended. Major heartbreak. Death and heartbreak. She couldn’t possibly recover from something like that again. Didn’t want to get into that kind of mess again.

Besides… Why was she even thinking this way? She was totally getting ahead of herself here. She had no reason to believe Ville actually felt more for her than just friendship. Sure, there were the flirty remarks, but she was pretty sure he said those kind of things to anyone. Hell, he flirted more with Mige than with her sometimes. A guy like him couldn’t possibly fall for a simple girl like her. He needed someone who could keep up with him and his lifestyle. Not some plain, boring small-town girl, working in a shitty retirement home, living with her messed up chaotic family still, even in her twenties, with no other significant hobbies than playing in a mediocre little-league band, that was breaking up soon…  
Just hopeless.  
But still. Her heart. Her heart wanted what her head denied her. And now, of course, some stupid HIM song had to pop up into her head.

_I’m not afraid to say ’I love you’_

_Any more than I used to be, babe_

_I am scared to death_

_I am scared to death, to fall in love_

_With you_   
  


Why couldn’t it be any other song… Other lyrics. Lyrics out of love songs. Accomplished love. Happy little lovesongs. Not unrequited weepy love. Something like _Right Here In My Arms_.

Ella reached a little park, already quite near the studio again, but she decided to sit down for a while and just mull over her thoughts. She just sat there, watching the city come to life. The sun climbed higher, warming her face, and she suddenly realized there were a bunch more people around, and her stomach was rumbling rather ferociously. She checked her watch and was shocked it was past 10 o’clock already. Crap.

\---------

Ville opened the door to her when she got back, looking sleepy yet slightly worried. A burden seemed to fall off of him when he saw her come through the door.  
  
'Thank God. I was worried. You were gone suddenly, no note, all your stuff still here, and Mige and Burton didn't know where you were either of if you were alright.´  
  
'Sorry. I´m fine. I was out for a walk.'

Ville stretched his back and looked at the clock right above his head. 'Why would you want to take a walk at 9 in the morning?'  
  
'Actually, it was 7.' She said dryly, walking past him into the livingroom. Mige and Burton had vacated the couches and gone back to their own rooms apparently, so she sat down and worked at getting the chill from her hands. It had been slightly cold out, just sitting in the park. Ville was still looking at her worriedly.  
  
'Didn't you sleep at all?'  
  
'I did. A couple of hours.' She finally noticed the expression on his face. 'Don't look so worried. I don't need much sleep. I wasn’t gone _too_ long, and you were all still asleep anyway. Honestly, you shouldn´t have worried about me.'  
  
He seemed to feel a bit offended by what she said. 'Forgive me for being worried then. Would you rather like me to forget all about you?'  
  
'Maybe you should.' She softly whispered to herself, not loud enough for Ville to hear properly.  
  
'What was that?'

'Nothing.'

Ville sighed and turned away, disappearing into the kitchen. He came back a few minutes later.  
  
'I'm making coffee. You want some too?' His voice was stiff and emotionless. Cold.  
  
'Sure.' She snapped, feeling angry as well. Though it only took her about a minute to realize she wasn´t angry at Ville, just mostly angry with herself. Angry at her confusion. Angry that her feelings for him ruined the friendly relationship they had. She was ruining things completely. Being petulant and snippy towards him wouldn´t make her feel any better.  
She went into the kitchen and sat down on the counter, next to where Ville was standing, covering a bun completely with Nutella. He sure loved chocolate, for all his lack of eating, normally. Maybe he really did survive on Nutella, ramen and booze. She tried to catch his eye, but he beat her to it.

'Sorry.' He simply said. She kept quiet, realizing he wasn´t done yet, mulling over his words. 'I shouldn't have flared up at you, just because I'm feeling hungover and tense. And I´m sorry if I´m overly patronizing, maybe I do worry about you too much.'  
  
'I'm sorry as well. It's nice that you care about me a bit.'  
  
'A lot, darling.' He interrupted you.  
  
'Fine, a lot,´ she couldn´t help but smile, ‘And I shouldn't have been such a bitch. Maybe I didn’t sleep enough after all.’

‘Did I snore and keep you awake? Was that why you were up so early?’

Fuck, so he had noticed her crawling into bed with him after all. She had hoped she’d get away with it, without him noticing. Not really knowing if he had minded, Ella blushed again. And to think she'd actually taken off her pants too in her drunken haze... God, shameless.

‘No, not at all. I just couldn’t sleep anymore. Burton and Mige were sleeping on the couches so I kinda had nowhere to sleep. Sorry if I woke you.’

‘Don’t worry about it. I just realized I sort of just… fell asleep mid-conversation, got up and left you to sleep on the floor, like the egocentrical asshole I am. I think I was more drunk than I realized.’

‘Me too. And maybe more hungover than I realized as well. Again, sorry, for being a hungover bitch.’

Ville turned around, facing her, his hands smudged with what Nutella and pieces of bread. 'I'd like to give you a hug, but I don't think that's such a good idea.' He pointed down at his hands with his head.  
At that moment, his phone started ringing, next to him on the counter.  
  
'Fuck.' He muttered, looking at his messy hands once more. 'Could you please pick it up? It´s probably Seppo.'  
  
She felt slightly honoured that he trusted her enough to just pick up his phone. In a split second she saw there was no name on the screen, just a number, but it didn´t quite click in her brain that it probably wasn´t Seppo then. But her hungover brain was lagging, and she´d already picked up before she realized.

'Hello, sorry but Ville…'

Some woman started talking in Finnish before Ella could say anything else. The only word she could make out in the barrage of words was ´Ville´.  
  
'Hello? Ville can't talk on the phone right now. Just a second though, he´ll…'  
  
' _Saatana!_ (Fuck!)' She understood _that_ as well. 'Who the hell are you? Where is Ville? Why are you taking his calls? Get Ville on the phone NOW!' The woman at the other end of the line was snapping and shouting, her voice shrill and loud.

With a disgusted face Ella handed Ville the phone, who had washed and dried his hands by then. He gave her a weird look and put the phone to his ear, starting to talk in Finnish right away. Noticing the coffee machine was done, Ella poured them each a cup of coffee, listening to Ville with half an ear and feeling more uncomfortable by the second. Ville seemed to sound mad at first, and then seemingly started backing down and apologizing. It dawned upon her the woman was probably Noora. Ella felt a bit assaulted for a moment, but got more and more infuriated, the more she thought about it. The audacity of that woman. What right did that bitch have to yell at her like that?!? Or at Ville, for that matter.  
  
Ella could hear she was still screaming, and Ville's voice went from calm to angry to calm again, while his whole figure simultaneously seemed to shrink. _Time to leave the room..._ She took her coffee cup and scooted off the counter, hurrying out of the kitchen. She wouldn’t appreciate it either if there were people listening in on her phonecalls, even if they were in Finnish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	19. I Dare You To Dream This

The coffee did Ella good. Having a walk in the morning had cleared her mind slightly, but the coffee properly woke her up and made her see things sort of clear again. She had to give up on this stupid infatuation. Ville was still too caught up in his mess with Noora, and in all actuality, the thought of falling in love again, being with another man again, seriously scared Ella. She had dipped her foot in, developing feelings for Ville. But the water was too deep. She couldn’t swim anymore. She needed to put a stop to these feelings she had for Ville.  
  
She could still hear him talking from where she was seated in the livingroom, and it sounded as if the conversation was nowhere near an end. So when she had finished her coffee, Ella gathered the stuff she needed from the bedroom, and made her way to the shower. She enjoyed the warm water at first, washing the smoke out of her hair and all of yesterday’s excitement off of her skin. But after that she turned the water to cold. Icy cold. Just another attempt to clear her head. It was of no use though, because as soon as she had stepped out of the shower she saw all these things belonging to Ville, reminding her of him, and again her heart fluttered. Something as trivial as a toothbrush. A fucking toothbrush. But it reminded her he wasn’t just Ville Valo the leadsinger, but he was just a normal guy, with normal feelings. She was a normal girl. So why couldn’t it happen…?

Still sighing to herself, still confused, Ella found Ville hadn’t left the kitchen yet. He had apparently finished talking to Noora, and sat there sitting at the kitchentable, still nurturing his nutella’d breadroll and coffee, looking depleted. When he noticed her walking in, his face brightened, but the smile didn’t quite reach the corners of his eyes. He pushed another plate in her direction.

'Eat! I’ve toasted it. It's great.' He commanded.

Ella sat down and took a careful bite. She wasn’t normally the type to have a sweet breakfast, but the combination of toasted bread and Nutella was delicious, she had to admit that.  
  
'Don't you just love my cooking skills?'

Ella cocked an eyebrow at that. If toasting some bread was cooking skills, she was a fucking chef. But it was nice that he tried and made her some as well.

'Oh by the way. Sam called. I took the liberty of being your personal assistant as well and picking up your phone, when I saw it was her and she kept repeatedly calling you. She wondered “Where the fuck you are because you should have been here 10 fucking minutes ago”. I told her you were in the shower.'  
  
Ella almost choked on her breakfast. 'Shit. We were going shopping today. I totally forgot!'

She stuffed the last bites of the bread in her mouth and ran off calling Sam, apologizing and telling her to meet up in the city centre. Ville watched on, amused, seeing her sudden hurry. She felt kind of bad for Ville though, he seemed down and a bit forlorn. But she hadn’t seen Sam in ages either.

‘Sorry Ville. We arranged this weeks ago and it totally slipped my mind when I agreed to spend the day here with you.’

‘It’s all good, don’t worry. See you afterwards?’

'I'll be back halfway through the afternoon I guess. Unless you want me gone of course?'  
  
'Of course not, stop dragging yourself down. You’re lovely to have around. Come back at whatever time you like.’  
  
His compliment made her blush, yet again confusing her, so she simply grabbed her purse and coat, and waved goodbye to Ville.

\----------

When Ella returned around 5 in the afternoon, there was no response when she rung Ville’s buzzer. She tried Linde’s next, and in typical silent Linde fashion, he buzzed her up without saying a word.  
She made her way upstairs, several heavy shopping bags weighing her down. Normally Ville would have the door open for her already, but now his door was closed and no one answered, so she tried Linde’s again.

‘Already thought it was you.’ Linde said, after he had opened the door. He gave her a look, eyeing the numerous bags she was carrying. 'What the fuck? Are you moving in or something?'

'Went shopping with Sam.'  
  
He just laughed and Ella gave him an exhausted but happy smile, following him when he gestured for her to come in. Without realizing, she had been in desperate need of some shopping therapy, and it had been a fun afternoon with Sam. Ella immediately dropped the bags as soon as she was inside.  
  
'So fucking heavy…' She sighed to herself, rubbing her sore wrists.

'I figured out you'd figure out I was here.' A familiar deep voice said, making her heart skip a beat, unwanted. She turned towards the sound, and sure enough, there he was. Ville was sitting on the couch, face pale, sad green eyes, cigarette in hand. Next to him was Mige, looking as if he was in a rather diminished kind of mood as well.

Ella sat down too, and thankfully nodded at Linde when he handed her a glass of water. She noticed the men were drinking a beer, and there were several cans of in front of Ville already. She drank her water quickly, being rather thirsty, all the while noticing the odd tension in the room. Linde was quiet as usual, but Mige was almost never silent. He was just sat there, looking at his phone, seemingly disgruntled. Ville kept silent as well, chainsmoking and looking tired and dazed.  
  
'So...did you find what you needed?' Linde asked, trying to break the weird mood and the uncomfortable silence in the room. Leave it up to the quiet one to break the silence first. Ella was thankful for the lighthearted question. Hopefully it would snap Ville and Mige out of whatever it was that was going on between them.

‘Yeah I have actually. Bought several new pieces of clothing actually. I fell in love with this one dress, think I’m gonna wear it to our gig next week.’

Linde looked interested, so she told him about the gig, probably their last ever, and showed him the dress. It was just a little black dress, embellished with some glittery thread and subtle bits of beads, so it had just a subtle little sparkle to it, but it was gloriously cut and had fit her well. The other guys paid attention as well and actually seemed to stop sulking, so she showed them some of the other stuff she got as well, proceeding to show them several tops, sneakers, and a few CD’s she had bought. Especially the CD’s seemed to lighten the mood a bit. Buying secondhand CD’s was a weakness she just couldn’t get over, despite the digital age they’d all entered.

‘And this, ‘ she said, cradling the last bag in her hands, showing them a secretive smile ‘is not meant for your eyes.’

'Oh look at that naughty smile!' Mige yelled. 'She's up to some bad, bad stuff. You better watch out Ville!'  
  
Ville seemed annoyed by Mige's remark, and Ella wondered if it was because of the simple rudeness of the remark in general, or the fact that it involved Ville and herself and he thought that was a ridiculous idea. Or he was simply grumpy and couldn't care less.  
  
'It's not what you think it is Mige.'  
  
He obviously thought she had been to a sexshop or something. But it was something somewhat more innocent.  
  
'Ah too bad.'  
  
'Shut up now!' She said, laughing at Mige and gathering up her stuff again, putting it back in the bags before sitting down again.

'I think I'm going back to my place.' Ville said, after 10 more minutes of just chitchatting around, when he’d finished his beer. Though the chitchatting was mostly done by her, Linde and Mige. Ville was silent most of the time, just drinking and looking at the others.  
  
'Are you coming as well?' He turned to her, and for some reason she could see in his yes it wasn’t really a question.  
  
'Yeah, ok.'  
  
Ville just waved at the guys dismissively, making his way to the door, but she took a bit longer, gathering up all the bags again.  
  
'Bye guys.'  
  
'Hold up Ella!' Mige came walking after her and closed the door slightly before she could reach it. 'Don't mind Ville. He's a bit touchy today. We've been bickering about the new material and apparently Noora called this morning. So don't take it personally if he snaps at you or acts like a sulky bitch.’

‘Probably still hungover too. Thanks for the heads up, though.’

‘We thought that maybe you could cheer him up a bit. He doesn't listen to us anyway. But he’ll listen to you.'  
  
'He will?' She was quite surprised.  
  
But before Mige could explain any further she heard Ville's voice coming from the hallway.  
  
'Ella? You still coming?'  
  
'Yeah. On my way.’ She said, simply nodding at Mige in silent understanding.

\-----------

Ville was already inside the apartment, another cigarette pinched between his lips, guitar in his lap. Normally he would strum gentle chords and melodies, and Ella really enjoyed hearing it. This time it was stray notes, and Ella couldn’t help but notice they were all in minor key. She felt uncomfortable and didn’t really know what to do about the situation. She could _feel_ Ville’s eyes on her as she put away her stuff, rummaged around in the kitchen a bit and finally sat down opposite him with a mug of tea. She _had_ to get him talking somehow, but for now, she was staring around wistfully, just as he was staring around tauntingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I'm actually not too happy with this one. Work has swamped my brain... I hope to get another chapter out by the weekend!


	20. And I Dare You To Dream This Gone

The guitar in his hand resounded with whatever string he tugged. E, G, A. Like the whole day, whatever note he played sounded wrong. The whole day was wrong. Everything was crap. He stuck on the G string, plucking it again and again, while staring intently at Ella, across from him on the couch. He’d been rather unkind to her before, almost ignoring her when they’d been over at Linde’s. He’d been too busy stewing in his rotten mood.  
Ella was across from him on the couch, nursing a mug of tea. Calm. Always, eternally calm and patient. In completely childish fashion, he wanted to make her tick. This sadistic urge to get under her skin, to break the calm.  
G, G, G, G… He kept insistently playing that one note and staring at her. It was making her uncomfortable by now. She looked around, looked at him, looked away again, and finally locked eyes with him, squinting a little when he didn’t look away.

‘Don’t stare at me please.’

‘I’m not staring.’

Of course he was. But now so was she. She played his little game and her grey eyes were now hard, boring into his. Two could play at this game, apparently.

‘Then what do you call what you are doing right now?'  
  
'I’m just looking.' His voice sounded calm, yet challenging, daring her to lash out.  
  
They both kept at this game, neither one looking away, until it dawned upon Ville what he was actually doing. Driving away the one person who was still on his side today. The one person he _wanted_ to care about him. Wanted in his life tonight. Was he really that much of a bastard? But on top of all that crap that went on today, his feelings for Ella were confusing him immensely. He sighed and finally looked away, stopping his idiotic game. The insistent G-tones changed to a simple melody, plucking a bit awkwardly at the strings before moving over to chords, his fingers not used to playing this song anymore. Surely she’d recognize the song and hear what he couldn’t say aloud just yet. Draw her own conclusions, hopefully.

_On my heart I’ll bear the shame_

_No prayer can ease the pain_

_No one will love you_

_No one will love you the way that I do_

_No one will love you_

_Love you like I do  
  
_

Boy, was this guy in a mood or what. Ella almost audibly sighed when Ville finally seemed to snap out of it and changed that stupid droning note. It took her awhile before she figured out the melody. _Love You Like I Do_. How very fitting. If this sulky mood was really because of that phonecall from Noora this morning, Ville was in way deeper than she, or he himself probably, realized.

She finished her tea and got up, catching Ville’s eyes again.

‘I’m making dinner tonight. Anything you prefer?’

He seemed to revert back to his old self again, capable of friendly conversation at least.

‘No, love. Just make whatever you like. Or we can order in if you want?’

‘It’s no problem. I like having someone to cook for.’  
  
She went into the kitchen, utterly confused. Ville was completely hot and cold today, going from obnoxious to gentlemanly again in the blink of an eye, or in the space of a few chords. She could still hear him strumming the guitar in the livingroom, while gathering up some ingredients to make a simple, basic vegetarian curry. A little while later, Ville’s phone rang, and he answered in Finnish. Even from the kitchen she could hear he sounded tired and withdrawn, switching to aggrieved moments later. Was it her again? She would probably never know, because a moment later Ville’s voice moved away, probably off to the bedroom to argue in privacy.

The fight was over but the war still hadn’t been fought. Ville doubted she would call again tonight though. Noora was properly pissed off now, she’d be raging up a storm over in Finland, probably obliterating anything or anyone that crossed her path tonight. But he was safe over here. Across the Eastern sea and a good stretch of Germany.  
Noora had gone off on him in the morning already, after Ella picked up his phone and she realized he had a girl in his vicinity. He hadn’t let anything slip about who the woman was or why she was there, which had pissed Noora off immensely. She had called Ella a slut, to which he had reacted as if stung by a bee. She had absolutely no right to go after Ella. And after that, before he knew it they naturally reverted back to old arguments and old sore spots from their previous relationship. Knowing what buttons to push to get eachother riled up all too well. Now she had called again and from what he could gather, she’d spent a lot of time today trying to figure out who he had been with. Even going so far as calling Seppo and demanding answers. His trustworthy manager hadn’t told her anything either, and neither had other mutual acquaintances apparently. Ville couldn’t believe this woman was actually so vindictive and angry still. It was almost a disease, the way she was fixated on this, on him. They’d split up on bad terms, after a long, toxic relationship. By the time they were through, there seemed no common ground anymore, no love lost between them. But she was determined to get him back, even though their relationship was poisonous to the both of them and neither of them had truly been happy. Was it for herself, or to hurt him even more? Some sadistic streak to tear someone down? He’d truly loved her at some point, and she had properly had him on a leash for a long time, even after the relationship ended. For a long time, but now, day after day, he was more sure of himself. More sure he was headed in the right direction, moving on to better things.

  
He lit a cigarette and made his way over to the kitchen on bare feet. Ella did not hear him approach, busying herself with spices and other ingredients and softly singing to herself. _Love You Like I Do,_ probably stuck in her head since he’d played it over and over again. Her voice was soft and clear when not distorted by a microphone. His heart sank in despair at the sight and sound of her. He was pretty sure _she_ was his _better things_. But today…

His life was one giant crapfest today, and his heart couldn’t handle all these conflicting emotions. He wanted Ella, in a way, but he didn’t want to lose his heart again and be hurt again. He wasn’t done hurting yet. Wasn’t done working through all the shit from last time. Life was a mess too. At the moment, but also generally speaking, his life was a chaotic rollercoaster ride. Deep shadows and brilliant highlights. And Ella was so goddamn innocent. Her life seemed so stabile compared to his. Safe, realistic. She’s obviously had her share of heartache, but all in all her life seemed to be in much calmer waters. Did he really want to drag her along in this? Corrupt her like that? And what if she didn’t hurt him, but he hurt her, in the process? And where was her say in all this? He was completely focusing on himself again. Why was he even thinking about this, if there was nothing there on her part? Was there? She was so hard to gauge… It felt good whenever they were together, things came naturally. As if they belonged together, and this spark couldn’t be just on his end. But she hadn’t let anything slip that she might have feelings for him too. She let nothing show. Then again, she was way too inhibited for that. A bloody clamshell. Still working through her own stuff as well. As was he. But he wanted her. How was he ever going to work through this…?  
  


'Hey. How's it coming along?' She jumped, hadn’t heard him come into the kitchen.

‘Shit. You scared me.’

‘Sorry.’

Ella eyed him carefully, while he went over to the fridge and got out another beer. Ville still looked as tired and withdrawn, but he definitely seemed more social and approachable. Thank God, it had been unnerving to spend time with him a while ago. Ella wondered how much he’d had to drink already. Maybe his demons came out when he’d had one too many. Which happened fairly often, though he’d seemed a friendly drinker so far. His behavior tonight had been odd.  
Ville hopped on to the kitchen counter, his regular spot when she was cooking, and he eyed the food and what she was doing curiously.

‘Did you really whip this up from whatever I had left in the fridge and freezer?’

‘Yeah, though I have to say there was still a lot of the food left that we bought the last time we went grocery shopping. Do you actually eat when I’m not here to cook you dinner?’

‘Eh… Not really. Take-out mostly, or ramen.’

‘You and your ramen noodles…’

They spent a few minutes in silence again, but comfortable silence this time.

‘I liked your singing to yourself.’ He finally said, and Ella blushed with embarrassment. He wasn’t meant to hear that.

‘Oh shush. It probably sounded like crap. I wasn’t meant to be a singer, I was meant to be a backup singer. Background is good enough for me. Besides, your register is way too low for me.’

He growled, as low as he could go, making her laugh, the tension well and truly broken now.

‘Could you get some plates out? Dinner is nearly ready.’

He did as she asked and handed her a beer as well, while he was at it, before they both sat down at the table, enjoying their food.

‘God, Ella, you’ve outdone yourself.’ Ville admitted, after a few minutes. She’d known he was a sucker for a good curry, and had gotten all the ingredients she needed to make her favorite recipe last time they went grocery shopping.

‘Glad you like it.’  
  
Despite his enthusiasm, Ville reverted back to the silence again halfway through the dinner. He ate everything on his plate but was nothing like his normal chatty self.

It worried Ella, but while she was wondering what she could possible do to get him to talk, Ville spoke, making her jump again.

'Bam is coming over next week.' He noticed her jump. 'Caught up in your own thoughts love?'  
  
'Yeah.' She admitted. 'But so are you. You've been staring and thinking all afternoon.'

Ville just nodded and sighed.

‘Ville… Are you… ok?’ It wasn’t just a polite question. She was genuinely worried, and hoped the tone in her voice conveyed that worry. But Ville didn’t answer her. He just avoided eyecontact, looking at the table and rubbing his forehead. When he finally did look back at her, she thought she saw a tell-tale shine in his eyes. Oh fuck… _Now_ what had she done. She jumped up and made her way over to him, squatting next to his seat, and trying to get him to look at her.  
  
‘Hey. Come on, talk to me. What happened?

He still didn’t respond, but kept his hands on his face. She thought she saw him sneakily wipe away some tears.

‘Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.’

Not really knowing what to do, she just placed a hand on his back, waited until he had composed himself. Ville just kept on rubbing on face, unable to speak for a few moments more. When he finally did speak, the worst of the emotion seemed gone.

‘It’s just… Today was such a shit day…’

She silently urged him on, hoping she could draw this out of him, help him out somehow.

‘It’s been super stressful lately… Today we had a bit of an argument within the band. Just this… _stupid_ argument about a fucking chord sequence. But it just felt like everyone was against me. And all this crap with Noora today… This morning, and just now. And just… Making a new album is always stressful, but now... I’m so tired of all this shit.’

‘Hey… Come here…’ She pulled him up from his chair, pulling him into a hug, ‘It’s ok. You’ll be alright.’ When her hands trailed from his back to his sides, she couldn’t help but notice how she felt his ribs through his shirt. Dammit, she still wasn’t feeding this man enough. Probably because he apparently only lived on coffee, beer and cigarettes, when she wasn’t around.

‘You know what… You need a night of relaxation… I’m going to pamper you the whole evening. You just relax and enjoy it.’

‘Really? You’d do that for me?’

‘Of course,’ She blushed lightly, embarrassed at the memories of when she had broken down in front of him when she’d found out her mum was ill again, ‘You were there for me when I was down. So it’s the least I can do… Throw a Pity Party.’

Ville snickered at her choice of words, and Ella was glad he at least still capable of laughing at her stupid jokes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, 20 chapters already... Can't believe it!  
> Hope you're all enjoying this story :)


	21. Labyrinth In A Shape Of A Heart

‘Come on.’ Ella gently tugged at his arm, until he followed her. She directed him to the bedroom, and he all too willingly followed. It was probably not what he had in mind though, because once in the bedroom, she just pushed him to sit on the bed, before she herself left again. She reappeared two minutes later, with two glasses of red wine, with a small box in her hand. He gratefully took a few sips, and noticed Ella did the same from her glass. She had a determined look in her eyes, and he almost choked on his wine at her next command.

‘Take your shirt off.’

‘What?’

‘Take your shirt off and lie down.’

‘Ok…’ He finally said, still no clue what she was planning. He loved her bossing him around, immensely curious what she was planning. Nothing romantic, he feared. Despite her words, her manner was all business. She averted her eyes when he took his shirt off, turning away from him and busying herself with the content of the box. She’d brought one of his lighters along, and was lighting some incense, from the looks of it.

‘Now lie down on the bed, face down.’

He did as she asked, but not without wonder. ‘What the hell are you planning? Was Mige right about you after all?’ He turned back and winked at her, making her roll her eyes at him.

‘You wish. Mige and his filthy mind. I’m just going to give you a massage, to get the tension out of your muscles. One of my many hidden talents.’

Ville chuckled again, as the soft scent of lavender slowly reached his nose.

‘I smell lavender.’

‘It’s the incense and the oil.’

‘You just have that on you all the time?’

‘No, coincidentally bought it this afternoon, so you’re in luck.’

He could hear her slicking her hands together, and felt the bed compress where she sat down next to him on her knees. He twisted his back and looked up her again.

‘So basically I will smell like you after this?’

‘Yes,’ she laughed a bit, ‘you could say that.’

‘My lovely lavender girl.’

\-----------

Ella was glad he’d turned back again and couldn’t see her cheeks flare up at that last comment. She leant over his back and slowly started massaging. She hadn’t been lying when she said it was one of her talents. She’d always been able to just feel where the tension was in people’s bodies. For a while, she’d even toyed with the idea of becoming a massage therapist but had decided against it in the end, not wanting to do it for a living.

‘Let me just…’ She couldn’t quite reach where she wanted to reach comfortably. Having already had a beer, and most of her glass of wine thrown back in a hurry before she started, her boundaries had faded a bit. She got up slightly and straddled Ville’s back, sitting down gently on the top part of his legs, ‘do you mind?’

‘Not at all.’

She worked slowly, merely caressing and working in the oil at first, and then started pushing at the knots she felt in his back, working them out. In the meantime she admired Poe’s eyes staring up at her from Ville’s back, and the smooth feel of his skin underneath her hands. She’d worked most of the oil in as well, and added a bit more. Ville flinched at sensation of the cold drops of oil on his back.   
'Just some more oil.' She reassured him, and he relaxed, as she switched from the heavy rubbing and pushing to softly caressing again. Her hands slid across his back once more, and she felt the oil warm up between her hands and his skin. Being able to touch him like this was sensational and she savored the feeling. After a while she herself relaxed, merely focusing on the sensation, and she noticed how her own breathing was almost in sync with his soft, steady breathing. He’d been quiet all along.

‘Are you asleep?’ She asked softly, stopping the movement of her hands for a moment. It took Ville a few seconds before he answered, eyes still closed.

‘No… I’m just enjoying this immensely.’

‘Good.’ She carried on until the oil had completely dried up again, and all that was left was the soft smell of lavender. ‘I’m done.’

‘Ok… Front now?’ Ville asked, trying to look up at her from his crooked position. She could still see the playful smirk on his face however, though most of his face was still pushed into the pillow. Fucking hell, would she ever get used to his careless flirting remarks?

‘Forget it mate.’ She put on a smirk as well, hoping it matched his, ‘I’ve got other things planned. Stay here and finish your wine, I’ll be back in a few minutes.’

\----------  
  
Wow. He was still reeling from the massage. Ella certainly had magic in her fingers. All the tension in his back, tension he hadn’t even known was there, was gone. The tension in his head had disappeared along with it. He felt totally, utterly relaxed, almost at peace. The moment she had started with the oil he just felt like he was drifting off into some sort of trancelike state. It was all so calming, the repetitive pressure to his back, the feeling of her warm hands, the scent of the oil and the lavender. That scent that totally belonged to her. He breathed it in deeply once more, but before he could dwell on it much longer, the culprit came walking back into the room. She had changed into her pyjama’s and looked appropriately adorable and disheveled as she carried in his laptop with a large plate balanced on top, and the corked bottle of wine tucked beneath her arm.

‘Now we’re going to watch whatever you want to watch, and eat… THIS.’

She showed him what was on the plate with a large smile.

‘In lieu of waffles or something equally delicious, your signature chocolate covered toast.’  
  
After watching the original _A Nightmare on Elm Street_ , and the second movie in the franchise, Ville actually gave her the choice of the next movie.

‘I think I’ve tortured you enough with all these 80’s horror movies.’

‘Well, these weren’t too bad actually,’ Ella said, ‘I’d actually seen the first one already so it wasn’t too scary.’ She thought for a while about what movie to watch next, scrolling through Ville’s vast catalogue of movies on his laptop. He had mostly obscure horror stuff and a lot of 80’s stuff, most of it from a bit before her time, but in the end she found something she liked. ‘So, we’re staying in the 80’s tonight,’ she said, before clicking on _Labyrinth._ ‘This used to be one of my favorites growing up.’

‘Oh, David Bowie. Good choice.’

‘I must have watched it some 50 times already,’ Ella admitted, ‘it always makes me feel better when _I’m_ having an off day.’

Ville just smiled at that admission, and they settled in for the third movie of the night.

\--------

Ville watched in amusement as Ella ad-libbed almost half of the movie _Labyrinth._ She definitely loved this movie, that much was obvious. He’d only seen the movie twice, once in his childhood, and once years and years ago. Why it was actually even on his laptop, he had no idea, but it was worth it just for seeing Ella enjoy the movie. He handed her the bottle of wine again, and she gratefully took another sip, before acting out the dialogue again. They’d ditched the glasses some time ago, as they had gotten lazier and lazier, slipping down the bed from sitting half upright to more or less lounging and letting it all hang out, as more wine flowed between them. Currently Ella’s head was resting on his shoulder, and he was carefully trying to shift position in such a way she would lie on his chest and he could put his arm around her. She only had attention for the movie however, and actually bolted upright to sing along enthusiastically with the end credits, acting out the lyrics dramatically.

_No one can blame you for walking away_

_But too much rejection, uh huh_

_No love injection, nothing_

_Life can be easy_

_It’s not always swell_

_Don’t tell me truth hurts, little girl,_

_‘cause it hurts like hell_

She even changed the lyric ‘little girl’ to ‘little boy’ to suit his needs. He had to admit, she had a point, and he found himself laughing hysterically, momentarily forgetting about his failed attempt to make his move on her, and forgetting about his shit day altogether.

\-------

‘God, sorry. I love that movie so much I get caught up sometimes.’ Ella apologized, wafting air to herself with her hands. She was feeling incredibly warm, even though they were still on top of the duvet. Must be because they’d drank a considerable amount of wine once again, the second bottle nearly empty too. Ella felt giddy and unusually chatty, and had to trouble stopping her blabbing. Ville just watched with an amused smile as she raved on.

‘You know that white dress Sarah wears? It used to be my dream dress growing up. Of course now I see it for the pompous number that it is, but God… I loved that dress when I was a kid.’

‘You seemed to be very pleased with the dress you bought today as well.’ Ville said, with a little smile.   
Ville’d been so sulky and distracted she thought he had barely seen the dress, but apparently he had been more in tune to the conversation than she had thought.

‘Yeah… I love it.’

‘But?’ He picked up on the doubt in her voice. 

‘I doubted a bit if it… suits me. I mean… I’m not a dressy kind of person per se.’

‘Try it on, show me.’

‘What? No.’ Ella laughed at his suggestion.’

‘I mean it. This night was all about making me feel better. It would make me feel better.’ Ville said, with a smirk.

‘You’re full of shit. Why on earth would that make you feel better?’ Ella asked, incredulously.

‘Just wondering how it would look on you.’

Ella just stared at Ville for a few moments, before finally admitting defeat. ‘Ok, fine.’ She said. Besides, it would be good to get a second opinion. Sam had loved the dress, but her taste in clothes had always been more extravagant than Ella’s. She went to the bathroom to reluctantly change out of her pyjama’s and into the dress, feeling even more insecure about it and herself now she was going to show it to Ville. She’d splurged on the dress, with the vague notion of wearing it to the band’s last gig, and now being able to use it to possibly try and impress Ville was an added bonus. She sighed at her own flushed face and combed through her hair a bit to smooth it down. The dress was growing on her, actually, and by the time she went back into the bedroom, she’d grown more secure of herself, probably due to the wine.

‘So? How does it look?’

Ville pretended to push his bottom jaw back up, in some cartoonesque motion, as she showed him a pose and a twirl.

‘Spectacular.’

‘Ignore the wine and Nutella belly though.’ Ella said, hiding her stomach behind her hands.   
  
Ville just snorted at her last comment. ‘It looks absolutely lovely on you my darling.’

‘So I should wear this for the gig next week?’

‘Absolutely. You’ll be the belle of the ball.’

‘You’re just saying that because you’re drunk’

‘As a matter of fact, I am not.’ Ville said, before finishing off the last of the second bottle of wine. ‘Also fact, it looks great.’

‘I still don’t get how this would make your evening better. The whole purpose of this night was to cheer you up.’

‘You already did that love,’ he just smiled at her, ‘and this helps too. You, just standing there, looking dazzling.’

Ella just rolled her eyes at him, before heading back to the bathroom door. ‘Well, I’m not eyecandy. I’m changing back into my comfortable PJ’s. Anything else I can do to cheer you up?’

‘What was in that last mystery bag?’

Again, the obsession with that last bag of shopping… These men and their dirty minds. ‘Nothing. Just some new underwear.’

Once more, Ville smirked at her. ‘Oh. Lingerie. I wonder if it looks as good as you as that dress does.’  
  
Ha, that trick might have worked on her once tonight, but not again, though the blatant flirting made her blush, and she quickly made her way out of the room.

‘No… That is something even you don’t get to see Mr. Valo.’

\---------

The rest of the evening was spent in a lot less flirty manner. After changing in her pyjama’s again, Ella had returned to Ville engrossed in his phone again.   
  
‘Another call?’

‘No.’ He put the phone down again after a few seconds, as Ella sat back down on the duvet, on his other side. ‘I was actually deleting all of the recent messages she sent…’

‘Bravo.’ She playfully patted his shoulder. ‘Good for you.’  
  
‘Just… time for closure, you know.’

Oh, she knew all about it. Or at least, she had spent months trying to get some closure as well, and finally felt like she was succeeding. For now, no matter how fun the evening had been, she found she was yawning more and more often. ‘Well, I’m off to the couch. I’m pretty tired, if you don’t mind.’

‘No, Ella…’ Ville said, stopping her from getting up. ‘Just… Sleep in here again. For those few hours left before morning. Then you don’t have to sleep on that crappy couch either.’

Ella doubted for a while. Her nights had been pretty sleepless already, she doubted she’d sleep any better in bed with Ville. She’d probably be too tense to sleep a wink. She drooled in her sleep, for Gods sake… And what if she snored, or worse… talked.

‘Oh come on… I won’t lay a hand on you.’ Ville said, ‘if that’s what you are worrying about. I wouldn’t touch you with a finger…’

‘Well, that’s not a very nice thing to say either.’ Ella said, but she smiled and finally admitted defeat. The couch was decent, but infinitely more uncomfortable than the bed.

They both took turns brushing their teeth before bed, and Ella only felt slightly uncomfortable as she got into bed next to Ville. He just let out a satisfied sigh, switched off the bedside lamp, and scooted closer to her, looking at her for a few moments in the semi-dark before placing his hand on her arm, about to say something to her.

‘ _“I won’t lay a hand on you”_ ’, She mocked, miming his voice and slight accent. She’d only been joking, but Ville immediately retreated his hand, looking shocked.   
‘Kidding, I’m only kidding! It’s ok, you can hold me if you want.’ She said, feeling like she had just ruined a perfect opportunity. She jerked at his arm until he moved it up again, but Ville just brushed some hair from her face before moving his arm down again. _Way to ruin a moment, Ella,_ she thought to herself.

They continued talking, in whispered tones, first about their respective exes, soon about getting closure, but later about love itself, and Ella found herself admitting some things to Ville she had never told anyone. How hard it felt to let people in again, how she struggled with that, also with physical touch, explaining that was why she had mocked him a while before. Ville was very accepting, as always, and admitted that he, on his turn, was a very huggy person, too touchy sometimes, in the physical sense, craving someone’s nearness, even in just a friendly way. Ella wished she could feel the same… Soon, tiredness got the better of her, and she found herself drifting off to his soft, soothing voice. She’d often fallen asleep to HIM’s music, _Gone With The Sin_ lulling her to sleep, but this, _this_ was even better.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rather long one, but I was on a roll the last couple of days.   
> Thanks for reading!


	22. Towards Tomorrow's Arms

It’s incredible how long a week can take when you’re missing something… Ville’s mind kept going back to that as he willed away the hours. Thank God his sour mood had passed after last weekend, Ella had made sure of that, pampering him all Saturday evening. Something had clicked in his mind, and he’d been feeling much more positive, lighter somehow. Something had been lifted from his shoulders. After deleting all of Noora’s recent messages during that night he’d been cooped up with Ella, he’d gone even further the evening after Ella had left. He’d been in a calm, clear state of mind, and suddenly realized there was another step he had to take. He was done, finished. Didn’t want this to drag out any longer. So he’d sent Noora a final message, that he would block her number and emailaddress. Saying he was through, a 100% through with her, and didn’t want to be in contact again, but that he wished her well in life. Naturally, she’d immediately called him, but he’d refused the call, calmly, and deleted any further messages she sent him that evening. It felt good, refreshing. He was ready to move on to better things.  
He also felt more energetic, and all week he’d been on the verge of restless. Thankfully for the band and himself, he’d also been hellishly inspired, musically, so all that energy didn’t go to waste and they were making strong headway with the recordings. But still, no matter how good it felt to feel inspired and successful again, on Thursday evening, he couldn’t help but feel frustrated at how slowly time was passing.  
The guys were all spending time on their own as well and Ella hadn’t been able to come over, having to go to the last rehearsal session with her own band, before their final gig that Friday. Which meant, he wouldn’t see her again before Saturday. With Bam visiting as well… It would surely be a memorable but hectic weekend. They probably wouldn’t get much time together, with Bam and all his crew present.  
But now he felt bored, restless. On his own, in the studio apartment, just himself and his guitar for company. He sighed, lit a cigarette, and checked his phone once again. His heart fluttered when there was a new message, but it was only from Susanna, asking how he was and if he’d like to go for coffee sometime soon to catch up. His ex-girlfriend, from aeons ago. Luckily, he was on much better terms with her than his more recent ex-girlfriends, and they’d remained close friends ever since dating back in their early twenties.

She picked up on the third ring.

‘Hey! That was fast. It normally takes you ages to respond to my messages…’

‘Oh, you know… Just so happened to check my phone.’ For the thirtieth time that evening…

They chatted for a few minutes about trivial stuff, before the conversation turned to Noora and her relentless attempts to get under his skin. Apparently word had been going around in Helsinki that she was absolutely livid with him.

‘Actually… I’ve met someone new.’

‘Really! Oh, do tell me! Who is it, do I know her?’

‘No. She’s not from around Helsinki. And truthfully, I… I uh… don’t even really know what’s going on yet.’

‘Still that casual, huh?’ He caught her snicker through the phone.

‘Non-existent, actually,’ he admitted. ‘Took me a while to figure out how I felt about her, and to be honest, I don’t think she really reciprocates my feelings. Or well… I don’t know. It’s all so bloody confusing. She’s so hard to gauge…’

‘How so?’

‘She’s rather… closed off. I swear that girl doesn’t show any of her feelings.’  
  
He could hear Susanna sigh through the telephone, but he knew she secretly loved it that he was confiding in her. 'Have the guys met her? Hear Mige or one of the other guys out.'  
  
'Oh come on Susanna, you know how reliable their information is...And she spends most time with me anyway, so I don't think they can really know.'  
  
'What are you bitching about then? If she spends all her time with you than it seems pretty obvious to me…'

‘It’s not that simple… I invited her in the first place, as a friend, so it’s only natural she hangs out with me mostly.’

'Well… Then just watch the way she is around others and then the way she is with you. You know I’m all about body language, baby.’ That was absolutely true. Susanna’s talent for “reading people”, which he guessed was mostly due to her reading their body language correctly, was a big part of the reason why she was such a great reporter and journalist.

‘She’s pretty a-physical as well.’ He finally admitted to her, worried Susanna might respond again with ‘what are you bitching about then’, because when he put it like this, it sounded pretty self-explanatory that Ella probably _wasn’t_ into him. ‘But I swear there’s something there. It’s just… Some things happened in her past and now she’s says she feels all clammed up, emotionally…’

‘Oh Ville…’ Susanna obviously thought it was a hopeless case… But to his surprise, she went on speaking. ‘Just… Watch her. Watch her carefully. Give her a hug the next time you see her and _really_ pay attention to her body language. Watch her feet if you can. If they point away, you can be pretty sure she isn’t into it. And watch her stance. If she lets you pull her close to you, you’re doing fine. If she just moves her upper body, and her lower body stays far away from you, forget about it.’

‘I’ll try.’

‘And remember, it’s…’

‘All about body language,’ he interrupted her, ‘I know.’

\-----------

‘Five more minutes till showtime, guys and girls.’

The bartender walked off again, leaving the band in their cramped backstage quarters. The mood was… strange. Loaded with all these mixed feelings. It was pretty obvious everyone in _Love’s Light Blue_ was feeling it. Their last gig. Probably ever. Ella could see it was actually a relief for Liz. Sweet, pregnant Liz, moving on to a new chapter in her and Dave’s life. Richard, their keyboardist, seemed absolutely gutted. Liz and Dave, were moving on, and so was Paul, obviously, moving to the US soon, but like Ella, Richard had nothing else lined up, no big life plans happening. He was dealing with it worse than she was.

‘You ok?’ She asked him.

‘Yeah… I’ll be fine.’ He gave her a wobbly smile, ‘It’s just… I’m sad you know. I wish this didn’t have to be the end.’

‘It might not be, don’t worry.’ Ella said, though in her heart of hearts, she knew this _was_ the end for the band. Her gut feeling just told her. Better enjoy it, while she still could. Though she wasn’t as heartbroken as she had expected. She’d seen it coming, had had time to prepare and digest. She was nervous though. Always was. The pre-gig jitters would always be there.

‘Ok. Let’s hug, guys.’ Dave called them together. They always shared a big group hug, pre-gig, to get in the spirit of things. Ella huddled in between Dave and Richard, usually it was Dave who spoke a few words, and he took the lead now as well.

‘Alright. We all know this might be the last gig, for a while, who knows what the future will bring. But let’s make this one bloody special, ok? All our friends and family are out there, let’s get on that fucking stage and make it a night to remember!’  
  
And with that, their little old band walked out, to louder cheers and whistles than they had ever heard at their previous gigs before. Goodbye was sweet. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a shorter one, but it's a calm weekend, so I'll try to update again tomorrow.  
> Thanks for reading!


	23. And Love's Light Blue Led Me To You

It took a few moments for Ella’s eyes to adjust to the dimness of the rest of the bar, blinded by the lights on stage. She adjusted her guitarstrap again, and smiled and waved when she spotted her parents and a few of her siblings. Her two sisters were right there at the front of the stage, on her side, cheering her on along with Sam, her parents and Tobias, one of her brothers, with his girlfriend, a little further in the back.

The band launched itself into _What If_ , one of their original songs, and for a while Ella forgot all about her nerves and how weird this evening felt. Somewhere, far away in the back of her mind, she realized that everything might be the last time. Soon it would be the last time she would play _Fool’s Paradise_ live, the only song she sang shared lead vocals on with Dave. Her song, that she herself had written, in her darkest days, after Kevin died. It held a special place in her heart, but somewhere, deep inside, she was relieved she wouldn’t have to sing it anymore after this. That period of her life seemed more and more in her past, it was time to move on to the present.  
  
Speaking of the present, as they started playing their second song, a cover of _Boys of Summer_ , Ella spotted a lonesome, familiar figure, sitting at the bar, turned in their direction. A sense of déjà vu… Could it be…? But yes, there was no mistaking the posture, the beanie, and the ever present glass of beer in his hand. Ville. He’d actually shown up to watch the gig. How on earth he’d figured out the place and venue, she had no clue, how he got here even less, since none of the other bandmembers seemed around as a chauffeur. But he was there, watching her, lifting her spirits to infinite heights.

\---------

Ville watched from the back of the bar, feeling like an intruder. Everyone seemed to know everyone at the bar, everyone seemed to know the band personally too, and it was strangely intimate seeing a band in the process of breaking up. At least, he guessed they were breaking up. Ella had hinted at it, explaining how everything was up in the air after this gig. But things seemed weirdly emotional on stage, and he got the feeling things were a lot more definitive than she’d let on.  
Ella had spotted him soon enough, breaking out into a huge smile as soon as she saw him. He lifted his glass to her in salute and smiled too. It had been a spur of the moment kind of idea. Why not go see her gig? This evening was important to her, she was important to him. One and one equals two. Granted, the taxi fare here, to a different city, had equaled a lot more than two, but it was all worth it, seeing her shine on stage. Ella looked absolutely spectacular. She had worn the now infamous dress after all, despite her initial doubts, and she seemed to be exuding confidence now, once she was on stage. All her normal insecurities seemed to have instantly disappeared as soon as she had started playing. It suited her well, this confidence. A different woman, suddenly, someone entirely in her own league. He couldn’t help but burst into smile every time she locked eyes with him, and they exchanged smiles and little gestures althrough the next songs.  
It caught the attention of someone else as well, though.

About halfway through the gig, Sam suddenly stood in front of him.

‘Hi!’ She said, slightly shouting to be heard over the music. ‘I was wondering who Ella was smiling at all the time, thought it might be you.’

‘Hey. Yeah. Special evening, their last gig. I figured I should go see it.’

Sam just nodded at his response, and called for the bartender to come over. ‘Can I get you another?’ She asked, gesturing at his almost empty glass.

He nodded his approval, it seemed typically Sam to buy him a drink, instead of the other way around. They’d only met once so far, but he could already tell she wasn’t someone to take much shit from anyone. And like Ella, she wasn’t one to treat him differently from any other people. He took his glass from her, noticing how she had ordered three drinks, and they stood watching the stage for a few moments, before Sam turned towards him again in between two songs.

‘Come join us up front. All Ella’s people are there. I swear we won’t bite.’

Well, he had felt like an intruder, an outsider before, here was his chance to be included. Besides, last time he saw Ella perform, he’d acted like a hermit, lurking in the back, as well. It would be nice to see this gig from up front.  
‘Sure.’ He said, followed Sam through the crowd, carrying one of the drinks for her, until they were a few people back from actually being up front. Two young girls greeted Sam, and looked at him curiously. He thought he vaguely recognized one of them as being Ella’s sister, the rather dolled up red-head. Sam briefly spoke to the girls in German, probably explaining who he was.

‘This is Simone,’ switching to English again, Sam gestured towards the red-haired girl first, and then to young blond girl next to her, ‘and this is Hanna. They’re Ella’s sisters.’

So he had been right about Simone at least. Hanna he hadn’t met before, but he’d heard stories from Ella. Hanna looked rather a lot like a younger, slightly more boyish version of Ella. He could definitely see the resemblance between them.

‘Hi,’ he said, lifting up his hand in a wave to them both in greeting. ‘I’m Ville. Sorry I don’t speak German.’

‘No problem, we know English’ Simone said, before turning back towards the stage again. Ville watched the stage again too, and saw Ella widen her eyes as she spotted him with Sam and her two sisters. As soon as she got the chance though, when the next song was finished, she gave him two thumbs up. Obviously she didn’t mind he was socializing with her family, despite the fact that she always seemed a bit ashamed of their dysfunctional chaoticness.

Simone and Hanna spoke in German in between the next songs, and Ville could tell they were speaking about him, throwing a look in his direction every now and then. Simone was giggling and even rolled her eyes at some point, like a typical teenage girl. Sam noticed too.

‘Don’t mind them. They’re just curious about you.’

‘I don’t mind.’ He said, truthfully. He was used to his fair share of weird looks, back in Helsinki, and Ella’s sisters were probably just curious about him for her sake. Soon, Simone disappeared, off into the crowd, and he caught Hanna looking at him curiously every now and then while Sam danced to the music a little while off. Ella had told him Hanna was rather shy, so he tried to get to know her in between songs.

‘So, you’re Ella’s youngest sister, right?’

‘I am.’

‘Ella told me all about your dog.’

‘Schatzi?’

‘Yeah. I used to have a dog too, but then I became allergic unfortunately.’

Bringing up the dog seemed to break the ice between them, and he spoke with Hanna for a while about all the animals the family owned. A dog, two horses, several barn cats, an aquarium and a terrarium with lizards. Hanna was obviously quite the animal lover.

\-----------

Sam just looked on in amusement, as Ville chatted with Ella’s little sister. He was really making an effort to include her, and she really liked him for it. Hanna was your typical awkward sixteen year old, and even Sam found it difficult to get her talking sometimes. Ville had really risen in her esteem tonight. He had really come through by showing up here tonight, to support Ella and _Love’s Light Blue_. Sam hadn’t thought he would do something like that, go through all the trouble. Maybe she was slightly prejudiced, seeing him only as an international rockstar, even though it had been a really fun evening when they went out for drinks the other night. She hadn’t thought Ville would have much attention for Ella’s trivial little life. But here he was, proving her wrong. It was pretty obvious Ella was falling hard for Ville, and from the looks of it, something mutual was definitely brewing between them… Ella was doing her duet with Dave, the one about Kevin’s death that Sam had dubbed the “weeping song” early on, being notoriously bad at remembering songtitles. Ville seemed absolutely entranced by it, beer held crooked in his hand as he watched Ella on stage. He seemed more and more smitten by the minute. While all Sam could see, was Ella’s old hurt, laid bare before the whole crowd. It made her wonder how much Ville actually knew. She waited until the song ended, and the crowd had stopped cheering, to talk to Ville.

‘She wrote that one all by herself you know.’

‘It’s a wonderful song.’ Ville seemed to check his words quickly, ‘Or wonderful… it sounds beautiful but painful. Like a hypnotic lament.’

So he had caught on more than she realized. ‘It is, she wrote it after Kevin died.’

‘She told me about that. Must have been very dark times for her?’

‘Really bad.’ Sam agreed. Realizing Ville was tentatively trying to find out more about the whole situation and about Ella, she decided to reveal a bit more. He seemed to be a good guy, and into Ella, and if it meant she could urge things on between them… Ella was notoriously silent about these matters, so she had probably kept him pretty much in the dark about Kevin’s death, she rarely went beyond the basic facts.  
‘For a while I thought I would lose Ella as well, after he died, that’s how bad it got. Did she ever tell you what happened exactly?’

‘Just that he died suddenly, from some heart-related defect.’

‘Yes. Tragic part was that it happened right after they finally got together. They’d been twisting and turning around eachother for a year or so, and when they finally gave in… He goes and dies on her a few days into their actual relationship.’

‘Shit.’

Sam could see Ville was actually genuinely shocked by it.

‘Is that why she’s sometimes so…’

‘Frigid?’

‘Not the word I would personally use,’ he laughed a bit, ‘but yeah, perhaps a bit _rigid_ …’  
  
Well, if he wanted to play it down. It was pretty obvious to Sam what he was playing at, obviously Ella had given him the cold shoulder a few times. Call it rigid or frigid, she could be like a clamshell sometimes, shutting people out.

‘I guess it is. Get too close, both emotionally or physically, and she shuts down, runs off. Hell, it took her a year of therapy to feel comfortable enough again for something as simple as giving me or her family a hug…’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one weekend... whew.   
> Hope you all enjoyed it, thanks for reading!


	24. And Our Night Drowns In Gold

Ella was a bit worried at first, when Ville suddenly popped up almost right in front of her, right next to Sam. She just hoped he didn’t feel too uncomfortable, being lured into her little social circle suddenly, and becoming a small center of attention to her sisters. She knew how much he liked lurking in the background, doing his own thing. He seemed comfortable enough though, and in between songs she gave him two thumbs up, getting a salute with his beer back in confirmation. It was wonderful that he was there, but the biggest surprise was seeing him in animated conversation with Hanna a few minutes later. They seemed to hit it off, barely paying attention to the band for a while. Ella didn’t mind one bit, it was good for Hanna to socialize more, and seeing her speak so animatedly to Ville warmed her heart. She wondered what Hanna thought of him, now she had properly met him.

\--------

Soon enough, their show ended, to loud cheers, and after clearing most of their instruments of the small stage, the band spent an emotional half an hour backstage. There was laughter, and also lots of tears shared between them. She’d truly miss these guys. Playing their music, but mostly she would miss their friendship. Surely they’d remain friends, but it would never be as casual as meeting eachother semi-weekly during rehearsals again. But as they all made their way into the bar, it was also a celebration, with champagne waiting for them. A celebration of the good times they had had, and all they had achieved, even if it was just on a small scale.

She was soon swept up in the midst of her family and could do nothing but wave at Ville and Sam, who stood a little distance away, waiting to get to her. As much as she loved her family, she desperately wanted to talk to Ville and Sam, so as soon as her family gave her a bit of breathing room, she rushed over to them.

‘Ella, you were fucking amazing.’ Sam said, before giving her the biggest bear hug imaginable, squeezing all the air out of her lungs. Ville followed Sam’s lead, but he was much more gentle with her, thank god, pulling her into a careful but warm hug.

‘You did amazing, love.’ He spoke closely into her ear, so only she could hear, his deep voice not helping her wobbly knees one bit. She held on to him just a little bit too long, giving him a grateful smile. If anyone knew what a rollercoaster it was to be on stage, it was him. She was still reeling moments later, the combined rush of Ville, adrenalin and champagne keeping her legs in their rubber state. Sam noticed and swept her away, thankfully.

‘Bathroom break?’ She asked, but at the same time took Ella’s arm, starting to guide her away.

‘Will you be ok here for a moment?’ Ella checked with Ville. Her family was still there too, but Sam had probably been a bit of an anchor for him.

‘Sure, I’ll be fine.’ He reassured her, and Ella let herself be guided away by Sam. They were stopped twice on their way to the back, by people wanting a chat with Ella about the show. In the end, she directed Sam to the small backstage area. It had a private bathroom and would be much calmer.

Sam actually went to use the bathroom, while Ella just cooled off her neck and wrists, running them under the cold tap.

‘You ok?’ Sam asked, as she came out of the stall again.

‘Yeah… Just… Overwhelmed, you know.’

‘I can imagine… Last gig… Wow. And with Ville being there as well. Did you know he was gonna be there?’

‘No! I nearly had a goddamn heart attack when I noticed him in the back suddenly.’

Sam laughed, and bumped Ella to the side, so she herself could wash her hands. ‘It’s nice that he showed up.’

‘It is.’ She sighed. ‘He’s wonderful, isn't he?’ 

‘Oh my dear Ella…’ Sam gave her a meaningful look. ‘Did you just maybe, possibly, almost, kind of, perhaps let slip to me that you’re into him? Bravo!’

Ella could only grin stupidly at Sam, not being able to speak coherently at first, bur confirming Sam’s suspicions nonetheless.

‘Did something happen between you two? Did you kiss?!’ Sam was nearly shouting by the time she finished speaking, and Ella was glad they had not gone to the normal ladies room.

‘No! Nothing happened. I’m just… Last weekend was just… We spent a lot of time together, really got to know eachother, deeply you know. We were in bed and..’

‘Wait, what?!’

‘Shush Sam. I told you, nothing happened. He just didn’t want me to suffer another night on the couch, and we were having such meaningful conversations. I think we just spoke until 4 in the morning. And God… It was wonderful…’

‘Why do I sense a ‘but’?’   
  
'I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before Sam. It's killing me... When I’ve only been gone a couple of hours, I'm just craving to see him. And the worst thing is that I know I can't have him.'  
  
‘Is he seeing someone?'  
  
'No. But it just couldn't happen. He doesn't like me in that way.'

‘What makes you so sure about that?’ Sam asked.

‘I mean… come on. The man’s an international rock artist. What the hell could he really, truly see in plain old me?’

Sam winced at Ella’s harsh choice of words. ‘Well… He did show up tonight? And it was pretty obvious he was really happy to see you?’

Ella just shrugged. ‘He’s just… Way out of my league. Whatever there is on my end, we’re just friends. However shit that makes me feel. It’s just friendship. He’s just happy to have someone to befriend while he’s here.’ She took Sam’s hand and tugged her along to the door. ‘I’ll just have to work through it and get over it. Come on.’

\------------

Much to Ella’s surprise, when she returned with Sam, her dad was speaking animatedly to Ville, in his best pidgin English, mixed in with a lot of German words. Her dad was actually responsible for her taste in music, pointing her towards old seventies rock music in her youth and Ella had gone along from there. In return, she pointed out the better present day rock music to him. Her dad wasn’t _that_ into HIM, but he was definitely familiar with their music, and he had a particular love for _Gone With The Sin_ , strangely enough. Apparently Ville had found common ground with her father, as well as with Hanna earlier. She could hear them speaking about Linde’s guitar work, and it amused her that of course her dad would talk to Ville about _another_ bandmember being his favorite.

Ella spoke to her mum and sisters a while, but around 1 AM her mother decided to take ‘the kids’ home, as she said, mostly eyeing Ella’s father. He was still talking to Ville and speaking more German than English now that he’d had a few beers, aided by Ville who kept hopping over to the bar for drinks.

‘Were you boozing up my father?’ Ella asked Ville, once her family had left, and it was just her, Ville and Sam. Paul had also joined them by then, and was dancing with Sam, leaving her unoccupied to talk with Ville.

‘I might have handed him a beer or two, yes.’ Ville laughed. ‘Your father is a jovial guy.’

‘Once he loosens up yeah, which is usually after a few beers. In that aspect he’s much like a Finn.’

They both laughed at that, before Ville took a slightly more serious tone. ‘But honestly, your father seems like a great guy.’

‘Thanks. Could you understand him at all? Because I think he was speaking more German than English at the end?’

‘It’s fine. I got the general gist of it. He seems to know a thing or two about music as well.’

‘Yeah, he taught me all I know. I grew up with his taste in seventies rock, so he did well.’

Strangely, it made Ella feel quite proud of her father that Ville would like him. Somehow it felt important to her that her father knew Ville, liked him as a person and vice versa.

‘I’m gonna call a cab soon, to take me back to Dusseldorf.’

Ella pouted at Ville, though she knew the night had to end soon. The bar was closing at 2 AM anyway and people were leaving, she just didn’t want this night to be over yet.

‘But you’ll come over tomorrow, right?’

‘Tomorrow?’ She was drawing a blank. Had they agreed on plans already and had she forgotten all about them with all the stress of the gig?

‘Yeah, tomorrow. Bam’s coming over to visit?’

‘Right! I remember. It slipped my mind for a moment there.’

‘You’ve really got to meet Bam. He’ll kill me if he doesn’t get to meet you.’

‘You know what, I think I actually have other plans tomorrow…’ Ella said, obviously joking.

‘I don’t want to die so young…’ Ville whined, all the while smirking at her.

Before Ville could say anything else, Sam grabbed Ella’s arm. Apparently she had overheard her conversation with Ville. ‘Ella!’ She hissed in her ear. ‘ _Bam? Meinst du Jackass Bam Margera’ (_ Bam, as in Jackass’ Bam Margera?’)

‘ _Vermute ich?’ (_ I guess?)’

Sam just made a weird ecstatic sound and squeezed her arm again. Ville caught on quickly, catching Sam’s meaning without understanding much of the German.

‘Do you want to come over too, Sam? I think he’s planning on throwing somewhat of a party…?’

‘Somewhat of a party? Hell yeah!’

‘That’s settled then.’ He smirked at Ella, ‘see you girls tomorrow.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	25. Come Bite The Apple And I'll Coil Around Your Heart

'So which one of you is Ella?' Bam shifted his eyes from Sam to her and back to Sam again. Ella raised her hand.   
  
'Nice to meet you.' He shook her hand and pulled her close, in some sort of a bro hug, taking her by surprise.   
  
'And who is this pretty girl?' Bam turned his attention to Sam again, and to Ella’s surprise Sam actually giggled and started to blush, as Bam gave her a hug as well. That was new. Sam filled her in the night before, on their way home from the bar, about how she’d always found Bam an interesting character. And ‘fucking hot’, in her own words. Sam’s initial reaction should have been explanation enough, but Ella hadn’t thought her outgoing, raucous friend would suddenly turn into a shy schoolgirl. That was more her style.   
  
'Don't feel hurt, you're pretty as well.' Bam said, turning to her again. 'So you're Ville's new squeeze?' He teased her, emphasizing the last words.  
  
'Err… No actually.' She simply said, scanning the room. ‘Where is he, actually?’

‘Getting more beer and shit from the other guys' rooms.' Bam moved his head towards the hallway and stepped a bit closer to Sam, focusing his attention on her again. Ella took that as her cue to make herself scarce.

She ran into Mige and Ville in the hallway, lugging two crates of beer towards Ville’s living room, trying to balance them on top of eachother between the two of them

‘Here, I’ll help you.’ Ella said, lifting of one of the crates and carrying it together with Mige, while Ville took the other case of beer. The men were chattering away in Finnish, apparently joking and laughing. Apparently Ville’s living quarters were the gathering point of the night’s party.

'Where were you gonna put all this beer in that small fridge?' She asked  
  
'Bathtub love.' Ville answered in between laughing with Mige.   
_  
Bathtub....? What the fuck..._ When they entered the bathroom she saw the bathtub and the bottom of the shower cubicle were both filled with water and ice cubes. Together they put as many beer bottles as they could in the bathtub and the shower, along with the wine and hard liquor that was already there.

'No baths for you this weekend.' Ella concluded, laughing at the sight of all the booze in the bathtub.

‘That also means no one can pass out drunk in the bathtub in their own vomit tonight,’ Mige said and laughed, before making his way out of the bathroom, leaving her alone with Ville. Ville was still laughing, but soon looked at her earnestly. Ella looked at Ville properly for the first time that evening too. He looked well. He’d shaved of the stubble he’d been sporting recently, and had even ditched the beanie tonight, his slightly curly hair loose and pushed back. He looked more relaxed than she’d seen him look in a long time.

‘Thanks for coming over tonight. I think I could use a bit of your sanity, balancing out the crazy.’ He said, nodding towards the living room, where the noise was picking up now more people were gathering. Ella looked too, but was surprised when Ville pulled her close, drawing her into a warm and tight embrace. She leaned into the hug, savoring the moment of being close to him.

‘No problem,’ she said. This was no problem at all.

\---------

Moment of truth. Susanna’s words reverberated in his mind. _Body language._ Ella seemed at ease tonight, smiling up to him warmly. This was as good a moment as it was going to get, probably. Ville pulled her into a hug, hoping it wasn’t a weird, unnatural move for the moment.   
To his relief, he felt her relax against him, her body loosely against his. It was comfortable. It just fit. They just fit.

He slowly released her, but took her hand instead and guided her towards the livingroom. ‘Here, let me introduce you to everyone.’

\---------

'Let's play strippoker! Mige jumped up suddenly. ‘Ella always loses when we play card games, so it’ll be fun.’ Everyone was pretty intoxicated by then, a few hours into the party. There had been talk of going out into the city, to some bars, but the party had scattered into different parts of Ville’ living quarters and across the other rooms, and everyone seemed content with just staying there and hanging out.  
All the men laughed and Ella gave Mige a mock angry look. 'Haha...how funny. You think you will talk me out of my clothes this way?'  
  
'Prove me wrong.' Again all the guys at the table chuckled, and she decided she would do it, just to prove Mige wrong. They had played other card games together before, but not poker. Little did Mige know, it was the one card game she was good at. Poker face and all.  
  
'Fine. Shall we make a bet out of it then? The person who's the first to lose all of his or her clothes down to underwear, has to go out in the street, still in his or her underwear, and go to the nightshop nearby to buy the corniest porn available.’ That seemed more or less the kind of challenge Mige would accept and love.

‘Ok. It's a deal.' Mige shook her hand, confident he wasn't going to lose. 'You're going down!'

\----------

And what do ya fucking know... 2 hours and many games later Mige was the one in his boxers and one sock, while Ella had only taken off her shoes, socks and blouse, sitting in the basic top she had worn underneath her black blouse that evening. Thank god for layering clothers. Gas was the only one still going along with Mige and her, and he was down to pants only as well. Bam had already stopped playing, and a lot of other people were just looking on.

'Hurry up you guys! I don't want to miss the ending of this.' Sam glanced around the table, an agitated look on her face. She was planning on catching a nightbus home, but at the rate this game had been going, she’d never make it. Mige was sweating, nervous, realizing he had misjudged Ella terribly. She was bluffing now actually, bluffing she had a terrible hand, but Mige didn’t know that. She had great cards. Mige gauged her attitude and poker face, obviously deciding she was seriously feeling nervous about her hand of cards, because he gained in confidence.

Gas was in and showed his cards, a mediocre hand, but slightly better than Mige’s cards. ‘Alright. All or nothing. Are you in, or are you out, Ella?’

She pretended to think for a while, as if doubting. ‘Well… For your honour… Alright. I’m in.’

With a flourish she showed her cards, and Mige…

\----------

Mige was walking down the street in his boxers only a short time later, diligently followed at a distance by a group of rowdy drunk people, a roaring Bam and his film camera included.

‘I don’t think I can watch this,’ Ella said, grabbing Sam’s arm, who was giggling her ass off as well.

Mige reached the night shop, and saluted the group of people trailing behind, making everyone roar with laughter again. Surely they must have woken everyone up in a two-mile radius by then. Mige came out again moments later, holding a very revealing magazine above his head, wearing a proud look on his face and not much else. He kept his cool until they were all nearly back to the studio complex, but when a group of young women came into view, walking towards them, probably on their way back from some bars, he finally caved and ran back into the studio building in a hurry.

\---------

A little while later Ella was sitting on the couch, still wiping the tears away from her eyes as she watched Mige pull his pants back on.

'Bloody hell. That was definitely the funniest thing I've ever seen.' She managed to blurt out after a while. ‘I have to admit though, I could never have looked as cool doing that as you looked.’

‘Well thanks babe. Glad to be of service.’ Mige said, before plopping down on the couch next to her and Linde. They spoke for a while, until Sam appeared and sat on the armrest next to Ella, leaning over her.

'I'm heading home now. I have to catch that last bus. IF I make it that is.'

'Why don't you just stay here for the night. I'm sure you can crash on a couch somewhere.' Mige offered, but before Sam could even think about what he had said, a reeling Bam came walking up to her, hooking an arm around her shoulder.

'Aw don’t tell me you’re leaving. You can always come stay with me. Hotel’s not far off.' He said, slightly lisping. Immediately Ella saw Sam's face brighten.

'Ok.' She said, without any hesitation, her mind made up.

‘Awesome. I’m sure we can figure out some sleeping arrangements.’

Bam now fully wrapped his arm her, and trailed off, taking her with him. Sam looked over his shoulder at Ella and gave her a meaningful look, wiggling her eyebrows. If only she herself could be so careless and easygoing, she was jealous of Sam’s spontaneous view on life sometimes.

'Do you think they'll really end up in bed together tonight, somehow?' She asked Linde.

He nodded. 'Knowing Bam, definitely.' 

'Isn't he with Nikki anymore?'

'I think they broke up a while ago. But I don't know much about it. You should ask Ville, he’ll know.'

She thought for a while. 'Sam has always had the hots for Bam.' She chuckled, remembering Sam’s reaction the night before, and her ecstatic mood on the way here.

'Well, from what I've seen tonight, it's quite mutual.'

'I just hope she doesn't do anything stupid.'

'Like what?' Linde just stared at her blankly. ‘They’re both adults…’

'Like get pregnant. We don't want a little Sam just yet. And not a little Bam either... It will be ADHD times two.'

\---------

Mige left at some point, and Ella had been talking to Linde for quite a while, who was one of the only people still talking coherently, when Novak suddenly came diving over the back of the couch, almost kneeing her in the process, landing on the floor with a loud thud, only barely missing the coffee table littered with empty bottles.

He groaned in pain and lifted his head from the floor.

'You two fuckers aren't even drunk yet!'

'Says who?' Ella was at least feeling nicely tipsy.

'I do. Do you know where Bam is by the way? I looked for him everywhere...'

Ella gave Linde a meaningful look before answering. 'I think he has uh.... left with Sam. If you get what I mean.'

'Oooh...' Novak gave you both a theatrically mischievous look. 'I see. I’ll leave them alone for Sam's sake.'

'Please do. If you bother them I'll shove a bottle up your ass or something.'

'I promise. Now...won’t you two come join us drinking?'

She and Linde followed Novak and saw pretty much everyone had gathered around the table, except for the people that had gone to their rooms early or were already passed out somewhere.

Everyone had formed in a large circle around the table, some were playing cards, some just sitting there talking and drinking in small clusters. It was strange, and unlike her, but Ella felt really comfortable with this odd group of people, some of whom she barely knew. For once, she had felt included right away, and she was really enjoying herself. There weren't any chairs left, so Ella got herself another drink and finally leaned into Ville’s chair with her hip. He was visibly drunk as well, swinging back and forth in his seat and gesticulating wildly as he told some stories about when Bam and his crew had joined them on tour in the US. The conversation moved on, and he settled down again, noticing her looking at him. He held out the bottle of Jack Daniels he had been drinking.

‘I’ll empty this first if you don’t mind.’ She said. Ville just smiled at her and finally carried on listening to the conversation, content smile still plastered on his face, probably lost in his own happy, drunken thoughts.

\---------

Finally he knew. He’d get her drunk again. Just a tiny bit more drunk. He wasn’t taking advantage, or anything like that. He could never. But it had worked like a charm the other day, to loosen her up. She actually seemed pretty relaxed now too, leaning into his chair and giving him a happy smile. He tried handing over his bottle of Jack to her, realizing too late she actually had a drink already.

‘I’ll empty this first, if you don’t mind.’   
  
Not at all, as long as she stayed here, near him. He sat there smiling stupidly to himself, enjoying the evening, realizing belatedly there was another way to move this forward. His intoxicated brain had a hard time catching up to what had been his intentions tonight. He turned to Ella again, still leaning against the chair, and grabbed her by the hip, pulling her into his lap.

‘Thanks, I was getting tired of just standing around.’

‘No problem.’ He eyed her drink again. It looked suspiciously non-alcoholic. ‘What are you even drinking?’

‘Just some coke.’ She answered. ‘I was feeling a bit tired so I figured I could use some plain old sugar, but it’s honestly boring me to death.’

Well, that was easily solved. He uncapped his bottle of jack again, and poured a healthy dose of it in her glass. She giggled, but let him, and actually leaned back into him when she focused on the conversation again. He had a hard time focusing however, feeling the heat of her body, through his shirt. The livingroom had gotten pretty warm, with all the people crowding inside, and she hadn’t bothered to put her blouse back on after the already infamous game of strip poker, now only wearing a thin-strapped top. He savored the feeling of her body leaning into his, her heat, her scent. The look of her bare shoulders and slender neck. Her long blonde hair tickled his face every now and then, every time she shook her head, as she told Raab about how she had first gotten involved with HIM. He listened to how she told the story, thinking back of that night as well. He’d been in such a different place back then, mentally. It had been such a dark period in his life. A surreal evening as well. He hadn’t thought he’d actually ever see that woman again, that kind girl who led him around a strange, unknown city at night. Just look at them now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooooooh things are moving along... 
> 
> (Also, I have NO CLUE about playing poker. Hope it wasn't too inaccurate)
> 
> Thanks for reading once again :)


	26. Come Hither And We'll Fall

  
As she finished relaying the story of how she had first met the band, there was a slight lull in the conversation, as it moved on towards different subjects. Behind her, she could feel Ville shift. He sat up straighter, leaning against her, whispering softly in her ear so only she would hear.

‘I’m glad I met you that evening.’

‘Me too.’ She answered, truthfully. Whatever might develop between them, she savored the friendship they had shared so far. She was in a better place since she’d met him, a better person, and she was grateful for that. Behind her she heard Ville exhale and sit back again, and she suddenly realized how uncomfortable he must be.

‘Shit, am I crushing you? Do you want me to get up?’

‘It’s fine love. You’re not heavy at all.’

She could only hope he was telling the truth. She finished her drink, and was immediately offered the bottle of Jack Daniels again by Ville. Now having quite a nice buzz going on, she gratefully took the bottle from him. After the beer earlier in the evening, the whiskey was a nice change, the taste of it honeylike, smoky and full. She took a few sips in quick succession, enjoying the liquid sensation of the whiskey making its way down her throat, warming her core even more.

‘Alcoholic.’ She heard Ville say from behind her. He took the bottle from her again and nearly emptied the last third of it in half a minute.

‘You’re one to talk.’ She chuckled. He handed her the bottle again, only a few sips left.   
  
'You finish it.' His words were slightly slurred, edging her on. She wanted that same kind of buzz, so she did as she was told and sighed deeply after, feeling the immediate effect now she had drunk a good amount of whiskey.

‘You drunk?’ He asked.

‘A bit. Not that drunk yet.’

'Wow. You can really hold your booze,' he patted her head, slightly messing up her hair, making her laugh again. 'Sure you're not from Finland?'

'I wish I was.'

It remained silent for a while until Ville shifted again behind her, slightly pushing her up.

‘Let me get up for a second.’

She got up and watched him trod off, his slim figure swaying slightly, but only ever so slightly. Where on earth does he leave all that alcohol, she thought to herself. He’d been drinking significantly more than she had been drinking, finishing off almost that entire bottle of Jack Daniels from what she’d seen, but he seemed far from being drunk off his rockers. She’d have to stop drinking soon, or she _would_ be too drunk to function. Saying she hadn’t been that drunk had been a bit of a white lie.

But before she knew it, she had another full glass in her hand, courtesy of Ville, who had concocted some sort of weird looking drink and brought it over to her.

‘What’s this?’

‘It’s the official Love Metal Drink. Courtesy of doing a Jagermeister tour once.’

She gave the weird looking substance a doubtful look and smelled it. It smelled as weird as it looked, looking very similar to eggnog, but she could vaguely make out the scent of jagermeister and orange juice. She took a small sip and found out it actually tasted quite nice. Creamy yet spicy. She took a bigger sip, to get a better taste of what was in it, and realized the drink was also pretty heavily alcoholic, the sensation of burning in her throat again.

‘What’s in it?’

‘Chef’s secret. But you are now officially part of the super secretive HIM tribe.’

\----------

More and more people started to leave soon, until it was only herself, Ville, Linde, Raab and Novak left.

Ella was sitting cross-legged on the couch near a passed out Novak, who groaned every now and then. Slightly worried, she’d checked on him before, together with Linde, who assured her he would be fine in the morning after he slept this off, he always was fine. Linde himself seemed to be completely sober still, though she had seen him drinking. Maybe it just outed itself in even more spirituality, because they were currently deep into a conversation about Buddhists’ stance on life and death. He seemed a truly wise man, a gentle soul, and she loved just talking to him. He was like a wise, older brother, teaching her about different viewpoints in life. Their spiritual talk was interrupted by Ville, who saw down next to her, handing Ella her glass once more, which was miraculously full again.

'No Ville. I've had enough for tonight.'

'Come on...just drink it.'

'No.'

'Drink itttt....' He talked to her as if she was a small child, having to take a spoonful of food.

'Are you trying to get me drunk Mr. Valo?'

He gave her a mischievous smile.

'Perhaps. Who knows.’

Despite his pushiness, she had to laugh, and indulged him one small sip.

'There. Happy?'

'Yes. You just made my life worth living.'   
On her other side, she could hear Linde snort, but her attention was focused on Raab, who came stumbling back from the toilet. He spotted a passed out Novak on the floor and scratched his head at the sight.

‘I think I’ll take Novak back to the hotel.’

'Wow that's nice.' She laughed. 'Everyone else just left him.'

'Yeah well. I'm just that nice.'

‘Sure you’ll be alright getting him back?’

‘Yes mum.’ He answered, but she knew there was no disrespect there, he knew she meant well.

Together with Raab and Linde she helped pick Novak up from the floor, getting him to lean on Raab as they made their way towards the door. Next to her, Linde yawned.   
‘I’m gonna head off too.’

Just before he headed out, he turned towards her.

‘Will you be alright with Mr. boozy there?’ He nodded towards Ville, who was still sitting on the couch, drumming on his legs to some random song that was playing in the background.

‘Sure. It’ll be fine.’

‘Listen…’ He paused for a moment, weighing his words. ‘Don't let Ville drink any more. He might not seem that out of it, but he can sometimes be a bit of a handful if he truly goes on a bender. Just… yell if you need anything. I’ll be up for a little while longer.’  
  
'Ok. Will do. Thanks Linde.' 

\-----------

She turned around to the sound of bottles being shoved around on the coffee table. Ville was checking them all, to see if there was anything left. He knocked over a few in the process, and she decided she might as well clear up some of the mess that was there anyway. It might make life a hell of a lot easier in the morning.   
Now they were both shuffling bottles, Ville sorting through what was empty and full, Ella clearing away whatever he rejected, bringing empty bottles and glasses to the kitchen. Once Ville realized what she was doing, he protested.

‘Hey. Stop that. We’ll clean up tomorrow.’ He pulled at her hip, and with her boozy stance, she lost her balance and landed half against him on the couch, where he kept her locked with one arm slung over her shoulder.

Well, at least that stopped him from drinking anymore, and she wouldn’t have to confront him overtly about it. Linde’s words had worried her a bit, if she was totally honest. Ville seemed far from a violent man, but she _had_ seen a somewhat sadistic side to him before after he’d been drinking. She remembered that one evening he’d seemed angry at the whole world and acted frustratingly petulant, but back then he’d been in a bad mood to start with. He seemed the polar opposite now though, if she was being honest. Totally relaxed, humming along to some Type O Negative song she thought she recognized as _Summer Breeze_ playing in the background. She wasn’t too familiar with the band, but she knew her basics and knew Ville really loved them.

‘ _Summer Breeze_ , right?’ She asked, which he confirmed.

‘Well done you. I’ve been teaching you well.’ He paused for a moment, before adding as an afterthought. ‘Do you know they actually made a different version of this song, which was much more explicit?’

‘Why doesn’t that surprise me…’

‘It starts innocent enough. _The jasmine’s in bloom_ , versus _her love is in bloom_. But just listen.’

He waited until the song progressed, already snickering when he pointed out which part of the song she had to pay attention to.

‘ _See her smile lead me to the bedroom, fire burning and there’s wine for two_.’

‘Well, that could be just a HIM song,’ she interjected. But quickly changing her opinion when he actually chimed in, dubbing over the next lyrics, even though he could barely contain his own giggling.

‘ _Feel your legs spreading out to take me, just can’t wait to get inside you._ ’

‘Oh! That’s absolutely shameless!’

She pushed away from Ville in shock, and he laughed full-out now, seeing her shocked face, a blush inevitably rising up her neck and to her cheeks. Ville laughed even harder, pointing out her flaming cheeks. He was just as shameless for singing something like that to her one on one and she understood why he’d been laughing so hard already.

‘That’s Peter Steele for ya. Making innocent girls blush since 1991.’

~~~~~~~~~~~

_For those interested, here’s the Love Metal drink. Supposedly created by Ville/HIM for some Jagermeister promotion they did back in the olden days (ca. 2003-2004?). Recipe found online and saved to my computer in only slightly less olden days ;)_

_2cl Jägermeister  
  
2cl Coffee Liqueur_

_1cl Lemon juice_

_Orange juice_

_Ice_   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading once again and for the comments!


	27. I'll Kiss That Smile Of Your Face, Just Say When

‘Strange how silent it is. How calm the night ended…’ Ville mused, after they had sat in relative silence for another while. They’d been listening to another song, something calm and very nineties sounding, but when Ville pointed it out, she suddenly realized it too. It was amazing everyone had actually cleared out sort of on time, and they were left with peace and quiet.

‘Normally there would always be Bam, or some of his guys crashing in my hotelroom. Or the bathtub.’

‘I’m pretty sure there’s still ice in the bathtub…’

‘Oh trust me, that won’t stop most of them from sleeping in the tub…’

From what she’d seen of Bam and his crew so far, that seemed more than true.

‘Well, Bam is uh… otherwise occupied tonight.’

‘He sure is. Thank God.’ After struggling a bit, Ville got up from the couch. ‘Be right back.’

Ella watched as he left, bumping into the couch in the process of leaving and almost bumping into one of his guitars that stood near the door to the bathroom. Perhaps he was more drunk than he let on. She definitely was.

\----------

It wasn’t until Ville came back holding yet another bottle in his hand, that she realized he hadn’t gone to the bathroom to pee, or out to the balcony to smoke or for fresh air perhaps, but to get some more booze. Vodka this time. The man just never stopped. It worried her, how much he drank sometimes, and she couldn’t help but think back of Linde’s words. Deciding in her drunken haze that she had to be the responsible adult here, she jumped up and took the bottle from his hands before he could unscrew it.

‘Oh no you don’t. I think you’ve had enough, don’t you? You bumped into every piece of furniture on your way to get this.’

Ville just made some tutting noises, trying to take the bottle from her, but it was easy to dodge his grabbing hands.

‘Why…’ He whined, ‘I’m thirsty…’

‘Drink some water then.’

‘But I want _that_.’ He said, pointing to the bottle in her hands. ‘There’s water in that.’

‘No.’ She said again, plain and simple.

‘I’ll just have to come get it then.’ He said, walking towards her, apparently trying to look menacing, but failing completely. Ella laughed and dodged him, circling the couch.

‘Won’t let you have it.’

Ville laughed now too, and obviously accepted the challenge, because he quickly flew at her, as she tried dodging him repeatedly, laughing hysterically, circling the couch and coffee table a couple of times. Both being drunk, they were constantly bumping into things and knocking bottles over, creating a hell of a lot of noise.

‘Ow, fuck!’ Ella yelled, as she bumped her shin into the coffeetable, trying to get away from a laughing Ville still chasing her.

Almost immediately there was a knock at the door. Since she was most near the door, and had an inkling who it might be, Ella opened the door. Sure enough, it was Linde.

‘Are you ok? He asked, only paying attention to her, and she knew exactly what he meant with _ok_. ‘I heard some noise?’

‘Yeah everything’s alright.’ She assured him. ‘Just playing around. We knocked some stuff over.’

Linde looked from her to Ville, who could still barely contain his laughter, she could hear him snickering behind her. Giving her one last intent look, Linde mouthed ‘alright’, and Ella closed the door behind him as he went back to his own apartment again. 

\---------

Ville saw his chance, quickly taking the bottle from Ella’s hands, while she stood mulling over Linde’s appearance.

‘Gotcha.’

‘No! That’s unfair!’  
  
Ville quickly moved away, but not fast enough, giving Ella the chance to reach him again and hook her arms around him, trying to wrestle the vodka from his hands. Ville took his chance, and actually held on to her arms, holding her there as he swung around, making them both lose their balance in the process. Ella felt herself topple over, but was unable to regain her balance, and crashlanded on top of Ville on the floor, who quickly turned the situation around and knocked her over again, so she was underneath him. She was still half-heartedly tugging at the bottle, until she saw the expression in his eyes. The laughing stopped, and she finally let go, caught in his green eyes, slowly moving closer to hers.  
His soft, warm lips gently met hers, a feather light touch, resting on hers ever so slightly. Too shocked to respond, she froze. Ville was already pulling away, and she saw the embarrassment and pain in his eyes. She was letting the moment slip away.

‘No…’ She whispered, quickly lifting her head so she met Ville’s lips again in their retreat, placing a hand on the back of his neck to pull him back down.

Now it took him a while to respond, dropping the bottle to the floor finally, letting it roll off, finally being forgotten. She heard and felt him inhale when he grabbed onto her more tightly. Their kiss deepened, became more urgent, and she opened her mouth to his, his tongue carefully finding hers, discovering her. She was utterly lost. All she could think and feel was Ville, his lips on hers, the presence of him surrounding her. The sensation so overwhelming she was seeing stars. He let go of her, placing both his arms besides her head, staring down at her. She was enveloped in a prison of him, his green eyes all she could see.

‘You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that already…’ He finally said, sighing more than speaking. That deep voice rolling over those soft, full lips. The lips she had just kissed… She couldn’t help herself, and lifted her hand to touch his lips.

‘Same here.’

He gave her the most joyful smile, and she expected him to kiss her again, but to her surprise he just lay down next to her on the ground, cuddling up next to her and playing with her hair, as _The Crystal Ship_ by The Doors started playing.

_Before you slip into unconsciousness,_

_I’d like to have another kiss._

_Another flashing chance at bliss,_

_another kiss, another kiss._

The soft, lingering melody, and Jim Morrison's beautiful, soothing voice and lyrics enchanted the situation even further. It was the ultimate song for the moment, blissful and bizarre in its dreamlike state, and she felt her most inner soul relax, slumbering in this ultimate state of happiness. The confusion and denial finally over. She just knew Ville was hearing it and feeling it as well, taking in the song and the moment as much as she was. It was too peaceful, her mind finally completely at rest with him, and the sensation of him playing with her hair utterly relaxing; she found herself yawning lazily.

‘Come on,’ he softly whispered, smiling at her blissful yet mellowed-out look. She let him help her up, gratefully taking his hand as he led her to the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A nice little Christmas present for you readers :) 
> 
> Merry Christmas everyone!


	28. Open Your Arms And Let Me Show You What Love Can Be Like

  
For once in this goddamn time. If only life could let her sleep in once. Now she was sleeping in, calmly, peacefully, for the first time in months, and some goddamn asshole is at the door. Some _jackass_ , probably. The insisted droning from the buzzer continued. Shorts bursts and long drawls, endlessly repeating. Ella groaned and felt someone stir next to her. Ville.

‘What the fuck is that… morse code?’ He grumbled, getting up out of the bed. At the same time, a mobile phone started ringing, probably his. By the time he’d located it, Ella was fully awake too.

‘What.’ Ville barked into the phone. The buzzing at the door momentarily stopped, replaced by someone chattering on the phone. Ella could hear it was Bam, but she couldn’t quite make out the words.

‘Yeah. Just give me a minute. Just… stop pressing the damn buzzer.’  
  
Ville hung up and sat down on the bed again, rubbing his face and groaning. Apparently Ella was not the only one who felt hungover. She looked at his hunched over frame, yesterday’s clothes disheveled on his body. Both of them had only bothered to kick of their shoes before they got into bed. Too tired and drunk to do anything else.

‘Bam?’ She asked, just to confirm her suspicions.

‘Satan.’

Despite her hangover, she had to laugh, making Ville smile at her reaction. He patted her leg through the blanket.

‘Stay here. I’ll try to get rid of him as soon as possible. Fucking 8 AM.’

Ella listened with half an ear when Ville finally buzzed Bam up. She tried to sleep again, but it was pretty much impossible with doors that were far from soundproof.   
There was banging again, followed by a ‘Wille Walo!’ and some other excited exclamations. Somewhere in between, she could hear Sam’s voice too, so she figured she’d better get out of bed as well and go to her friend. Not before she had a quick shower though, because she felt absolutely filthy. She’d slept in her clothes too, and she could smell a nauseating mixture of old perfume, whiskey, beer, cigarette smoke and sweat. Not good in a hungover state.

\--------

Once in the shower, her mind started racing. She hadn’t really been able to gauge Ville’s mood from the minute she’d seen him, except for the fact he’d obviously been hungover as well. Did he remember what happened last night? Worse, what if he regretted it? He was probably kicking his own brain in right now, about leading her on, giving her the wrong idea. And she’d let herself be led on like some little girl…   
Stop. What was she even thinking. Even if he regretted it, or changed his mind… Ville was not someone to just… lead her on. Right? And it was undeniable he’d been increasingly flirty with her the last few times they’d seen eachother. Or had she read that wrong? Was that just his personality with everyone he got to know? Especially when drunk? He’d been hanging around Bam’s neck earlier on in the evening too, looking very… _gay_ , in both senses of the word. Was she making it out into more than it truly was…? This… kiss. Just a kiss. Happens all the time, right? People kiss all the time, for no reason. But truthfully… It was never just a kiss for her.

\--------

She would never figure it out until she faced him. Finally walking out into the livingroom was nerve-wrecking. Ville locked eyes with her, but looked away again immediately, focusing on Bam again. She couldn’t make out anything from that one look. The scent of coffee from the kitchen was too tempting, and she went to get a cup before she sat down in the livingroom with the others. Soon she realized Bam and Sam seemed to be in the same kind of predicament, but where Sam seemed to be avoiding Bam’s eyes, Bam was actually looking at her completely lovestruck all the time.

‘There she is.’ Bam exclaimed when Ella sat down on the couch, and for a moment she was afraid Ville had spilled the beans to them already. She desperately wanted to figure things out without everyone knowing. Thankfully, Bam was talking about much more trivial matters. ‘I wanna skate today, maybe film some stuff. Sam here told me about some fun places, but I figured you might have some good ideas as well..’

They talked for a while about places to possibly skate and film, and Ella noticed Ville made himself scarce after a few minutes. Not much later she heard the shower running. He had looked mightily disheveled as well, unsurprising, giving the fact he’d had way much more to drink than she had. Bam and Sam looked ecstatic and wide awake though. When Bam started talking to someone on the phone, Ella grabbed her chance, speaking to Sam in German.

‘Are you alright?’

‘Fine. Just tired.’ Sam widened her eyes like an owl. ‘We were up all night, didn’t sleep at all.’

‘Yeah I was already wondering why on earth Bam would be banging on the door at 8 in the morning… What an ungodly hour.’

‘Sorry.’ Sam grinned, obviously not really feeling sorry.

‘Wanna join me to get some breakfast? There’s a coffee place not far from here. We could get some sandwiches and stuff to go. And catch up…’ She added as an afterthought.

Sam agreed, and after telling Bam, they walked over to the little breakfast café nearby, taking their time so they had time to talk.

‘So did you and Bam….?’

‘Yeah… It was awesome, Ella.’ Sam said, sighing to herself. ‘He’s so much fun. I had _such_ a great time last night. ’

‘I sense a massive but? Gravity is suddenly pulling at your face Sam.’

‘But…’ She stopped for a moment and actually let out a scream. ‘Argh. He’s just too wonderful, but tonight is probably all it is. I wish last night never had to end, but he has to leave tomorrow, and… I could fall head over heels for him, but it could just never work out, you know?’

‘Oh, I know. I know exactly how you feel.’ Ella answered, truthfully, thinking back to their conversation in the ladies room two nights ago. ‘Though I have to take back some of what I said to you a while ago…’

It took a few seconds before the penny dropped and Sam understood. ‘Wait… Do you mean…?’

She could do nothing but smile at Sam, who stopped her in the middle of the street.

‘What are you saying, Ella?’’

‘I’m saying that... Things might be a bit more mutual than I thought.’

‘Óh! Tell me all!’

\--------

Ella told Sam everything, and thankfully it took a while before they got their whole order from the breakfast café, because they had much to talk about. What had happened exactly, but Ella could also share her doubts and insecurities, about whether or not Ville actually shared their feelings. Revealing to Sam she hadn’t exactly spoken to Ville yet, which finally made her feel appropriately guilty for waking Ella and Ville up together with Bam. And Sam spoke a bit more about her night with Bam as well, and her feelings for him. Ella realized those feelings had quickly developed overnight into something much deeper than either of them had anticipated. It seemed all four of them had some figuring out to do.

Ella and Sam took sandwiches and some sweet specialties back to the apartment, much to Bam and Ville’s appreciation. They all enjoyed their breakfast, making smalltalk together, and Ella was happy the tension had gone a bit. It was pretty obvious Bam and Sam were pretty into eachother, and they seemed to accept it more and more, falling back into their natural state of flirtatious spontaneity towards eachother. Now all that was left, was for her to talk to Ville. He was looking devastatingly attractive, wet hair tied up into a small bun, a day’s old stubble on his chin. She did her best not to stare, and was equal parts relieved and scared when Bam and Sam left them alone for a while after breakfast, till the other guys woke up and they would meet up to skate and film.

Once the door shut behind Sam and Bam, Ella’s heart rate shot up, tension in the air. Ville sat down on the opposite end of the couch, giving her a curious look.

‘Hi’. He finally said, as if they’d just met for the first time that morning.

She almost visibly squirmed with nerves over the confrontation. Moment of truth.

‘Hello.’ She responded, her voice cracking on that one stupid word.

‘How are you feeling?’

‘I’m fine. Terribly hungover, but fine.’

‘I mean uh…’ It wasn’t until then that she realized he’d been asking an entirely different question than the trivial ‘how are you’. 

‘Do you remember…. About last night?’

Of course she fucking remembered… How could she ever forget… But did he remember as well? Or was he asking her?

‘Yes. Do you remember?’

His eyes roamed the room, until they landed on the vodka bottle, now kicked into the corner. ‘Oh I definitely remember. How could I ever forget about _that_ , love?’

‘You mean you don’t uh… regret it?’

‘Regret it?’ He scooted closer then, gently stroking some hair away from her face. ‘Ella, I meant what I said…’

_You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that…_

When she lifted her eyes up to him he moved forwards and kissed her again, ever so gently. Just a light peck on the lips, but it took away some of her doubts.

‘I was afraid you might not… Might have done it on a whim.’ She admitted. Sensing her insecurity, Ville pulled her closer, using two hands now, to cup either side of her face, so she couldn’t look away again.

‘Darling. I would never _just_ do that on a whim. Not to you. But… Do you regret it?’

He took a page from her book and looked away insecurely as well, after he’d asked.

‘Ville…’ She whispered. Unable to properly speak, she did the only thing she could think of, the only thing she had truly wanted to do all morning. She kissed him again. Kissed him with every feeling she held in her heart, everything she had been missing, everything she had longed for, kissed him as if it was the last kiss they would ever share.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wheeeeew three updates in one week. Maybe being in lockdown has its upsides after all ;) 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	29. It Doesn't Have To Make Any Sense At All

‘Is it just me, or do you feel like a bloody fucking kindergarten teacher as well?’ Ella muttered under her breath, directing her words at Sam, next to her. They both looked over their shoulder simultaneously at the group of more or less sane men following them. At least half of them were running around and jumping on and off things, either with a skateboard or without. They were on their way to the next location they had “scouted” together with Bam, to film some shots of him skating.   
Ella had to admit, it was fun to see, but it was also an exhausting afternoon, after a short, drunken night. Where Bam got all the energy he apparently still had, she would never understand. According to Sam they hadn’t slept _at all_ , which would explain why they were on Ville’s doorstep horribly early. Speaking of Ville, she caught his eye as she looked back at the group of men, and he gave her a quick smile before turning his attention to Bam again. Everything was so bloody new and exciting, every time their eyes crossed, her heart would just flutter. It was exciting, fun, and also slightly scary, and somewhere in the back of her mind, Ella was happy they spent this “day after” amongst casual friends, so it wouldn’t be too overwhelming or charged between them.

\--------

‘So, did you nail the chick or not?’   
  
Ville just let out a heavy sigh, hoping Bam would understand the silent hint. Bam actually hit him in the arm rather hard, and got the response he wanted.

‘Ow, Bam, what the fuck.’

‘Come on Ville. Spill. It’s pretty obvious you’re smitten with her.’

Shit. He’d hoped he’d gotten away without an interrogation, when Bam neglected to ask him about Ella in the morning. He’d been too busy gushing about Sam to actually notice Ville and Ella, or so Ville had thought.

‘I didn’t _nail_ her, as you so eloquently put it.’

‘Fuck her then?’

‘Quit being an asshole Bam.’

‘But did you?’

‘No!’

'But you're into her?'

Their conversation drew attention, because Mige walked near them and Ville could almost visibly see Mige’s ears perk up. He slowed his pace, and when Bam followed, he put a bit more distance between them and the rest of the group.

He looked into Bam's eyes and noticed the tell-tale mischievous sparks in them were missing. The sparks in his eyes usually told him whether or not Bam was serious or just messing around.

'Was that a serious question Bam? Or are you still fooling around?'

This time Bam rolled his eyes. 'Well… _Someone_ is serious today... Fucking hell...But I'm not messing around anymore, I really, as a friend, want to know.'

Ville loitered a bit more, before responding. It was one thing to admit it to himself, another to say it out loud.   
‘I guess I am falling for her.' He rolled his eyes then. 'Who am I kidding. Fell, hard. No stopping it now. I tried to push it away, but, you know… I’m a sappy bastard.

‘Why would you want to stop it?'

‘Well, just… What if this really turns into something. She’s here, I would be in Finland or halfway across the globe… Do we really want to get into this?’

'At least you're gentlemanly enough to think about something like that.'

He noticed Bam had some sort of sadness over him as he said this. 'You're talking about Sam?'

'Yeah. Speaking of being smitten. I fucking love that woman…’

It was amazing how fast Bam moved, how quickly he apparently figured out his feelings for people. Figuring out you love someone. Quite often it all seemed black and white for Bam. Either you love someone, or you don’t. Ville envied him that, sometimes.

‘I liked her more than I expected. But normally I never think about the consequences of being thousands of miles away. But I’m feeling bummed about that now, dude…’ 

\----------

They reached another square, with an adjoining park, and Ella looked at the men in Bam’s crew skating and filming. She’d wandered off a bit to a grassy spot, on her own, and sat down, looking on from a distance. Her eyes immediately drifted to Ville, who was standing near Novak, talking and laughing. All day her emotions had gone all over the place. First, she’d been euphoric with joy. Kissing Ville, and actually having her feelings reciprocated it seemed. But as the day waned on, the purely euphoric feelings had made way, in part, to more doubt, to guilt as well. Was she doing the right thing, pursuing these feelings? Things could become… difficult, so quickly. And was she even ready for this, truly ready? Until a few months ago she had still been so hung up on Kevin, their relationship, his death. Was this moving on? Was she? Or was she moving too quickly? She knew what Sam would say. That it was about goddamn time, it had been long enough. But she couldn’t fully agree with that sentiment. All day she had suddenly seen or heard things that reminded her of Kevin. Sam ordering the same pastry he always ordered from the café. Walking by the building he used to work at. She might be imagining it, focussing on it too much, but it sure as hell felt like there were more of these signs than she usually saw. And it made her feel guilty. But most of all, it made her feel scared. Scared to dip into these feelings again. What would it do to her? And what if something similar happened to Ville, like what happened to Kevin? She’d admit to these feelings, commit to this relationship, if she could already call it that, and off he goes and dies on her. She couldn’t possibly go through that again. And what if that meant she was the instigator? The one stable factor in all the sorrow? What if his heart gave out as well, for some stupid reason? Ville told her he was asthmatic, after all…

She saw Linde making his way over towards her, and plastered a smile across her face, momentarily barring all her doubts inside.

‘Hey.’

‘Mind if I join you on this lovely green patch of grass?’ Linde asked.

‘Not at all.’

Linde dropped himself down next to her, and immediately lay down on his back, arms crossed, supporting his head, letting out a satisfied grunt as his body rested.

‘God I needed this.’

‘What?’

‘Sunshine, springtime and some quiet relaxation.’ He mused, and Ella laughed to herself. Seems she wasn’t the only one who found this weekend with Bam overwhelming. She got the idea that Linde had an inkling of what was going on between Ville and her, but thankfully he didn´t ask, didn´t put her on the spot. They spoke for a while, but the conversation gradually fell silent as they both lounged on the grass. Sighing to herself she dropped herself backwards as well, mirroring Linde’s position. It was lovely outside, not too warm and not too cold, the sun was shining, and huge white clouds floated across the sky. It was the first really mellow day of spring, and she really enjoyed being outdoors for it. Despite all her worrying, the lack of sleep caught up with her, and she nearly felt herself drifting off.

Nearly… Because not before long something blocked her sunlight, effectively blocking the warmth as well. For a moment she feared it was Bam, about to pull some prank on her, but when she opened her eyes she only saw Ville, leaning over her, scrutinizing her.   
  
‘Thought you were asleep.’ He said.

‘I very nearly was.’ She admitted sheepishly, sitting up a bit. ‘What’s up?’

‘Not much,’ Ville said, looking over at the men on the square, still skating. ‘I was getting a bit bored, figured I’d wander around the neighbourhood a bit. Care to join me?’

Ella looked over at Linde, who was texting on his phone, but gave them both a meaningful look. ‘Go ahead,’ he said, ‘I’m gonna give Maija a call soon anyway.’

Ville helped her up, and they walked through the park at first, looking at Bam doing a trick every now and then. Ella gave a quick wave at Sam, who was cheering Bam on.

‘Do you have work tomorrow?’ Ville asked after a while. The question seemed casual, and he’d asked it nearly every week he’d been here, but this week the simple question felt different. Something was on his mind.

‘Yes… I’ve got the 7 AM shift this week, unfortunately.’ She admitted, ‘I’m not looking forward to that.’

‘So you’re not staying over tonight?’

‘Don’t think you would appreciate being woken up by my alarm at 05.30 in the morning…’

He showed her a disgusted face. ‘Hmm… No.’

They walked on, exiting the park, making their way down an adjoining street.

‘It’s a shame we won’t get to see eachother much during the week, we uh… we fly out to Finland next weekend actually.’

‘What?’ Ella blurted out, before she could stop herself. ‘Wait, are you done recording?’

‘Not even close, thank God.’ Ville chuckled and gave her a cheeky look. ‘That’ll be a few weeks yet. We just have to arrange some stuff back in Finland. A bunch of meetings and some promo work and shit. I hate having to interrupt the recording process but apparently there were some things Seppo just couldn’t push back.’

‘Well, that sucks. Way to ruin a creative process.’

‘Exactly.’

Their fingers brushed against eachother, and again a few steps later, and she realized Ville was doing it on purpose, stealing a touch here and there. She joined in his little game, and made contact with his hand again, brushing the back of her hand against his. Their pace slowed, until they were just loitering, and Ville finally just grabbed her hand, lightly. playing with her fingers.

‘We’ll only be gone for two weeks.’

‘Oh.’

Two weeks… Such a long time… Shit. She was already feeling this way over two weeks. If this really turned into something between them, she’d have to get used to him being gone for much longer periods of time…

‘Will you survive without me?'

‘Barely.’ She responded, in a sarcastic tone. ‘But honestly, it’s fine. I’ve been neglecting some other friends recently, spending all my weekends with you.’

She paused for a moment, wrecking her brain to figure out her schedule and opportunities to see Ville again during the week.

‘Mum is starting chemotherapy this week, I’m joining her to the hospital on Tuesday, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it over during the week… Depends on the reacion.’

‘How about Friday? We don’t fly out till Saturday afternoon.’

She was about to say yes to Friday when she realized she had a friend’s birthday party that day.

‘Crap. I just remembered I have a party on Friday. I don’t really wanna cancel either, cause like I said before, I’ve been neglecting said friends. It is here in Dusseldorf however… You could tag along but that would probably be… seriously awkward, considering the people that would be there.’

'Well… Can’t you just come by after the party? Surely you need a place to crash?’ He actually looked pretty downtrodden at the prospect of not seeing eachother for a while, and Ella had to admit she felt similarly bummed. Despite all her nerves around Ville, she wanted to follow the butterflies in her stomach. She’d just have to take him up on his offer, if all else failed.   
  
'I would want to...But it will probably get late?'

'That's ok.' She felt how he full-on grabbed her hand then, and pulled her a bit closer so they were walking shoulder to shoulder. Although they could barely call it walking anymore, they were only strolling through some streets very casually, killing time together.

‘I mean _really_ late before I’d make it here. 2 or 3 AM.’

‘I don’t mind. If I’m still up we could hang out, otherwise we’d still have all of Saturday morning.’

Before either could say anything else, Ville’s phone started ringing.

'Fucking hell...' He muttered, getting his phone out of his pocket and looking at the caller ID. 'It's Bam,' he explained, 'we’d better head back soon before he comes and finds us.’


	30. Kiss And Tell, Baby We're Bleeding Well

She hadn’t even been gone for an hour or two, but he missed her already. A deep, physical ache, this hollowed out feeling in his stomach. It would be five days before he saw her again, and then not again for two whole weeks. He grunted at the prospect. He’d truly hated having to interrupt the recording progress, already when Seppo told him weeks ago. But he hated to interrupt this other progress even more. Now, only now he had _just_ found her. After weeks of pining. Whatever it was that was blooming between them, he wanted to explore it. It was a cruel twist of fate.

He sighed to himself once again, lighting another cigarette, replaying the conversation they’d had before she left for the week. The whole conversation had been loaded with all these things still left unsaid between them. She seemed as bummed about not seeing him for two weeks after Friday as he was, thankfully. It was still hard to gauge the extent of Ella’s feelings for him, but he had seen the disappointment in her eyes when he’d mentioned he’d be away for a while, and it gave him hope her feelings matched his. He could only hope the time apart didn’t change that.

\---------

At around 3 AM Fridaynight he heard door open and heard her stumble through the livingroom. He’d given her a spare key the last time they spoke, so she could get in even if he’d went to bed already. He was in fact, already in bed, exhaustion seizing him shortly after midnight. But of course, sleep was nowhere to be found, waiting for her. He’d also made her promise she wouldn’t sleep on the couch again. After weeks together, he knew her well enough to know she was discrete enough to feel like a burden, or that it would be an imposition if she accidentally woke him up. He swore that if she ever got the chance to gain a superpower, she’d make herself invisible. If she could disappear every now and then in order to avoid burdening people, she probably would.

Ella seemed to slowly make her way into bedroom, and he could hear her bump into the doorway of the bathroom and swear under her breath. He tried hard not to laugh. She was trying so hard to be stealthy. A few too many drinks again, by the sounds of it. After a few minutes she reappeared, already dressed in the oversized shirt she used as pyjama’s. In the dimness of the room he could see she hesitated a few moments at the side of the bed, before finally lifting up the blanket and crawling into bed as quietly as possible. There was a slight rattling sound, which he couldn’t place at first, but as she settled in next to him, he realized it were her teeth, chattering. There was this cold radiance surrounding her. Cold like autumn air almost, and it raised goosebumps on his arms. He could smell it on her, the cold outside air, mixed with the fresh scent of toothpaste and a hint of her perfume, lingering still. Almost involuntarily, he turned fully toward her and scooted a bit closer, noting the surprise in her eyes when she saw he was awake.

‘Had fun?’

‘Loads. I had a great evening.’ She whispered back. Moments later, her teeth chattered again, and she scooted even closer to him, looking for his warmth. Before, when he finally got her to agree to sleep in the bed, he would always wake up and almost always see her back facing him, as far away to the side of the bed as possible. Knowing Ella, all to make herself as scarce as possible, because God forbid she woke him up. He loved that she was more comfortable around him now, actively seeking him out. But when her cold, bare leg touched his, startled him, he hissed softly.

‘Sorry.’ She said, before giggling. She seemed hardly sorry though, because she didn’t move her leg an inch. If she was using him as a heatpad, he might as well make the best of the situation, and he put an arm around her, pulling her even closer and lying back, so she was half across his chest. With his other arm, he hugged the blanket closer, wrapping it around them tighter.

‘How on earth did you get so cold?’

‘Was a long walk here.’ Ella muttered, slurring her words slightly, as if she was already falling asleep. Her breathing was getting deeper and deeper too, and he felt himself instantly relaxing as well, as they both warmed up. 

' _I love your touch cold as ice._ ' He sang softly, the first part of Gone With The Sin.

'I don't think you're really enjoying it.' She whispered, giggling a bit.  
Oh, if only she knew how much he was enjoying these moments…

\--------

She woke up the same as she had gone to sleep, lying half on top of Ville’s chest, with one of his arms wrapped around her back. It seemed neither of them had moved an inch during the night, which was a marvel to Ella. She’d rarely been comfortable enough to actually sleep entangled with someone. But she felt utterly comfortable now, and even though she was wide awake, she just couldn’t find a reason to get up and quietly sneak out of bed, like she had done the last few times she’d woken up earlier than Ville. He was still fast asleep, and she listened contently to his steady, deep breathing for a while, and the sound of birds outside the bedroom window. If all they had together for now was this morning, she was perfectly happy to spend it like this.

It wasn’t long before Ville started stirring too, sighing a few times in the last remnants of his sleep. She watched with curious fascination at his face, as his facial expression shifted a few times before he finally opened his eyes and groggily smiled down upon her.

‘Morning.’ She said, to which Ville only yawned at first, before finally adding ‘good morning’ as well.

‘Slept well?’ Ville asked, a few moments later.

‘Like a baby.’ Ella answered, actually meaning it. Despite having a few drinks at the party the night before, she hadn’t slept this well as this in weeks.

‘Me too.’ Ville added, and yawned again.

‘Seems like you weren’t quite done sleeping yet.’ Ella said, in response to his repeated yawning, making him laugh.

‘Maybe not, but I’d hate to sleep the entire day away today.’ He paused for a bit, before adding, ‘or well… maybe not asleep, but I’m perfectly fine like this.’ Nodding down at Ella still half on his chest.

‘I was just thinking the same, actually.’

He hugged her closer, tiptoeing his fingers across her bare arm. Feeling ticklish, she giggled, shrugging off his fingers, but he just went on softly caressing her arm instead. When she looked up at him it felt like she was drawn to him like a magnet. Ville met her halfway, kissing her lips gently.

‘Sorry, I must have godawful morning breath. Too much wine last night.’

‘I don’t give a shit, I probably do too.’ He answered, before pulling her back towards him again. Again their kiss started out mellow, but it turned heated after a while. Ella let her hands wander, caressing Ville’s neck and arms, before moving down his back. His lips moved from hers and went down to her throat and neck, his light stubble tickling her sensitive skin.

It wasn’t long before Ville’s featherlight caresses became firmer too, moving from her arms to the small of her back as well, pressing her against himself, and Ella felt herself tense up. She didn’t know if she was ready for this yet, for the direction this was going in. Ville apparently noticed her response, because he quickly moved up again, giving her one last peck on the lips, before lying down again next to her. She was glad he didn’t try to push it, not physically and not verbally. He just noted her response and backed off, without needing any further explanation. She loved him even more for it, because she doubted she could really explain all the feelings and thoughts moving through her brain at infinite speed. Loving him, loving _someone_ again, was harder than she thought.

\---------

A mere few hours later, they were all out on the street, with all their luggage, waiting for Mige to bring the rental van along. Ella hated the sight of it once she saw Mige turning the corner, puttering towards them. But who knows, with his driving style, they might not make it on time to the airport and miss their flight. That would be a joyful consequence of his shitty driving, for sure…  
Once Mige had gotten out of the van and they started packing their luggage inside, she hugged them all one by one. ‘Well,’ Ella said, ‘Guess I’ll see you guys in about two weeks… Come here you big bear.’ She said, pulling Mige close.  
  
‘Dear, sweet Ella.’ He said, enveloping her into one of his signature bear hugs. She had gotten very fond of Mige’s warmth and humour. Of Linde’s quiet wisdom. Burton’s dry humour and Gas’ goodhearted nature. She had gotten to know each of the guys pretty well over the last couple of weeks, and she was not only sad to miss Ville for two weeks. Speaking of Ville, he was lingering out of reach a bit, as if he was dreading leaving as well.

For as far as Ella knew, Ville hadn’t told any of the guys about them yet and she didn’t quite know how to act, as she made her way over to him. She suspected Linde at least had some idea of what was going on, but nothing was out in the open yet and no one had mentioned anything. Hesitating a bit, she finally pulled him into a hug as well, not sure if he was ready to make it public yet.  
Ville let her hug him at first, but it felt incredibly awkward, both of them wanting so much more from this moment.

‘Fuck this shit.’ He finally muttered, before kissing her full on the lips. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Ella noticed how conversation around them fell silent, but she couldn’t care less, leaning into the kiss.  
When they finally broke apart, Ville cupped her face in both his hands.

‘I’ll miss you.’

‘Miss you too.’ She whispered. ‘See you in two weeks?’

‘I’ll call as soon as we land.’

And with that, he turned away from her without another glance, getting into the van, leaving her and the rest of the guys almost equally awestruck.  
He had some explaining to do on their way back to Finland…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and for the comments and kudos! 
> 
> Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas, and here's to a healthy and better 2021!


	31. Come Build Me A Bridge Soaked In Gasoline And Pass The Torch

  
Two weeks never crawled by slower. In fact, it seemed an entire season had gone by. In two weeks time, spring swiftly made way for early summer. June started off unseasonably warm, and everyone savoured the warmth after a long and mostly rainy spring. Ella had finally let her friends convince her to go to the lake with them, to swim and enjoy the sunshine. She was waiting for Sam to pick her up now. Despite telling Ville she needed to catch up with some friends, she had been mostly moping around at home.

She missed Ville terribly, and the daily routine back at home didn’t help one bit. Her mother had started chemotherapy, and because her dad couldn’t get too much time off from work, it mostly fell down to Ella to bring her mother to and from the hospital. The chemo made her terribly sick within days, and in between juggling her own job, household chores and her emotional and erratic siblings, Ella felt she was too exhausted to go out and see friends. They all seemed to cope with this in their own way. Tobias spent as much time as he could with his girlfriend, sticking his head in the sand. Tim, the other half to the twins, was mostly out as well, though in a much less healthy environment. Ella didn’t know most of what he got up to when he went out during the evenings, but she knew the shady types he hung out with sometimes, and she definitely knew he didn’t return home before 4 or 5 AM most nights. Simone was being her usual, bitchy pubescent self, and Hanna was mostly withdrawn, hard to reach, silent.

So Ella was happy to get out of home for the day, swimming and hanging out with friends at the lake. Unfortunately, all her of her friends joining them that day knew she had a new beau in her life. Courtesy of Sam, of course, who had slipped up, telling them about Bam and mentioning Ella’s newly blossoming relationship with Ville as well. She’d been interrogated all afternoon, and though she felt a bit awkward at first, once she had gotten used to the idea of her other friends knowing, she was relieved to see they were all genuinely happy for her, and didn’t act too weird at all about Ville being in a semi-famous band. Of course, they immediately googled him, but also immediately approved when they saw some of the stuff HIM had put out. Besides, once she had gotten past her initial awkwardness, Ella loved talking to them about Ville, Sam having heard it all before a dozen times.

By the end of day, when Ville called, she was giddy with joy and good times.

‘Hey.’ She said, picking up the phone, moving away from her friends to a quieter spot along the beachside. They were jeering and shouting in the background, and she was sure Ville heard too.

‘Hey love. Who’s that in the background?’

‘Just some friends.’ She waved at them to shut up, before moving a bit further away. ‘We’re spending the day at the lake.’

‘Ah yes…. I thought you mentioned something about sun, summer and warmth…’ She could hear him exhale, probably smoking a cigarette. ‘Summer is still only a distant memory over here… Can’t even remember what that feels like, summertime.’

‘Well, you will tomorrow…’ She answered. ‘How’d the last meetings go yesterday?’

‘Great. Record company execs loved the demo we cut, so that’s a nice feather up our asses. Did some planning for the initial European tour this fall or winter, then US in the springtime. All early phases of course, but the we’ve gotten the green light so now it’s up to the promoters.’

She barely had a clue what he was talking about, her own band never having gotten further than playing bars and small venues. They’d arranged everything themselves, no record companies or promoters in sight. 

‘That’s great.’ She answered truthfully nonetheless. She was happy Ville was sounding so positive.

‘How about you? Having a day off, or so I gather? How’s mum today?’

‘She’s good today. I think she’s past the worst of the reaction to this round of chemo. Not so sick anymore.’

‘That’s great to hear.’

They spoke a bit more about her mother, and Tim throwing a massive fit in the morning, being woken up early by Simone. Ella had done damage control between them for most of the morning. Ville was very much aware of what was going on at her home, calling her almost every day to get an update about her mother’s health and how everyone was coping.

‘I’ll sure be glad to spend some time away from home tomorrow.’ Ella admitted, thinking of the next day, when Ville would return.

‘You know you’re always welcome to extend your stay with me.’ Ville said, and she could hear the smirk in his voice. She couldn’t wait for tomorrow to arrive either.

‘So what time are you back?’

‘Late afternoon probably. Unless you want to come meet us at the airport. We land at half past three.’

‘You know what… I think I just might.’

The sooner she would get to see him again, the better. 

\---------

She bounced up and down, trying to look over all the people flooding the arrivals area. Flight AY1392 had just landed half an hour ago, and she was eagerly waiting for the band to make their way through the luggage claim area and into the arrivals hall. Someone tapped her on the back, and when she turned out she looked straight into a pair of brownish eyes.

It didn't take her long to recognise the eyes as Burton's.

'Hey!'

She gave Burton a quick hug, patting his back, while looking over his shoulder to the rest of the band. She moved on to give Linde a hug, who was waiting right behind Burton. The wise wizard, gave her an all-knowing look before opening his arms to her. She knew from that one look that Ville had filled them in on their blossoming romance, and that it was alright with them, or at least with Linde. To be honest, she had been a bit worried about that while they were all in Finland. Ville told her it had been fine, they’d all suspected something already. But what if, deep down inside, not to their facs, the rest of the band didn’t approve or her and Ville? They were so different, after all. But Linde welcomed her with open arms, held her tightly while rubbing and patting her back, while mumbling in her ear.

'Good to see you again. I missed your sane influence on these idiots.'

Before Linde, or her, could say anything else, she heard a familiar deep voice.

'Leave some for me, will ya?' The deep sensual sound was followed by a dry chuckle. When she looked up he was standing there. His green eyes gazing at her, stars twinkling in his eyes. Right there...waiting. In her head his voice spoke again and sang a line from one of your favourite songs.

_Waiting for you to drown in my love... So open your arms_ …

\---------

There she was. Standing on the tip of her toes to look over the people, not noticing they were all behind her. On purpose, he strayed behind a bit, to enjoy looking at her before she noticed him. He watched as she was startled by Burton's hand on her back, and how she gave him and Linde a hug. Only, to him and his jealous mind, it seemed the hug lasted just a bit too long, so he announced his presence by saying something. For a moment she was just standing there, her eyes starting to sparkle and her full pink lips curling into a smile. Before he knew it she was in his arms, her bare, warm arms wrapping around him. She’d told him it was warm over in Germany, but he hadn’t quite been ready for the sight of her in her airy, blue summer dress. She smelled like sunshine and warmth, and he pressed his nose into her hair hard, to get in as much of her scent as possible.   
  
He’d missed her terribly these past two weeks. He hadn’t realized quite how hard he’d fallen until he had gotten back to Helsinki, his own home, and had felt utterly lost without her all of the two weeks. Ella had been on his mind almost 24/7, rendering him incapable of being productive, or even the least bit enjoyable to those around him. Of course, ever since kissing her in front of all of them, all the guys in the band knew. He’d been grilled heavily by them for a day and been the target of their childish jokes the next few days, but thankfully all his worrying about them accepting the relationship had been just that, stupid worries. It was his luck that they’d known Ella already, and all of them loved having her around, so it was almost a natural and acceptable next step. Besides, Linde had confided that they’d more or less suspected something was up already, weeks ago. Before he and Ella even knew themselves, actually.  
  
He´d been a sappy, lovesick bastard for two entire weeks, one who couldn’t wait to get back to this little ray of sunshine. He went from being ecstatic about their tentative love, to wrecked with worry, hoping she didn’t change her mind about him while he was gone, and there and back again, several times a day. But, if her initial reaction was anything to go by, he was safe and sound, squeezing him just as tightly, sighing happily. She finally released him when someone cleared their throat behind them.  
Seppo.   
He’d joined them for a few days again, to see firsthand how the recording came along. Even though Ville had told Seppo about him and Ella, during a quiet moment after one of the meetings, it still felt slightly awkward. Ella was so much younger than he was, and her life so different from his. With his manager there, he was suddenly very conscious of that. Suddenly hyper aware of the scrutiny and judgement Ella might endure, coming into his life, his public life at least. There were definitely people in the industry and even in his network who would have an opinion on the subject, and probably a not so favourable one...

‘Ella. So nice to see you again.’ Seppo said, before giving her a casual one-armed hug as well. ‘I hope you’re doing well, despite everything? Ville told me about your mum, I hope she’s doing ok…?’

In Seppo’s case, he needn’t have worried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I miss summer :( 
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone!


	32. There Are Wounds That Are Not Meant To Heal At All

The public vote had decided against Mige being the designated driver once again, and the job was quickly pawned off to Ella, since she knew her way around. She didn’t mind driving the van, she had no trouble with bigger vehicles, but damn was it hard to stay focused in all this ruckus. With 6 men and all their luggage, the van was filled to the brim, the whole band seemed ecstatic for some reason, and loud, compared to their usual behaviour. It was almost like having Bam and his crew back. She didn’t know if the guys were just happy to be back, happy to go on recording, or if all Finns just went a little bit insane once summer arrived. She tried to switch the airconditioning on higher, hoping it would cool things down. It was bloody hot in the van. To make matters worse, Linde had brought her the Daniel Lioneye CD and Ville turned up the volume every few minutes or so. It had come up when Bam visited, somehow Linde had found out she didn’t know his music in Daniel Lioneye, not having realized it was his music being used as the Viva La Bam theme song. He’d vowed to bring her the CD some day, and had kept his promise. It was a totally unexpected side to Linde, but she loved what she heard so far, even though it wasn’t really keeping her focus on the road. All the men were singing and jamming along too, and she couldn’t help but look back in the rearview mirror at them every now and then, laughing her ass off at what she saw.  
Ella suddenly realized there was a different sound underneath it all though.

‘Shit. Guys. I think I hear my phone. Someone, Gas, I think my bag is near your feet somewhere.’ She gestured wildly to the back with one arm, where she’d dropped her purse so it wouldn’t be in the way while driving. ‘Get my phone out and see who it is.’

She was worried it might be someone from her family, calling her that something had come up back at home. Ville turned down the music completely, and she could hear Gas rummaging around in her purse. Although purse was a fancy word for that bottomless pit of a tote she lugged around.

‘Oops. I dropped your wallet.’ Gas said, and in the rearview mirror she could see Mige start rummaging around on the floor as well, to find her wallet. Her phone finally stopped ringing, and she could hear Gas sigh audibly. ‘Sorry. Too late.’

‘Found your wallet.’ Mige exclaimed, before adding, ‘oh hey, pictures. Who is this?’

Shit. Her flimsy-ass wallet must have opened when it hit the floor, revealing the pictures inside. She felt her cheeks reddening at the intrusion of something painfully private, at least still mostly private to the rest of the guys in the band. They knew who he was, what he’d been to her, but not much else.

'T..that's Kevin.' She softly said, and a weird silence fell for a second. Until Ville scraped his throat, next to her. ‘Just put it back and hand over the damn phone, either one of you jackasses.’

One of them did, and Ville held out the phone to her.

‘Can you just show me? I need to focus on the road for a bit.’

‘Sure.’ His measured tone made her feel awful and ashamed. As if she'd done wrong. Was she in the wrong here, for still keeping a picture of Kevin in her wallet?

\----------  
  
All the way back to the apartment, Ville seemed slightly out of it. Speaking in short, measured tones and avoiding eyecontact. It hurt her, because he had no idea how she felt, no idea how hard she'd worked to get used to the idea of having him in her life, and not feel like she was trying to replace Kevin.  
When they’d finally made it back to their temporary apartments, after dropping of Seppo at the hotel and getting all their stuff back inside, she confronted him. By then her initial insecurity and worry had turned to anger at his petty jealously and this childish behaviour.

‘Alright. Spill. What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’ He moped, like a petulant child. On her turn, Ella was seething, and for once in her life dove head-first into the confrontation.

‘Obviously something.’

‘No.’

‘Yes.’ When Ville walked off, she followed him, cornering him near the couch. ‘You’ve been grumpy and short with me ever since Mige found that picture in my wallet, so don’t lie to me.’

Ville remained silent, but from the look in his eyes she knew she had been right.

‘Why does that bother you so much, Ville? It’s just a picture.’

‘Fine.’ He dropped down on the couch. ‘I have to admit I was a bit jealous. But so what if I was?!’

‘So what…’ Ella remained standing, too angry to sit down, towering over him. ‘So what… I’m just saying you shouldn’t be. He’s dead, Ville. Kevin is DEAD _. That_ is why I hold on to his picture, that is why it’s important to me that you’ll _let_ me, let me hang on to these kind of things.

It finally seemed to sink in with him, and she watched the dawning realization on his face, as he rubbed a hand over his stubble.

‘I… wasn't thinking. I’m sorry.’ He paused for a bit. Lighting a cigarette before he went on speaking. ‘This whole time I was in Finland, I was worried that… that you’d realize… That you’d change your mind about me, for some reason. I got jealous. And it carried over to today I guess.’

She just looked down upon him for a few moments more, before finally dropping her guard. ‘You’re a moron, you know that?’  
Despite her harsh words, she was already mellowing again. It was impossible not to, with the sad puppy-eyed look Ville gave her next.

‘Sit down, will you,’ he said, pulling at her leg.  
  
She did as he said, and let him pull her into a hug, although still slightly reluctant to let her anger go completely.

‘I’m sorry,’ he muttered in her ear, ‘sorry for making a big deal out of it.’

She was ready to protest, that _that_ was not her point, but he silenced her by putting a finger against her lips. ‘Sorry for feeling that way in the first place. I have no right to… decide how you process this… how you process or get past losing someone. I can’t imagine what it’s like. I’m sorry.’

‘Thanks… I appreciate that.’ Ella said, after letting his words sink in. So maybe he had really gotten it, in the end. She sighed, in his arms. This was not how she had planned their first evening together again. This was not the joyous reunion it was supposed to be. Actually…

‘Ville?’

‘Hmm?’

‘Did we just… have our first fight?’ Was it too bold of her to assume there even was a ‘we’ to begin with…?

He chuckled, and she felt his entire chest rumble behind her back. The deep rumble such a pleasant feeling she started laughing too.

‘Maybe we did…’ He paused for a moment. ‘If so… Make-up sex?’

Ella ‘tsssked’ him and elbowed him in the ribs at that, to which he only laughed harder.

‘Ow. That hurt. I’m only kidding. I’d settle for a make-up kiss…’

She’d definitely settle for that too…

\------------

One kiss led to another, and half an hour later they were still lodged together on the couch, lying lazily in eachothers arms, stealing kisses every now and then. Suddenly Ville jerked up, almost causing Ella to fall off the couch altogether.

‘I have your scarf!’

‘…What?’

She had been totally caught in the moment and didn't get Ville's sudden change of subject, and why he stopped kissing her so suddenly. He had to repeat himself before she was slightly down to earth again and knew what he was talking about.

'Your scarf? I sent you a text about that? It must have ended up in my suitcase somehow?'

'Yeah yeah I remember.'

He had done that, she had completely forgotten about it by now. It hadn’t exactly been scarfy weather… He got up and she lazily followed him to the bedroom, where he unpacked some stuff from his suitcase, before finding her basic, grey scarf. She playfully wrapped the scarf around her neck, noticing it smelled like him.

‘Hmm… Smells like you.’

‘Funny… When I wore it, it smelled like you…’

‘You wore it?!’

Ville actually had the sense to look almost ashamed, a faint reddening of his cheek visible. 'It's a comfy scarf. It was cold out and it reminded me of you…’

Not that she minded one bit, not at all, but imaging him huddled up in her scarf cracked her up.

‘You can keep it, if you want?’

‘In exchange for…?’

‘Another kiss will do…’ 

He gently unwound the scarf from her neck, before throwing it in his own bag again and pulling her close by the waist, bringing his lips to hers, muttering, ‘It’s too damn hot for scarves anyway…’


	33. With The Warmth Of Your Arms You Saved Me

  
The next morning Ella woke up feeling incredibly hot and sweaty, which wasn't a huge surprise because Ville had wrapped an arm around her in his sleep and had pulled her close. Her head was enclosed in the warm spot beneath his chin and she was almost fully underneath the duvet. Neither of them had remembered to close the curtains, and the sun was shining in already, scorching hot, warming the room.  
Ella was very gently trying to get out of Ville's embrace, trying not to wake him up. Just when she was almost done picking at his arm, he sighed in his sleep and swung his arm over her waist again, pulling her even closer. Everything felt clammy and sweaty. Using a bit more violence this time, she started over, effectively waking him up in the process. Two sleepy eyes greeted her. 

'Could you let go of me? It's so damn hot lying so close to you.'

Even though she could see he was still sleepy he joked. 'Didn't know you found me that attractive...'

She laughed and he did so as well. 'Oh Ville...come on, you get what I mean, it's too goddamn warm.'

She tried to free herself from his grip again, but he held tight on purpose, even when she starting using her legs to push herself away from his warm body.

‘Come on, let go of me.’

‘Nah.’  
  
She could hear the smirk in his voice, and decided to struggle even harder against his strength, until he suddenly yelled, catching her by surprise.

'Nooooooo!!! Don't leave me alone!'

In the one moment she was unfocused, Ville grabbed his chance and pulled her even closer, until she was flush against him. He squeezed her tightly, grinning, green eyes looking at her mischievously, and Ella stilled as she realized she could feel everything. Everything. Now she felt heat from an entirely different source... She didn’t know if it was his body radiating so much heat, or her own body, but somewhere deep down in her core, heat of an entirely different kind started burning.  
She gave up her fight, laughing, knowing it was no use. Despite his thin frame, Ville was so much stronger than she was.

'For fucks sake. I won't leave you alone.' She couldn't stop laughing, the heat between their bodies making her giddy. 'Just don't hold me so tightly. It's too bloody warm.'

He didn't react. He just kept holding her.

'Please?'

'I'll never let you go.' He said, producing a really teasy voice. Whoever thought such statements were romantic had clearly never been in this particular situation.

'Ville. I'll start kicking you if you don't.'

‘Fine.’

When he suddenly moved she was caught by surprise again, even more so when he rolled on top of her, pinning her down.

He just looked down at her, smirking, knowing she couldn't do anything now. He was very pleased with himself, while Ella was still very aware there were only some thin layers of cotton between their lower bodies. All she could stare at were his lips, inching closer, until they were on hers, kissing her softly. It was irresistible, and she deepened the kiss, slipping her tongue into his mouth. 

Ella could feel the warmth of his hand through her top, playing with the hem, before he finally let it slip underneath. She got shivers just from feeling his calloused, warm hand on her lower back. When Ville’s lips left hers and moved down to her neck, she actually gasped. The sensation was overwhelming, almost too overwhelming, her nerve endings having trouble processing everything, still in her overheated state. Her heart rate shot up even further, her brain confusing all these different emotions and sensations, mistaking her adrenalin for something else, something from the past. Her mind involuntarily wandered off to the place where her past hid, and her body just shut down. Suddenly ice ran through her veins and she froze.

Ville noticed her going rigid, and immediately backed off, looking at her, a touch of concern in his face.

‘Too soon?’

‘No. Yeah. No… Sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing.’ Ella hid her face in her hands, ashamed she had reacted like this and that Ville had immediately noticed. Way to go, ruining a perfectly good moment once again.

‘Hey, don’t.’ Ville pulled at her hands, making her look him in the eyes. ‘It’s alright. I won't go any further unless you say so. No rush.'

He shifted position so they were both a bit more comfortable, simply hugging her to him again but giving her some space. Ella appreciated it that he didn’t try to kiss her again immediately, didn’t try to push on. As much as it was frustrating that she’d ruined their make-out session, the physical response her body had had wasn’t something to ignore. For a few seconds, she’d felt completely panicked, being thrown back to the past. How she’d been in the same situation with Kevin, after they’d just gotten together, just a few days into their relationship. Making love in bed, cuddling afterwards, until Kevin suddenly couldn’t breathe, wheezing and hitting at his chest. She could still remember the instant panic all too vividly, and so could her body apparently. The frantic heartbeat, the heat, than the cold panic rushing over her. Some weird Pavlovian reaction, linking panic with something as pleasant as making out in bed. Even years onwards, with a totally different person. How could she ever break through that…? She wanted desperately for things to be uncomplicated, but they weren’t. Could never be.

‘I can hear your thoughts going a thousand miles an hour.’ Ville muttered, before softy kissing the top of her head. ‘It’s ok, love.’

Would it be? Would she ever be ok again? She definitely hoped so. If anyone could get her through, it was Ville. He was breaking down her barriers one by one, and she wanted to let him. For the first time in two long years, it felt comfortable enough to let someone in.

\--------------

Whatever time Ella and Ville had missed on Saturday because of their little fight, they made up for it on Sunday. Both too tired from a long week, they quickly agreed on not really doing anything at all. Ville had had a very busy two weeks in Finland, busy ‘moping around’ as he called it, but Ella knew he’d actually had a lot of meetings and work done with the band. Whereas on her side, Ella had been torn in all different directions back at home, juggling her own job, taking over the household chores from her mother, and mediating between all her siblings. If there was one thing this time spent with Ville taught her, it was that she was definitely ready to move out of the parental house again, as soon as things calmed down. She’d lived on her own for a while, but after Kevin died, and everything turned to shit, it was just easier to move back home and let herself be taken care of for a while. But now she got time to herself again, albeit together with Ville, she realized just how much of her energy was stuck into maintaining things at home. It was draining her.

  
So without really sullying too many words on it between, they’d both decided this Sunday was a great day to spend watching movies in bed and on the couch. Mige came over for a few hours, hanging out with them, but after that they quickly moved to the bed again, bringing Ville’s laptop and some takeout Chinese with them, browsing Youtube and showing eachother songs and live footage from songs and gigs each had loved. It was nice, getting to know eachother better, exploring eachother’s taste in music. Much to Ella’s surprise, Ville’s taste went far beyond raucous black metal and gloomy gothic songs. He introduced her to some of the current Finnish stuff, in return she showed him local German stuff she liked. He let her listen to some Editors, whereas she introduced him to some Kodaline songs, a favorite Irish band of hers, from which they moved on to Irish folk songs she loved, to Finnish retro stuff he liked, via seventies rock bands he loved on to reggae, and from classical acoustic guitar pieces to Mazzy Star, the dreamiest pop music Ella had ever heard, amongst other things.  
  


They were back unto the Finnish music scene again, Ville showing her a song by a popular Finnish singer he wanted to get a second opinion on.

‘Now tell me… Doesn’t this little melody… That _tu du du tu du du_ ¸ that one, there, sound _exactly_ like _The Sacrament_ to you?’

Ella listened for a while. ‘Nope. Sorry, don’t hear it. Maybe there’s… I admit a few of the notes sound similar, but no…’

‘So I shouldn’t sue for plagiarism then?’

She could tell by his eyes that he was actually joking. But if there was any similarity, it was far-fetched. ‘Accept it as a compliment and move on. There’s only so many chords you can use in pop music.’ 

‘That’s true.’ He got up from the bed suddenly. ‘But speaking of mainstream Finnish gutter pop… I brought you something… I have _two_ surprises actually.’

Well, that definitely piqued her interest… But when he started rummaging around in his suitcase again, she nearly suspected it was just another one of her scarves or something that had made it into his bag. What he did bring out in the end, was even more anticlimactic than that.

‘A… magazine?’

‘Yeah.’

She flicked through the first few pages, feeling even more confused.

'I still can't read Finnish Ville.'

His face was completely neutral for a while until he finally burst out into laughter because of her face, completely dumbfounded and slightly insulted.

'I was just messing with you. I wanted to show you an article inside the magazine. And of course, I'll translate.' He picked the magazine up again and started to flip the pages, looking for something.

'Is it one of those terrible gossip magazine?'

He nodded and finally found the page he was looking for. ‘The worst one in Finland, actually. Here.’ He placed the magazine on her lap again and pointed at the article he wanted her to look at. 'Obviously those are two pictures of me, see?'

'Yes, of course.'

'Can you see a difference?'  
  
She looked a bit closer at the pictures, looking for something specific, but she couldn't find it. She recognized nothing from the text either, except for his name. 'Just that you look totally miserable on the first picture, and on the second picture, you're smiling? Is it some sort of before and after thingy?'

'Exactly!' He showed her a broad smile, which she couldn’t quite reciprocate yet, too confused to get his point. He moved his finger across some Finnish sentence that looked super hard to pronounce. The only words she could make out were Ville Valo, which was actually written as Valoon, to confuse matters further.

'It says here: Has Ville Valo found a new love in his life? And then they just start rambling about the two pictures, how miserable I look on the first, and that I look way better now, and they have heard from 'a reliable source' that I have found myself a new girlfriend. How funny is that? Saw it at the airport and just had to show you.'

'Normally gossip magazines never get it right.'

'Thank God they are right this time.'

The fact that they, and he, had been speaking of ‘girlfriend’, made her heart flutter a bit. Could they consider eachother boyfriend-girlfriend, at that point? Before she could dwell too long on it, he planted a wet kiss on her cheek and laughed a bit when she winced playfully.

'I wonder who their so-called reliable source is... Probably Noora.'

'Could be, but would she get the news out this nicely, without nasty remarks or wild guesses as to who your new girl is?'

'Fair point. But, she doesn't know you. My new girlfriend could be anyone, from anywhere. Although she did talk to you on the phone.’

‘We weren’t even together then…’

‘Well… I’m pretty sure she realized something was up.’  
  
It made Ella think back to those times, a few weeks ago. How she’d been trying desperately to kill her feelings for Ville, honestly believing there was nothing there on his part. How wrong had she been. In the meantime, Ville was totally zoned out, staring at the magazine. He broke the silence after a while.  
  
'She would have mentioned that if she was the one who spread the news. Insisted on getting some publicity too...' He had placed one hand under his cheek, pressing it up a bit, and it looked so cute that she wanted to just squeeze his cheeks.

‘Well… Maybe it just wasn’t her. Maybe it was just a lucky guess by someone from this magazine.’ She paused for a while, and looked at the pictures again. The ‘after’ picture showed Ville sitting somewhere outside, smoking a cigarette, looking completely lost in his own thoughts, as he had been moments before, just smiling to himself. It must have been taken recently, if she compared the way he looked now. She couldn’t imagine how intrusive it must feel to him, to see himself caught in such a private moment, even if he’d just been thinking to himself.

‘I thought you were just being paranoid when you were so worried about me telling anyone about you recording the new album here… I didn’t realize you were actually… famous enough to be hounded by the gutter press…’

He gave her a smirk. ‘Didn’t you realize you were dating a bonafide rockstar?’

‘Oooh… Cocky bastard.’ She elbowed him in the ribs playfully, before adding on a more serious tone. ‘But no, I hadn’t realized you were so… big in Finland.’

‘It’s still ok. It basically happens in Finland only. They leave me alone most of the time, unless something major is happening in my life, making it all the more difficult.’

He just shrugged beside her, and finally closed the magazine, chucking it into the general direction of the waste bin, but missing by at least a meter.

‘Anyway… Ready for your second surprise?’

‘YES. Unless it’s another one of those gossip magazines.’

‘Nothing like that.’ He grabbed both her hands in his. ‘Let me take you out to dinner. Somewhere fancy.’

‘What… Now? But I haven’t washed my hair…’

He laughed at her response. ‘No. Not now. Maybe next weekend?’

‘Ok… but why?’

'You don't like it?' He seemed insecure all of a sudden.  
  
Afraid she had hurt his feelings, Ella tightened her grip on his arms, moving a bit closer. 'I do like it! I didn't mean to say 'why' in that way. I just meant to say, why would you want to take me out to dinner?'  
  
Ville opened his mouth to speak, closed it again, and she realized she had said the wrong thing again, so she tried correcting herself again. 'I mean, what for? What's the occasion?'

'Oh... now you’re making sense.' He gave her a sarcastic look. 'And now I get why you said you never got asked out on dates. You’re making it pretty hard to ask you out, you know.'

'Oh, shut up you. Now tell me what's the reason.'

‘Can’t I just… woo the girl I like?’

Leaving her stunned, Ville got up from the bed then and paced towards the window, looking down at the street before continuing. ‘Sometimes I feel like I’ve been abusing your good nature for too long, too thoughtlessly. I just figured out a little thank you would be nice. Because you've helped me out from the beginning, here in this weird country. And in other aspects you… helped me through a lot as well.'

He was trying to make it sounds casual, but she saw right through it. A bit of vulnerability in him she hadn't seen in a while. She went over to him and more or less crawled into his arms, until she could wrap her own arms around his waist as well.

'Thanks.'

'Thank you. Honestly. And besides… We sort of skipped the casual dating phase. At least let me take you out on one date.’ He kissed the top of her head, breathing in the scent of her hair, until Ella suddenly realized something and pushed away from him a bit.

'Do I have to wear something nice and decent and all that crap?'

'Yup. Fancy restaurant.'

‘Shit… As in… Suit and long dress?’

‘Not _that_ fancy. But I doubt they’d let you inside in shorts and flipflops…’

Which was almost a shame… She’d love to see Ville al suited up…  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. I'm glad I always write a few chapters ahead because damn... This one was a bit of a... struggle to get out. Whatever I wrote just felt pointless and useless... I hope at least it doesn't read as pointless and useless as well ;)  
> Thanks for reading anyway!


	34. This World's Not For Us And You Know It As Well As I Do

  
‘So… going out to dinner tonight, huh?’

Ella looked at her mother, eyes closed, head rested against the pillow. In the background she could hear a phone ringing, the nurses chattering, an intercom calling for a doctor so-and-so. She could see her mother was fighting against the nausea, and wondered how she could possibly be thinking about dinner in any form or shape. Ella knew for sure her mother wouldn’t be eating anything tonight herself. She had cleaned up too much of her mother’s vomit over the past few weeks to believe that.

‘Yeah. Somewhere fancy, apparently…’

‘Which restaurant?’

‘I don’t know.’ Ella had to admit. ‘I forgot to ask him.’

Her mind had been elsewhere during this week, to be honest.

‘I’m sure you’ll have a great time, regardless…’ Her mother swallowed again, obviously in pain, but looking for a distraction. That distraction being her daughter’s lovelife, apparently. ‘You seemed to get along quite well, the other day…’

Ella could feel the conversation turning awkward, and braced herself for the moment she’d been dreading. ‘Sure there’s nothing going on between the two of you?’

She sighed to herself, torn between the awkwardness of having this conversation with her mother, and wanting to indulge her. The steady drip-drip of the chemo IV she saw from the corner of her eye was a good reminder of the fact she might not have her mother around to tell these things much longer.

‘Actually…’

‘I knew it! Knew it the moment he’d stepped in the house!’

Ella doubted that, to be honest, but was in a gentle enough mood not to argue too badly with her mother, simply rolling her eyes at her.

‘Nothing was going on back then… It’s all fairly… recent. Everything is still new and scary.’

‘Scary? But he seems like such a nice man…’

‘Oh he is.’ Ella was suddenly getting defensive… ‘It’s just that… I’m scary. I mean, scared. It’s me. I don’t know if I’m… ready to start dating again.’

‘You’ll be fine darling. One step at a time… Just take it slow.’ Her mother eyed the IV again, which was nearly finished by then. ‘Speaking of which… Seems I’m nearly done for the day. I won’t keep you for much longer…’

\-------------

Ella was late. He couldn’t help but start to worry. She was never late. He eyed the clock again while Linde started on the same guitar solo for the billionth time. Ville listened with half an ear to the solo, and tried to hear if there were footsteps coming from outside the studio. Which was a stupid thing to do of course, the entire studio entirely soundproof. ‘ _Everything ok?’_ He texted Ella. He knew it was stupid to worry, she had told him she had to take her mum to the hospital before she could make it to the studio, but she _had_ said she’d be there at 4PM, and it was now nearing 5. He just hoped everything was alright with her mother, and that there was no medical emergency or anything.  
  
‘That one there. That one on the fourth count. What is it, C, C, A-minor? Don’t let it go on for too long.’ The producer said.

‘Yes. Cut it off short and sharp. No reverb.’ Ville agreed, and just as Linde nodded through the window and started again, the door opened behind them and Ville could see the reflection of a slight, blonde figure sneak into the room and sit down next to Burton on the couch in the back.

Ville looked back at her and gave her a small wave, trying to focus fully on Linde’s notes in the meantime.

‘That’s it. That’s our take.’ The producer said, and Ville agreed. Now it sounded right, he could take a small break, while Linde came over into the main area to listen back to his final attempt.

Ville sat down next to Ella on the armrest, giving her a small peck and a questioning look.

‘Everything ok?’ He repeated the question he had texted earlier.

‘Hey. Yeah. Sorry I’m late.’ She looked stressed and hurried as she shook off her coat, and Ville realized it must have been a race for her to get there even at this hour. ‘You know how everything goes in hospitals. Everything is always running late. Dropped mum off at home and of course there’s always stuff to do there too…’ She trailed off, and before Ville could respond, Burton patted her knee and said just what he had been thinking himself.

‘Just sit and relax now… That’s all most of us have been doing all day to be honest…’ He vaguely gesturing at Linde in the recording booth, starting on the same solo yet again, to see if he could perfect it further.

\-------------

Little over an hour later, they made their way upstairs together, to quickly get changed and make their way over to the restaurant.

‘Hope you don’t mind if I change here too?’ Ella asked him, ‘I didn’t have time to change back at home.’

‘Of course not. I think I’ll take a quick shower anyway, so you can change in here if you want.’

He made his way over to the bathroom, lagging for a bit when he realized he’d left the door ajar and could see Ella’s reflection perfectly in the closet mirror, through the open door. She reverently laid out a summer dress on the bed, before kicking off her sneakers and taking off her socks.

‘You do know I can see you as well from here?’ She pointed out after a few seconds, in a teasing voice, looking him straight in the eyes via the mirror. Eh, caught red-handed.

‘I don’t mind.’

‘Well…’ Ella said, before lifting her shirt over her head, flashing her bra. ‘Guess I don’t either.’ Giving him a show he definitely liked.

  
Moments later, Ville took his revenge on her, walking out in just his boxer briefs to find some clothes. Ella had been sitting on his bed, brushing out her hair, but seemed to momentarily lose her flow as he strutted past her. She had seen him in his underwear before, briefly, mostly in bed, but he was just flaunting it now. She was meant to be looking, and he did everything to ensure that she did, bending over a few extra times and whatnot.

‘Guess I’m not the only one with wandering eyes,’ he finally snickered, and she guiltily lifted her eyes up from his ass, blushing slightly. It was still endearing to him how she always blushed so quickly. 

‘Bathroom is all yours to do your girly stuff,’ Ville indicated, putting on some black dress pants.  
  
When he was done dressing, he watched from the doorway of the bathroom as she worked magic with some make-up brushes. Eyeliner was one thing, though he often even messed that up, but the things women could do with make-up just amazed him. He was a fan of light and natural, mostly, which Ella also seemed to prefer on a daily basis. But he loved to see her make a real effort tonight. And he had to admit, the effect was dramatic. Though she had kept it fairly simple still. Some smokey eyes, not overly dramatic, and a lipshade slightly darker than her own. The result was divine. It brought out a sudden matureness in her and made her lose some of the sadness she always seemed to carry with her. Along with the dark teal dress she was wearing, the smokey eyes brought out the blueness in her eyes, and the lipstick accented the fullness of her lips. He wanted desperately just to kiss those lips even more now.

‘There. Acceptable enough.’ She muttered, throwing one last glance at herself in the bathroom mirror.

Acceptable enough? The girl was insane. She looked absolutely alluring.

‘Darling, you look stunning.’ He wanted to just sit across from her and stare at her for hours. Which, lucky man that he was, he would get to do.

\------------

Not one for public transport, Ville had chosen a restaurant within walking distance. How he’d ever found the place was beyond her, she’d certainly never heard of the restaurant before, but Ella was impressed as soon as they made it to the top floor of the building the restaurant was situated in. Decked out in monochrome colours, sleek grey and velvety black, the whole place exuded elegance, looking out over the water and some of the high-rises of Dusseldorf. The hostess led them to a table at the window, offering them a perfect view of both the waterside and the open kitchen from which the chefs worked.  
  
For the first few moments Ella felt horribly out of place, as if she didn’t really belong in such a fancy high-end restaurant, at such a coveted spot, with the most attractive man by her side. Everyone in the restaurant seemed young, gorgeous and accomplished. Was she even fooling anyone? But the feeling quickly faded when the hostess and waiters treated her with as much respect and reverence as they seemed to treat Ville with, and everyone else in the restaurant. Maybe she could fit in with this kind of scene after all, this kind of life. Though Ville seemed slightly ill at ease as well, with all the lavishness.

‘Do you go to these kind of restaurants often, back in Helsinki?’ She asked him, gesturing to indicate the grandeur of it all.

‘Hardly ever to be honest. Usually when I end up in places like this it’s for some sort of dinner meeting with record company executives or something.’ He admitted. ‘Just wanted to take you somewhere fancy.’  
  
Somehow, she was almost relieved this wasn’t really his scene either, though she liked basking in the glory of this kind of world for one evening. They casually talked their way through most of the dinner, Ella ordering the sushi platter as the main course, while Ville opted for filled raviolli with fried chanterelles.

‘Anyway,’ Ville said, ‘I had something to ask you tonight.’

For a moment Ella’s heart shot up in her throat. A fancy dinner, a question… he couldn’t possibly mean…?

‘Yes?’ She said, barely able to keep the wobble from her voice.

‘Seppo actually arranged for this small…’  
Her thoughts trailed off after the first words, relief flooding over. Anything that started with ‘Seppo actually arranged’ couldn’t be a serious proposition of any kind. As much as she liked Ville, it was _way_ too soon for any big steps like that.  
‘… like to come along?’

Ville was silent then, looking at her expectantly, and she realized she’d missed half his question. She’d only vaguely picked something up with half an ear about some promo work in London.

‘Sorry, what?’

‘London? Next weekend? I know it’s short notice… But would you like to come along? You could have some sort of… mini-break from all the stuff going on at home. And Maija and Tiina would also be flying in from Finland. So you’d have some company when we’re busy.’

‘When would we be flying out?’

‘Friday morning. Back on Sunday night.’

‘I’d have to see if I can swap or cancel my shift on Friday… But I’d love to join.’

She actually would. Like Ville had said, it would mean a much-needed mini vacation from home life. And since the alternative was missing out on Ville for another weekend… Easy choice.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points for whoever guesses which HIM song the title is taken from, for this chapter. It's obscuuuuuuuuure. 
> 
> In a better "writing flow" the last couple of days, thank God. I have some busy weeks ahead at work though, so I hope I'll be able to keep up with updating twice a week.  
> Thanks for reading!


	35. Sparks Will Fly Beneath The Luna Alight

After dessert, the evening was far from over. Even though Ella felt chock-full, when Ville opted for “second desserts” in the adjoining cocktailbar, she all too readily joined him. Whereas he ordered some spicy, herbal cocktail, she went all out with a hazelnut liqueur and cream cocktail, _actually_ a second dessert with all the creaminess and sweetness.

‘I’m all done up now,’ Ella finally said when she finished her cocktail, burping accidentally, making Ville laugh.

‘No shit…’

Ella looked around the fancy cocktailbar over the water, and the general crowd. Even less their kind of crowd than the people in the adjoining restaurant were. All sleek and beautiful, photocopies of eachother. Ville seemed to be thinking along the same lines.

‘So… Are you going for a _third_ dessert, or should we get the hell out of here?’

‘Let’s get out of here. Maybe we can have a drink somewhere else.’

‘Somewhere a bit more our style?’

‘Meaning casual and alternative?’

‘Perhaps’

‘I know a place. Some of my friends might be there though. And maybe some HIM fans too.’  
  
Ville just shrugged, indicating he didn’t really care.

‘You’re not worried anymore about word getting out that you’re hiding out and recording here?’

‘Not really, not anymore. Besides, we’ll be out of here before it can get too bad.’

Ella let the last comment slide, not wanting to get into the subject of him leaving right at that moment, and got up to pay for their drinks, but Ville put his hand on her arm to stop her.

‘Let me…’

‘No, let _me._ You’ve already paid for dinner.’

‘Well… it’s the least I can do, after all you’ve done for me these past few weeks.’

‘Great, want me to feel like your prostitute?’

‘Ella…’ Ville sighed, tired of this discussion, and pushed her gently back towards her chair. They’d had this discussion before in the past, even during the night they’d first met. Though Ella hated being so dependent on him, she knew Ville secretly loved the gallantry in paying for his lady’s drinks. She was only riling him up. 

‘Only kidding.’

‘Just… I know you’re big on emancipation and taking care of yourself and all that, but just… let me take care of you tonight.’

‘Fine. Just don’t feel like you have to pay everything for me all the time. Even though you’re some rich-ass rockstar.’

‘Hey… Your words, not mine.’ Ville quipped, before leaving her at the table to pay for their drinks.

\-----------

They did indeed run into some friends’ of Ella’s in the bar. Two of Ella’s female friends already knew about Ville from Ella herself, having been with her that day at the lake, and welcomed him like an old friend, even though they’d never met him before. All the others in their party casually greeted her and Ville, and if they even realized after a while he sang in a semi-famous band, they largely ignored it. Only Dave, the singer to Ella’s old band (or was that ex-band…?) seemed to latch on to who Ville was, remembering him from the gig, and took him aside after a while to talk about singing and recording.  
They were just having fun drinking and dancing, and even Ville seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself in this crowd of unknown people.

‘Hey,’ Ella said, catching the attention of Lena, one of her friends. Whenever they went out to this bar, Sam was usually with them. ‘Sam not with you tonight?’

‘No,’ Lena responded, ‘she bailed on us at the last moment. Said she was not feeling well.’

‘Not feeling well…? She mentioned nothing about that this afternoon…’

Lena just shrugged and took another sip from her drink, but Ella knew something was up. She’d called Sam in between the hospital visit and rushing over to Ville, gushing over their plans that night. Sam had mentioned going out with Lena and the others and had said _absolutely_ nothing about feeling ill.

‘Ville,’ She grabbed his arm to get his attention away from Dave, ‘I’m going outside to give Sam a call. Something’s up.’

Ville looked confused for a moment, but then took her drink from her, holding onto it for her.

‘Ok love. I’ll just steal your friends in the meantime.’

‘You do that,’ She said, and chuckled to herself as she made her way outside. Ville seemed to have truly shed his hermit ways the last few weeks, casually meeting people in random bars in random cities and not being paranoid. She almost felt proud of herself, for instigating that.

Once outside, she sat down in a secluded corner of the terrace and phoned Sam, who sounded slightly out of breath when she finally picked up. But unfortunately not in the I-have-a-terrible-cold kind of way.

‘Hey Sam. So we’re at _Engel_ , and Lena told me you were feeling sick.’

‘Yes.’ Sam sounded just a little bit too eager, and coughed theatrically.

‘Cut the crap Sam. What’s up?’

‘Shit. Busted.’ She responded, and started to explain what was really going on.

\----------

By the time Ella got back inside, Lena was trying to get Ville to dance with her. He seemed to be reluctantly joining in. Casually drinking with friends was one thing, dancing to some vague German industrial rockband was seemingly still a step too far for him. Ella stopped him dancing and leaned in close, so only he could hear her.

‘When we get out of here, we need to talk.’

Ville actually looked alarmed for a moment. ‘Did I do something wrong?’

‘No… Sam did.’

‘Shit.’ He responded, and Ella just nodded at him with a knowing look.  
  
They stayed for a little while longer, Ella taking Ville’s place at Lena’s side on the dancefloor and dancing with Lena for a while, and for once, thoroughly enjoying it. She could feel Ville’s eyes on her from a distance away, as she danced. When the song changed to a Type o Negative song, and she suddenly felt a hand on her lower back, there could be no question about who it was. Ella let herself be turned around by Ville’s hands, pulling her hips closer to him. They danced, and courtesy of a few drinks, she completely lost herself in the music and the moment. Ville was grinning at her, all attention as she swayed her hips to the song, closing her eyes and letting herself be carried away as the chorus kicked off. Ville’s hands burned on her hips, increasing pressure. He turned her around again and locked his arms around her from behind, not losing the momentum of the music for even one beat. He had moves after all. Ella pressed herself against him, drunk on the intoxicating mixture of a sonic and sensory high, feeling Ville’s hips pressed against hers and his warm breath tickling her neck.

‘Do you have any idea what you’re doing to me…’ He muttered in her ear, during a break in the song. Ella just smirked to herself, loving the effect she had on him. It was an empowering, invincible feeling. She had an inkling of just what she was doing to him, with him pressed against her hard. There were a million butterflies fluttering around in her stomach as well, and an incessant need to just be as close to Ville as possible. She turned around again and hooked her arms around him this time, still dancing and pulling him to her again. Ville buried his face in the crook of her neck, nuzzling her skin, planting light kissed on the sensitive spot just below her jawline, all the while keeping the momentum. She had to keep her knees from buckling, holding tightly unto Ville.

‘Let’s get out of here,’ Ville said, for the second time that night, when the song ended, pulling her off the dancefloor. Ella was only mildly surprised when Ville held her hand all the time while they said their goodbyes to her friends, and as he pulled her outside the bar and down the street. She needed to touch just this little bit of him, needed to maintain the contact. She didn’t even care he was pulling her totally into the wrong direction, away from the studio and the apartment.  
They made their way down the street, and once away from the bigger crowd of barhoppers, down a quiet and secluded street, Ville pulled her to him and kissed her. Ella answered his kiss eagerly, still worked up from their dance in the bar just a little while earlier. She pushed him to the side, earning herself a chuckle and another kiss.

‘Eager, are we?’  
  
They backed into the side of a building and Ville took control again, keeping her pressed against the wall, lips colliding with hers again, kissing her hard and passionately. She couldn’t help but moan softly as his hips pressed against hers and he moved his lips down her neck, kissing all the sensitive spots and pressing her firmly into the wall. Ville kept still, but she couldn’t help but wiggle to grind her pelvis against his, wanting him close, even closer.

‘Oh god,’ she moaned. She wanted him, wanted him bad right now, inhibitions gone, trauma momentarily forgotten. But not like this, not pressed up against some grimy wall in a backstreet. Reluctantly she slowed down, getting him to lift his head and look at her.

‘As much as I’m enjoying myself…’

‘Not like this.’ He finished her thoughts for her, and pressed his forehead against hers for a moment, both trying to get their breathing under control again.

‘Come on.’ She finally said, pulling him in the right direction this time.

\-----------

They walked together in comfortable silence for a while, the fresh night air cooling them both down enough to make their heads lucid again. Despite their initial hurry to get home, they slowed down now, taking in the night air. It was a lovely evening out, a gentle warmth still in the air after another warm day. Ville seemed to think so too, because when she guided him down a street and he saw a park nearby, he pulled her along towards it.

‘But that’s out of the way…’ She protested, only to be answered by a small huff at first.

‘It’s so nice outside tonight. Small detour.’

‘Ok.’  
  
She fell into step next to Ville again, while their pace slowed more to a saunter, enjoying their surroundings in the park.

‘So, what was the matter with Sam? You said there was something wrong?’ Ville asked, his head apparently more lucid than hers, because Ella had totally forgotten about Sam and her news.

‘Yeah… Or well… _wrong…_ ’ She said, wondering how she was going to make it all sound less stupid than it actually was.

‘Oh God…’  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fun with this one :D Hope it was good.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	36. Settling The Score With Love For Once And For All

  
‘Is she…?’ He indicated a babybump with his hands, looking shocked.

‘Oh! God no… Nothing as bad. No little BamBam on the way. She just… When I called her, she’d _just_ arrived to the airport…’

‘Airport….?’ Ville interrupted, before realization dawned upon him. ‘Aha.’  
Ella explained. ‘Apparently, Bam suddenly called her yesterday after weeks of radio silence, ghosting her, if we’re being honest, and they realized he had some downtime, and she had some vacation days left and he just flew her to the US.’

‘It’s a fucking intercontinental booty call. The idiot. Hold on.’

He pulled her towards the nearby duck pond, with a raised concrete sitting area, and they sat down on the edge. Ville got out his phone, much to Ella’s surprise.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Calling the gentleman to hear what his intentions with your lovely friend are.’

Could it be that Ville was actually worried Sam’s feelings might get hurt? Though Ella was worried about that as well, she was also fully aware that both Bam and Sam were more or less responsible adults, who both knew damn well what they were doing. If shit hit the proverbial fan, Sam would have to deal with the consequences herself.

‘Mr. Margera.’ Ville said, when Bam picked up, putting him on speaker right away so Ella could hear too.

‘Wille Walo. So Sam called Ella before she left, huh?’

‘Yup. We heard about the little plan you and Sam came up with.’

‘Nice, right?’

‘Well… Do you really think it’s smart thing to do to just fly Sam out to America suddenly on a whim?’

‘Of course not. But it’s just a bit of fun. Vacation in exotic Westchester. It’s not like I asked her to move in immediately.’

Ville rolled his eyes and covered his phone slightly, so Bam couldn’t hear. ‘Note the ‘immediately’.’  
  
Bam just talked on. ‘Look, Sam was mad at me at first, but we talked things through, and we really hit it off last time… I really wanted to see her again. I actually like this chick, man.’

‘Small comfort.’ Ella muttered, before she could stop herself.

‘Ella, that you? You’re there as well? Hey Ella. I mean well, you know, flying Sam over. It’s just a bit of fun.’

Yeah, that was _exactly_ what Ella was worried about. Just a bit of fun. Bam continued. ‘And you know, normally I would have invited you and Ville as well, but Ville needs to finish making that goddamn album so I can listen to it, and you have to make him finish it. So you two lovebirds are not invited. And with that, good night!’  
And he promptly hung up.  
  


‘Touché,’ Ella said, ‘he has a point there, about the album.’

Ville huffed, everyone was ganging up on him to finish the album as soon as possible. Both of them realized simultaneously time was running out for the two of them, and what Bam had just showed them, was a glimpse into the future.

‘When will you be done?’ Ella asked, a pit forming in her stomach suddenly.

‘It’s hard to say, honestly. We’re doing some more recording next week, then some overdubs, the final touches and then mixing the album. A few weeks, probably?’

Was a few weeks all they had left? She’d known all along of course, that some day soon the guys would be done, and they would all pack up and leave. She’d just been too caught up in Ville, their little moments together, to realize that in between every weekend she spent here, they were getting a lot of work done. In between every weekend were 5 days inevitably bringing them closer to goodbye. Ville realized something was wrong when he saw the joy had drained from her face.

‘Hey…’ He placed one of his hands on hers, making eyecontact. ‘What’s the matter?’

‘Ville… What will happen to us, once you go back to Finland?’

He was silent for a while, thinking his answer over. She appreciated him for that, actually thinking this through, instead of giving her some vacuous assurances and half-truths. Though part of her was also suddenly scared. What if he didn’t even want to try to keep this alive, long-distance? They’d been having a good time together, but what if it was only just that for him, a good time? A fling. Did his feelings run as deep as hers?

He looked away from her as he spoke, and her heart dropped. Oh no.

‘Darling. I really, _really_ like you. I can’t promise or say where this will eventually lead us. What it will turn in to. But I’m willing to find out if you are. And I really hope you are too.’ He paused then, and finally looked at her again, almost as insecure as she herself had been feeling.  
Well, shit

\---------

Ella seemed speechless at first, averting her eyes like he had done before. She’d seemed worried, and he really hoped this meant she was reluctant to give this up too, to give it a try. For as far as he was concerned, he wanted them to make this last. He couldn’t imagine life without her anymore. All the women before Ella were forgotten, all the women after Ella could never compare. It would break his heart if she backed out now, he was too far gone already.

‘I… I am too.’ She, averted her eyes then, and almost seemed afraid to continue. ‘I was afraid you might consider this all just some sort of… holiday fling.’

‘Of course not. I’d have made that clear from the start. I don’t kiss and run.’ He smirked at her, and she seemed to relax a bit, now the word was out. Had he known this was still a question for her in the first place, he’d have made his intentions much clearer from the start.  
He saw relief pass over her face, and his heart felt just as relieved too, probably swelling up to three times its regular size. Her face changed again then, lips pursed, looking quite stern.

‘Good. Just don’t expect me to fly out to you on your every whim like Sam just did for Bam. I do have a life, you know.’

She huffed theatrically, only joking, but he realized there was a grain of truth to what she said. Don’t pull any stupid stunts, and don’t expect her to put everything aside for him.

‘I know.’ He reassured her. ‘We’ll figure it out as we go along.’

\--------

Ella was reassured by Ville’s words. He’d taken away her insecurities, and any pressure she might have felt about him expecting her to just fly out to Finland everytime. No pressure. They would let the chips fall where they may. Though she couldn’t imagine ever giving him up. He was as much a part of her as Kevin had been, scary as that thought may be. They sat in silence for a while, looking out across the water. She cuddled up to Ville’s side, the whole conversation about him leaving made her want to keep him even closer.

‘Just look at those stars.’ He muttered, after a while. It must have been a new moon, because she could see hundreds, if not thousands of stars, even in the middle of this big, bright city. Her neck started hurting after a while, from looking up, and she lay back on the concrete elevation they were sitting on. The concrete was warm on her back, the warmth from that day still trapped inside. Ville followed suit and lay down next to her.

‘The star over there, that really bright one?’ Ella pointed out a star to him. ‘That’s Sirius. And there’s Arcturus over there. And see that star over there, that especially twinkly one?’

‘They’re all twinkly love.’

‘No… That one.’ She took his hand and pointed at the one she meant with both their hands. ‘That one, it’s kind of bluish.’

‘Yeah, I see.’

‘That’s not actually a star. I think that’s Venus. Because it’s so blue.’

‘I think you might be right.’ Ville said, next to her. ‘We found your planet, can we find mine too?’

‘What, Mars? You’re from a totally different planet Mr. Valo…’

He laughed for a moment, and they fell silent again, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. She held on to his hand, after pointing out all the stars to him, and could feel how he softly stroked her hand with his thumb. It soothed her. The night had been a whirlwind of different emotions, but Ella felt calm now, lazy.

‘When’s the last time you looked at the stars. I mean _really_ looked?’ She asked him.

‘No clue. Probably years ago. How about you?’

Pretty recently actually, back at home. And I know I did a lot of staring up at the sky the night we met.’ Ella admitted. It was true. She remembered feeling quite shy around Ville as they walked the city that first night, and she looked away and up at the sky a lot, to avoid eye contact.

‘We seem to be wandering around the streets at night a lot.’ Ville laughed. That was also true, but Ella couldn’t really imagine anyone better to spend her nights like this with.

\---------

The wind picked up, and after a while Ville realized Ella was trembling. He was nice and cosy, in his shirt sleeves and blazer, but Ella had bare arms and legs. She must be freezing by now, and it hadn’t even crossed his mind to give her his jacket to wear. Quite the gentleman he was.

‘You must be freezing. He said, before pulling her close so she lay half on top of his chest.

‘I’m fine.’ Ella assured him, but he could feel her arms were cold to the touch. He started rubbing her arms, trying to warm her up. He was enjoying the moment too much to go back to the apartment just yet, so if he could stretch it, that would be great. The night had been pure bliss, the best in a long time. Dinner with his lady, a heated stint in a bar that held a promise of more to come, a nighttime walk and now she was in his arms. He enjoyed the feeling of calm and peacefulness, treasuring these moments and this night together, just staring up at the stars. His eyes kept drifting back to the star Ella had pointed out to him. Venus. Only she would know which of the thousands of stars was Sirius. Or Arcturus. And which one was actually Venus. His Venus yawned in his arms. She seemed to be drifting off, her breaths deepening, a sigh every now and then. A melody that had been plaguing him for days without coming to fruition suddenly came drifting back to him. A steadily, ascending melody. He explored it for a while, losing his trail of thoughts a few times, whenever Ella moved or sighed and he got distracted. But then it all clicked, and he couldn’t help but hum softly to himself. Fleeting words came to him, and they just fit.

_All dreams are of you, my Venus Doom._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just adore Venus Doom, had to work it in somehow haha! 
> 
> Thanks for reading once again :)


	37. Watch Me Fall For You, My Venus Doom

  
‘Time to wake up, love.’  
  
Ville’s words woke her from her slumber, along with the soft touch of his fingers caressing her cheek. She let out a little squeak and stretched lazily, until she realized she was still lying half on concrete and half on Ville. God, she’d actually fallen asleep.

‘Oh shit, I dozed off. How long was I asleep for?’ 

She remembered looking up at the stars, and Ville softly starting to hum something, some melody, but after that she must have dropped off.

‘About 30 minutes or so.’

Crap, 30 minutes of him staring at a lifeless corps in his arms. What a sight that must have been. Ville seemed unfazed though, and smiled at her contently as she sat up. Maybe he hadn’t minded that much after all.

‘Come on, let’s get you home.’ He said, helping her up. Home. She loved that he called it home to her too. She followed him, still yawning, catching up with him as he walked and crawled under his arm again, slipping an arm under his blazer, to get back some of his warmth.

‘It’s getting light out already.’ Ella stated, realizing it must be later than she thought.

‘I know. In Finland it would already be completely light out already. Sun shining already at 4 AM.’

‘Must be marvelous.’

‘Not as great as you think actually. Try going to sleep when it’s full-blown light out. Especially in the north where the sun doesn’t set at all.’

‘Ok, insane. But still, it must be quite the experience. Midnight sun.’

‘Next year I’ll take you to a Midsummer festival up north, so you can see it for yourself.’

‘Deal.’

She wondered if they’d still be together by then. She really hoped so. But if their conversation a while earlier told her anything, it taught her to hold on to that hope. At least they were both serious about this, and it wasn’t just some short-lived fling for him. 

\-----------

When they got back to the apartment, there seemed to be some urgency in Ville. He took a notepad and his acoustic guitar, and trotted off outside to the balcony. She’d rarely seen him use the balcony, he usually smoked inside, but now he gestured for her to come out and sit down as well.

‘It’s too nice out. Unless you want to go to sleep, of course?’ He asked, but she instantly realized she would be sleeping alone then. She’d seen this happen before, had seen inspiration suddenly take hold, and knew she’d lose him to his music for a while. Despite still being a bit tired, her little nap had revived her, and she was curious to see what Ville was up to. Seeing him write was like seeing a genius at work sometimes, it all came so easily. She’d written songs herself in the past, but it had always been a tedious, slow process, requiring lots of co-writing help from Dave or Richard, mulling over chords, notes, lyrics and whatnot.  
She followed Ville out a few minutes later, handing him a glass of wine, before sitting down next to him with a blanket wrapped around herself. Ville was jotting down notes. Chord progressions, and what seemed like lyrics.

_Watch me fall for you, my Venus Doom_

_Hide my heart, where all dreams are entombed_

_my Venus Doom_

She could just make out the words to what was apparently the chorus, which he’d written quickly and in one go, Ville softly humming the words, trying them out with the chords he had in mind. Apparently this was what he’d been chewing on while she was asleep, out under the stars. It was unmistakable to her where the inspiration had come from.

‘So I’m Venus Doom, huh?’ She asked, but was only answered with a sly smile and more strumming.  
It sounded bad, doom. Being doomed… But what if she was his feminine doom, the end goal? His fate. Hiding his heart where all their dreams lay hidden, safely locked away in their minds? Entombed, in HIM-slang.

She watched with interest as more little of those little signs, insider information, made it into the lyrics. _Through our dark garden of insanity_ , he’d written. It could be taken figuratively of course, but also quite literally, they’d just come from a dark garden where they’d spoken of insanity in the form of their mutual friends doing something slightly insane. Or perhaps insanity of trying to make something work long distance. But no one knew but them.  
Other stuff was more vague to her, but also, she guessed, much more personal to him. He wrote,

_She’ll be the light to guide you back home_

_just give her a kiss worth living for_

_and open your arms_.

Things that were hard to say aloud, and much easier to put down in music, even if it was for all to hear. She knew all about it. For a long time, she’d barely been able to express herself about Kevin’s death, but in putting it down in songlyrics, it was much easier to open up, cope.

After some trial and error, Ville crossed out _living_ , replaced it with _dying._ Again, much more in HIM’s vein, she had to admit, and it sounded better than _living_ as he sang it, softly, privately, not even meant for her ears, it seemed.  
Ville mulled further on the second verse, as Ella slowly watched it getting lighter out.

He’d skipped some lyrics at the second verse, and went on with the second half of it.  
 _Just show me a life worth living for_ , which mirrored the ‘ _just give her a kiss worth dying for_ ’ part of the first verse. But the second half of that lyric apparently had him stumped. He tried ‘ _open your arms_ ’ again, but quickly dismissed it.

‘No. It can’t be the same.’ He muttered, more to himself than to her. ‘Open your heart. _And open your heart. Open your heart._ ’ He sang, before immediately breaking out into Madonna song. ‘ _Open your heart to me, darling, I’ll hold the lock if you’ll hold the key_. Great, now that’s stuck in my fucking head.’

Ella couldn’t help but laugh out loud at his thought process and hilarious associations. The guy knew his Madonna, apparently. She could already imagine him, secretly watching Madonna videos on YouTube in his downtime. Her initial giggle turned into a full-out belted laughter, and she just couldn’t stop herself, until she saw the frustrated look on his face. She regained her composure and watched as he struggled, still stuck on, ‘and open your heart’.

‘And and and…’

‘ _And light up the dark_?’ She sang to him, mirroring his melody from before, hoping she’d remembered alright. He just looked at her, completely gob-smacked, and she wanted to just disappear from sight. It was fucking stupid of her to have interrupted him, with some silly suggestion. Probably broke his concentration completely.

‘Darling… You’re brilliant.’ He took her head in his two hands, and gave her a big smooch. When he sang it back to her, it just worked.

_‘Just show me a life worth living for_

_And light up the dark._

_Watch me fall, for you…My Venus Doom…_

Etcetera etcetera. It works. So bloody simple.’

It would be time for sunrise soon, she could see some red and yellow streaking in the lightening blue sky already. She wanted to just take a snapshot of this moment, to remember it forever, so she took a picture with her phone. Ville, guitar in his hand, completely lost in his playing, staring out at the twilight sky, fiery sunrise as his backdrop. Ville just smiled when he noticed her, and she took another one, this one more candid and less ethereal with his attention focused on her. What a perfect night this had been. The joy she felt was immense, getting the chance to watch this gorgeous sunrise, in this situation. Smiling stupidly to herself, sitting, warmly wrapped in her blanket, next to the man she was deeply in love with. Hearing his perfect, deep, velvety voice, a new song by one of her favorite bands being born.

‘Now you’ve got your phone out anyway, could you record this, so I can demo it? I have no idea where I left my own phone.’

‘Sure.’ Even more perfect. She set her phone to record, and pointed it toward Ville.

‘Oh you’re videoing? Audio would be fine.’

Ella just mouthed no and gave him a sly smile. He could split the audio afterwards if he wanted, but this one was for her.

_\---------_

‘So do I get songwriting credit now?’ Ella jokingly asked Ville a little while later. Ville had gotten rid of his guitar, and had stolen her blanket, wrapping it around them both, with her in his arms. They were lying back, still looking at the world waking up around them.

‘Well… You’ve definitely earned your spot in the ‘HIM would like to thank’ section in the booklet. Somewhere near the bottom of the list, I imagine.’

‘Ville!’ She knocked back her arm, elbowing him in the ribcage. ‘You ass. I was actually only kidding though.’

‘I know. So was I. You’re _very_ high on my list.’ 

‘Gee, thanks.’

‘Really though. You are. And my muse for this song. Several songs actually.’

‘I had an inkling already.’ Ella laughed, before realizing Ville had actually said _several_ songs. ‘Wait. Seriously? Several?’

‘Yeah. There’s bits of you in several songs. There’s one I wanted to run by you actually. It’s… I took some liberties, maybe.’ 

’Alright, let’s hear it.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just noticed when I went to upload this chapter that there's 400 hits already on this silly old tale :D Thanks guys! Hope everyone is enjoying the read, I sure as hell enjoy writing it on these cold lockdown evenings.


	38. Paint All Your Sorrows For Me To Sing

  
She’d half expected Ville to start playing the guitar again, but he disappeared inside and came back with his phone moments later.

‘You need to hear the whole song. Not acoustic.’

‘Alright.’

‘And just… This still needs re-recording, and mixing and mastering. This is the first version we recorded. It’s not finished. So if you’re not okay with this, I can always change some stuff, or change it entirely, or scrap it…’

‘Ville… Just play it.’

She was getting curious now. Ville was obviously nervous about letting her hear this song, and it made her wonder just how personal it was. It started out simple, with just some notes on the guitar, and she feared it would be some sappy ballad. She hated those. But to her surprise, after a few seconds, the song burst out into full chords and heavy riffs, before calming down again, with light guitars and bright, high vocals.

_Despair has a face_

_And all these wounds remain unhealed_

_Blessed to kill and enslaved_

_Are all hearts around love's will_

_Thrilled to start all over again  
  
_

_Crawl down Dead Lovers' Lane_

_The maze of memories stained_

_And suck the blood right out of my heart  
  
_

_Fear has a name_

_Written on unhallowed ground with dead leaves_

_Those words never fail_

_To feed the hunger that dreams_

_Our needs beyond God's grasp  
  
_

_Scream out love's name in vain_

_Embrace the pain again_

_And lose yourself alone in the dark_

_On Dead Lovers' Lane_

When the song ended, Ella was silent for a while. It was not what she had expected at all. Not the sappy ballad, but in a way, something so much more personal, at least to her. It was pretty obvious this was about her again. Dead lovers… That was about as blunt as it could get. Dead Lovers, Memory Lane… Wounds that remain unhealed, a maze of memories that stain and suck the blood. It should have been painful, to see her private suffering be written down in song, but surprisingly, it wasn’t. She almost felt that she had to be upset with Ville, for using something so personal, something that was not his too share, in song. But she just… couldn’t be upset, not really. In fact, it gave her some perspective on her own suffering. To _her_ , these words were insanely personal. But to others, some random listener, these words were probably pretty generic. Everyone had dead lovers, maybe not literally, but at least figuratively. Everyone went through similar feelings, no matter where those feelings stemmed from, death or just a breakup. Hell, these words probably were as much about Ville’s suffering about breaking up with Noora, than her own suffering about her own actually dead ex-lover.

‘Ella?’

She looked up at Ville, realizing she had been silent for too long, but couldn’t quite explain how she felt yet. She’d been overwhelmed, trying to process all these feelings, all the thoughts swirling through her brain.

‘It’s ok if you don’t like it. We don’t have to reco…’

‘It’s… fine, actually, Ville.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah… You know, to me it sounds very personal… It’s painful in a way. But I’m sure hardly anyone but me and you will make the connection. Anyone can relate to these feelings of taking a trip down memory lane of all your past loves…’

It was a strangely positive song too, at least musically. Despite the lyrics, it didn’t sound sad at all. ‘And you know… it’s a good song. It almost sounds… hopeful, in some way. Besides, I can’t deny that it just perfectly describes…. The whole situation. What I’m trying to get past. What we’re trying to work through.’

Ville nodded thoughtfully as well, and it struck her again that lyrics so easily showed the emotions and feelings they both hadn’t been able to put into words towards eachother.

‘So, if we were to record this…’

‘Are you asking me if you can release this?’

‘I guess. I think you deserve the right to veto this one.’

Ella thought for a while. It was a very personal song. But weren’t all songs just little insights into people’s deepest, darkest feelings? His even more than hers, in this case, since it described his feelings as well, and he’d poured his heart out into it.

‘I could live with it. I just wouldn’t like to hear it all too often, I imagine. And just… don’t elaborate on it too much, if anyone asks.’

‘I never do. Illusiveness is my forte.’ He grinned at her stupidly, and she couldn’t help but snort. She turned and sat back again against his chest, while Ville wrapped the blanket around them again.

‘Show me more. More new HIM songs I can get a scoop on?’  
  


Ville let het listen to some other songs and snippets, before finally returning to the “demo” she had just recorded and sent over to his phone, of the Venus Doom song. Listening to it once over, and already finding things to tweak.

She pondered for a while, thinking about his songwriting. ‘Does it happen often, that you can write a song almost completely in one sitting? It never really happened for me like that.’

‘Sometimes. Sometimes I get manic and just vomit songs out, not sleeping and just writing for days on end. But most of the time it takes me weeks, sometimes months or even years to finish something. Or it’s just loose ideas that fit together, like there’s bits of you in the new songs, even though at least half of the songs were written before we came here. This one from tonight still needs a bridge too. Something I have lying around from years ago might fit with this one. We’ll see.’

As interesting as it was to hear all about Ville’s songwriting, tiredness was catching up with Ella. It must be nearing 7 AM already, sun already shining full-out. The combined warmth of the blanket around them, and some alcohol still in her bloodstream made her sleepy again. Ville was calm now too, now he’d gotten the song out of his system. He noticed her snuggling up to him again, trying to find a comfortable spot.

‘Guess this night is officially coming to an end, isn’t it?’

‘Unfortunately so. I’m sorry but I can’t keep my eyes open any longer.’

‘Let’s get you to bed then, hell you were already napping hours ago.’ 

\--------

Ella was on the dancefloor again, the music throbbing all around her, in time with her heartbeat. The bass pounded in her ears, drowning out all other sound. Lights flashed on and off in the dark club, and it was hard to really see anything. Looking out over the dancefloor, she saw a throng of bodies, but all the faces were unintelligible, in the flashing lights, until one stood out to her. Kevin, dancing a little while away, with some unrecognizable shape. Strangely, the sight of him didn’t alarm Ella. She was in a bar, dancing, amongst friends, people she felt comfortable with. She knew Ville was behind her, grinding up to her. She saw his tattooed arms encircling her and knew she was safe in this excitement. Closing her eyes, she lost herself in the music once more, feeling strong arms turn her around after a while. A sense of déjà vu, as she realized she’d experienced all this before.

‘Kiss me.’ She murmured, lifting her face towards Ville. He obliged, kissing her fiercely. She answered his kiss, things heating up She wanted to open her eyes, only to realize her eyes were already opened wide, it was just too dark to see. Something was wrong. She tried to move away from Ville, but he had a death grip on her arms. When she finally did manage to get herself loose, it wasn’t Ville who was holding on to her anymore. It was Kevin. The most horrible, strange, emotionless death mask on his face. A huge grin, showing no emotion, because you can’t show emotion when you’re dead, not really, but still grinning at her nonetheless, a terrible, toothy, dead grin.

\---------

The shriek died down in her throat just in time. Breathing still ragged, Ella’s eyes flew open. She was trying to get her breathing under control, and not to start sobbing out load. Ville was fast asleep beside her, back turned towards her, oblivious to her sorrow. Somewhere in the back of her mind she had known it was a dream, she just hadn’t been able to stop it, escape from it. It had been a painful dream, unnecessarily cruel of her brain to put her through this. They’d been having such a wonderful night, and just when she finally thought she was getting over things, the lifelike nightmares popped up again. She used to dream of Kevin, every night, shortly after he passed. They’d come back a while ago, in full force, but recently things had seemed better. All these nightmares, all these broken nights were taking a toll on her though. Realizing she would need some fresh air to really calm down again, she got out of bed and sneaked out of the bedroom.

\---------

Ville listened as Ella stealthily made her way out of the bedroom. She’d jolted him awake, like a jump scare. He could hear her panicked breathing and his heart broke at the barely audible sounds of half-sobs being choked back. He was just about to turn around to her, when Ella suddenly slipped out of bed and sneaked out to the livingroom. It wasn’t the first time he’d been woken by Ella having a nightmare, nor would it be the last, he assumed. She’d accidently woken him up a few times, told him she’d had a nightmare, but she never really elaborated. A few times he’d softly shushed her in her troubled sleep, and she hadn’t even woken up, but had gradually calmed down. It seemed an almost nightly occurrence, especially at first, though recently things had gotten better, and Ella had slept calmly.

Sighing to himself, he got up as well after a few minutes, giving her some time first. He found her sitting on the windowsill, staring outside.

‘You ok?’

She jumped a bit when he spoke, and snapped out of her thoughts. ‘Yeah. Sorry if I woke you.’

‘No problem. But just… come back to bed. You barely slept two hours.’

‘I don’t think I could go back to sleep. But you go and get some more shuteye.’

She turned away from him again, but he wouldn’t give up that easily. They’d both barely slept, she had to be exhausted too. He went over to her and wrapped his arms around her, kissing the top of her head. She leaned back against him, which was a good sign. Only weeks ago she would have tensed up in moments like these, hard to reach, shut off from him.

‘Please come back to bed. Just rest if you really can’t sleep anymore.’

She let herself be guided back by him, and they both returned to the comfort of a cosy bed and eachothers company. They both tried to sleep some more, but Ville quickly noticed Ella had really lost all appetite for sleep. She shifted around for a while, before turning back towards him. After a while a featherlight touch roused him from his half-slumber, and he opened an eye to see her trace the swirly tattoo on his arm. Noticing he was awake again, she spoke.

‘I heard back from my colleague, managed to swap that shift with her.’

‘So you’re coming with us to London?’

‘Guess I am.’

He couldn’t help but show her a stupid smirk, genuinely happy she was joining them. She grinned back at him just as widely, so he guessed the feeling was mutual.

‘I’m so happy you’re coming along.’

‘Me too. Thanks for asking me.’

‘Of course.’ Did she really think it was such a huge concession or something on his part to ask her along? He wanted her along, for fucks sake. For everything. Every little trip he’d have to make, every tour they’d go on. He realized full well that would be damn near impossible, but at least he could have her along for this one.

‘You know, I’ve never actually been to London.’ Ella admitted.

‘Really? Oh, I’m sure you’ll love it. It’s one of my favorite cities.’

‘So… If I can’t sleep anyway… Tell me all about it.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Again, I'm taking some liberties with mentioning "new album songs", using this song and that song wherever it suits the story. Please forgive it if I go from the VD album to Greatest Lovesongs to Tears on Tape in the course of the story ;)


	39. I Find Myself To Be Lost In The Arms Of Your Fate

5 AM. Ella couldn’t remember the last time she’d woken up that early voluntarily. She’d woken up at 5, quickly dressed, and made her way over to the city, to meet the guys. She parked her car in front of the building the studio and the apartments were housed in, and got out her small suitcase and handbag. Ville buzzed her up, and she was greeted by a chaotic scene. The apartment was a complete mess, as Ville hurled stuff into a backpack in the bedroom hurriedly, looking disheveled and half-dressed. They’d have to leave for the airport at 6.15, still plenty of time, but not if you still had to pack all of your stuff and woke up late.

‘Trouble getting out of bed this morning?’ Ella asked, giving Ville a quick peck on the lips, and making her way over to the kitchen, to make them both a quick cup of coffee, talking with Ville through the open doorway.

‘Yeah, didn’t sleep very well, to be honest.’

‘Oh? Nervous?’

‘Not nervous really. Just… restless. I missed having you around, don’t seem to sleep so well without you next to me.’

Ella snorted at that, vividly remembering the last weekend they’d spent together, when she’d woken him up by having yet another nightmare. But to be honest, it was also incredibly good to hear that Ville apparently had really missed her during the weekdays they’d spent apart. He came into the kitchen just as she had his cup of coffee ready.

‘Have you seen my cigarettes anywhere?’ He asked, gratefully taking a cup of coffee from her hands.

‘No. But I’ll help you look.’

She helped him search, until there was a knock on the door. When she went to open it, Mige walked in, looking as dazed and tired as Ville.

‘Hey Ella.’ He gave her a hug, before sniffing the air. ‘Oh is that coffee I smell?’

‘Yeah, there’s still some left if you want.’

Mige disappeared into the kitchen, and Ella finally had an epiphany. Sure enough, when she checked in between the pillows of the couch, she found a small rectangular package.

‘Here.’ Ville was in the process of putting on his shoes, but caught the pack of cigarettes she threw towards him from the doorway.

‘Oh, you’re an angel.’

Of course, she knew that already. He was finally done packing too, now he had his precious smokes, and zipped up the backpack.

‘All done. Let’s get going.’

\------------

Ella watched in wonder as the plane descended towards London. She saw the city from above, vast and expansive in all directions, past where she could even see.

‘Wow, look at that…’ She murmured, much to Ville’s amusement.

‘Excited?’

‘YES. Very much. Thank you for this.’ She said, taking Ville’s hand.

‘You don’t have to thank me. How many times do I have to tell you the pleasure is all mine?’ He playfully asked.

‘Probably a thousand times more.’

‘Just wait until you can join us to the States…’

Ella’s eyes widened at the thought. The more serious it got between her and Ville, the more she realized what kind of future could await her. The States. US of fucking A. They’d tour there, sure enough. What if she got to join them for a bit… All the other places she might get to see like that. The thought was mind-boggling, and slightly intimidating. And if she was being totally honest… Finland would as a start would be the absolute best. Not moving ahead of themselves too much. Besides… As a country, Finland sounded magnificent, and from what she’d googled and seen from Ville, Helsinki looked like an amazing city. But they’d better start in London, at least for a couple of days…

\----------

They met Seppo, and the other two “band wifes” joining them for the weekend, about an hour after they landed. Seppo gave her a hug again, like the last time they’d met at an airport. Two gorgeous women stood behind him, hugging their respective husband and boyfriend.

There was a rather tall redhead, Tiina, Mige’s girl, and a petite dark-haired woman, Maija, Linde’s wife. They greeted her like an old acquaintance, both giving her a big old hug.

‘So, you must be the new muse, huh?’ The redhead, Tiina said.

‘Don’t know about that.’ Ella mumbled, though she had to admit, her mind went back to last weekend, when Ville had written Venus Doom. ‘But hi, I’m Ella,’ she introduced herself.

The two women introduced themselves too, and seemed very friendly to her from the start. They took her in tow without as much as a second glance, guiding her through that first day of promo work for the band. After dropping their stuff off at the hotel, everyone made their way over to a photo shoot, and then a radio station and then another one. Ella had no clue what was going on most of the time, and was happy with Maija and Tiina’s guidance during the day, whenever Ville was off doing something with the band. The girls seemed all too familiar with whatever was happening.

‘So, do you often join the guys on tour?’ Ella asked. If this was indeed her future, it would be nice to have a few partners in crime.

‘Sometimes,’ Maija answered. ‘Not for entire tours, but a weekend here and there, or something short like this promotional tour. Tiina a bit more often maybe, because I can’t always take Olivia, our daughter, with me or drop her off with my parents.’

‘You must miss her terribly.’

‘Not as much as Linde has to miss her.’ Maija said, which was all too true, he’d often spoken about it, even to her.

‘Oh, this will be a long one.’ Tiina mumbled after a while, as they watched the host doing the the radio interview muck up the question. Ville and the guys were all professional smiles and answers, as they did the second radio interview that day.

The women were watching from a distance, nurturing their umpteenth cup of tea that day. Ella caught Ville’s eye during the interview, and earned a secretive smile from him. Maija noticed.

‘So how’d you two meet?’

'They had a concert in Dusseldorf a while ago and...' Before she could say anything she was interrupted by Tiina.

'Oh! Classic groupie hookup?’

Ella was offended at first, but seeing the smile on Tiina’s face, she knew she was only joking. She waved the comment away, smiling.

‘No. I wish. We beat around the bush for a month at least.’ She took another sip from her tea, before continuing. ‘I had a gig in the same venue that night, back in February, in a smaller auditorium, with my own band. Now ex-band. Our dressing room was near HIM's dressing room, and due to some freak occurrence, we all met. Your respective husband and boyfriend were quite boring and went to sleep rather early, but Ville and I went for a 3 AM walk. So we did that, had a few drinks, he left and that was it.'

Maija grabbed another cookie from the snack plateau at the middle of the table they were sitting at. 'What do you mean that was it? That can't be it... Otherwise you wouldn't be sitting here right now.’

'He contacted me again when they came ‘round to record the album. I helped them out a bit in my weird little country, started hanging out a lot with Ville, and it just... happened, finally, one drunken night. '

'How romantic...' Maija sighed when Ella was done, making her laugh.

'Well...doesn’t sound romantic at all like this.'

'Yeah but still...hearing you tell it with such a happy glow over your face makes it romantic, and seeing Ville sitting there with that stupidly blissful face…' Ella looked up at Ville, and saw he was glancing at her indeed, smiling at her, while the interviewer was doing a song announcement. She hoped the interview wasn’t being videotaped, because it would definitely look weird, Ville smiling at someone off camera all the time. But he probably knew what he was doing. Just smile and wave, she thought, and that’s what she did.

\----------

‘So, you seemed to be getting along pretty well with Tiina and Maija.’ Ville said that evening, as they were getting ready to go to bed. They were staying in a fancy hotel, with a very nice bar downstairs, but due to the early wake-up that morning, they were both too tired to go out for drinks or do anything else, opting for an early night’s sleep. That didn’t seem to happen that often anymore, since she’d met Ville, Ella thought to herself. Nor spending the entire evening sober, which was refreshing for once as well. She’d definitely been drinking a lot more since she’d met Ville, lots of casual drinks and full-blown boozy nights.

‘Yeah, they were both so friendly.’ Ella had trouble even focussing in het tiredness, as she removed her make up in the bathroom and brushed her teeth before bed. Ville was already lying in bed as she came back into the bedroom.

‘It’s so nice they took me under their wing a bit today. I was afraid I might kind of be the third wheel to the party, being the new girl. But they included me right from the start.’

‘Well, they’ve both been in your shoes in the past, so they probably know how nice it is to have someone else to talk to beside the band and random PR people.’  
  
‘True. And I wouldn’t have known half of what was happening today if it wasn’t for them. Besides, they knew where the catering was, most of the time.’

Ville laughed at that, but she could see he was tired enough to barely be able to keep his eyes open as well.

‘God you must be exhausted.’ She said. It had been an exhausting day, even for her, and all she had done was watch Ville and the guys do promowork. She couldn’t imagine how tired Ville must be.

‘It’s the waiting around that’s killing, on days like these. Weren’t you bored?’

‘No, it was pretty interesting to see how everything works behind the scenes.’

‘But…?’ Ville sensed there had been a ‘but’ in her words.

‘Maija and Tiina _did_ suggest going shopping together tomorrow afternoon…’

‘Go for it. I can assure you that bustling London will be tons more interesting than another day of business lunches, promo shots and interviews.’

‘Good.’ She snuggled up to him, hearing his breathing deepening immediately. It wasn’t long before her own eyes felt heavier as well, and she let herself drift off to the comfort of Ville’s steady breathing and the sounds of London, eternally awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	40. In The Biblical Sense And Sensibility, Let Me Know You

  
The next morning she only briefly woke up when Ville got up, giving her a soft peck on her cheek.

‘Where are you going?’ She mumbled, yawning, too reluctant to open her eyes yet.

‘Breakfast show radio interview.’ He whispered. ‘Don’t forget you’re meeting Tiina and Maija soon.’

‘Won’t forget.’ She mumbled, half-heartedly waving at him to leave her alone, already drifting off again. She was only half aware of the shower running, and another soft kiss on her forehead as Ville left.

  
Not much later, around 9, her own alarm on her mobile phone went off, and she had to wake up properly this time. Which wasn’t a problem, because she was strangely psyched to go out into the city, to do some shopping and exploring. London was new territory to her, but Ville had told her enough for her to know already she would absolutely love the city.

Ville had been kind enough to leave the curtains closed, so she wouldn’t be woken up by sunlight streaming in, but he needn’t have bothered. When she opened the curtains she was greeted by a bleak, grey sight, a concrete view of highrise buildings across the street from the hotel, and typically English weather: torrential rain. Well, it would be an experience, at least.

  
Ella took a quick shower and got ready, dressing casually and comfortably, for quite a bit of walking and lots of clothing fitting sessions. Blue jeans, a casual black longsleeve, coat and the foldable umbrella she was thankful she had remembered to bring along. She didn’t bother doing anything to her hair besides tying it up in a ponytail, and kept her makeup very simple. Anything else would probably wash right off in the rain anyway. She sent her sisters and Sam a quick message, checking in with them. Sam wouldn’t be up yet, since it was the buttcrack of dawn over in Pennsylvania, probably, but her sisters responded right away, demanding lots of updates and most importantly, souvenirs.  
With time to spare, she wandered around the hotel a bit. It was an old building, built in the 1800’s, or so she read on a plaque near the reception area. The main lobby was gorgeous and grandiose, with a huge domed ceiling and complete with marbled floors, chandeliers and a pillared balcony on the first floor running around the circumference of the lobby, offering a magnificent view of the reception area.

She went into the breakfast room and marvelled at the choice in food. This hotel was definitely a far cry from the hostels and cheaper hotels she usually stayed in when holidaying with friends. She could definitely get used to this kind of lifestyle.

\----------

‘So, what do you think?’  
Ella was trying on a new moss-green blouse. It was extremely smooth, silky and even though it wasn’t something she would normally wear in day to day life, she loved the soft feel against her skin and the luxurious feel of the fabric. It would be a nice chic staple to her otherwise casual wardrobe, something she really felt she lacked sometimes.

‘Marvellous. The green goes so well with your haircolour. And it would really combine well with that blazer you tried on earlier.’

Ella considered the combination for a while. ‘Nah, too fancy. Not my style.’

Tiina snickered at that. Things not being Ella’s style had been a bit of a running gag althrough the day. Ella had quickly discovered the two other women were into much more fashionable clothes and high end stores, whereas Ella usually shopped at the likes of H&M and Zara. Ella had felt frumpy next to them at first, in her jeans and longsleeve shirt. Tiina and Maija had caught on to her insecurities, but instead of looking down her their noses at Ella’s more casual style, they had really tried to include her and shown her how to incorporate a more fancy element to her casual go-to’s.

Ella tried on the blazer with the green blouse nonetheless, but was only reassured in her opinion. She felt and looked overdressed, not her usual self. She took off the blazer again, and gave the blouse on its own another look.

‘I still like it though. Some black high-waisted skinny jeans and my leather ankle boots with them...’

‘Sounds good.’ Tiina said.

‘And the blazer?’ Maija asked.

‘Buying that too. Just combining it with a casual printed tee and maybe rolling up the sleeves.’

YES.’ Tiina agreed, ‘I like the sound of that. Honey, I like your style.’’

  
Ella kept smiling to herself as she changed back into her own clothes again. Even though the two women felt fundamentally different from her, slightly older and definitely more sophisticated, she felt included and welcomed, like she had told Ville before. Despite their differences, they all got along great, and though Ella had been nervous when first meeting Mige and Linde’s better halves, she honestly loved these two women already. And they knew their way around London too, which was an added bonus. It was truly a wonderful afternoon and time flew by.  
A little while later they were on a much needed break during the afternoon, enjoying a high tea in some fancy teahouse near Hyde Park. Ella recalled how tedious the day before had been, all the waiting around, and wasn’t surprised to see several texts from a bored Ville. She’d been too busy to respond to him before, but suddenly she acutely missed him. It was one of their last weekends together, and they were still spending it mostly apart. She sighed forlornly over her tea, texting Ville back, dreading this time next month or so, when she would be back at home, and he would be back in Finland.

‘What’s with the sighing?’ Maija asked. ‘Bad news from home?’

‘Nothing really.’ Ella hesitated how much she wanted to share. It seemed silly of her to be missing Ville already. ‘Just texting Ville, and suddenly realizing I miss him, even though I’ve only seen him this morning.’

‘Aaaaw.’ Tiina said, before Maija chimed in. ‘God, I wish Linde would still send me messages like that to make me pine for him. But no, gone is the chivalry.’

Ella had to laugh at that, and it broke her sappy mood a bit. She poured herself another cup of tea and took another chocolate from the étagère in front of them.

‘But no, honestly,’ Maija continued, ‘I remember those days so well. Linde and I were just like that in the beginning. I’d be a wreck for the first days, whenever Linde left on tour or something.’

‘Yeah, but he’s still here. And it’s only been half a day. I’ve never missed anyone like I’ve been missing Ville whenever he’s not around.’  
It was true. She’d been in love with Kevin, and she’d missed him when they’d been apart. But realizing she’d be apart from Ville for much longer periods gave the whole thing a different meaning.

‘You’re just terribly in love. It’s sweet to see.’ Maija said, before she muttered something half under her breath in Finnish to Tiina, before taking another bite from her scone. Ella thought she just barely made out something that sounded like the name ‘Noora’ followed by another one of Tiina’s sarcastic snickers, and took a gamble.

‘Wait. Were you talking about Noora just now? Ville’s ex?’

‘Shit, yeah, busted. I was uh… how do I say it in proper English.’ Maija concluded, laughing again, ‘talking shit. I shouldn’t have done that, sorry.’

‘It’s alright.’ Ella said. ‘I was just curious, because I spoke to her very briefly on the phone a while ago, and she wasn’t too friendly.’

‘She was a major bitch, you mean?’ Tiina asked.

‘Sort of, yeah.’

‘I was just saying to Tiina in Finnish how this is all worlds apart from how it used to be when Noora was with Ville.’

‘This?’ Ella asked, confused.

‘ _This_.’ Tiina said, waving her hand around the table and their party of three, indicating the whole situation. ‘Everything. Everything was always an issue, when she was around on tour. There was always drama. Ville seems happier with you.’

Ella blushed with the insinuated compliment. It also helped her understand a bit better where Ville came from, relationship-wise. So far she’d only heard about it from him, how the whole thing had been toxic, and some off-hand remarks here and there by the other guys. It might be a bit gossipy, but she loved hearing more about it. But she also felt she had to put things in perspective a bit.

‘As happy as I am to hear that, it’s not been all rainbows and sunshine unfortunately. We still have some hurdles to get past too.’

\---------

One of the hurdles was brought up not much later, when Ella found herself in a fancy boutique selling lingerie. Though normally she wore something black, functional and free of frills and ruffles, she suddenly found herself eyeing all the lacy goods with a renewed interest. Things had been heating up between Ville and her recently, and she wanted to look and feel the part. She kept coming back to this still rather toned down set of lingerie in light grey, overlayed with black lace. Not too racy, still more or less functional as actual underwear, but also classy and sexy. She got it out of the rack, along with another purple set, and waved to Maija, who was a little distance away, to let her know she was going to the fitting room. Maija and Tiina followed not much later, because she heard Finnish voices a few stalls over. She fell even more in love with the grey set as she tried it on, and was just trying to check out her ass in the mirror when the curtain was suddenly yanked apart, and Tiina stuck her head through. Ella let out a small shriek, but Tiina seemed unfazed.

‘How is it?’

‘Eh… good. I guess. Might need to adjust the bra straps a bit.’ Her boobs were currently bulging out because everything was lifted so high.

‘Yeah. Here, let me.’ Tiina got into the stall and helped Ella out, loosening the straps a bit before looking at her appraisingly, almost clinically. Ella’s cheeks flamed up nonetheless, under the scrutinizing gaze of the other woman.  
  


‘Perfect.’ She finally said, when Ella turned around again.

‘Not too….’

‘No.’ Tiina concluded, before Ella could finish that sentence. ‘It looks amazing. Ville will jump your bones tonight.’

‘I don’t know about _tonight_.’ Ella admitted.

‘Why not? What do you mean?’

Ella blushed even harder, wondering how much she wanted to divulge. But it seemed she had blabbed too much already and couldn’t back out of it. ‘We haven’t actually… you know.’

‘Wait, what?’

To make matters worse, the curtain opened again to reveal another figure, Maija’s head popping in this time. She just managed to squeeze in a ‘oh good’, before Tiina chattered away in Finnish, apparently shocked.

‘ _He eivät ole vielä tehneet sitä…_ ’

‘ _Mitä…?_ ’

As little as she knew of Finnish, Ella got the gist of what was said between them when she saw their faces. Maija now got in as well, cramping the fitting room even further. Ella wanted to just crawl further into the corner and die, in her expensive lingerie. What in the world had she gotten herself into with these two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I'm aware there's a serious lack of Ville in this chapter (sorry!)   
> But i had to break it off at this point. I'll try to update again in the next few days, hopefully with a more Ville-centered and longer chapter :)


	41. For You I'm Waiting, Anticipating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra update this weekend to make up for the lack of Ville in last chapter :) Enjoy!

  
‘But why?’ Tiina finally asked. ‘You’ve been together for what… weeks?’

More like well over a month, but Ella wasn’t going to tell them that.

‘It’s just… Crap. Issues. I just have some… issues.’

Ella didn’t want to divulge any further, actually. She would be known as the troubled girl again, damaged goods. She hated the pitying looks she always got, whenever someone found out. It felt like people never looked at her quite the same after.

Tiina was ready to push her for further for information, but Maija seemed to get that Ella was uncomfortable and was trying to shut this particular conversation down. Either that, or Linde had already told Maija some of it and she had simply connected the dots.  
The whole situation was absurd too. In her underwear, crammed into a fitting room with two women she’d only met the day before. If Ella ever wanted to tell them more, it was definitely a conversation for a very different setting. Maija shushed Tiina with a single Finnish word before she could continue.

‘There’s nothing wrong with waiting, for whatever reason. I’m sure though, when it does happen, it’ll be lovely.’

‘Yeah,’ Tiina chimed in again. ‘Ville’s a gentleman. He’ll be good to you.’

Ella had no doubt about that, he’d been more than understanding already, of all her issues. And she was really making progress. It was getting easier to let go, whenever she was with Ville, she didn’t shut down right away anymore. Judging by how heated things had gotten the week before, dancing in the bar, maybe it would happen soon. She’d felt ready then, even though she’d been very intoxicated and high with adrenaline on the moment. Whenever it would happen, at least she’d look the part, she thought to herself, as she changed back into her own clothes, hearing the other two women chat in Finnish pleasantly outside her fitting room.

\-----------

The hotelroom was still empty when she got back. Ville must not be back yet, though he’d said he’d be there around 5 as well. Feeling tired and dirty, after a full day of walking around London and shopping, Ella decided to take a quick shower. Ville had texted her at some point during the day, asking her if it would be alright if they would meet up with some old friends of his, over in Camden, later during the evening. After an already busy day, with hours more to go, a nice, hot shower was just what she needed. She felt rejuvenated when she got out of the shower. Ready for more. Which was just what she got, when she walked out and was immediately met by some warm lips, pressed onto hers. Ville. His familiar smokey scent gave it away.

‘Hmm…’ She hummed against his lips, realizing again how much she’d missed him during this day. He’d asked her along on this trip, but so far they’d spent an awful amount of time apart. Needy, she kissed him back for a while, before breaking loose and burying her face into his neck, breathing in the scent of him, skin and smoke.

‘I missed you today.’ She admitted, which was only greeted by a chuckle on his side.

‘Love… We’ve only been apart for what… Seven hours?’

‘See! You’ve been counting down the hours as well!’

‘Shit… Busted.’

\------------

They met up with some of Ville’s friends for dinner, a very alternative looking man and woman, presumably a couple as well. Afterwards they all made their way through Camden, which seemed to be a delicious hotbed of alternative people and bars. Ella loved the sight of the funky looking shops they passed, and all the creative outlets everywhere through the entire area. They’d definitely have to come back here by day, soon, she wanted to see more of this place. The man, Petri, as he had introduced himself, actually owned an alternative bar in London, and they were going to have a few drinks over there. Once inside, they were ushered to a table in the back, and quickly a group of likeminded men and women formed around their small gathering. Some fans also made their way over, recognizing Ville, but after some quick chats and pictures, they left him alone again, and they were just left with Petri and his group of friends.

Everyone seemed to know everyone, and everyone was attractive, alternative and utterly gorgeous. Ella felt like a regular old plain Jane, compared to some of the women, for the second time that day. Every one of them was either in tight leather pants and full alternative gear, or tight little black dresses. And here she was, black jeans and simple black V-necked top. Luckily, as plain Jane as she might feel, Ville seemed to have eyes only for her, even with all these gorgeous people around. They were all sitting very close together, and Ville couldn’t seem to help but steal little touches from her here and there.

More drinks were brought in soon, and things got more raucous at their table. Though everyone was nice to her and tried to include her, it all still felt like shallow conversations and pleasantries, having just met all these people. Ville seemed to know everyone pretty well, and was drawn into this and that conversation, about things, happenings and histories she had no clue of. So Ella was glad when Mige and Tiina popped up at their table. She hadn’t known they would be joining them for drinks too, and was happy to see some familiar faces. She made her way over to them after a while, getting a hug from them both even though it hadn’t even been half a day since they’d all seen eachother.

‘Hey. I had no idea you guys were coming as well.’ Ella said, to which Mige just seemed to grumble.

‘This one here wanted to go out dancing.’ He said, gesturing towards Tiina, who was already eyeing up the dancefloor. ‘What are you drinking by the way?’

Mige got them their drinks from the bar and they all chatted a bit afterwards. Once Tiina had finished her mixed drink, she simply took Ella’s hand and leaned over to make herself heard over the music.

‘Please tell me you dance.’

‘I do.’

‘Good.’ And promptly she was dragged towards the dancefloor, a small raised area at the corner of the bar, which perhaps served as a stage for a local band on other nights. Ella waved to Ville, to let him know she was going to dance, hoping he might join her like last time, but he just gave her a smile and gave her a thumbs up, too caught up in the group. Not tonight then. 

Tiina had some real moves, and though Ella was a shy dancer at first, Tiina’s enthusiasm quickly caught up with her, along with another drink, until she was dancing without reserve as well. The bar played all kinds of alternative music, from old 70’s punk to present day indie bands. It was an eclectic mix, but there were good songs in there for everyone, and slowly it got more crowded up on the stage. A small group of men moved ever closer to Ella and Tiina, eyeing up Tiina especially, who looked stunning as usual and was dancing quite wildly to Kiss’ _I Was Made For Loving You_ , singing along loudly too, together with Ella. Near the end of the song one of the men made his move on Tiina, and started dancing with her. Tiina changed her focus from Ella to the guy, and started dancing with him now. As if on cue, one of the other men spoke to her.

‘Mind if I dance with you?’

‘Not at all.’

‘Great. I’m Colin by the way.’

‘Ella.’ She responded, but any further conversation was made impossible when the next song came on at full blast. Colin was shy at first, but loosened up over the next song. Another friend of Colin’s joined their little circle, and Ella danced facing them for a while, keeping an eye on Tiina from the corners of her eyes. She was dancing quite closely up to one of the other guys, but it all seemed to be in good fun. Well, if Ville and Mige wouldn’t dance with them, there was no harm in dancing with guys like Colin for a while. He seemed nice enough, and kept a respectful distance to her. It took him two more songs to finally muster up the courage to place a hand on her back and pull her a bit closer. Ella let him for a few moments, but moved backwards again after a little while, with a smile. Not too long after, a hand snaked around her waist from behind. Expecting it to be Colin’s friend, and feeling this was all just a bit too familiar too fast, she turned around, ready to tell him to back off.

Only to realize it was Ville, finally coming to join them on the dancefloor. He handed her another rum and coke, and gave Colin a look that was not quite a glare yet, but wasn’t that far off either. Looks like someone had a jealous streak in him…

‘Thanks,’ she said, taking the drink from Ville, before tilting her head up slightly so she could speak closer to his ear. ‘Be nice. He was just dancing with me.’

‘Sure.’ Ville responded, but he grabbed her hip with one hand, still acting rather possessively and shooting daggers at Colin every now and then while they all danced. It didn’t take Colin long to catch up, and giving her a look to tell her he understood, he slowly backed away.  
Ville just showed her a smug smile, before finishing his cider and turning his full attention to dancing with her. Rolling her eyes at Ville and quietly sighing to herself, Ella realized she just couldn’t be mad at him for chasing Colin away. Somehow, from Ville, it felt rather… chivalrous, to almost be claimed like that.  
  
They danced together, moving ever close together. Tiina joined them again too after the next song ended. Dancing behind Ville for a while, until they almost formed some kind of human sandwich. It was immensely fun, dancing, just the three of them together. With just enough of an alcoholic buzz going on to forget about her surroundings for a while. No pressure. At least not for a little while, because after a song or two, when Tiina went back to sit with Mige for a while, and some space cleared up on stage, Ella realized Ville wasn’t the only one shooting daggers with his eyes that night.

A few of the female fans from before had started dancing too, not too far away, and were throwing her angry glances every now and then, when she crossed eyes with them. She sidled up closer to Ville, still moving to the beat.

‘Some of your fans are giving me the evil side-eye.’

Ville finally noticed them now too, but just seemed to shrug it off. ‘Ignore them. It doesn’t matter. It’s just jealousy.’

Well, he was one to talk. But just as Ville had made his claim on her before, in front of Colin, she had a great urge to do the same now. She danced even closer to Ville, pulling him closer by his hips. Ville all too readily let her, holding on to her too as their hips swayed to a remix of Marilyn Manson’s _Tainted Love_.

It was quickly turning into a déjà vu of last week, when things had gotten pretty heated on the dancefloor as well. Ville seemed to feel the same way, starting to nuzzle kisses down her jawline.

Ella moved her head away, making him stop.

‘Something wrong?’ He asked, almost shouting to be heard over the building music. Ella just inclined her head towards the fans again.

‘Let them look. I’ll kiss you whenever the hell I want to kiss you.’ 

And with that he pressed his lips fully on hers, silencing her before she could object any further. Too shocked to move, Ella simply forgot to dance for a while. Ville kept on moving however, pressing himself against her, so she was forced to move again. _Oh what the hell_ , Ella thought, before kissing him back. This obviously pleased Ville, because she could feel his lips curve into a smile against hers. They stuck close together until the song ended, and only then did Ella carefully glance in the girls’ directions again. Some of them were looking rather stunned, others downright hostile. Frankly, Ville had made sure she couldn’t really care less anymore. He was hers, and they’d been enjoying eachother too much to stop.

‘Ready to go back to the hotel soon?’ Ville asked her, obviously thinking along the same lines.

‘Yeah. Let’s get out of here.’


	42. When All Fears Came Alive And Entombed Me

  
‘Cab or walk?’ Ella asked, once they were out on the street, leaving it up to Ville to decide in how big of a hurry he was to get back to the hotel.

‘I know how much you love to walk the streets at night...’

‘Careful, you’re making me sound like a prostitute again…’ Ella warned him, nudging him in the ribs, though she knew he was only joking. ‘Is it too far to walk?’ She’d quickly realized today that London was a much bigger city than she had anticipated. Everything seemed to be much closer on the maps and much further apart in real life.

’It’s only up to Euston square… 15 minutes or so?’

‘If you don’t mind, I’d love to walk.’ 

They’d taken a cab ride to the bar before, and though she had loved the experience of being in real London cab, she hadn’t really seen much of their surroundings, and really wanted to see more before they had to leave the city again the next day.  
  
They got to walking, and unlike last time they went home from a bar, walked back to their destination without pushing eachother up too many walls. Not for lack of desire, but they weren’t far on their way back when Ella heard some giggles behind them. Dismissing it at first, the giggling girls were still there after they’d rounded a few corners, and she caught Ville’s name. So they’d been spotted… She snuck a sneaky glance over her shoulder, and sure enough, it was the group from the bar.

‘Ville… I think that’s the same group of girls. They’re following us.’

Ville pulled her a bit closer, grabbing her hand. ‘It happens, don’t worry.’

It was still slightly unnerving to her, even though Ville remained stoic.

‘Do things like this happen often?’

‘No. At least not on a regular basis. It happens a few times every tour that some girls follow us back to the hotel. It’s no big deal.’

Well, if Ville said it was alright, he must be right. But by the time they got back to the hotel, the girls were still there, a respectful distance behind them, though she could hear the drunken whispers and giggling still once inside the lobby, and knew they’d followed them inside. Perhaps the girls were staying in the hotel as well. It seemed unlikely though, a place this fancy... The elevator door closed behind her and Ville to some panicked squeals, and Ella knew she had guessed right, they weren’t guests here, and the girls knew they’d had their last look.

\----------

‘There. All solved.’ Ville muttered, more to himself than to her, as the elevator brought them up to the third floor. Once inside their hotelroom, he shrugged out of his coat and kicked off his shoes, but noticed Ella was lingering near the door, acting suspiciously.

Suddenly she hissed at him.

‘Ville! They’re still there.’

‘What?’

‘The girls! Come here.’

She had her ear pressed against the door, and he followed her example. Sure enough, he heard them too. The same drunk giggles and hushed conversation. They were still a few doors down, by the sound of it. It was insane to think they’d actually managed to follow them all the way up to their floor. The hotelstaff should have caught on and stopped them. Unfortunately, it did happen more often than he’d cared to admit to Ella before, being followed down streets and into stores and pubs. Most fans were friendly and respectful though, even if they did sneakily follow him. Though they rarely got past the hotel lobby... It shouldn’t have happened.

‘I’ll call the front desk and have them send security up. Don’t worry.’ He said, walking over to the phone on the bedside table. Ella stopped him however, pulling him back by his arm. She’d seemed worried before, but didn’t seem so worried now. They weren’t out in the street anymore, and the door had fallen neatly into the lock behind them, locking anyone else out. Ella seemed to realize that too, and had the same mischievous look in her eyes that he saw in the bar not even an hour ago.

‘How about we give them a little show? Give them something to properly swoon over?’ She whispered, and actually winked at him, before she threw herself back against the door with a thud. She let out a rather loud and playful ‘Oh!’ and a giggle that could match the drunken girls’ giggles outside the door. The response outside was immediate. He looked at her incredulously, before he finally caught on to her meaning. _Aha._ Now he got it. With an equally mischievous grin, he pressed against the door too, muttering sweet nothings in Finnish, just loud enough for someone outside to hear. The sounds on the other side of the door died down to shocked silence. Ella let out a little moan, and slid down the door in silent laughter, holding onto her gut to keep the sound in. He laughed too, but the laughter died away pretty soon. Hearing her moan had done something to him, tugged at something deep inside, and he remembered again how much he had wanted her, back in the bar.

‘You know what the stupidest part is?’ He whispered, looking down at her still smiling form. Her face fell, obviously worried.

‘No?’

‘Why are we even faking it?’

And with that, he pulled her up, pressing his lips firmly against hers as soon as he could reach them. Her lips tasted deliciously of rum and mint, and he darted his tongue into her mouth to taste more of her. She all too willingly accepted him, kissing him back fervently as she let out little sounds that drove him mad. Her body thudded against the door once again as he pressed himself against her, only muffled by the thickness of her coat. The stupid coat was in the way, and he broke away briefly to start undoing the buttons. She helped him, both their fingers working feverishly at all the buttons. He helped her shrug out of the coat and was on her again like a vulture as soon as he had flung away the offending garment. The agitated whispering had picked up again outside the door, and he couldn’t help but smile at the alarmed sounds he heard. Ella noticed, and smiled against his lips too, and he loved the feel of that. He moved down to her neck, nibbling at her jawline, and she let out more moans. She was being more vocal than she usually was, obviously still putting on a show. Somewhere in the back of his mind it nagged at him, that she was so adept at playing this game, but once things got serious, she walled up, shut him out. Before he could dwell on it, an authoritative male voice suddenly boomed out in the hallway, making them both jump too. Demanding to know if ‘the ladies have a room here’, a short discussion followed, but within half a minute, security was escorting the girls in the hallway downstairs.  
  
‘Come on, show’s over.’ Ville whispered, lips pressed against Ella’s ear, and he could feel her shivering at the feeling. He let go off her, and was ready to back off again, giving her some space. But her arms snaked around his waist, keeping him close. She gently pushed him further into the room, towards the bed, pressing quick kisses against his lips. Maybe it was more than a game to her after all. So far she’d never really taken the lead, but now she pushed him down on the bed and followed suit. It surprised him. And it confused him. He wanted to know if she was leading them somewhere, or involuntarily leading him on again. 

‘Ella… What are you doing?’ He mumbled against her lips, trying to get her to stop kissing him for a moment as she pushed him back against the pillows.

‘I didn’t want you to stop, Ville.’ She whispered, and he could hear the vulnerability in her words. Barely audible, but he heard her words loud and clear, and it made him stop dead in his tracks. She stopped too, and he held her out to look at her.

‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ He asked. She avoided his eyes at first, but finally looked back at him. There were equal parts fear and longing in them. 

‘I’d like to… I just don’t know how far I’ll be…’

He shushed her then. ‘It’s fine. We’ll see. It’ll be fine.’

When he kissed her next, it was like kissing her again for the first time. Gentle, insecure, searching. Everything felt brand new and exciting. But they’d already had too much practice earlier on in the evening, and he felt the need in him, and in Ella, rising. When he sat up and pressed her upper body against him, she shifted position and straddled him, so she could be even closer. Breaking away from their kiss for a moment, she undid the solitary button on his blazer, and tried lifting his shirt over his head. He helped her out and returned the favour, lifting her top over her head in one swift move. Ville lay back for a moment, enjoying the view.

‘God you’re spectacular.’ He muttered. He had purposefully let her take the lead at first, let her have control. Anything to make her feel at ease. Let her decide how fast she would go. But to be fair, he couldn’t stop himself anymore at the sight of her, in that lacy grey bra, pushing up those magnificent breasts. They’d seen eachother in underwear before, mostly in passing, but this was a whole new sight. His eyes roamed her skin hungrily, but only for a second or so, because his lips quickly followed where his eyes had been. God how he longed to feel that soft, milky skin once again. And taste it. He peppered the tops of her breasts with small kisses, moving upwards again to her neck and jawline. To that velvety spot just behind her earlobe, where her skin was the softest and her warm, flowery scent drowned out his senses. Her lingering perfume and the distant smell of cigarette smoke and alcohol, an intoxicating mixture. He wanted to just drown in it, nuzzling her neck. Ella let out another moan as he licked that soft spot, a genuine moan this time, and the sound of it nearly drove him to frenzy. It took all his self-restraint to not just flip them both over and pin her down against the mattress. Luckily, Ella felt the same need, because she moved and lay herself down on the bed, taking him with her. No longer able to resist the urge, he took the lead and hovered over her, letting his hands roam where his lips had just been. Down from her neck, over her breasts, down her sides, to the top of her jeans, helping her out of them before taking off his own.

\------------

When Ville moved away from her to take off his own pants, she looked at him for a moment, taking in his tattooed body in its full glory for the first time, lingering on the bulge in his boxer briefs for the slightest of seconds, hunger for him raging inside her. Ville caught her staring, and gave her a run for her money, looking her body up and down. 

She couldn’t help but blush under the intensity of his stare. Almost couldn’t stand it, and she needed to feel his skin against hers, so she pulled him down towards her in a hurry. Hugging him, letting her hands wander all over his lower back and ass, pressing him to herself and kissing his neck, like he had done before. She could feel him shiver at the sensation. His hands snaked around her back, and deftly undid her bra for her, dragging the straps over her shoulders as he kept kissing her. He had to move away for her to take it off completely though, and looked at her in admiration once again. He carefully cupped both her breasts with his large, warm hands, checking if it was alright with her, and gently stroked a thumb over one of her nipples. The sudden sensation made her back arch, and he smiled proudly at her eager reaction. He gently pushed her back against the pillows again, and she watched as he moved lower, towards her breasts, but he waited, looking up at her with slanted, eager eyes. There was a weird silence hanging in the room. Like the room was waiting, as he was. Because he knew that there would likely come a point where she'd tell him to stop. He was just testing how far he could go, and when she didn’t protest, he very carefully dipped down. 

Her heart was pounding in her chest, and when his lips touched her skin again, she held her breath. So incredibly tender. Ville kissed her breasts with light kisses, like he had done before, working the supple flesh with his hands and inching ever closer to her nipples. When his tongue finally flicked across one of her nipples, she gasped loudly at the sensation, squirming underneath his touch. He slipped one hand into her panties, carefully making his way down, until his hand cupped her entire sex. She couldn’t help but press against his hand, heat like fire starting to burn from within. It felt good, so good, to be loved like this again. Every single part of her body had come alive, like live wire, highly strung, burning with electricity. But electricity has a tendency to spiral out of control and burn you. Heart pounding like crazy, suddenly she couldn’t relax anymore in between gasps. Sensation overwhelming her until it sparked in her brain and blinded her reason. Everything that had been right suddenly felt wrong. Every muscle in her body felt tight as a bow, completely taut, and she couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t remember anymore how to breathe, how to stop her muscles from cramping, her nerves from screaming.

\------------

Oblivious to her changed signals now that his own desire for her was raging out of control, Ville continued adoring her body with his hands and lips. Her gasp when he had finally tasted her nipples spurred him on and after a few more lingering kisses, he moved, kissing the spot where her ribs showed. He was too caught up in his own passions, ready for more, to notice how the softness of her stomach had turned into a rock hard plain, how every muscle in her body was stretched taut, and how her breathing had become ragged and shallow, trying to catch up. He finally realized when he tried to move his arms and noticed the vicelike grip her hands had on him. 

When he looked up at her again, he stopped dead in his tracks. Ella was breathing rapidly and had tears in her eyes, and not in a good way.

‘Ella? What’s the matter?’

Ville had her in his arms within seconds, his heart had dropped in an instant, all passion gone.

‘I don’t know.’ She sobbed.

‘Love, it’s ok. If you don’t want to do this it’s…’

‘No! I do! I do….’ She muffled against his bare chest. ‘It’s not… you. I don’t know why this happens! I don’t know…’ She pushed away from him suddenly, sitting back on the bed, arms crossed in front of her chest, defensive. ‘I couldn’t stop it. I have to fucking go and ruin it all again.’

It broke his heart to see her like this. But it also frustrated him. He hated that he was the reason she cried. Hated that he caused her this pain. He hated that he couldn’t fix her. Hated that she couldn’t let him love her. Hated that he obviously wasn’t enough. If only she would let him love her. If she tried, maybe more, if at some point they pushed on… He could try to heal her.

‘Ella….’ He sighed in frustration, unable not to let it show.

She inhaled sharply, seeing his reaction, and fled from the bed and from him, picking up some clothes on her way and crossing the room, realizing too late there was nowhere else to go than this room, here with him, unless she wanted to go in the hallway in this state. She went across the room, as far away from him as possible, and stood staring out the window. A familiar sight, he’d seen her do it so often, especially when her mind seemed to be troubled.

‘Ella, just...’

‘No. Leave me alone.’   
Her voice was strained, and though he could only see her back, he could tell by the trembling of her body that she was crying, trying to hold it all in once again.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maaaaaaan. Sometimes I kinda hate making my characters hurt. Ah well. Perhaps they can make up just in time for Valentine's Day...?


	43. Again The Burden Of Losing Rests Upon My Shoulders

  
He listened to her, giving her space, leaving her alone. She heard the bathroom door opening and closing behind her, opening again, and then the rustle of clothes and bedsheets. A cough. The small, vocal sounds he always made, clearing his throat. A sigh. It was minutes still, before he came to her. And even then she didn’t know if she wanted him too. She heard a soft rustle behind her, bare feet on the carpet, but she didn’t bother turning around, just continued staring out the window, at the buildings across the street and the dusky London night. Did it ever fully get dark here? She wiped the remnants of tears from the corner of her eyes, bracing herself for another confrontation. But she hadn’t prepared for Ville’s gentle hands, wordlessly pulling her back into a backwards embrace, and more tears slipped from her eyes right away. Ville let her cry for a while, not doing or saying anything, only resting his head on her shoulder, looking out the window as well, seeing what she was seeing, waiting for her to be done. He knew her well enough by now to let her cry in silence.

‘I’m sorry.’ She finally said, wiping away the last of the tears.

‘It’s alright.’

‘Stop saying that! It’s not alright.’ 

He tensed at her sudden outburst, but only for a second. ‘Fine. Not alright. So what just happened? Do you want to talk about it?’

Not particularly, no, but she owed him a sliver of an explanation, at the very least. ‘I don’t know… The same as last time. Suddenly, I just… It’s like I panic, but I’m not actually… panicked, not consciously at least. It happens somewhere beyond me. There’s no need, but my body just… locks. I can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t calm down. Does that make sense?’

‘Do you think it might have been a panic attack?’

‘I don’t know… I’ve never had one. But what just happened… It never happened like this before either.’

‘Is it because of… losing Kevin, you think?’ Ville asked, very carefully, probably realizing he was skating on very thin ice by asking it so explicitly.

‘Perhaps. I know it was at first, for sure, the same physical response as when he... passed. But I really thought… I’d gotten that out of my system. Gone past that, with you.’

She was happy Ville hadn’t switched on the lights when he came to find her, and they were still in the dark. So he couldn’t see all the emotions racing across her face as she continued speaking, trying to explain. It was so hard, to voice all these things out loud.

‘I really wanted to, tonight, you know. I really wanted you.’

‘I know. I want you too.’ He murmured softly, near her ear. But there was no desire in his words now, only dejected despair.

‘Sorry…’ She said, once again. Sorry for leading him on, sorry for disappointing him once again.

‘No need to apologize darling.’

But that wasn’t true, now was it? She’d seen the frustration in his eyes. Had known he was annoyed by yet another interruption.

‘Really? Because you looked pretty frustrated there, for a moment.’

‘Well. I didn’t mean to be but it was… so sudden, the way you retreated. I’m only human… It confused me.’  
He paused for a while, and she could feel him breathe in deeply before he continued.   
‘Ella. I’m… I’m in love with you. I want to make you feel good. The fact that I can’t take this pain, this sorrow, away from you is killing me inside. As if…’  
He swallowed hard behind her. ‘As if my love isn’t enough to compete with your past.’

His voice sounded strained as he said it, and Ella cracked again, tears flowing freely, realizing there was a whole different side to this. All her focus had been on herself, her own insecurity, and her own projected feelings and thoughts of Ville probably being annoyed and frustrated by her lack of intimacy. She’d never realized it made him feel so incompetent, so powerless. And the most vulnerable of words… _I’m in love with you._   
She really needed to work through this soon, fix things. Give him back the love he deserved. Before he left to go back to Finland. They needed to fix this. She needed to fix this.

‘It is. It is enough. Please believe me.’ She turned around in his arms. ‘I’ll get past this. I’ll get better. I promise. Soon.’

\------------

Half a day later they were at Heathrow airport again, ready to go home. The whole weekend had been a mixed bag of feelings, for Ella. It had been wonderful to see London, lovely to meet Maija and Tiina, and lovely to spend some off-time with Ville in a different surrounding, as far as his schedule permitted it. But the painful memory of the previous evening put a damper on the whole of Sunday for her, even though Ville was extra kind to her through the entire day. What made matters worse is that she overheard a conversation between Seppo and Ville at the airport, right before Seppo and the women left for Helsinki, and they themselves would board the plane back to Germany. It seemed a rather… business driven conversation. And though both men were speaking in Finnish, Ella couldn’t help but eavesdrop, for as far as she could. She’d picked up some words in Finnish here and there, spending weekend after weekend with the guys, enough to suspect Ville and Seppo were speaking of their return to Finland. She heard a lot of ‘albumi’ and ‘helsingin’, with Seppo indicating a lot of things on some printed out sheets of paper, and Ville apparently saving stuff onto his phone, what Ella assumed to be appointments and dates.   
  
Childishly enough, Ville had managed to avoid Seppo for almost the entire trip. He knew there were matters at hand that they needed to discuss. His solution to not wanting to face the reality of having to leave Ella soon, was to avoid Seppo all weekend and stick his head in the proverbial sand. In the end, Seppo cornered him at the airport, right before they all left. Lots of talk of schedules, release dates and appointments. A complete tsunami of obligations. Dutifully, he put them all down in the calendar on his phone, though his mind was barely there for it at all, his heart barely in it. From the corner of his eye he saw Ella move around, seemingly distracted, but he knew there was rarely anything that escaped her attention.  
  
This weekend in London… It had been amazing, having her along, but he couldn’t help but think back of the night before with a sour taste in his mind. Guilt, but also just plain old frustration and a shitload of worry. He’d pushed her too far, or rather, they’d both pushed themselves too far, once again. But how could he have known? All he could do to help her in this, was follow her lead, which he’d done. She’d been so… there, all the time, so into it. Until suddenly she wasn’t. It confused the hell out of him. Confused him still, though in the bleak light of day, he understood even better where she was coming from and what she was going through. But it was one more thing to worry himself senseless about. He knew she had a lot on her plate too, at the moment. So much on her mind to worry about and work through. But then again, so did he. So much was going on, with finishing the album, getting everything set up for the release and the whole cycle of touring afterwards. Having to leave Ella behind, at least for a while. He loved her to death, and dreaded having to go back to Finland, knowing he would probably miss her even more than she would miss him. He was an emotional bastard like that… And then these added feelings of frustration, guilt and worry about her. This was only just another thing to add strain to their last couple of weeks together.

\-----------

During their entire flight home and the ride back to the studio complex, Ville seemed pensive and withdrawn. They were never really in private to discuss things, not until they were back in the apartment, where they both just hung about, half-heartedly unpacking things before settling down on the couch, dejected and restless.

‘What was that conversation with Seppo all about?’ Ella finally asked Ville, once they were settled.

‘Just… bandstuff. Business to be done.’ Ville said, evading her question at first.

‘I heard a lot of talk of Helsinki.’

‘So you picked up on that.’

‘I may not speak Finnish, but I’m not a moron.’  
Ville chuckled at her choice of words, and pulled her closer, till her head rested on his shoulder, anything to avoid having to look her in the eyes when he broke the news to her.

‘We uh… Began mixing the album right before we left. The album’s nearly done. So Seppo went ahead and booked the flight home… And explained all business that needs to be taken care off once we get back.’

‘When?’ Was all Ella could ask.

‘Friday next week.’

Friday… So that left them with… what? A week and a half? She quickly did the math. Eleven days? Twelve days, if they were lucky, counting that Friday as well?

‘Shit….’

‘Shit indeed.’ Ville agreed, sighing heavily behind her. They’d both known this was coming. And sooner, rather than later. But having an actual, set date, brought everything that much closer all of a sudden. Gone would be the relatively careless days of lazying around together, spending every weekend together. Ella hadn’t given it too much thought yet, how they were going to arrange things once Ville went back. Or when she’d first visit him in Finland. She had two weeks off, sometime in August, but could they wait that long? And she had no clue what Ville’s schedule even was, after he returned, would it even allow her flying over every now and then? He’d mentioned a tour during the winter, but until then? She was reluctant to think about it, especially on this tired evening, after an eventful and emotionally overloaded weekend. Ville seemed to have read her mind.

‘Let’s… not discuss this now. I’m in way too bad of a mood to be rational about this now. Let’s just go to bed and talk about it tomorrow.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	44. Our Heaven Is Worth The Waiting

  
The days went by much quicker than either of them wanted. Ella had gone home on Monday, had found the whole household in one chaotic mess. Her mother was still seriously ill from chemo, and both her brothers had made themselves scarce the entire weekend as well, so all the nursing and household chores had come down to her father and two younger sisters. Her father had mostly fled the scene as well, tinkering around in his garage, as he so often did when things became hectic inside the house. And Hanna and Simone were equally clueless when it came to doing work around the house and taking care of themselves and their sick mother, all at once. Seriously, if things went bad with her mother after all, Ella knew she herself would likely end up as an old spinster, taking care of her otherworldly father and respective reckless, absent and dreamy siblings. Sometimes it seemed they were just completely out of touch with reality, all of them. She had some educating to do, if she really planned on visiting Ville in Finland a lot.  
Working her shifts at work during the weekdays as well, Ella’s hands were quite full. But still, now that she knew their time together was running short, she spent every free evening or free hour she had with Ville. Whenever she was off work early, she’d go hang out at the studio with the guys, and if she couldn’t, she’d meet up with Ville at some point during the evenings.

\-----------

She let herself in with the spare key late Saturday afternoon, after a shift at work, hearing nothing but silence from inside the apartment. She found Ville, asleep, curled up at the edge of the bed, guitar and laptop at his feet. He must have been playing, possibly writing something, even though the album was nearly done. The process of writing never really stopped, she assumed, even when you’re tired, stressed and strung out, as Ville had seemed last week.  
The sight of his slumbering form was too much for her tired legs and tired mind to bear, and she’d missed him terribly. Wanting nothing more than to just lie down as well, be close to him, she quietly took off her jacket and shoes, closed his laptop and put it safely down on the nightstand, before lying down close to him on the bed, facing him.

The movement on the mattress must have woken Ville up, or he hadn’t been asleep as deeply as she thought. Tired green eyes greeted her, hair a tousled mess.

‘Oh, you’re here already.’

‘Yeah. Didn’t mean to wake you up, sorry.’

‘s’alright,’ Ville muttered, before pulling her closer, almost as if in a reflex. Ella turned herself around so he could hold her. She had gotten used to this by now, the way he always felt the need to hold on to her as they went to sleep. It’s not as if they would sleep completely intertwined, not at all, actually. Once they fell asleep, it was each to his own. But Ville seemed to crave the physical comfort of embracing her, or holding on to her as he fell asleep, a lot of the time. She savoured the warmth and comfort today, on this grey and miserable afternoon.

‘How was work?’ Ville asked, nuzzling her neck and hair.

‘Eh. Stressful. The summer holiday season is starting, so we’re structurally understaffed. And one of the residents on the floor I worked at today took a turn for the worst.’

‘Oh?’

‘Yeah, I think it’s the end of the line for him, which is always hard to witness.’

‘I can imagine. It must be sad, losing residents.’

‘Yes, it is. On one hand it’s part of the process. Most are with us less than a year before they pass away. And honestly, some are better off, after so much suffering. Others aren’t really ready to go yet, they’re the hardest ones to part with. But enough of that. My work day is done.’ She gently nudged the guitar with her foot. ‘Were you writing something?’

‘Trying too. I had an idea, but it just didn’t work out. And then I dozed off. Too fucking tired all the time.´ He dragged on the last part. ´Honestly, finishing an album is the worst part. Tedious and exhausting.

‘I thought you said doing promo was the mindnumbingly worst?’ She asked, playfully.

‘Well, this is a good second.’

She could imagine, from what she’d witnessed in the studio a few days earlier. It _was_ tedious work, especially if you could only watch as the producer did most of the work. Listening to the same recording of your own voice over and over again. Just watching, listening and waiting could be mind-numbing indeed.

‘Hmmm… I think I remember just the thing to help you unwind. At least it worked last time,’ she mused, remembering that one evening when Ville had been so utterly down and stressed out he’d nearly broken down.

‘When you gave me the massage?’ Ville echoed her memories.

‘Yeah. Lie back.’ Ella said, and before she knew it, she’d moved the guitar off the bed and she was straddling Ville’s backside once again, mirroring that same pose from that evening not too long ago, back when they’d still been much less familiar with eachother. She was much more used to him now, though it was still a sight to see him without his shirt, to see Poe’s eyes staring back up at her. Slightly unsettling, but so familiar by now.

‘No oil this time though,’ she apologized, starting to work at the muscles in his back.

‘Might have some lube somewhere.’ Ville responded lazily from beneath her.

‘Ville! God you’re bad.’ She hit him playfully on the back of his head, shaking with the movement when he started snickering beneath her. Damn him and his deadpan sense of humour. She couldn’t help but laugh too, though, before continuing her more serious work of loosening the muscles in his back. Ville groaned a few times as she worked at the knots, but they weren’t as tight as last time. Soon she found herself not working at the muscles so much as simply caressing his skin.

‘All done.’

‘Front now?’ Ville said, once again echoing his words from before. Apparently he remembered just as clearly as she did. But of course, now things were much different. She’d rebuked him then, despite all his flirty remarks… Too shy and insecure to follow up on her feelings.

‘Fine. Turn around.’ Ella said, and could see he was pleasantly surprised when she took him up on his offer. A smug smile on his face as she moved off of him to let him turn around. She straddled him again, blushing lightly. Maybe that same shyness still lingered, a bit. Ella looked down at Ville’s body once again, Poe’s eyes hidden from sight, but several other tattooed faces looking back at her now. His tattoos were a marvel that still amazed her, though she didn’t take the time to linger at them too long, the need to feel Ville’s skin under her hands again too great. She let her hands wander, not even bothering trying to find any muscles she could work loose, merely touching him for the sake of touching. Feeling the smooth skin beneath her fingers as she moved gentle caresses across his chest. Tracing her fingers down his abs and up again, down to his sides, over his chest again and up towards his neck and jawline, scratching at the stubble there. Letting her lips follow, she softly kissed his jawline, moving up towards his lips, which opened to hers right away. He tasted of cigarettes and alcohol.  
  
‘I can taste… What is it… Red wine?’ She asked, speaking against his lips.

‘Beer.’ He muttered, kissing her again, before saying anything else. ‘Had a few beers with the boys this afternoon.’  
  
It surprised her he’d been drinking already, apparently. She hadn’t arrived _that_ late in the afternoon, after all… It made her wonder if there ever was a day when Ville didn’t drink. But she shrugged it off, not wanting to ruin the moment by commenting about it, and if it helped them relax after all the hard work...  
She let one finger trail down again, lightly scratching a nail down his neck, over his chest, narrowly missing a nipple. Ville jumped beneath her as she swiped over his sides and lower abdomen. Ticklish. When he tried to grab hold of her arms to pull her down towards him again, she slapped his hands away playfully and pinned them down with her own.

‘No.’ She said, teasing him, and teasing him even further when she bent down after all and let her lips wander the same path, down his neck and over his chest. Copying what her hands had done before, now they were occupied holding his. Inching closer to one of his nipples, she felt him squirm beneath her and could hear how his breathing increased, growing excited.

‘Thought you were such a tired little boy?’

'Hmm… I’m all awake now. And I’m _not_ a little boy. Need evidence?’ The playful tone in his voice told her enough, as he arched his hips a bit beneath her. Fully awake indeed.  
  
‘I think I already feel that evidence right now… No need to convince me anymore.’

‘Thought so. I can be very convincing, you know.’

‘Oh, trust me, I know.’ Ella knew all too well, feeling him hardening beneath her, even through both their pairs of jeans.

‘But so can I.’ She teased, and Ville breathed in sharply as she lightly kissed the little nub of his right nipple.

Though the whole episode in London still lingered in the back of her mind, it didn’t bother Ella too much right now. They’d been fooling around a bit every night she spent with Ville since then, but it had been just that: Fooling around, some light touches here and there. Merely playing. No intention of going any further. Maybe enough of this lighthearted, easygoing practice would teach Ella’s mind and body not to panic, eventually. It took the pressure off of things, enough to make her feel relatively carefree and wanton tonight. She needed to unwind, and she had a feeling Ville needed to unwind even more.

She let go of Ville’s hands, and they immediately flew up to her sides as well, eagerly caressing her and slipping inside her shirt, as she went on trailing kisses over his chest. She needed her hands for something else. Supporting herself with one hand, she let the other trail down, till she reached the buckle of Ville’s belt.  
He let out a small sound from the back of his throat, more an enquiry than a moan.

‘It’s fine. Let me. You just relax.’ She undid his belt and jeans, and gently slipped a hand inside the waistband of his underwear, fingers trailing over warm skin until she found what she was looking for. Gently, she caressed the length of him, already hard, before wrapping her hand around and pulling him out entirely. Ville pulled down his pants and boxer briefs a bit, giving her better access, before lying back down with a sigh when Ella began to move her hand. Softly, tentatively at first, getting used to the feel of him, marveling at the feeling of soft skin on hard flesh, but picking up the pace when she heard some appreciative moans from Ville, moving her hand up and down the entire shaft of him. Not quite daring to look Ville in the eyes, she focused her eyes downwards. His penis was rather thick and long, and though it worried her on some level, it also excited her. Things clenched between her thighs, heat and excitement rising in her as well. God, to be able to have him like this. Someday soon, better to not push it, she wanted to end tonight on a high.  
Quite literally, as she heard Ville’s breathing increase even further, with strained little moans every now and then. He’d let his hands wander, under her shirt, lifting up her bra and stroking her breasts vigorously.

‘I won’t last long like this.’ He said, voice hoarse with passion, and she eased the movement of her hand a bit.

‘No, don’t stop.’ Ville said, bending upwards to her and kissing her quite hard, making it hard for her to focus on what she was doing. Even more so when his hand moved down her pants as well, crawling over the waistband of her panties until he stroked the slit of her sex through her underwear. The pressure of his fingers there was enough to drive her mad, and she couldn’t help but gasp as well, pushing against his hand, momentarily losing her own rhythm.

‘Stop distracting me.’ She said, through gritted teeth, only getting a playful chuckle in response. Two could play that game though… She focused her attention solely on the head of his penis now, very gently sliding her thumb over the slit, and over the ridge down the underside of his penis, focusing all her attention on the most sensitive part. Ville’s hand abandoned her and moved to her hip, gripping her there, immobilized.

When Ella suddenly moved her hand up and down the length of him again, picking up a rapid pace, he threw his head back on the pillows, arching his back, every muscle in his neck taut.

‘Oh God…’ With a few more strokes he came, with a loud groan. Warm cum spilling on her hand suddenly, as she milked him of every last drop.  
She’d only managed to discreetly wipe her hand on some of the tissues on his nightstand before Ville pulled her down to him again and enveloped her in a big, tight hug, still slightly out of breath and basking in the afterglow. His blissful face and happy sighs gave her a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, satisfied that for once they’d had a meaningful sexual encounter without tears on her end.

Ville kissed the top of her head, nuzzling her hair, humming to himself appreciatively, sounding utterly content. Ella loved when he did that, hum to himself. It made his chest rumble, and it tickled hers in return. Utterly content and blissfully happy too, she couldn’t help but giggle at the feeling.

‘I love it when you scrunch up your nose like that.’ Ville said, wiping some of the hair away from her face, and Ella realized he’d been gazing down at her.  
‘You ok?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine.’

‘No guilty conscience?’

‘Not at all.’ She answered truthfully. She’d forgotten all about London and her insecurities after the first few moments. Hadn’t once felt as if she’d tense up and lose control again. Probably because she herself _was_ in control this time. And most of all, she was happy she had been able to give Ville some release. She knew he’d been frustrated last time, when it all went to shit, even though he tried not to be. It had still been obvious in his face, and it had torn her heart in two to realize he craved something, something she couldn’t give him yet. This was something, in the very least.

In the meantime, Ville had started leisurely stroking her back, lightly scratching the tops of his fingers over the ticklish spot in between her shoulder blades, making her arch her back as well, shivers running up and down her spine.

‘Want me to uh… return the favor?’

Did she? Part of her wanted him to. When he’d slipped his hands down her pants as well, she’d definitely wanted him to. But she felt all loved up and blissful now, and didn’t want to ruin the feeling. Didn’t want to risk losing it all again on something more.

‘I’m good. This was… great. I’m happy you’re happy. I don’t need anything in return.’

‘You sure?’

‘Yeah… I’d rather…’ She doubted herself, doubted her own words. Doubted what she could promise to him. ‘Soon. When we’re not dead-tired, stressed out or half-drunk.’

Ville stilled at the last word, and she wondered if she’d maybe been too harsh. He drank, she knew he did. Regularly did. And so did she since she’d met him. They’d both been drinking rather heavily every time it had gone wrong between them so far. Maybe it would be better, completely sober. 

‘Alright.’ Ville finally agreed, hugging her close to him again. ‘Soon.’  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	45. A Moment Of Calm Before The Storm

They spent all of the next Sunday in bed, just hanging around. Not even bothering to do something useful, just putting on a few movies in the afternoon on Ville’s laptop. Just lounging in bed, cuddling and dozing off every now and then. They’d both been tired enough to practically sleep through the day, if they’d allowed themselves that luxury. But as it was, their time together was much too precious to spend sleeping. Only 4 days left. Ella wanted to be awake and lucid, whatever time she got to spend with Ville. They were right in the middle of some random doomsday movie when Ella’s phone rang. Sam calling. She hadn’t heard from Sam in days. Bam obviously kept her busy, while he had her there.

‘Hey Sam… How are things across the globe?’ She said, remembering just in time to switch back to her native tongue. She was speaking too much English these days.

‘Good, so good. But _so_ exhausting…’

‘Bam keeping you busy?’ Ella asked.

‘If this guy doesn’t have ADHD, I don’t know anymore. Hold up, here he comes now.’   
  
Ella heard some bickering in the background and lots of general noise, static crackling as the phone was handled and seemingly tossed about, until a rather loud voice greeted her. Definitely not Sam anymore.

‘Hey Ella! You good?’

‘All good. Missing my best friend a bit.’ She answered, wondering what Bam’s intrusion was all about, while making general small-talk. Ville obviously already knew what was up, hearing Ella switch to English, because he rolled his eyes and sat up in anticipation.

‘Yeah… I love having her here though. It’s been awesome. You definitely have to come visit some day too. Hey, are you with Ville by any chance?’

Ella just rolled her eyes and handed her phone over to Ville, who already knew what was coming. Once Ville and Bam started talking about singles and possibly shooting video’s, Ella knew it could take a while. She made herself scarce and moved to the kitchen, making some tea for herself. Ville came to find her, some 15 minutes later, and handed the phone back to her.

‘All yours now.’

Ella was happy to hear Sam again, and was also kind of happy when Ville left the room again and she heard the water running in the bathroom. It would be nice to talk to Sam freely, without someone listening in. Even if _said_ someone barely understood a lick of German. Sometimes she thought he understood more than he let on.

She spoke with Sam about some random stuff for a while, all the adventures she’d been up to in the US.

‘So listen. My flight lands Friday evening. I might be too tired, but wanna hang out on Saturday? Catch up? I have so many pictures to show you.’

‘Yeah Saturday would be good. Ville is leaving for Finland on Friday, actually, so I’m pretty sure I can do with the distraction on Saturday…’

‘Wait, he’s leaving? As in… done-with-the-album-back-to-Finland?’

‘Yeah…’

‘Shit, Ella…’

\------------

It had been good to talk to Sam. In the end, they’d spoken almost an hour, to Ella’s shock. Ella relating much of her worries, now that Ville was due to leave soon. On top of that, he’d been rather irritable all day, short-tempered and annoyed at everything. Obviously super stressed, but she hated that he wasn’t his usual self during this last relaxed day they’d have together. But she didn’t want to bother Sam too much by complaining about that. Sam sounded happy, as if she was really enjoying herself over in in Pennsylvania. Maybe this whole thing between Bam and Sam wasn’t just some whirlwind romance that was bound to end up going to shit in a few weeks time.   
Just musing to herself, Ella realized things could be much different a year from now. What if she was living in Finland by then, and Sam in the US? What a change that would be… Could she really imagine it…? Leaving everyone and everything behind. But then again, could she imagine leaving Ville behind? She just couldn’t imagine life without him anymore. Missing all his little quirks and mannerisms. Speaking of the culprit, he came back into the apartment right as she was thinking about him.

‘Hey love, Linde wants to know if we want to join him for dinner somewhere.’

Ella had seen Ville walk out of the apartment while ago, but had been too caught up in her conversation with Sam to realize he had been in Linde’s rooms all along.

‘Yeah sure, sounds lovely.’   
She’d been just about ready to raid the kitchen, to see if she could make anything for dinner. But somehow she had a feeling Ville hadn’t been too big on doing groceries, since coming back from London. So dinner out sounded lovely, especially with Linde.

\------------

Linde was another person she would definitely miss when they all returned to Finland. She’d miss the words of wisdom he often shared in conversation, and his quiet and calm demeanor. Ella realized that effect wasn’t just limited to her. She watched in wonder as the two men at her table spoke in Finnish for a while, seemingly discussing something. Ville seemed agitated and worked up about something, for the umpteenth time that day, speaking rapidly. Until Linde launched into some sort of monologue, and Ville seemed to instantly change his tone, sounding much more affirmative and accepting. Whatever they’d just discussed, whatever Linde had just said, he’d obviously calmed Ville down.

Ella cocked an eyebrow at the men as soon as they stopped speaking amongst themselves.

‘What was that all about?’

‘Just some boring business stuff about touring.’ Linde said, before Ville elaborated.

‘There’s been some bickering between our US record company and EU record company… The plan was to do a European tour late autumn, followed by a US tour in the winter. But the record company executives are having a pissing contest of some sort... So now the US record company is dead-set on having us tour the US first and wants us to fit a shorter US tour in, right before the European tour.’

‘Lots of consecutive dates crammed into two weeks, all across the US, so constant travelling, constant flights….’ Linde chimed in.

‘Constant stress. And then almost immediately on to Europe. Honestly, we’re too old for that kind of shit.’

Ella smiled at Ville’s choice of words, he loved calling himself an old man, and how miffed he still looked. ‘So now what?’

‘We’ve told them it’s either/or.’ Ville said. ‘Not both tours in such a short timeframe.’

‘Seppo already communicated it to them to fight it out amongst themselves.‘ Linde added with a nod, ‘It’s out of our hands. But Mr. Perfectionist here can’t stop worrying about it.’

Ville just huffed at that, and Ella was glad that their dinner arrived right at that moment, so they could let the conversation go and move on to more lighthearted subjects, like the deliciously smelling Italian food in front of their noses.

\------------

They’d finished dinner and were having another glass of wine, when Ville excused himself to make a call outside. Linde just looked after him with a sigh, and they inevitably came back to their conversation from earlier during the dinner.

‘He just can’t let it go, can he?’ Ella asked.

‘No. Like I said, Mr. Perfectionist.’

‘Yeah, he seems to be pretty perfectionistic in everything he does.’

‘He is. With the album too. Wants to keep an eye on every process that’s happening. All the recording, all the mixing. Everything from promo to artwork to distribution.’

‘He knows what he wants and how he wants it.’

‘I wonder if it’s not too much pressure sometimes.’

‘Well, I have the feeling you’re his voice of reason pretty often.’ Ella said, trying to sound lighthearted, remembering how Linde had calmed his agitated manner a while ago.

‘Hmm… Maybe.’ Linde mused. ‘But so are you, I think.’

‘Hardly. He’s seemed pretty stressed out to me recently too. Tired and stressed. He’s been irritated and agitated all day. Not much I could do to help about that.’

‘More than you think. You’ve been good for him. He’s in a much better place now than he was a while ago.’ Linde said. Ella just muttered her thanks and blushed at the compliment, not really knowing how to react. She couldn’t imagine she had any influence on Ville whatsoever, when it came to whatever plans he had for the band.

‘So… Now we go back to Finland, are you coming with Ville?’ Linde asked. Somehow, Ella had the feeling he’d already spoken with Ville about this, and knew the answer to his own question damn well. She had an inkling that Ville confided a lot in Linde, maybe even more than in Mige, and he probably knew all about it already. They’d all been friends for so long. Both Mige and Linde probably knew more about Ville’s thoughts on this subject than she did. Linde was just doing the decent thing and trying to get her opinion on the matter too.

‘No, not at first. We’ll travel back and forth. See how it goes for a while.’ 

‘So we’ll be welcoming you on your first visit to Helsinki soon?’

‘I hope so…’

‘Good. Let us know when. I’m sure Maija would love to meet up with you again as well while you’re there.’

‘I will then.’ She definitely would. Ella had loved meeting Maija over in London, and it would be nice to know someone already in Helsinki. ‘It would be lovely to see Maija again.’

‘She’s coming over in a few days, actually. Here for the last days and the wrap party.’

‘Wrap party?’ It was the first Ella heard of that. Ville was just coming back to their table now, and she looked at him enquiringly. ‘There’s a wrap party?’

‘Nothing official,’ he answered. ‘Just a few drinks with some people Thursday evening, celebrating that we’re done with recording. Nothing too serious. You were staying over on Thursday as well, right?’

‘Of course.’   
  
Their last night together for a while. She wouldn’t miss it for the world.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	46. I've Seen These Dreams Being Crushed By A Single Thought

  
That evening, they were both in bed by ten. Ville had been yawning during the entire cab ride back to the apartment, leaving the conversation up to herself and Linde, mostly. Once back in the apartment, he seemed positively knackered, sitting zombie-like on the couch, answering emailsb on his laptop. Ella was feeling pretty tired too, and knew she had a busy week up ahead.

‘Come on.’ Ella said, once Ville had closed his laptop and put it on the couch next to him, pulling him along to the bedroom ‘Let’s get you to bed.’

Ville let her, still yawning. ‘Sorry I’m so bloody useless today…’

‘No worries. I can’t imagine how exhausting it’s been, the last couple of weeks.’

They quietly undressed and got ready for bed. Ville was already in by the time Ella was done brushing her teeth and washing her face. She crawled into the bed and immediately Ville moved closer, pulling her to him. She settled against him, agaist the warmth of him, and felt her body relax, totally at ease. It was strange, how quickly they’d gotten so comfortable with eachother.

‘You know what I was thinking Ville?’

A murmured ‘hmmmm?’ was the only answer she got.

‘We’re almost like a married couple. This is so comfortable. And we did boring married couple things today. Have a nice, casual dinner. One drink, go home early, go to bed quietly, go to sleep quietly. You’ve been irritated all day like stereotypical husbands are with their stereotypical wives. No sex.’

The last part caused Ville to laugh, though both of them knew she was only joking, and it wasn’t for lack of interest in eachother.

‘I wasn’t irritated by you. Just… life, you know.’

‘I know.’

‘Besides… Not all married couples are like that.’

‘Says who? Like you’ve ever been married.’

‘No, but I have been engaged, pretty much the same. The only thing missing is the ring.’

‘Wait… Seriously?’ Ella twisted her neck as far as she could, looking back at him in surprise. ‘You’ve been engaged?’

Ville was silent for a while, apparently reluctant to tell her more.   
  
‘Noora.’ He finally said.

‘Oh.’   
  
Somewhere, it grated, that he’d been engaged to this woman. Ella hadn’t heard anything good about her so far. Maybe it was just instant jealousy. And still some lingering insecurity. _She’d_ been engaged to him, Ella would only have to see if she ever got that far.

It surprised her when Ville started explaining more. Apart from that one evening, when he’d been so down about Noora bothering him all the time, he’d never opened up about his ex again.

‘It lasted for a few months, changed nothing between us, and then it all fell apart and went to shit anyway.’ He shrugged and she could feel him sighing behind her.

‘Sorry I brought it up.’

‘It’s fine. It’s all in the past.’ He was silent again for a while, and Ella thought he might have fallen asleep. But he spoke again, his voice soothing and calm in the darkness. Nothing stressed about him now. ‘And we don’t act like a boring, married couple. I don’t think we could ever be boring together, even if we got married.’

‘Why not?’

‘‘Cause we’re us. I don’t think we’ll ever be that way.’

Ella disagreed with him, on some point. ‘But I’m a total homebody, most of the time. I love to make homecooked meals and read a book on the couch. Dare I say that sometimes in the wintertime I even knit…?’

‘Countered by some mild recreational drug use and drunken dancing in the bar, on frequent occasions.’

‘Well… That’s true too.’ They both laughed a bit.

‘I just meant that I don’t think we’ll easily get stuck in a rut.’

‘I agree, actually.’ Ella said, after a moment of silence. ‘Your life is too weird. And we are too weird together for that.’

‘Maybe that’s why it works.’

‘Maybe.’   
  
Behind her, Ville yawned again, and Ella kept silent, knowing he needed to sleep.   
She was nearly asleep herself when he broke the silence again. 

‘Would you, though? Marry me?’

Ella turned around in Ville’s arms and backed off a bit, squinting at him in the semi-darkness. ‘Is that a proposal? Seriously, that’s how you’re gonna ask me?’

Even in the half-twilight, half-dark of the room, Ella could see him squirm under her stare, before he chuckled half-heartedly. ‘Um… No…. I meant, sometime in the future. Because judging by your reaction, it would be a definitive ‘no’, now.’

He was actually right. If _this_ was his proposal, matter-of-factly, casually in between yawns, then no. And aside from that, whatever her feelings, it was much too soon. As much as she loved him, rationally she knew it would be a stupid thing to do.

‘We’ve only been together what… 2 months? A rash decision like that would probably end up in divorce anyway. Ask me again in a year or so.’

‘So I’m guessing now is a bad time to ask you to join me to Finland as well?’

‘Ville… Bloody hell…’ She switched on the light on the bedside table, blinding them both for a moment. Which was just as well, because now she only saw a glimpse of his disappointed face, before he had to start squinting against the light.

‘I don’t know Ville… My whole life is here. My job. My friends and family. I couldn’t possibly leave me family behind, not right now. Not with everything that’s going on with mum.’

She felt so bad for disappointing him, but it was much too soon. Rationally, he knew it as well as she did, she was sure of that. But she was still letting him down. Ville was avoiding her eyes, looking up at the ceiling, so she grabbed his face in between both her hands, getting him to look at her.

‘Don’t get me wrong here. I love you so much it hurts me like hell to know you’ll leave me soon. But right now, my sense of reason is still a little bit stronger than my heart… Maybe I’m too rational for my own good. Just barely, though. God knows how much I’ll fucking miss you.’

Ville just looked back at her for a moment, before his eyes softened and he caressed her cheek with one hand as well.

‘I know. I get it. It’s too soon. You’ve got a lot going on here as well, with your mum and everything. I understand, really.’

‘Sorry.’ Ella said, apologizing, even though there was no need. She lay back on his chest again, not bothering to switch off the light, feeling the soft cotton of his shirt beneath her cheek, and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.

‘It’s ok. It was just a reckless idea anyway. Besides, you’ve still made my day.’

‘Why is that?’ Ella was genuinely confused for a moment, and lifted her head once more, to look at him. Ville still had a smile on his face, despite just being rejected.

‘Because you told me you loved me.’

Shit, she had done that, hadn’t she? In trying to get her meaning across to him she had blurted it out.

‘I… don’t think I’ve ever said that to anyone before...’ She felt her cheeks flush, but realized she might as well take the full plunge now. ‘I meant it though.’

‘Good.’ Ville responded, leaving her hanging for a while after that, teasingly, before he finally continued speaking. ‘Because I love you too.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that the update is a few days later than it usually is. Things were super hectic at work this week and I just fell behind on all else in life... Ugh. Thank God for the weekend though.   
> Thanks for the kudos and comments, I really appreciate it!


	47. When Love Starts To Die It Begins With A Kiss

  
The last time. The last time she drove to this part of town. The last time she let herself inside the studio building. Climbing up the stairs for the last time, to find his door ajar already, waiting for her. Alright, so maybe she was feeling overly dramatic, but Ella definitely felt the loss already. Not so much the loss of Ville or the guys, because she was sure she’d see them all pretty soon again. But the loss of the routine, the habits she and Ville had formed together. The relatively easy, calm life they’d built together inside his small temporary apartment. Things would be changing soon, and the thought of all that might change scared her more than she dared to admit.

Ville hadn’t heard her come in, too focused on rifling through a bunch of papers on the couch, back turned towards her. The apartment was eerily empty of his clutter already, and she saw one packed suitcase already near the bedroom door. Ella looked at Ville’s hunched over form, the little curls crawling out from underneath his black beanie, and felt another wave of melancholia hit her. Tonight and especially tomorrow would be hard…

‘Knock knock.’ She said softly, casually announcing her presence from the doorway. Ville immediately abandoned his papers and made his way over to her, almost in a hurry.

‘Hey love, hadn’t heard you.’ He closed the distance between them and kissed her, breathing in deeply. Maybe she wasn’t the only one feeling the distance already.  
There was a strong sense of déjà vu to only a few days before.

‘Hmmm…’ Ella said, tasting her own lips for a moment when Ville backed away, ‘Whiskey this time?’

‘Spot on.’ Ville’s eyes were on her lips still. ‘Stop licking your lips like that, or I might just have to kiss you again.’

‘Mmm…’ Ella repeated, sucking her bottom lip in, teasing Ville. Ville gave her a second or two, enjoying the sight, before he kept his word, carefully tipping her chin up and kissing her deeply again. Sucking on her bottom lip, mimicking what she had done before, tasting her. The feeling left her craving for more, and soon they were kissing passionately. Still tugging at her bottom lip, Ville’s hands wandered down, cupping her ass and pulling her closer, pushing her against him. Ella let her hands wander too, hugging him against her. Ville finally let go of her lips, ending with a small nibble. Not nearly hard enough to hurt her, but it held a nice edge, the promise of more to come. Though they hadn’t explicitly spoken about anything of the sort, Ella felt that Ville’s last night here had to be something special, memorable. And though she was nervous still about taking things further, last weekend had left her ready to explore more of him. And if not tonight, then when? But it was early in the evening still, and they had some social obligations to attend.

‘Let’s not get carried away.’ Ella murmured against Ville’s lips, still staying close to eachother. ‘I’m guessing we have to leave soon…’

‘In a few minutes, unfortunately.’

‘Later tonight we have all the time in the world.’

‘Yeah? Got something fun planned?’

‘Maybe...’ God forbid, her heart actually fluttered when she told him that. ‘Did you guys celebrate early?’ She asked, when they finally broke away fully from eachother, indicating the taste of whiskey on his lips.

‘Record company came bearing gifts. A 25 year old cherry cask _Chivas Regal_. It was very tasty.’

‘I’m sure about that…’

\---------------

Ville had kept her updated, texting her throughout the day. They’d put the very last finishing touches on the album early in the afternoon, record company people crowding the studio for the last listen through, to hear the final result. Of course, they’d coerced the whole band into a dinner arrangement in some fancy restaurant, to celebrate the album being done. Ville had given her a heads’ up, and she’d stopped by home on her way over from work, to get changed into something less casual than she’d initially planned on. She’d had no idea what to expect, so she’d kept it fairly simple and versatile, wearing a little black dress and donning the dressed-up-yet-casual blazer she’d bought with Maija and Tiina in London, rolling up the sleeves to make the look a little less chic still.  
Ville looked the part too, in dress pants and a black button-down shirt, something she’d only seen him wear once before, when they’d had their dinner date. It looked nice on him though, showing of his lean torso, top few buttons undone so the tattoos on his chest peeked out. Ella fixed his collar for him, making sure to trace a finger over the warm skin of his neck too, while she was at it.

‘There. You look good.’ She said.

‘Not as good as you.’ Ville took another appreciative glance at her, and she turned around once to show off her look.

‘I hope it’s suitable for tonight… I didn’t know what to expect.’

‘Anything would have been fine. It’s all casual celebration tonight. The _real_ wrap party won’t be for another while. This is just dinner and a drink or two.’

‘Good, because after that I want you all to myself…’

\--------------

 _All casual my ass._ Ella thought to herself, hours later, as she looked around at their “small dinner party”. The group of people; just the band, herself and Maija, Seppo, the producer and two record company people had grown substantially, right after dinner, with several more record company yups and hotshots joining them. Dinner had taken a few hours, with 5 courses of culinary art, rather than normal restaurant style food. Everything was utterly delicious though, and Ella had enjoyed herself and the company. They’d ended with another round of drinks, and a toast to the band. And then, before anyone had really realized it, they’d all suddenly been escorted to a popular bar near the restaurant they’d been dining at. It worked out a bit too perfectly to be a spur of the moment kind of ordeal, because obviously a closed off section had been reserved for the band’s party beforehand, the record company taking care of everything. So obviously, whatever Ville said, or thought, this had been planned, record company bozo’s doing their own thing. Several bottles of expensive looking champagne were uncorked and emptied in rapid succession, with even more people joining and the party growing bigger. So far for a few casual drinks amongst friends. Ella gradually lost track of Ville, who was swept up in a group of official looking people, who moved further and further into one corner, leaving the other people behind. It was all eyes on him, it seemed even the rest of the band was almost ignored, and Ella felt pretty detached from the whole scene. She’d tried to join Ville’s little circle of admirers before, but he’d been almost casually dismissive towards her, not introducing her, barely acknowledging her as someone special, continuing speaking to some promotor or whatever, before telling her she’d probably have a more fun evening “over with the others”. So, feeling irritated, not understanding where this strange attitude was coming from suddenly, she’d retreated, had stuck with Gas, Linde and Maija mostly, sitting in one of the booths, just looking at all that was going on around them. 

‘What an ordeal, right?’ Maija said to her, obviously feeling a bit bored too.

‘Yeah... Not my kind of party either.’ Ella sighed once again, before turning to Linde. ‘Is it always like this?’

‘No, thank God. This is the record company’s doing I’m afraid. We’d planned an entirely different kind of evening.’

‘So did I, honestly.’ Ella looked at Ville from afar, who was posing for a picture with some suited honcho, saluting the camera, one of his signature poses. ‘Last night here and all. Would have loved to have had a bit more time to ourselves.’

Maija caught her eye and gave her a meaningful look, obviously thinking back of their conversation in London. Smiling slightly, as if to say she knew exactly what Ella was hinting at. Well, fat chance of that now. Although both she and Ville been pretty eager earlier on in the evening, she also remembered her own words to him last weekend. It would be nice if it happened when they were both not dead-tired, stressed out or half-drunk. She was well on her way to being two of those things, and Ville was opting for the third, obviously, as she saw him laughing heartily, downing his glass of champagne in one big gulp, before accepting yet another.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dum dum dum.... Bit of a shorter chapter, setting up the scene for somewhat of a finale... 
> 
> Also, fun fact. Last wednesday it was actually 13 (!!!!) years since my first HIM gig. Can't believe it's been so long already... Lovely readers, I hope you've all had the pleasure of seeing HIM live, at least once in your life ♥  
> Also x2, sidenote. Record company people actually are the devil incarnate. Stay as far away from them as possible.
> 
> Thanks for reading, once again!


	48. Venus Denies You In Your Dark Waters

  
Ville watched from across the room at where his own inner circle was sitting, a few booths over. His girl, his bandmates, all looking bored as hell. She’d come to him earlier, but he’d gotten her to go back to Maija and the others not much later. Away from the vultures around him. He wasn’t quite ready to share her with this whole scene just yet, and he was pretty sure she wasn’t really ready for this toxic, shallow side of the music business either. It could be a cold, cruel, judgmental environment, and the longer he could keep her away from it, out of sight of it, the better.  
All the while, beside him, some Mr. Schneider from the German branch of Universal chattered away about the way he planned to revolutionize holographic concert experience. Maximum profit. Like he could give a flying fuck. He accepted the glass of champagne Mr. Schneider handed him anyway, listening to his stories a little while longer.  
  
Just a few more hours of this and they’d be done, officially done. All the organizational stuff, all the networking, all the ass-kissing, done for now. This whole… charade tonight, despite their explicit wishes as a band to keep things simple and informal. Apparently, someone higher up at the label had decided otherwise. And somehow, they still got roped into doing this. Or well, _they_. It mostly fell down to him, as it usually did. He didn’t usually mind that much, per se, but it did put a strain on things. He hadn’t been looking forward to this part of the process. Along with the other added stressor of finishing the album in the first place. It had been a difficult birth, this time around, especially at the start. No inspiration, no motivation, no quality. At least not until he left Finland, came here, to the German studio. Found his muse. It had become much easier then, even though it was sometimes hard to work on songs dealing with old sorrow, from before meeting her. _Her._ The other thing, factoring into all the stress of these last couple of weeks. Ella. He absolutely hated the thought of having to miss her. Just when they were finally really getting somewhere, as a couple. It felt like she was slowly letting him tear down all these walls she’d built around herself. Slowly letting go of all that held her back in their relationship. It really felt like this was the one he’d been waiting for. What they had together felt so good, he’d never felt this way before. Not about anyone. Not with anyone. It was intense. He loved her to death, and it was frustrating and hurtful that sometimes things had been troubled between them. Not easy, up until now. But things were changing between them. The walls were coming down. And if their heated few minutes before they left the apartment were anything to go by, Ella definitely had something on her mind tonight. He was so ready for her. Wanted to properly love her. Show her what love could truly be like. It would be the perfect end to the evening, the perfect end to the time here. And then he and Ella could move on to new times, a new phase.  
He emptied his glass again, laughing at some lame joke Schneider made. Though he knew there was a fine line between merely tipsy and drunk, and he was about to cross that line, he still accepted when he was handed yet another glass of champagne by someone semi-important, who would surely feel insulted if he didn’t accept it. Some vaguely associated promotor, in charge of handling the promotion of the album in… wherever, one of the America’s. North or South, he didn’t quite catch that, to be honest, but it didn’t really matter, his mind had drifted back to Ella again. He’d be the charming leading man for a little while longer, and then he was all hers. 

\------------

By the time Ville made his way back to their booth, over an hour later, he was reeling and giddy with alcohol, anticipation and attention. Ella clenched her jaw, more annoyed than she would let on.

‘Lapping it all up, are you?’ Linde joked, nodding towards the group of people Ville had left behind.

‘Well, someone’s gotta be the leading man.’ Ville joked, slurring and laughing, as he slid into the booth with them. The joke mostly fell flat on the rest of them.

‘Bit cocky, Ville.’ Ella quietly scolded him, noticing Linde’s look turn sour too. She knew Linde didn’t necessarily like the attention of the media, per se, but some recognition from th label for the rest of the band would be nice. But Ville ignored the changing atmosphere at the table, only nudging closer to her, nuzzling her ear, so only she would hear.

‘I definitely am cocky.’ He accentuated the last word, obviously going for some double entendre, but missing the mark completely once again. Ella just gave him a look, and continued the conversation she’d been having with Maija. He seemed a bit annoyed by that, but Ville had ignored her during the entire party, so he could wait a little bit longer still.  
Ella noticed how Maija gave Linde’s hand a little squeeze a few minutes later, who instantly finished the last dregs of his beer and started getting up. It was only the four of them left at their booth, Gas having already left a while earlier, and a lot of other people seemed to be leaving too.

‘We’re heading back soon. Are you guys staying? Or getting a cab with us?’

‘I’m about ready to leave too, actually.’ Ella said, happy the party was coming to an end. Ville caught her cue, thankfully, despite looking lost in his thoughts and pretty zonked out on champagne and other booze.

‘Yeah, sure, fine. Let’s get out of here.’

\-------------

Ville was having some trouble getting in and out of the cab without tipping over, obviously more drunk than any one of them had realized. Ella was glad Linde and Maija were still with them as they made their way over to the studio building and to the apartments. She looked on as Ville leaned heavily onto Linde, the two men making their way inside, while she and Maija strolled after them, a few meters behind them.

Ella could hear the two men speaking in Finnish as they all made their way up the two flights of stairs, Linde doing most of the talking. Maija suddenly snorted, and Ella just looked at her questioningly.  
‘Someone’s getting a scolding.’ She said, in sing-song voice. ‘Linde’s pretty pissed with the way Ville’s been behaving tonight.’

‘He’s not the only one.’

‘Rightfully so.’ Maija agreed.  
  
Once inside, Linde guided Ville to the couch, who just dropped down and started kicking off his shoes. With some final words in Finnish, Linde made his way over to Ella and Maija, lingering near the kitchen.

‘Well, he’s completely wasted. Sorry about that Ella. If there’s one drink he can’t handle, it’s champagne.’

‘It’s fine. I know under how much pressure he’s been lately. It must just be the stress coming out. Must be a burden lifted from his shoulders, to have the album fully done. For all of you, actually.’

‘Yeah. But still. Stressed or not, it’s no excuse. I hope this doesn’t completely ruin his last evening here for you…’

‘I’ll live. Thanks for your help getting him upstairs though.’

‘No worries. And you know where to find us if there’s anything else.’

\-------------

Once Linde and Maija had left, Ella took off her shoes as, as well as her blazer, throwing it over the back of the couch. Ville barely reacted, seemingly in a daze. He looked about ready to doze off. She’d rarely seen him this obviously intoxicated, and how he had gotten so drunk that quickly was beyond her. Must have been good champagne. Sighing to herself, she made her way over into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Leaning against the counter, sipping slowly, she tried really hard not to feel too disappointed in the evening. Sure, it was a shame the evening had been a bit of a letdown, and that on their last night together for a while. But there would be other great nights.  
After a few minutes of thinking, Ville came stumbling into the kitchen too, and just as she was about to speak, she felt two hands on her hips, pushing her forwards against the counter as he bent over her and tried kissing her neck. Ella turned her head away, dodging Ville’s lips.

‘Ville, stop it.’

Despite understanding that he had been under a lot of pressure and a lot of stress lately, it still grated that he’d practically ignored her during the label’s party. He couldn’t just decide to kiss it better.

‘I’m not in the mood right now.’

‘You were in the mood before.’

‘Yeah, that was before you ignored me half the evening and…’

He interrupted her. ‘Fine. Sorry. I got swept away in the whole situati…’

‘…AND decided to get drunk off your rocker and behave like an asshole.’

‘I’m not that drunk.’ Ville said, but the way he’d been slurring his words told her otherwise. He pushed against her again, trying to kiss her again. ‘Babe, come on. I know it was supposed to be tonight. Let’s pick up where we left off before.’

Ella moved away from in between him and the counter, getting irritated, taking a step aside, facing him.

‘No. You’re completely wasted.’

Obviously sensing her anger, Ville seemed to get irritated now too, rolling his eyes at her. ‘Oh don’t complain about the drinking. You didn’t ever seem to mind about that before.’

‘But I do now! For fucks sake Ville… I told you I wanted you sober.’

‘Maybe you should have had a few more drinks yourself tonight. Might have helped you to loosen up.’

‘That’s a low blow…’

Pretty much done with the whole situation, Ella got ready to leave the kitchen, but Ville stopped her, taking her by the arm and pulling her back, his voice softening.

‘Don’t walk away.’

Fine then. She stopped and turned back to him, leaning against the counter again and looking at him defensively. Now would be a good time to apologize, but Ville seemed oblivious. Telling her not to walk away was as much apology as she was going to get, apparently. He still seemed pretty much unfazed, going on as he had done before, still thinking he could somehow revert her back to the romantic mood.

‘Ella…’ He tried pulling her closer again, grabbing at her waist and trying to kiss her again.

‘I said NO.’ Ella growled, through gritted teeth.  
  
‘Just give in… Come on. Relax a little.’ His lips found hers, and as much as she normally liked his kisses, it repulsed her now, the sour taste of champagne still lingering. She tried to push him away again, but it didn’t faze him one bit, didn’t even slow him down. Ella squirmed against him, trying to get loose, but Ville had her pushed firmly against the counter, almost bending her over backwards. He even had the nerve to slip one hand up her leg, underneath her dress, working its way up higher. Ella slapped his hand away, pushing against him to get him to back off.

‘Stop. It.’

But he only pushed her back harder, her back hitting the edge of the counter hard. That would be a nice bruise the next day. Behind her, her glass of water tipped over and rolled off the counter, crashing unto the floor.

‘Ow, fuck. Ville, that hurt.’

‘Come on, I don’t want to leave you like this. Don’t do this to me tonight. We had a good start earlier. It’ll be…’

‘I told you to back off!’

Panic starting rising within her when she realized Ville wasn’t snapping out of this, this wasn’t just playing some drunken games anymore. He was deadly serious, holding her arms in a vice-like grip and she wasn’t getting anywhere trying to fight back at him. He was so much stronger than she was, his movements getting more determined by the second, and he obviously wasn’t planning on letting this go. But she wasn’t planning on letting this drag out even longer, wasn’t planning on finding out how far he’d go. She had to stop this, whatever it was that was happening now, before it really got out of hand. Not even thinking rationally, her instinct kicking in, it only told her to do one thing, now he only had her arms pinned and her legs were still free. With one swift move, she kneed him in between his legs.

Ville doubled over instantly, groaning, but finally backed off. There was a nanosecond of worry and guilt about what she’d done, a nanosecond of rational thought that she was hurting him and didn’t want to hurt him, but the anger and rising panic were still stronger. She gave Ville a push to get away from him, not very hard, but with his drunken balance, it was hard enough for him to lose his balance. He keeled over, falling in a tangle of limbs, crashlanding in between the kitchen table and chairs. From the corner of her eye she thought she saw his head hit the table, but she was already on the move. There was sharp pain in her foot as she ran out, but she paid no attention to it. Only thinking one thing, _get the hell out._  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh. I had to get slightly (very) intoxicated on wine myself to finish this chapter and the next one, and I'm still not too sure about it now tbh. Well, lots of drama, at least. Hope it's not too awful.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	49. When Love Is A Gun Separating Me From You

  
A loud banging on the door shook him fully awake again. Next to him, Maija shot up as well, sitting upright straight away. Linde hadn’t really been asleep yet, listening with half an ear to the sounds next door, the muffled voices of an argument, a glass breaking, one of them obviously knocking something over. Last time he’d gone over there, to check with Ella, expecting the worst, he had found them only messing about. But when there was a loud knocking on the door now, he realized there was trouble.   
He got up from the bed as fast as he could, pulling on a shirt and making his way over to the door quickly. There was Ella, all messed up. She limped in, looking bewildered and upset.

‘Uh. Sorry. He… Ville tri… Sorry. He tried to… to.. He fell…’   
  
Nothing that came out of her mouth made much sense to him, with all the ragged breaths in between, but Maija obviously understood. He heard her inhale sharply behind him, and he was immediately pushed aside when she dashed over from the bedroom door to get to Ella. Maija tried to grab hold of Ella, but Ella let out a small shout and pushed her away, without too much force, moving away. She then stood there, looking completely forlorn, sobbing and crying, looking as if she wanted to flee into five directions all at once. Again, Maija pulled her into a hug, and this time Ella let her, grabbing onto her too. Only now did Linde realize her foot was bleeding.

‘ _H_ _än yritti pakottaa häntä!_ (He tried to force her!)’ Maija hissed at him, and it suddenly fully dawned on Linde. All the pieces fell into their places. The things Maija had confided to him weeks ago, about Ella and Ville. Tonight, Ella being upset with Ville because this was supposed to be a special night, ‘time to ourselves’… Ville acting nervous all day, then like a petulant asshole during the evening, drinking way too much… It was a pattern, unfortunately. It wasn’t the first time Ville decided to go for some liquid courage, when life got too demanding.  
He went over to Maija, who was still holding Ella, shushing her softly, and very carefully placed a hand on Ella’s shoulder, trying to get her attention.

‘Ella, where is he?’

Ella seemed to have gotten herself together a bit, and wasn’t gasping as frequently anymore, the panic dying down.

‘In… In the kitchen. Please go check on him. His head. He fell… I pushed him back. He knocked over… I didn’t mean to.’  
  
Linde had been fully ready to go over and kick Ville’s ass a bit more, but realized Ella wasn’t the only one who might be hurt. What a mess this turned out to be.

‘ _Sidota jalka._ (Bandage her foot).’ He told Maija, and made his way outside.

\---------

Once in the hallway, he knocked on Mige’s door first. He opened up a few minutes later, looking groggy and annoyed.

‘ _Meillä on vaikeuksia. Ville on menettänyt paskansa._ (We’ve got trouble. Ville lost his shit).’

Gesturing at Mige to follow him, he made his way over to Ville’s apartment, finding the door still ajar, luckily. Sure enough, his old friend was out cold on the kitchen floor. Knocked out or properly unconscious, Linde was almost too angry to care, but he had to check anyway. Carefully stepping over the glass on the floor, he crouched down next to Ville. Mige also came in to the kitchen, letting out a surprised sound. Linde quickly explained the whole situation to him, shocking Mige even further.

‘ _Ei Saatana…_ ’

Ville groaned at the sound of their voices, and seemed to start waking up. He didn’t look hurt, no blood anywhere, no other obvious sign of injury, and he seemed to be moving his head freely, without pain. That eternal beanie must have protected that thick skull of his from hitting the kitchen table or floor too hard. There seemed to be nothing wrong with him, except for still being wasted. Muttering incoherently, but fine nonetheless. They’d better get the asshole to bed so he could sleep it off and regret his decisions in the morning. Boy, was he going to be in trouble when he woke up…

\-------------

‘Are you sure you’ll be alright? Sure you can drive? With your foot? I don’t like seeing you go home like this…’

Maija looked really worried. As did everyone gathered there. And pretty much everyone was there, the entire band woken up at some point, checking up on her and on a still more or less passed-out Ville in turns. They all knew something had happened. That there’d been some sort of… violent episode. Well, they didn’t know all of it, not the exact details. Only Maija knew about that. Once Ella’d gotten over her initial shock, she’d told Maija everything, knowing it would only get harder if she waited. And she desperately wanted to explain, to be told she responded in the right way. Or maybe that she’d overreacted. Had she been in the wrong? Towards Ville? Had she been too bitchy? It had definitely been wrong to knee him in the balls and push him away. Or was it justified to get away from the situation? Should she be apologizing? In her head, she’d been already making excuses for tonight, knowing it was in part her own fault. Maybe she’d been leading him on. Maybe she’d been an uptight bitch. Ella didn’t know anymore, what was right and wrong, or even what was up and down. Now the adrenaline had died down, she was exhausted and utterly confused. But Maija had completely had her back, telling her that whatever had gone down between her and Ville earlier on in the evening or even before, she’d had every right to change her mind, that what Ville had done had been unacceptable, pushing her way beyond her boundaries. She’d gradually come to accept those words from Maija, but it made the horror of what had happened tonight even bigger. She desperately wanted to just go home. Not see Ville again. Just, leave everything behind. All the sad, pitiful eyes looking at her, asking her if she was alright for the hundredth time. 

‘I’m sure. It’s alright. I’m calm. I just want to go home right now.’

‘It’s _not_ alright. What happened is… You must feel awful. You shouldn’t be driving.’

‘I’m fine. Numb. Fine. Please just let me go home… I really just want to be home.’

‘At least let Mige or one of the others drive you home.’ Maija seemed adamant, and so did Burton, who was sitting on the couch with them, offering to drive her home as well, but so was Ella. They’d all been drinking all evening too, not in a state to drive. Ella had only had two glasses of wine during dinner and one glass of champagne after, she was probably the most sober person in the room.

‘No. I’d have to come back for my car and if Ville… I just don’t want to see him again.’   
  
Maija still protested, but gradually seemed to realize there was no stopping her.

‘Just… My stuff. My bag is still in the apartment. Shoes too.’

‘I’ll get it.’ Burton said, getting up. ‘Mige will know your stuff. He’ll help.’

Linde and Mige had taken turns checking up on Ville, making sure he wasn’t concussed or something after all and choking on his own vomit, and didn’t make his way over here to try and see Ella. Apparently he was semi-awake now, though still drunk, and the guys somehow convinced him to sleep it off before coming to find her. Ella meant what she’d said before. She didn’t want to see Ville. Not tonight. Maybe not ever again. It became more clear to her with every minute that passed. She couldn’t forgive him for disrespecting her like that. Something had changed, changed undeniably and irrevocably. Something in the trust between them fundamentally damaged. All her trust in Ville, what he’d meant to her, seemed so misleading suddenly. She’d thought she’d known him, but the way he’d behaved all evening… She didn’t know that man. She was happy the guys were checking in on him, but other than that she just didn’t have the capacity to care about his well-being. Didn’t care if he was hurt. Didn’t even care anymore if she had done that. She just wanted out. To leave. Leave all this shit behind.   
  
Burton and Mige returned a few minutes later, with her bag and all her stuff inside. She hadn’t really taken out much of her stuff earlier on in the day, so it had mostly just been the shoes, blazer and stuff like her phone. Checking that everything was there, Ella mentally started preparing herself to say goodbye, already tearing up. Her nerves were fraught, and this was just one more upsetting thing.

‘I’m… gonna head off. I just want to go home.’

She hugged the guys one by one, savouring the last contact with each and every one of them.

‘I don’t know if I’ll ever see you guys again,’ she said, choked up, to everyone and no one in particular. ‘But… I’m glad I met you all. Thanks for... everything.’ Her voice drifted on the last words, because she realized her memories of the time she spent with these guys would never be unsullied again. There would always be sourness to it now.   
She hugged Maija last, whispering to her softly so no one else could hear. ‘Thank you, for tonight, for everything.’

Maija had tears in her eyes, holding her close. ‘No problem. Please let me walk you to your car, at least.’

Linde joined too, and once outside, they all stood a bit forlornly.

‘Thanks again guys, for everything. I’ll miss you both.’ Ella couldn’t help but cry again, and now Maija started crying again too, pulling her into another hug. Even Linde had a hard time, and wrapped an arm around the both of them. Maija held her close.

‘I’m sorry this happened. I know you want nothing to do with him. But please, please keep in touch. Let us know you’re alright.’

‘I’ll try.’ Ella responded, truthfully. She realized a clean break might be better, easier, though she didn’t want to hurt Linde and Maija even more by saying that.

Ella got into the car, but rolled down the window for one last thing, having mulled over these final words for an eternity, doubting herself right up to that point.   
‘Please, tell Ville… Tell him sorry. And tell him not to come after me. I don’t to see him again. Ever.’

And she drove off. A clean break.  
  



End file.
